Glee 3.04 – Pot O’ Gold
Chris Colfer, the gauntlet has been thrown in the vocal range arena. We meet the new foreign exchange studet, Rory O’Shaunessey O’Toole O’Gill of the Little People. And the kid has pipes. In his honor, today’s cocktail is the Rory Leprechaun.
Our free space is to drink every time they beat us in the face with the phrase “Pot O’ Gold” and the fact that he’s Oirish – they have a new writer tonight, he gave it the ol’ college try, he did.
Brittany is at her locker when a plucky Oirish Lad comes waltzin’ along the heather, “Ta tay, ta tee, too ra loo ra loo ra!” as the Oirish are want to do, ye ken? He actually says, while wearing a green bowler, “Top o’ the marning ta ya.” [DRINK] She of course thinks he’s magical and wonderful and smokes a wee pipe and lives in small trees [broccoli] and bakes her favorite snack cookies. Too bad she can’t understand a word of what he’s saying.
Rory (fer that is who he is, ye ken?) is already getting bullied, it seems. He’s also totally into the idea of letting her think he’s a magical mythological creature, and will grant her three wishes so he ken take look at her pot o’gold, wink! [DRINK] Let’s all dance a jig and a reel, shall we?
“Your magical race: they make my favorite cereal, Lucky Charms. My first wish: I want a box that’s all marshmallow.” Boom, they sell bags of those in the cereal aisle, this is easy peasy. Oh, right, they won’t do that. She gives him a kiss on the cheek and bounces off as he stares at her with pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers, blue diamonds (and purple harse-shoes!) in his eyes. Oh, he’s got it bad.
Hockey Mullet slams him into his locker, telling him to go back to Mexico. Finn watches and does nothing. (Oh, Finn, where has your character development gone?)
Puck and Quinn find Shelby. They know how hard she works, why not let them come over, spend time with Beth, and give Shelby a much needed break? After a little dithering, Shelby agrees. This won’t be a smart decision.
It’s time for Sue’s corner! She has one thing on her mind: Government Waste. She’s practically lactating with rage about it. And talk about waste, the McKinley High School musical, which happens to be about race wars and gang violence and finger snaps, is going to cost the amount of a math teacher’s annual salary to put on: $2004. The nerve! The gall! The jazz shoes! She demands that anyone that finds this as abhorrent as she does should call in to the high school and complain.
Cut to the phones ringing off the hook at the school the next day. Will is in Figgin’s office, livid. The musical has been cut. But Sue spends almost $3000 a month on leg and bikini waxes! [She insists on Brazilians, those spanx don’t always cover everything.] Figgins won’t do anything about it because he’s terrified of the violence already happening in the school.
Will strokes his butt chin. What if he can raise the money on his own? In your FACE everyone!
Santana is at her locker, with a hand drawing of Lord Tubbington and a speech bubble: “Lord Tubbington thinks you’re purrrrfect, and so do I.” Ahaha. Mercedes shows up and tries to convince her to defect to Shelby’s group because a) they’ll get all the solos and duets, duh, and b) see A. Meanwhile, Finn is lurking in the background, hearing all of this and growing concerned. Santana would quit, if it weren’t for Brittany. “So bring her along.”
Tina sobs in the choir room, because she misses Mercedes. She was one of the original Five Gleeks! Puck is mad, because he’s sure they’re going to lose. The outlook is bad for Mudville, everyone’s bickering with each other. Rachel bee-bops in after putting her campaign posters up, and Kurt gives her the stink eye. I would like to point out Kurt’s amazing mounted hippo pin. [DRINK.]
Finn pops to his feet and tells them to stop all that stinking thinking, “We all need to support each other!”
Blaine hops to his feet and says, “I agree! Speaking from my vast experience as a leader of a group that got along marvelously, I want to say that Dalton did this better. Because…well, we did. We were a giant machine, each of us cogs making the whole thing work.”
Finn butts in, “Can it, Blazer-Boy, I’m running this show, see? I don’t need any tips from the likes of you, see?”
“Hmm, what was that pulling together thing you just mentioned like three seconds ago?” Blaine=1, Finn=0.
Will tells them that the musical isn’t going to be canceled, not if they can sell ad space for the program! Kurt jumps all over this, because it’s an excuse to wear his new Banana Republic Mad Men clothes, and I, too, fully support that plan. Lean trousers and fitted jackets on all the boys, please. Rawr. Sorry, got carried away.
Will tells them as they break off into groups that this is the year of dragons crying gum drop tears and unicorns farting rainbows, they are going to WIN IT ALL! And then he throws a handful of glitter in the air and they all laugh because Glee is aptly named. Finn takes a moment to lay some suspicion on Santana.
