Glee 3.06 – Mash-Off

Chris Colfer described his outfit as Princess Leia, early Ewok.

He's not wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oooh, this episode went dark.  Which I love.  But there is going to be backlash, I can just feel it.  Because Finn angered our resident Latina de Lima Heights, today’s drink is Un Alcahuete. (If you speak Mexican slang, este es muy comico.)

 

Catch your Bingo Card here, and get ready for dranks.

 

Puck forces a Lion King reference in an inner monologue catching us all up on how he’s hot for Shelby. He’s 18, so it’s totally legal, or something, and he really likes her. A lot. He wants to actually put some effort into this one, as she makes him feel like a natural whoa-man. This leads into a fantasy where he sings “Hot 4 Teacher” by Van Halen in class with Finn, Mike, and Blaine backing him up as Shelby does the whole “Slo-Mo” quasi-strip tease in the classroom.

Let’s all just admire the beauty that is Idina Menzel. Okay, back to the fantasy where they’re all in 80s gear, the tiger print skinny ties and Don Johnson/Miami Vice look. This morphs into the Glee Club watching these guys actually putting on a performance, with super suggestive dance moves, Will Schuester happy to be reliving his junior high years and clapping, and Rachel and Kurt staring at their respective boyfriends with dreamy expressions.

I have to say I didn’t love it. Mostly because Puck is no David Lee Roth. And Finn was so totally not playing the drums to this, I had to laugh. (Sorry, married a drummer. He points this stuff out to me all the time. I still think Cory Monteith is adorable and would climb him like a tree.) BUT WHATEVER, it’s not about me, I get it.

Rachel, who found Finn’s drumming superior, does question the appropriateness of this spur-of-the-moment performance. [DRINK] Oh, but it’s just because they like the song? It is not at all about Puck wanting to make the two backed beast with one Shelby Cocoran. Ahem.

Sue Sylvester’s AMAZING campaign video airs, wherein she describes Burt Hummel as having a baboon heart, he will expect all Ohioans to obtain baboon hearts, and also he might be a robot, who can say for sure? Hilarious moment: the tag line. “Paid for by angry white people to elect Sue Sylvester.” [DRINK!]

Kurt storms into her office the next day, absolutely livid, but not because of the horrendous outfit they’ve put him in, but because she’s straight up lying about the Sainted Burt Hummel. (I got your back, Boo.) But really, Kurt is wearing a blackened Poppin’ Fresh deflated chef hat made of leather and a sweater that looks like two grandmothers shot each others’ bed spreads which bled together, were buried at Branson, Missouri, and came back to life as a pancho of evil, sent to destroy the most fabulous style icon at McKinley High. [DRINK.]

Kurt remains mad about her lies, but he needs to learn how to play dirty, because that’s politics, baby! Cut to: Brittany passing out balloon with promises of candy kisses and unicorn gummy bears in every classroom, oh and also, Rachel Berry is still on MySpace, meaning she’s not fit to lead. [Double DRINK, Brit zinger and dirty politics.]

You know what, Ms. Sylvester? Burt Hummel didn’t raise a liar. Kurt will not be stooping to any level, because he only has his sights set on the stars, he thanks you very much. HARUMPH. And Sue calls him Yasser and I laughed so damn hard I spooked my cat. Yasser, fling a little poo. No he will NOT fling the poo! Good day to you, madam.

Shelby approaches Will in the teacher’s lounge, sorry about the whole defecting of his kids and all, they came to her, sorry? Will says no big, it’s all his fault anyway. Well, yes. They just want to, you know, actually sing, so… Will asks her if he saw they’re competing against each other in Sectionals and also a group that we’re supposed to believe would actually name themselves the Unitards. (I would name MY group that, but a school? Also, does this mean they’re competing against The Warblers at Regionals? Because I need that to happen. NEED.)

Will and Shelby decide that it’s time for mash-ups! But they’re going to make it a competition. UGH. Not a fan of mash-ups, guys. (Although let’s get real – the last song of the night is amazing.) Both groups wait for them on stage, when Will strolls out strumming a guitar, and Shelby sings along, and sits at the piano. And this is exactly why I hate mash-ups. It is, I swear to the god of your choice, “You and I” by Lady Gaga smashed with “You and I” by Crystal freaking Gayle and Eddie flipping Rabbit. And if you watch the kids, they are all forcing themselves to smile and bob their heads because this is awful and I want to rip out my ears because they are all better than this.

Proposal: someone do a mash-up of “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel and “I Only Have Eyes For You,” by the Flamingos, and then ask David Lynch to direct a movie about serial killers who collect bottled ships and eat ants, and this mash-up can be the big love scene song between Lara Dern and Willem Dafoe as they feed each other fist fulls of cherry pie. (If you like David Lynch, that joke was GOLD.)

Rachel says it all. “Wow. Um, why?” Hey, gang, it’s time you got serious! You should battle it out in song. Sounds great! Again!

After school, Puck brings Shelby a wee pumpkin (cafeteria was out of apples) and he lays it out plain. “I want you. You’re only my substitute, so no big. We have chemistry. I dig on MILFs. Oh, and I’m in love with you.” Why should she? He has an answer for that, too. “You’re hot. I’m hot. I love Beth, and I’m her dad and I could be her dad. We’re the ultimate mash-up [groan].”

She’s not feeling it, bro. It’s not that easy to deter the Puckerman, sister, he’s got it bad for you, and she better recognize that this is going to happen. (We all see the outcome telegraphing a mile away, right?)

