Glee 3.05 – The First Time

I'm sorry, can't speak. Heart exploded from perfect Klaine moment.

Have we all stopped sobbing?  EH MEH GHED, THEY ARE THE SWEETEST.  Okay, just be warned, I’m going to be squealing in dolphin noises, so.  I mean, the MUSIC.  They busted out the Roxy Music.  Cannot. Deal. With all the emotions!!  But let’s get our drink out, because I need one to calm my nerves.  (And HA, world, I stayed unspoiled!)  Tonight’s drink is in honor of…well, a certain special thing. Pink Pucker.  (I can’t help who I am, okay?)

Today’s FREE SPACE is to take a drink every time Artie is woefully inappropriate.


Artie, rolling like  baller through the halls, tells us in a voice over that he’s found his calling.  Bossing people around. (A.k.a. being a director.)  Artie is the physical embodiment of enlightened man, y’all.

Funny moment:  Artie and Rachel going through  Bea Arthur’s “Maude” wardrobe, apparently.  Speaking of, Rachel and Blaine rehearse “Tonight” as West Side Story is gearing  up to open in a few days.  But something’s off.

[Side note, each and every song does a wonderful job of furthering the plot, not to mention underscoring the character’s emotional state, well done, Glee.]

Artie knows just what it is.  They need to tap into their first times of doing it, they need passion, what with this while play being about horny kids and race wars.  They…have had sex, right?

Cue: Bieste and Emma bailing.  Also, [DRINK.] Rachel stammers while Blaine admits to waiting for the right time.  Artie is all, “Yo, I don’t have working legs and I hit that all the time. Get busy, fools.”  He rolls off singing, “Let’s Get It On.”

Finn helps hang some of Rachel’s posters. “Put A Berry On Top.”  [Sexual innuendo: DRINK.]  Rachel asks him who he’s voting for.  But Kurt’s his brother!  “You can’t do this with your brother,” she says, kissing him.  UM, YES HE CAN.  Also,  two years ago, that was exactly what his brother wanted.  Ahem.

Exposition: Rachel has tied for first place in polls (with who?  Kurt? Brit?) the show will be a success, and she has the hottest BF evah.  Finn has a Buckeyes recruiter showing up, Burt and Carole are super busy lately, hint, life is a bowl of cherries, let’s pop some! Um.  No worries, Finn, she’s down.

CUE THE ROXY MUSIC.  And then Blaine is dancing in his room for Kurt while saying how much he loves Brian Ferry while there is a framed presidential campain poster of Kurt on his wall, and I’m supposed to be coherent?  Right. Sorry.  Kurt, mixing Cheetah print with leopard print [DRINK], is as hot and bothered as I am.  He also wants to know if Blaine thinks he’s boring.

Blaine: No! You’re the single most interesting kid in all of Ohio.

Kurt: Then why are we not granting our hands visas to travel south of the equator?  Do you not have any urges?

Blaine: Every minute of every day, why do you think I jump on all the things? Also, masturbation: learn it, live it, love it.

Kurt: My god, it’s hot in here.

Blaine: Hey, you need to be comfortable, so I’ll be comfortable and then we’ll be comfortable together.  Watch me shake my butt, Kurt, watch me.

Kurt: Um, can’t you rip off my layers?  Oh, right, I have too many. DAMN THESE LAYERS.

They kiss chastely, I die, next scene.  Oh, and [DRINK for the Klaine-ness.]

Bieste is welding sets when Artie decides that he needs to help her pop her cherry, too.  [DRINK] Also, LA LA LA LA I AM NOT LISTENING.  Oh, Bieste has the hots for a dude named Cooter, but he’s not interested in her, woe.  Artie strokes his invisible beard and machinates.

Cut to: DALTON! This time it’s Blaine on the staircase, when soft, what sound through yonder Common Room breaks?  It is the Warblers, and they’re rocking it, son.  “Uptown Girl,” and there’s a new guy! And he’s totally eye-fucking Blaine, good lord, take it down a notch.  Also desperate for a little Blaine-stank? Chubby Warbler!  Damn, brother, didn’t you get the hint when Blaine left?

Note: in the beginning when Blaine is in the doorway, Sebastian (the new guy) creeps up on him and pulls him into the mix.  So he’s a little shy.

A random hot French Teacher side steps with the Warblers so it’s not a total sausagefest. Also note: Sebastian isn’t a good singer.  At all.  The song ends, they’re all hugs, Chubby Warbler begs Blaine to come back, just come back to him and give his life meaning! But Blaine’s only there to give them tickets to the high school musical.