Rory, in the astrology room at Hogwarts, wait, what’s the makeout room at McKinley? Right, Astronomy. [They’re kinda the same.] Rory’s in there picking all the marshmallows out of a box to give to Brittany (he’s enterprising, he even has a glue gun!) when Finn comes in. Rory stands slowly, pulling his tweed cap off ‘is head and marvelin’, “Sure an’ if it tisn’t the great Finn Hoodson! Why, me mam and I watch yer video of snogging that lass on the computer telly at least five toimes a day!”
Finn side eyes him, and demands some exposition.
Clearing his throat, Rory begins. “I’m Oirish, as ye may have we’el guessed. I love America, NASCAR, yer half-black President (what, ye never heard of Black Irish?) and most especially Victoria’s Secret, although I don’t know how secret it is when she let’s it all hang out like she does. Oh, and I’m in love with Brittany, who thinks I’m a leprechaun.”
“Yeah, she’s sort of Rainman with boobs.”
Rory continues, “If I grant her three wishes, she’ll let me take a peek at her Pot O’ Gold. [DRINK.] I want to snog her. I’m a virgin. I make out with me fist. I’ve no friends and I’m lonely and doesn’t everyone like to befriend needy strangers with hot glue guns? What do ye say, Finn?”
“Uh, don’t ask dudes to be your friend. Also, let me know if you hear anything about Brittany defecting from New Directions. And they sell bags of just the marshmallows in the store. This is America, dude, we have everything.”
Puck and Quinn head over the Shelby’s. Beth is crying her eyes out, but they insist she go, they can totally handle this. Puck picks the baby up, instantly stopping her cries and setting the stage for the big end moment. See? Beth likes Puck, she cries with Quinn, hmm. Quinn immediately starts planting stuff in the house to get Shelby in trouble. [DRINK] Puck isn’t cool with this, because Shelby’s a good mom. But Quinn has her way when it comes to boys, so Puck will follow the script, thank you.
Kurt comes to his dad’s shop to show him the musical’s program and see if his dad will buy ad space, leading to Burt discovering that the musical’s funding has been canceled. He’s pretty sick of Sue and her bullying, cut to Burt giving Figgins a piece of his mind. He asks Figgins if he likes apples.
“Because these wonks behind me are in the Rotary with me, and have donated all the funds needed for the musical in return for full page ads. So how you like them apples?”
Will thanks them all, chats Burt up until Burt catches sight of Sue. (Can we talk for a minute how wonderful Burt is for just going for things? And I love that we see where Kurt gets it? Love.) Burt rubs in Sue’s face that they got the funding and when the musical’s over, he’s going to get as much money as he can to make sure she doesn’t win the election. Sue threatens him with bodily harm, but Burt, because he’s the Greatest Dad Ever, says:
“Bullies don’t have a good track record of messing with the Hummels.” [DRINK]
She instead insults his lack of hair and storms off, because as of now, she’s got nothing.
Burt smiles, “I just want to see that woman lose.”
Rory talks to his mam on the phone in the hall, lying about how great it is there and how many friends he’s made. Poor l’il leprechaun. Some dudebro knocks his phone to the floor, ending the call. Rory sees Brittany, hands her the box of cereal. She’s super happy about it, hugs him, and says that she knows what her second wish will be for him to get a taste of her Lucky Charms. [DRINK] And in the most forced Brittany joke in show history, she explains how she feeds her cat nougat and sprinkles and rubs his belly with glitter sticks to make the cat poop candy bars.
Nope. Sorry. I love Brittany, and this is just lame.
He asks her to dinner, but she laughs, silly rabbit, dinners are for humans, which clearly you aren’t. So eat some four leaf clovers and I’ll see you later! Man, it’s not easy being green.
SPEAKING OF. Rory bursts into song, that very song of Kermit T. Frog fame, and damn if he doesn’t have a glorious set of pipes on him. His voice is dreamy. There’s a montage of him being bullied and pining over Brittany as his gorgeous voice soars and sings. Really, it’s outstanding, even if the song choice makes me squirm at first.
Brittany and Santana are at Breadstix, and Santana wants to talk about something.
“That Sour Patch Kids are just Gummi bears that turned to drugs?” [DRINK]
No, Santana wants to confirm that it’s a date. “Um, yeah? Wasn’t that bath we took together a date?” [DRINK!] Brittany says they’re single and they’re mingle-ing, so of course! Santana, finding out that Brit thinks Rory is a leprechaun, files that away for future use. She also brings up the idea of them leaving Glee and joining Shelby. Brittany’s no quitter, though. Give her time to think about it, okay?
Okay. And then Santana “wishes” that they could hold hands. And they do. And Santana, smiling at first, looks around and covers their hands with a napkin. Sad faces, girls! Let your love light shine! Also, [DRINK.]
