You know how you and your gal pals (or guy pals, let’s not be exclusive) have Wine Wednesday, or Bunco Friday, or Drink Until We’re Numb Sunday? Fun times where you get together, crack open a box of wine, shake the cheese can over some Saltines, and just get loose? The girls of Beverly Hills do, too! Just you know, with caviar and champagne and personal manservants and instead of going to Cheddar’s or Lisa’s double-wide, they have it at a Plastic Surgeon’s office.
It’s Paul’s Night of Beauty! (Translation: lasers and Botox.)
Kyle shows up first at Paul’s office to remind us all that Paul is the best in Beverly Hills, and I guess he might be hurting from business? Or he’s just excited for all the free advertising, I don’t know. He’s going to set up all of his wife’s lady friends with Botox, Juvederm, and love handle blasting. FUN! (Whatever, I’d totally go. I wouldn’t get injections – that stuff freaks me out – but I’d totally do the fat melting lasers.)
Paul explains that the love handle blasters (the laser) melts out the fat from the cell, but doesn’t rid you of the cell. But it’s shrinkage? Oh, and you have t do it three times a week for at least two weeks before you see results. Uh…
Lisa arrives and since she’s flawless, she’s not getting anything done, she’s just there for funsies and to see what the other girls are doing, starting with Taylor. She tells Taylor she doesn’t need fillers in her face beyond a cheeseburger every now and again, aha ha ha, darling. Taylor is over this shit, she’s genetically Skeletor like, okay?
Kim is back at her shack, climbing into her Mercedes to come to the Night O’ Botox. She’s driving erratically, talking on the phone, saying she’s late, rambling about blah blah blah with Paul, who has not Botoxed himself, therefore he’s able to make “Oh my God” faces at her.
He leaves Kim to jam some Botox-esque stuff into Taylor’s face while the girls bemoan Camille not coming. Kelsey is being a dick (again) and trying to gain full custody of the children. This is all through lawyers, and it’s leaving Camille very sad, which, yeah. That would. (Too bad she didn’t think to consult with Alison Dubois on potential lawsuits a few months ago, hmm?)
Lisa, out in the waiting room nibbling on capers and salmon crudites when she gets an email from Russell that reads like a press release. (Because he’s hoping that if she is who is leaking information, it will become a press release.) She reads off her iPad (ensconced in pink leather, naturally) how Taylor and Russell have never been better, blah blah blah, he is definitely not a jerk face, and his business profits have increased by over 900 percent and he is amazing in the sack and not creepy in the slightest.
Lisa has no idea why she was graced with such news, and no one really knows. Well, sure they do, but everyone pretends they don’t know that Russell hates Lisa.
Kim shows up, all squirrelly and flighty. Kyle asks if Kim’s coming to the séance tomorrow, which freaks Kim the hell out. You see, she’s always surrounded by spirits, okay? And what if they do like that old fat guy did to Whoopie in Ghost where he got up inside of her and marveled at his wife’s hair do? She is not equipped to deal with this, because spirits and ghosts are real.
Proving why she’s my favorite, Lisa does an impression of Kim that is spot on. Lisa Vanderfabulous, carry on.
Adrienne shows up, checks in on everyone. She’s not getting anything done, she does that in her in-home plastic surgery room, no doubt. A waiter whisks over to her (this is in the waiting room of a doctor’s office, keep in mind) and makes sure she gets a canape and bubbly.
Taylor, bloated and filled, comes out to say goodbye to everyone when Lisa asks her why Russell is emailing her?
[BUT THEY’RE MADE OF PLATINUM AND CARRY BLACK AMEX CARDS]
“Uh, ask him later? I have to go, bye!”
Kim goes back with Paul, who asks her some routine medical questions, like what meds are you on?
“Topimax, Trazodone, and Lexipro.”
Paul stares at her for a second. “Do you realize that those medications combined are making you appear intoxicated all the damn time? Do you realize that right now you look blitzed? I am a medical professional and I’m telling you to go get a re-evaluation of your meds, because this is bad, Kim. THIS IS BAD.”
Kim just insists she’s not drinking any more, she’s sober, because she likes herself sober. (Sobriety is more than laying off the booze, sister.)
Outside, everyone is talking about the email from Russell, Taylor’s inability to speak directly to Lisa, and Kyle just wants nothing to do with all of this. She wants to eat goat cheese and not realize that she’s eating something fatty after just lasering her fat cells. (I see how it is, Paul is keeping himself in business!)
Kim gets some Juvederm into her 11s (the lines perpendicular to your mouth, how dare you look like you’ve been alive more than 16 years, ladies!) and snaps at Kyle, who decides to just leave. If Kim doesn’t want to hear all of Kyle’s opinions, then fine. Kim gets lip injections, making her look like Donald Duck, and bemoans karma* being a bitch.
[*Kim sassed at Taylor last year, telling her to “go blow up your lips some more.”]
Let me be upfront: I think this shit is hogwash. Sorry. If you watch objectively, you’ll see that it’s true, but whatever. They have money to give this lady, and it turns out the uber-rich really ARE the job creators.
Kyle calls Brandi, making sure she knows she’s invited. Oh, that’s nice, Kyle, you’ve learned. While she’s getting ready, Taylor stops by to cry about Lisa being intimidating and direct, and Taylor hates that and Lisa is telling everyone in school that she got her period all over her pants in Science class and she doesn’t have any friends, and her dad is a junkman and no one invite her to the slumber party, omg.
So damn childish. But then, the whole night is basically a grown up version of “Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board.” Kyle tells her to buck up, little camper, and stand up for herself. Also, she has an entire night to prepare for, so…. Bye!
Taylor tells the camera that she’s worried about tonight, because they might make the ghosts mad. I JUST DON’T EVEN KNOW, YOU GUYS.
