X Factor USA 1.11(2) – Top 12 Results

Hottie McHottiepantsEverything’s been a cake walk up to this point, people. It’s time to face the music — or so the freakishly chirpy voice-over tells us. They should have had Denis Leary do it. I’ve never watched X Factor before this season, so I’m not sure what’s going to happen. What crazy rules apply? Even better, what mishaps will occur? I don’t have to wait long to find out.

I was a little worried that X Factor wouldn’t have a cheese-tastic group sing at the start of the show, which I so adore, but I didn’t have to fret. The Top 12 come out, singing “Without You” one line per contestant. I’m instantly impressed, as they sound really good — the polar opposite of American Idol group sings of seasons past. And then it’s Leroy Bell’s turn, but he misses his cue…and his voice starts without him. Ahahaha! I’m much too trusting, because the second I realize they’re lip-synching, it’s so painfully obvious. But Astro is there to save the day, rapping live, doing a great job for entire seconds before he forgets all the words and says “duh buh mumble mumble” instead. Snort! I love the group sings SO MUCH.

After that extravaganza of pain, they show a recap of last night’s performances, where no one missed their cues or forgot their words, more’s the pity. Then they give the contestants a chance to tell us how amazing and extraordinary it would be to star in a Pepsi commercial, because really, isn’t that every kid’s dream? Speaking of Pepsi, the guest act who is going to perform tonight is the person who sings in the latest Pepsi commercial: Britney Spears Mariah Carey Outasight! Yay! I have no idea who that is! He looks like an investment banker with sunglasses, but his song seems okay. I fast forward through the Pepsi commercials, so I can’t compare the live version to the studio version. Fox must hate viewers like me, I know.

Back to the elimination. As it turns out, when it’s time to announce which acts are going to make it through, the mentors come on stage with the competitors in their group, for moral support and/or shared public shaming. Steve Jones announces the top ten acts which are automatically going through to next week, and when that leaves the bottom two vote-getters, then the mentors will vote to see who stays and who goes. If the vote is tied, the act who actually got the lowest number of votes goes home. Got it? Good.

With much ominous music and lengthy dramatic pauses, Steve divulges the Top Ten acts, although he hastens to say they’re in no particular order, so stop bitching that Drew didn’t get enough votes to be chosen first, dude. She might have, but it’s a closely guarded secret.

And the Top Ten are ::spotlights lower cause it’s Serious Business Now::

Marcus Canty – who promptly wiggles like a there’s a ferret loose in his pants. (No, that’s not a euphemism.)
Drew – was there any doubt?
Leroy Brown – who I predicted would go home tonight. Oops!
Astro – yup.
Lakoda Rayne – who I said should go home tonight. This is harder than it looks.
Rachel Crow – my personal favourite this week, so woo hoo!
Chris Rene – which means all three of LA’s Boy Group make it through.
Josh Krajcik – so there is a god, then.
Melanie Amaro – which means all three of Simon’s Girl Group make it through.
Stacy Francis – which means all three of Nicole’s Over 30 Group make it through.

Which leaves two of poor Paula’s Groups Group as the bottom two, InTENsity and well, well, well — Stereo Hogzz. Obviously when Simon said last night that they were the best band in the world (IN. THE. WORLD.), the American voters didn’t agree. And I suppose my love for InTENsity blinded me to the fact that most of them just plain couldn’t sing well no matter how good they sounded during auditions. Sigh.

Now they have to sing for their lives. Stereo Hogzz go first, and the only thing I notice about the entire performance is that the main singer is wearing some kind of culottes that make his calves look like the zombie who hung himself in that tree on The Walking Dead last week, and the other zombies ate all his flesh off from the knees down. Um…what was I talking about again?

InTENsity performs “My Life Would Suck Without You”, and no, they’re not the best, but they’re the most entertaining and they want it so bad. Please don’t go home, InTENsity kids!

It’s time for the judges to decide who they’re sending home. Simon, based on the performances he just saw, chooses Stereo Hogzz. Yipee! Paula, obviously upset and feeling sick about it, picks InTENsity. Nicole also chooses InTENsity, and tries to make them feel better, except Steve yells at her to hurry it up before everyone’s PVRs cut off the last two minutes of the show. It’s all up to LA. If he chooses InTENsity, it’s all over but the copious crying. If he chooses Stereo Hogzz, true democracy will rule and the act with the lowest number of votes will be booted off. And LA picks…InTENsity.

Aw, man. Democracy just got kicked in the jewels. The crushed kids all bawl their eyes out, which is somewhat heart-rending; I wish them nothing but success and future Disney shows. Well, I suppose the Hogzz have already come a long way in the talent department, and might go a long way more. Hopefully LA (and we) won’t regret his decision.

This show is totally going to drive me to drink, I can see it now. Not that I’m complaining ::sips from ever-present flask::. See you next week!