The big party with dancing camels and genetically modified fish women and free bags of money for everyone is this episode! And who else noticed that Dana wasn’t invited? Obviously Brandi wouldn’t be, but you know Dana had started dropping hints left and right for the chance. She just wants to go on this journey with them, you guys. Forever. It puts the La Mer on its skin, or else it gets the laser again.
Lisa, in her flawless Bentley, cruises around Beverly Hills calling the girls to make sure they’re coming to the party. But no one in BH answers their phones, please. Except for Kyle, because she’s down to earth like that. Also, her lady sitter Justin is suspiciously absent. (I miss you, Justin, come back to me.) Lisa catches Kyle up on the soaped chicken fun at Adrienne’s house, then rings up Taylor to remind her that no one likes her lame-ass husband and he’s not invited to the party. But Taylor can feel free to bring her lonely ass, if she’d like?
Taylor will come. Damn, that’s some backbone, Taylor. Speaking of, she’s off to meet with Dana to look at cakes for an extravagant party Taylor’s having for her daughter’s 5th birthday. Taylor thanks Dana for coming along, but let’s face it: Dana will show up for a shoe box opening, let alone a party or anything where there are cameras.
The cake lady asks Taylor how many people will be fed. “200.”
“Oh, so only her closest friends?” Ooooh, that was a good one, and you are lucky, cake lady, that these two aren’t sharp enough to catch the dig. Taylor has no idea what children eat (truffled loganberries? Gold dusted fromage?) The cake lady says that kids tend to like strawberries and shortbread and whipped cream. “Can we stick some Tahitian pearls and foie gras in there? No? Okay.”
Dana praises Taylor for her decision. She offers to give her a soul kiss right there and fondle Taylor’s wallet, but she’s good, thanks anyway.
Kyle takes her mother in law Estella to the plastic surgeon for a “mini-facelift.” It’s Paul, Adrienne’s husband! Apparently he really is the best in town. Kyle is worried that Estelle will come out looking like a blowfish or a plastic faced weirdo. They mark her face up, looking like a diagram of the best cuts of beef on a butcher’s chart and dope her up.
In the surgery, Paul is all business telling some yahoo to shut up with the whistling. Then he accidentally squirts fat on someone. Everyone comments on how the anesthesiologist looks like Mark Walhberg, so Paul calls up Markie Mark, because they’re BFF, and says this guy is claiming he’s better looking and can kick Mark Walhberg’s ass.
Markie Mark shows up and pins the anesthesiologist to the floor, punching him in the head, rapping, “Feel the vibration! Come on, come on, feel it, feel it!” The guy throws his hands up and begs off. Markie spits in his face and says, “I created Entourage, bitch!”
Paul asks for a scalpel and continues with the procedure.
Six hours later, Paul tells everyone that she’s great and they can go see her. Kyle has a total freak out and can’t go in there after seeing the bandages. She imagines something horrible happening in the future to her mother in law, and is too upset. Aww. Mauricio hugs her and she starts crying. It’s just a damn face lift, good hell. But it’s sweet that she loves Estella that much.
Taylor has a chef preparing a delicious looking meal, and wants to appear like she knows what she’s doing, so she puts on an apron. She’s having Kyle and Mauricio over for dinner. They get there, Russell comes out and is as squirrelly as ever (omg, that is mean, he is dead. But he was, y’all. He was squirrelly.) and awkwardly kisses and hugs them both and invites them in. Kyle tells the camera that Taylor has told them things about Russell that makes them hate him, then he’s charming when they meet.
They sit at the table, silence at the table making things super fun. Mauricio and Kyle hug and kiss and feed each other, and the editors cut to Taylor and Russell on their side of the table sitting stone-faced. Fun times. Russell cranks the awesome meter up to 11 by mentioning that an article about Taylor separating from him was printed in US Weekly that day. And he doesn’t want to name names or be accusatory, but Lisa is friends with their editor, right?
Mauricio and Kyle are freaked out. “Yes? But why would she do that?” Taylor is angry, too, and siding with Russell, who says he has contacted his litigators who are going to threaten the magazine to reveal their source or face a lawsuit. Yeah, that should work. What a fun dinner party!
At Lisa’s, Pandora and Jason show up to get ready for their engagement party. The women go off to get dressed and they’ll all meet back downstairs for drinks in a half hour. CHAV son Max is a no show. Pandora instructs Rosia the housekeeper to stitch a part of her dress, and CHAV son Max shows up! With sagging pants, because him is well cool wif his Burberry and bling, innit tho?
Lisa gives him grief about his lateness and his potentially not coming. He flashes his Manchester gang sign and asks if his mum is givin’ him lip becos he is black? She thumps him on the head, and reminds him that he looks like the poster child of Ireland.
Kim calls and says she can’t come, which saddens Lisa. Lisa says, “Just come for a drink, then!” and immediately realizes the faux pas. Whoopsie doodles! Nope, she’s not coming, but CHAV son Max has pulled on his monkey suit and is going, whuh-evah.