Sebastian: Hey, once a Warbler, always a have sex with me.

Blaine: I…are you a freshman?

Sebastian: [grabs junk] Does this look like it’s a freshman?

Blaine: Gulp!

Sebastian: Say, I hear from everyone [Chubby Warbler] that you’re sex on a stick.  Wanna get poked? Or poke?  I switch hit, baby.  Also, why did you leave? Break all the hearts here? [I KNEW it was Gay Hogwarts!] Am I coming on too fast?  I can come a lot slower. HEY-O.  I’m into you, are you…are you getting that?

Blaine: Uh… McKinley is where my heart is?

There’s a montage of Rachel and Santana as Rachel sings, “A Boy Like That,” which serves a both a warning about Sebastian and a red herring that maybe Blaine is interested!

Sebastian has to head out to Lacrosse (of course he does) but he wants to see Blaine again.  You know, to talk pitch.  Blaine gulps again.  Okay?

[Blaine is totally Ron Weasley with a fanboy wave to Viktor Krum as Sebastian leaves.  It makes me laugh. Because Weasley is my King.]

Back at McKinley, Finn asks Puck for condom recommendations.  No, he’s not cheating on Rachel, he’s finally going to go all the way, bro.  Puck, sure it would have been him there first, is happy for Finn.  But he doesn’t wear condoms, come on. [Gross. Protection – it’s awesome! STDs? Not so much.]

Blaine at his locker is interupted from his reverie by Kurt, who wants help destroying Rachel’s posters.  Blaine wants to know if they’re just sheltered as artists, because they really should be adventurous, living life and tasting all of it’s man fruits, er, fruits!

Kurt wants that, too, he even has a bucket list, including “having relations” with Taylor Lautner in a lilac meadow before he realizes how disgusting that guy’s nose is. Blaine thinks that’s hot.  Kurt is…a little nervous about where this is headed.  Blaine tells him they’re young, dumb, and full of…oh, come on, Kurt, read between the lines.

We see Kurt watching him leave as he strokes his own hand, and good lord, Chris Colfer, you’re gay, I can’t have you, cut that out.

Artie finds this “Cooter” chap and tells him he needs to hook up with Bieste. Because that’s appropriate. [DRINK]

AND WHAT ON EARTH, BLAINE IS AT THE LIMA BEAN WITH SEBASTIAN.  Young man, that is KURT’S special place, how dare you!? And Sebastian is just the biggest douche that ever douched as he ordered his coffee with a shot of courvosier and tells Blaine how when he lived in an artists’ commune in Paris, drinking wine out of the navels of beautiful Castro boys, he thought about how he wanted to bone Blaine.

Uh, Blaine has a boyfriend. Sebastian doesn’t care, just don’t tell him.  Or do.  Or invite him.  Just get up on all of this, Blaine.  But…Blaine loves his boyfriend!

“Who?”  Saved by the Kurt!  Blaine stammers and over corrects and Kurt eyes this new boy; he’s got Sebastian’s number.  Sebastian wants them both to come out with him this weekend and hit a gay club, what do they say?  Well,  that’s the night they do pumpkin enzyme masks.  Blaine says, “We don’t do fun things.”

Kurt glares at Sebastian, hate-smiling, “SOUNDS GREAT, ASSHOLE, WE’RE THERE.”

Rachel and Finn are at his place and oh my god, I laughed so hard when Rachel complemented his “meat substitute that tasted just like real meat.” Because Finn totally forgot she was a vegan.  They’re sweet and cute and awkward, but Rachel drives that train right to the blanket in front of the fire (classy) and pushes Finn, who really just wants it to be good for her because he’s a gentleman like that, he’s been saving up for a Marriott! But she has opening night soon, so let’s get this done.

Ooooooh.  What?  Young lady, you just hurt Finn’s feelings, and he was trying to make it special!  (Ouch.)

Mr Chang shows up at the school and hisses at Mike for being a lying dancer who lies.  And he made his mother lie, so that’s a triple liar, and he needs to quit this whole “I have a dream” crap and get on with being an adult.  Mike yells at him, “No! I’m a dancer!  I bleed Capezios!”  Then it looks like Mr. Chang doesn’t want you as his son.  Fine, because then, mathematically, that means Mike doesn’t want to have him as a father!  (Ooooouch.  Poor Mike.)

Bieste rocks the bench press when Cooter sidles up to her with some flowers and some sweet come ons.  “I can bench press, too.  A lot.  Like, the amount of a lady football coach.”  She’s not picking up what he’s putting down.  He lays it out plain: I like you.  Let’s go out and eat food and see what happens.  She automatically assumes he’s been forced to do this, because she’s not a pretty girl.