There’s a scene with Puck as a pool boy, but I was so distracted by his topless, cut abs that I didn’t pay too much attention aside from him having steady work, digging Cougars (plot advancement clue #2) and how awesome he thinks Beth is. He even shows a picture to the current Cougar, who blows him off. Eh, he’s not interested, he’s too happy about the direction his life is taking.
Which means it’s time for Quinn to show up and shit all over it. He has a stupid job, he doesn’t make enough, and they’ve got a few weeks until CPS automatically takes Beth away from Shelby, and boy, that is not how it works, folks. But still, Quinn just wants Beth back because that’s the only good and perfect thing she’s ever done: giving her baby up unselfishly to a woman far better equipped to raise it. And Quinn wants to ruin that. Or something. [DRINK]
She actually says with no irony, “I’ll never get the chance again.” Did she lose her uterus? I’m having a hard time with this storyline, y’all. Side note: can we please shave the back of his head, Wardrobe/Hair? Please?
Shelby finds Puck as he leaves Quinn and tells him she found him a potential year-round pool job. He’s obviously touched by that. I SEE WHERE YOU WANT ME TO GO, WRITERS, AND I DON’T LIKE IT.
In Glee, there’s the white board [DRINK] with “The Magic Is Back!” Notice that Brittany and Santana are sitting together, ditto Mike and Tina. Will praises Kurt for his awesome job in getting the funds, and he waves a “you’re welcome” from the back row. Meanwhile, on the front row, Blaine would like to sing about how awesome everything can be. Finn scowls in the background, stop taking my leadership job, bro! Even though you’re a natural, charismatic leader! This is my town, my time!
Too late, Blaine starts singing “Last Friday Night” and almost everyone hops up and dances and sings and bounces along with him having a great time. Kurt stays sitting until Blaine grabs his hand, pulling, and Kurt finally leaps out of his seat, and I laughed so hard at his back bent leg. Ha, I love Kurt Hummel. At one point Blaine dances with Rachel, turns to get a booty slap, and Kurt is dancing on the other side of the room, alone, and Santana notes this. Hmm, all of this Rachel-Blaine time is cutting into my Klaine, people.
Santana makes a point when the song is over that they all know it’s now the Rachel and Blaine show, and she’s getting over it.
Rory is at his locker when he’s stalked by a banshee, Santana Lopez. She orders him to shut it while she lays it out for him. He may be wonderful, she doesn’t care. She knows he likes Brittany, and that person is off limits. She bullies him into granting her a wish. We’ll find out soon enough what it is.
After school, Rory sneaks into Brittany’s bedroom to lay candy bars in the cat litter. Now, I also recap Hoarders, and I just watched the one with all the cats, and I’m sorry. No. We do not put treats in the litter. Unless you’re going to make litter critters. When you hear the scratch, here comes a batch! It’s time for Litter Critters!
Brittany catches him, but he easily distracts her by showing that her wish came true, her cat now craps Mars Bars! Hooray! Now, about that Pot O’ Gold…. [DRINK] She’s too busy pulling the candy bars out of the litter, peeling the wrapper, and eating them. NOOOOOOO!
Rory tells her that other people know about him, now. Santana caught him and got a wish: for her to leave New Directions. Wow, well, gosh, If she wished on a leprechaun, then she has to, huh? (Anyone else finding this weak? Just me?)
Will shows up at Burt’s shop with a long lead in to — hold that thought, Butt Chin, Burt’s way ahead of you. He’s running as a write in. “Your glee club saved my kid’s life. Turns out art can do that, you know?” [DRINK, and wipe a tear.]
Will wants to be his campaign manager, but uh, yeah, chief, Kurt’s already on that. But you can help him lick stamps and carry boxes? Thanks, pal.
Shelby tries to put Beth down that night in her play pen but someone knocks on the door, waking her up. HEY PUT THE BABY IN A CRIB IN A ROOM, MAYBE. Sorry, something caught in my throat. Puck is there, wanting to thank her for the job, but she’s harried and stressed and the baby won’t stop crying. Puck sneaks around to take back all of the “damning evidence” Quinn sprinkled around, then grabs a guitar and sings to the girls, “I’ve Been Waiting For A Girl Like You.”
It’s a little nasal in the beginning, but his voice warms up and it’s nice and he is laying it on thick, Shelby. He’s young, dumb, and full of come ons, and he’s gunning for you hard. She talks about how lonely she’s been. Puck wants to be there for her, to help, to be there in times of trouble, to love… He takes her hand, and she pulls her hand away because he’s a high school student (I know, it’s easy to forget) and she’s a teacher. Soap Opera City, folks.
Rory finds Finn and breathlessly tells him that Santana and Brittany are leaving. Finn finds them and lays into them about how they’re a family, this is their year, what about the dragon gum drops and unicorn glitter farts Mr. Schue promised? Santana insults him, points out how jealous he is of Blaine and his superior everything (minus height) and Brittany explains about how leprechaun wishes work.