Lisa gives Pandora a gift she had made from a 10 karat bracelet Ken gave her when she was pregnant with her. It’s a gorgeous heart pendant, dripping in diamonds from the chain to the pendant, costing a cool $68,000. Just a trinket, really. She’s moved by it, especially when she sees the inscription, a little family saying, “Just remember this: Mummy loves you.”
She’s over the moon, and thanks her mother, while Ken blathers, “What about Daddy? I’m paying for the wedding!” But he has a gift for Jason, a Franck Muller watch custom made with diamonds of its own. It had been a gift to Ken years before, and he’s passing it on. (And if you’re asking how much it cost, that means you can’t afford it, as the saying goes.) Jason is very grateful, and they’re just a delightful family with money falling out of their bums.
Speaking of, CHAV son Max, pull your pants up.
They get to the party, and there’s a camel out front and belly dancers holding pythons. As one has for parties. Guests start arriving, including Taylor who is terrified of snakes. She makes them walk away so she can dart in, only to be confronted by the camel, eliciting a scream. Camille comes and tries to commune with the camel, putting their foreheads together, and I am just waiting for that beast to spit on her. That’s what they do, nitwits, you do not kiss a camel!
Everyone else arrives, laden with gifts, hugs and kisses for everyone, Mohammed greets everyone with comments of how beautiful they are, and so on. The champagne starts flowing, and it’s probably filled with crushed diamond powder. Someone notes that this isn’t a typical engagement party for Beverly Hills, this is a Mohammed party. Sign me up, man.
And then it becomes too much. Camille and friend go outside and are confronted with a mermaid. Oh, this desperate Hollywood actress is giving it her all by actually flopping on the pool deck like a fish out of water. And I mean flopping. Belly slapping the ground, I think at one point she’s going to brain herself on the floor, and Camille mutters, “Wow. She’s really flopping around.” Ahaha.
Mohammed gathers everyone to move down to the sex floor, err, the ballroom floor. It’s been transformed into the inside of a maharajah’s tent. This guy has money, have I mentioned? It’s a 3000 square foot ballroom, and it’s packed. There’s a henna tattoo station at the top of the stairs, which I find tacky. Everyone is in evening gowns, come on.
In the ballroom are rugs and draped silks and velvet everywhere and it just oozes opulence. There’s a Moroccan band, the lead sitarist looks like Dave Navarro. Belly dancers have moved down here, and one of them is the Mermaid from before, who is sliding down the bannister with a “who, me?!” shocked face. I want to punch her. Or throw her back in the water. Too much, chick, you’re over-selling it.
Camille and Taylor make asses of themselves playing the bongos off tempo, but they’re having fun!! Girls? Don’t do this. I’ve fallen victim to the lure of the bongo, I get it. But we look stupid because we’re not in the band, and we’re not bongo players. Also, bongos really aren’t cool once you’re sober.
Taylor invites some random woman to her daughter’s party, and the woman states that she doesn’t have babies! Daddy doesn’t like it. ….daddy? That’s what she calls her man, don’t they? The girls all look grossed out and Kyle produces a positively epic eye roll behind her. The woman tries to shame them for not calling their men Daddy, and Daddy this and Daddy that, and show me on the Mermaid where the bad man touched you? Now burn the Mermaid to cleanse yourself and obtain closure.
Camille mutters that Daddy is probably in a wheelchair in a geriatric hospital. Ahaha, Camille! You have a delightfully acerbic tongue.
Kim isn’t there, because she’s off on a date. With a man she’s been seeing FOR A YEAR. Talk about a well-kept secret! Then the camera pans to him, and I gasped. He looks like the unholy love child from Andy Serkis and Gimli, something that emerged from an egg sac in a dank swamp.
They talk about how they wanted this to be private, to just be between the two of them, and also, Kim’s family is a bunch of judgmental shits. But she’s in love, and she doesn’t care who knows it! As long as it isn’t her family. She prepares her man for her family hating them. He seems shocked, and it turns out he’s actually a really nice man. Aw, that’s sweet. Kim is giddy over him, which is all that matters, except I wish she wouldn’t affect a childish affectation when she talks about her joy.
Back at the party, Lisa and Mohammed address the party, telling them thank you for coming, for supporting her daughter, and she offers her sincere thanks to Mohammed for hosting this. It’s nice. Oh, right, and thank you to Mohammed’s girlfriend that is also 23, and she did who knows what.
More champagne flows, the mermaid joins the dancers in white outfits and waves to the camera. You are not going to meet a director or casting agent, cut it out, lady. They do a contortionist routine, which inspires Kyle to join them on the table. And girlfriend plops into the splits, the hard left-right splits! Lisa is not okay with this, it’s her daughter’s engagement party, but things are getting wild and wooly. Taylor realizes no one is paying attention to her, so she pulls her leg up behind her, and some friend thoughtfully slaps her dress over her cootch to keep something private.
Camille joins in the wriggling, and it’s all very weird. But what do you expect with a party like this? Personally, I blame the Mermaid.
Next week: Camille has a séance! Kim tells Kyle her secret! Kyle bemoans all of the months of advice and control she’s missed out on!