One of the best lines of the night: “Good.  ‘Cause I don’t date girls.  Just women.”

Rachel calls a girls meeting to find out what to do about this Finn situation.

Quinn: Sex is awful, it ruins everything. Including your character, ahem.

Santana: Sex with Finn is awful, it’s like a sweaty, out of breath sack of potatoes soaked in body spray.

Brittany: I lost my virginity at cheer camp. He just came into my tent, boom.  Alien invasion. [DRINK]

Tina: Hey, how about a healthy story?  Because Mike and I waited until it felt right. Because we love each other. [Montage of Rachel singing “I have a love”] He’s my first love.  And I’ll always look back on that as absolutely perfect.

No regrets, just love. [heart emoticons]  Nice work, Miss Cohen-Chang. Also, Miss Lea Michele, sing all the songs ever, please.

Time for the Gay Bar!  Kurt and Blaine pile out of Kurt’s Navigator, looking at their fake IDs as if they won’t get in.  [That’s what’s so great about gay bars, folks, they’re lax with carding.  Well, that’s my experience, at least.  Thank you, “Sue Ellen’s” for all of my underage gay club fun back in the day!]

And they are playing ABC’s “Shoot That Poison Arrow” and I want to soul kiss whoever is picking the music. It’s drag queen Wednesday, and… it’s a little drab, a little sad at Scandals, gang.  Oh, but Sebastian is there in a rugby polo and popped collar, looking like a gay prep boy’s wet dream, but he’s such a dick. He gets a beer for Blaine and a Shirley Temple, extra cherries for your viriginity, Kurt?

Meow, bro. Then he digs it in deeper, “I hear you’re designated driver.  Like, all the time.”  (I worried they were going to make Kurt feel pressured by all of this. I love you Glee for keeping Kurt Kurt.)

Kurt sits at the bar while Blaine is on the dance floor with Sebastian (what?! Too many dicks on the dance floor!) when DAVID KAROFSKY comes in and sits by him. Because he comes here all the time.  He’s at a new school, they don’t know about him, and he just wants to live in peace.  He and Kurt have a wonderful moment where they come around to being friendly with each other, now that Dave isn’t beating people up anymore.  Also, he mentions he’s a bear cub, like this is a PSA for baby gays. Kurt tells him to let his freak flag fly, then jumps onto the dance floor with Blaine.

And constantly blocks Sebastian with every twirl and shimmy, and I love you, Kurt Hummel. [DRINK]

They’re leaving, and Blaine’s drunk. Not ‘make out with Rachel’ drunk, but make out with Kurt drunk.  But Kurt’s not interested in drunken make outs.  Blaine gets really handsy and pulls Kurt into the back seat with him, trying to be exciting like Kurt said he wanted in the beginning, wanting to just go ahead and do it. (Tchuh, in a gay bar’s parking lot?  Not very original, Blaine.)

Kurt pushes him off and gets mad at him.  He doesn’t want to do that because A, Blaine’s drunk and won’t remember and that’s hurtful and B, he spent most of the night dancing with another guy.  So no, he’s not feeling it.  At all. (I am proud of you, Kurt.)

Blaine, upset, says that he was just trying to be spontaneous, and that he’ll walk home.  Kurt shouts after him, and did anyone else notice how deep his voice got? Or my heart breaking? [cry]

It’s finally opening night, and Rachel and Blaine are worried about still being virgins and their performances ringing false.  Ha. Artie also freaks out, thinks it will be a disaster and has his own performance anxiety. Ahem.  The cast has several dozen roses for him, telling him how great he is.  And then Kevin McHale knocked it out of the park with Artie’s speech about how hard it is to be in a chair, because you never feel like a real grown up, as people are always doing things for you.

But this experience?  Finally made him feel like a grown man. Hang on…I have something in my eye.

Cut to Finn in the shower, devastated and pounding his fist, leading into Puck pounding his fist in the lead up to “America.”  Seriously, awesome camera work and editing, really.  There is so much happening in this episode, but it doesn’t feel crowded.  Funny moment: Rory Leprechaun trying to affect a Puerto Rican accent.  The way they staged the number was awesome, as well.

And come on, [DRINK] for my girl Santana, who killed her number.  Mike looks in the audience for his dad, who isn’t there.  But his mother is, and she is shining with love for him. (The Changs!  I love Mike and Mama Chang.)  Kurt looks out and sees the Warblers.  One in particular seems very lit up.  Sebastian is, too.  But Chubby Warbler is the real unrequited lover here, folks, never forget Chubby “Smooth Dancer” Warbler.  [lights lighter for him]

Blaine and Rachel in the wings wonder how on earth they can go out there, all stupid virgins and stuff.  Hey, enough of that, they’re both with their soul mates, and they’ll draw on those feelings and it’ll be great.  Cut to black as they walk on stage.