Chef Bernie is there, waiting for his chance to poison Miss Vanderpump once and for all. The clairvoyant arrives with her Geiger Counter (officially called a Spook-o-Tron 4000, I believe) and explains to Mauricio that she’s reading magnetic energy. Because ghosts are magnetic, not electrical. That’s why you hear them on VHS and not on HD cameras, or something.
She is completely serious. (About earning some coin, am I right? HEY-O!)
Lisa arrives (Bernie spits on the floor) and while she doesn’t necessarily believe in all of this, she’s there for the fun. The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick is also in attendance, as well as Taylor, Brandi – still on crutches – Adrienne, who tells us that she’s not sure about all of this, but is open to the experience, Camille, sans friend-for-hire D.D. Camille has brought Elizabeth, and I’m sad they showed her face, because you know D.D. Is back at her house making a cairn to burn a voodoo doll of Liz’s likeness to earn her spot back.
Circling each other cautiously are Camille and Faye, who did not get along, hence the whole “Morally Corrupt” title, at the last one of these things with the amazingly dickish Alison Dubois and her electronic cigarette. Spoiler alert: tonight isn’t as outlandishly horrible as the Alison “KNOW THIS” episode. Seriously, producers: bring her back.
They move to a round table with candles and water glasses (because the spirits are super thirsty also they love purple and crystals and all spirits become RenFaire aficionados, it seems.) and the clairvoyant goes around with some leading commentary, waiting for the first fish to bite. And of course she didn’t do any research on anyone, that wouldn’t be fair. Eye roll.
First to bite is Adrienne who tells her how she loved her father, which is AMAZING because he’s there! And he loved her, too! And he is proud of Adrienne for leading? Guiding? Doing something for people? Yes! You have businesses, and your father is totally proud of you. She gets choked up.
Next up is Brandi, who has four angels watching over her. She has good karma coming at her all the time because of past lives or some shit, and Brandi laughs because hello, broken leg, constant cat fights, her husband’s a douche bag. Hmm, maybe it’s that Brandi is going to finally have a baby!
“I have two boys already.”
“Oh, then it’s going to be a girl!”
Brandi isn’t having more kids, so she’s amused, as am I. Brandi? I like you.
We cut to commercial and have one of those mini-scenes where Kim forces her housekeeper Elizabeth to scrub out each drawer. She shows her how it’s done, then shows the dirty paper towel. “My bathing suits and underwear where in those!” In liners, that you lifted out and cleaned under! It’s just dust and dead skin cells and old hair and dog dander and construction dust and mites, what’s the big deal? Such a baby. Elizabeth laughs uncomfortably, thinking of the industrial waste next to her house in East LA.
“Yes, Mees Keem, this is no good.”
Back to seeing dead people! The clairvoyant sees Lisa’s Grandmother, and we flash back to her asking Alison Dubois if her grandmother was there, trying to see if Alison was legitimate.
“I got your legitimacy RIGHT HERE, VanderCHUMP.
KNOW THIS: Giggy isn’t as cute as you think. Also, he smells of pee.
“Oh, yes, I’m getting Alice? Alison? Does this mean anything?” Come on. COME ON!! The clairvoyant basically gets Lisa to tell her what she wanted to know from her grandmother, and the woman says it to Lisa, so Lisa believes and gets emotional. How am I the only one seeing this??
Then it’s Taylor’s turn, and she’s been to this “psychic” before, and the psychic tells her all sorts of shit about Taylor, but never says “the ghost of your fifth grade teacher is here whispering to me saying to hold on to your dreams!” She basically breaks it down like this: “Your husband is a dick, he ‘walks in the light and the dark,’ maybe the mob. Err, in another life. And you need to find a comfortable space where money and life are balanced out, because your husband is a jerk, also, he’s terrible with money and if I actually knew things I could warn you that he’s going to kill himself shortly.”
I CAN’T BE THE ONLY ONE THINKING THAT. Taylor gives her the “move along, sister” face, so now it’s time for Big Kathy to come out. That’s Kyle’s mom. And since Kyle sees this lady every week, she knows everything about her and just rambles off some shit about backing off of Kim and how in a past life she was Kim’s mom and I just hate all of this stuff.
Last is Camille, who’s grandparents are there (after fishing to see if her mom was still alive. “Yes.” “Ah, yes, I’m getting that she’s alive, these are…” ? actual quote, you guys. Actual quote.) Dead Pepaw and Memaw are so happy about her divorce and want her to celebrate! This is said a good eight times. It’s Kool and the Gang up in heaven, y’all.
Oh, and she’s got a guy that “swings the right way” coming. So haha, Kelsey is a cross dressing gay man, it’s awesome outing people! Or shaming them. Let’s just stick to him being a cheating dick that uses his kids as pawns, okay?
The next day, Kyle (wearing a fabulous pair of tuxedo pants) visits Kim at her shit hole in Escondido, or where ever. It’s not 90210, that’s what matters. Kim is weird and evasive, and Kyle makes her cut to brass tacks.
“I’ve been seeing someone. For a year.”
“Is it that dude that looks like Gollum and a Dick Tracy character mated?”
“Dear sweet Jesus. I’m going to have to look at Mauricio EXTRA HARD tonight to get that image out of my head.”
“Oh, Kyle, we’re moving in together, I’m happy, be happy for me, and I’m doing this for me. Novel concept!”
Kyle cries, is upset, and finally agrees to go inside the house. And the show ends on a cliffhanger because GOLLUM-PRUNEFACE is THERE. Bum bum buuuuum!
Next week! Holy crap, the drama is going to come whip-speed. Kim’s man is wearing a wedding band! Taylor yells at Lisa! Camille calls Taylor to the carpet about Russell hitting her, and them all lying about it! Holy shit, tune in, you guys.