Nope, that’s Finn’s last straw, he tells her it’s time to grow up and stop being such an idiot.
“You cannot call your future President an idiot. It’s mean, it’s bullying, and I won’t accept it.” BOOM, bruthah. She and Santana find Mercedes and say they’re in.
Sue, in makeup for Sue’s Corner, except hold the phone, no Sue’s Corner for her because her opponent gets equal time! Cue Burt Hummel.
“I’m awesome. I’m a real guy you can related to. I wear flannel unironically. GO BUCKEYES. I don’t like bee ess. Art is kinda cool, it’s an investment in our future. I love my kid, oh, he’s gay, but who cares, he’s a good person. I’m Burt Hummel, and I want to be your next Congressman.”
Sugar Motta swirls and twirls by herself, until the rest of the Girl Group show up. Sugar tries to assert her dominance, but Miss Santana Lopez is not okay with that. She tells Sugar that it is now her turn to stand in the back and sway. Oh, girls, didn’t you learn? No? Okay, then.
They come up with the awesome name of the Troubletones, and we cut to a fantastic show stopping number with a few random dancers and Sugar in red giving some Tappa Tappa while Brit, ‘Cedes, and Santana give their best sexified Andrew Sisters performance on Candy Man, by Xtina.
Seriously, it’s fun, bouncy and they sound outstanding. [DRINK] for Mercedes’ ‘Whoa’ that goes on for forty hours and nine octaves and [DRINK] for Santana nailing the various verses. Finn and Will sit in the audience with “Oh shit” faces, because yeah. They sound awesome, and I bet that’s better than the Lita Ford number you were thinking, huh, Mr. Schue?
Finn finds the trio in the hallway and tells them how amazing they sounded. He also tells them that he just wants them to be happy, and that he’s really sorry for his behavior and what he said to Brittany. Aww, there’s my Finn! He just wants to stay friends. Brittany hugs him. They walk off and Rory catches up to them.
“Yer thard wish came troo! Now, how about me hands on yer honey pot, er, pot o’gold, lassie?” [DRINK] Brittany doesn’t believe in leprechauns any more, nice try, kid. Well…nuts.
The Hudson-Hummels have dinner at Breadstix to talk about where this could take them if Burt wins. Kurt will be in college by then, and Finn will…be a legal adult. Maybe he could take over the tire shop? If he wanted to, that is. Finn’s all for it, which is cute. Kurt is worried about his dad, though, because he knows Sue and knows what she’s like. Burt isn’t worried in the slightest. He’s faced death, Sue can’t compare.
Enter Sue with a ginormous gut busting burger. “Hey gang, little thing, your speech last night reminded me that I had an amazing character arc last season and the writers remembered my sister Jean. So my new platform is to promote Special Education, because this school doesn’t have a single teacher, and that is actually against Federal Law. Later, boners!”
Finn has been slowly reaching for the burger and missed her speech.
The Hockey Mullets have Rory pinned against the locker, “Say U2s overrated! SAY IT!” Not gonna lie, I laughed, especially at Rory’s pained, “Noooooo!” Finn intervenes, apologizes for not doing so earlier, and says he might have something for him on the wish list, a little something about friends?
They enter the music room, and Finn makes the introductions. I can’t help but notice that Rachel is being a cockblock again, sitting between Blaine and Kurt. Rachel – let them bump knees. Also, you’re sabotaging Kurt, don’t hang on his man, too. Finn asks them if they’d be interested in a new voice? Take it away, new kid!
Rory, who has pretty much had the same expression the whole time, “Holy shit, I won the contest and I’m on Glee!! Also, my name is Damien! I’m not a trained actor!” opens up and sings Teddy Thompson’s “Take Care Of Yourself,” and I’m sorry, but for all the silly excitement and not-outstanding acting, this kid has a gorgeous voice. GORGEOUS. Everyone melts, loving it. Well, Kurt isn’t too interested. Then Rory hits his falsetto, and it’s gorgeous too. And Kurt gives the most deliciously nasty, “WHATEVER” eye roll ever.
While he sings there’s a clip of the original Gleeks connecting in the hallway and being supportive. Rory keeps singing in falsetto, Blaine is enamored, Rachel makes goo goo eyes at Finn then elbows Kurt who gives a “FINE. HE’S GOOD” eye roll. As the song ends, we see a clip of Puck and Shelby getting closer and finally kissing. AHHHH!
Drunken Thoughts: I like Damien’s voice without question. And his baby face does the amazing thing of making Chris Colfer look like a senior. He needs to learn how to move his face, but I’m enjoying it so far.
I am REALLY bothered by the Shelby/Puck thing. Am I alone on this? Ditto on the forced Brittany is stupid stuff? It’s okay, you can tell me, we’re internet BFFs.