Back to Blaine, in workout sweats, trying a dance step he missed in the night’s performance. Trying to do it right, over and over.  [Hearts.  I see what you did there.]  Kurt comes out in some awesome jeans [The guy is gorgeous, I can’t help it. Also, DRINK.] and tries to talk with Blaine, who just looks miserable.  Kurt mentions that he should be happy because his friends were all there.  And Sebastian.  Ahem.

Blaine says, “Come here.”  He takes his hand and puts it on Kurt’s heart, just like in the play.  His voice filled with emotion, he tells Kurt that Sebastian doesn’t mean anything to him.  “And you were right.  Our first time shouldn’t be like that.  I was drunk, and I’m sorry.” He’s all choked up, and oh my heart, boys.

Kurt apologizes for not being his ‘gay bar superstar,’ but he’s just a silly romantic, he guesses. “It’s not silly,” Blaine whispers as he kisses him. [DRINK!] (I can’t help it, but they didn’t kiss on the lips.  Wah.  It’s the old side face fake out.)  Kurt tells Blaine how proud he is to be with him.  “I hope so.  I want you to be.”

Blaine mentions the after party, but Kurt’s not interested.  He wants to go to Blaine’s house. [insert dolphin noises.]

Rachel, dressed as Little Pink Riding Hood, comes to the new Hummel-Hudson house (they’ve moved up to the east side, it seems!) Finn is downcast and sad.  Kurt’s with Blaine, his folks are in Toledo for the night, and he’s all by himself.  The recruiter didn’t like him.  And let’s give Cory Monteith some props, here, because his moment where he’s telling her how he’s not a good enough quarterback for a scholarship and not a good enough singer for NYADA was pretty raw.  His voice cracks when he tells her how the recruiter said his career is over after high school, basically.  That’s hard.

He’s stuck.  He’s never getting out.  He’s out of dreams.  Rachel tries to tell him that he can get new ones, he’s just outgrown the others, that’s all.  And…this didn’t work for me, and believe me, I would not mind seeing Finn get some happy time.  But Rachel says she knows he’s special, and why?  Because she’s going to give him something special.  You know, her lady flower.  Whaaat?  I want them together, but that was weak writing.  But enough of that.

Finn tells her she doesn’t have to do this, but she wants to.  She’s just a girl in love with a boy, and wants to remember this night forever.  Aww. [Well, minus that recruiter dashing your dreams stuff.]

And we have a BEAUTIFUL MONTAGE of FIRST TIMES.  Really.  It’s sweet, it’s not gratuitous, and it stresses the importance of loving someone because YOU MATTER.  Don’t throw yourself around like you don’t. [I love you Burt Hummel, celebratory DRINK for a job well done with your son.]

The couples are inter-cut with Rachel and Blaine singing “One Hand, One Heart,” on stage the next night, and you can tell that there’s all sorts of new emotions added to their performance.  Nicely done.

Finn and Rachel, in their underclothes, touch each other’s faces lovingly in Finn’s room.  Kurt and Blaine [DRINK] are curled up in their undershirts, foreheads touching, holding hands.  There’s a close up of them entwining their fingers together [“That’s why I love Broadway, the touch of a hand is as romantic as it gets.”]

The song’s lyrics, “Even death won’t part….” Blaine is emotional as he sings, Kurt watching in the wings, smiling from ear to ear with love.  Finn is in the audience amazed all over at how wonderful he thinks Rachel is, and Coach Bieste and her man are holding hands, as well. The night before seems to have been a success for all couples, hmm?

A final flash to Kurt and Blaine smiling at each other, and Finn and Rachel holding one another.  Is it post?  Pre?  It’s not the point. They love each other, and that is what made the difference.

GUYS I JUST CAN’T.  It’s so sweet and respectful of the characters, and I just love them to bits. [Edited to add: THIS IS THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY OF KURT MEETING BLAINE ON DALTON’S STAIRCASE. How I failed to mention that before, it has to be because it was midnight and I was choking on ALL THE FEELINGS.]

And go to our store, buy the Klaine merchandise, and wear your shirt proudly to support the sweetest, cutest teen couple on television.  Because guess what I’m wearing?

All of the hearts. Klaine is endgame, folks.  No regrets, just love.