In Glee, Will asks for song suggestions and they’re all group names, and Kurt hollers Spice Girls, and I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want. (Yo tell me what you want, what you really really want?) I wanna [huh!] I wanna [huh!] I wanna [huh!] I wanna [huh!] I wanna really really really wanna make them stop having Kurt suggest songs that are not even close to what he’d actually like. Sorry.

Finn steps up like a leader-bro and says those bands all broke up, they need to pick a band that has stayed together through the tough times. Captain and Tennille it is! Wait, no, he says Hall and Oates. Really. REALLY. Also, he thinks they need to give the solo to the new guy. The camera is fixed on Blaine, but oooooh, sick burn, Finn meant Rory. And Blaine, ever the dapper gentleman, takes it in stride and agrees, even tells a nervous Rory that he’d be great. I love you, Blaine Anderson.

Quinn bitches to Puck about how CPS sucks for not taking Beth away yet, god, government Is so stupid. She hisses and spits her venom at Puck, demanding he step it up and make this hostile takeover happen already. She wants to take that baby now, okay? It’s all about winning. And yeah, maybe having a kid would be cool. Whatever. Puck is so not okay with how things are turning out.

Quinn tries to then kiss up to Shelby to get on the TroubleTones, but Shelby isn’t so cool with it. Oho. Meanwhile, Finn and Rory have some bro-bonding (adorable) and Rory is just super scared about a solo. He just really wants to support Finn, because Finn is his hero. Finn explains what trash talking means when the conversation veers to Santana, when Speak of the Devil walks by.

Finn tells her she looks like an assless J. Lo. Oooh, that would hurt if J. Lo were relevant! (My idea: she looks like a deflated Kardashian. The one no one cares about. Naya, I think you’re perfection, by the way.) Rory’s slam is my favorite: “You’re skinny like all the crops failed on yer family’s farm! I’m Oirish!”

Oh, bless. Those two couldn’t insult Santana if she wrote it out for them. Finn bows up and is all, is that right? Then how about a little dodge-ball out of the blue for no reason this has actually been banned in most schools but there’s a point to it so how about we keep on with my idea of playing it?

It’s on like Red Dawn, Donkey Kong!

Rachel approaches Shelby with a letter of recommendation for NYADA. She’s already written it, and if Shelby will just sign it, it should really help. Shelby does without question. Rachel turns to leave and Shelby says, “I’m so proud of you. You’re truly a star, Rachel.” She just wants to cheer Rachel on, aww. Rachel takes her letter back and asks if maybe Shelby could write one in her own words instead?

Sure! Shelby looks over her resume, it’s impressive. “I feel terrible for kids who don’t have these credentials. They have no chance in hell of getting into NYADA.” Twinge of guilt on Rachel’s part for stabbing one Kurt Hummel in the back – and ooh, that’s a stingy pain, isn’t it?

Time for dodge-ball. Rachel tries to talk to Kurt, but he’s still very angry with her, and has every right to be. She tries to not cry as she tells him how much she misses being friends with him. “Maybe you should have thought of that before you walked all over me in your borderline sociopathic climb to the top.”

Finn blows this whistle, the girls are black, the New Directions are red, and Rory has no idea how to play. Puck fills him in: BALLS. YOU DODGE THEM. The song “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” by Pat Benetar and Blondie’s “One Way Or Another” plays. Rachel is hit in the face when Santana hits her solo [DRINK] then Quinn, Mike, Kurt – making the best smashed face face of all – and there is some random flying and leaping of bodies (I counted Blaine soaring twice, nice shorts,) and then it’s only Finn and Rory. Santana beams him in the face, girls win!

Rory stands there, not sure what to do, and the girls all bean their balls at him viciously, and he falls to the ground, curling up on himself. Kurt runs over, yells at them to stop and sees that Rory has a bloody nose. Kurt Hummel, you win at life, let’s all just accept it. I love that kid. I LOVE KURT HUMMEL. He tells them that this is not how they should be treating each other like this.

At the Trouble Tones practice, Mercedes shows up with the suggestion to sing Adele (Adele actually made a video asking Amber Riley to sing her songs, sent it to Amber, and she sent it to the producers. Talk about flattering!) Everyone loves the idea, Santana tries to steamroller control, but Miss Mercedes is not having that. She brought yo ass into this club, and she can take you out.

Everyone stands behind Mercedes. Shelby says they’ll win because they’re better, not meaner. And in the cutest moment ever between Brittany and Santana, Brittany sing-songs, “Stop the violence!” cracking Santana up, and she agrees and they are all smiles for each other and it’s so cute. [DRINK]

Santana agrees to apologize to Finn. She finds him in the hall, talking with Rory, and delivers an EPIC SLAM.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that we’re going to kick your ass. I’m sorry that you sing like you’re getting your prostate checked. I’m sorry that you dance like you’ve been asleep for years and someone just woke you up. Have fun riding on Rachel’s coat tails for the rest of your life. Although, you know what? I would just watch out for her come holiday time, if I were him. Because if I were her, I’d stick a stent into one of those boobs and let the Finn blubber light the Hanukkah lamp for eight magical nights.”

She walks off, dusting her shoulders, but Finn is not letting that go. He slowly follows her, talking in a regular voice in the hall, just for her. “Hey, Santana, why don’t you just come out of the closet?”

ERRRRRRRK! Needle on the record, what was that?! She stops, dead. Some girl in the hallway reacts, no one else does.

“You tear others down because you’re constantly tearing yourself down. Because you love Brittany and you’re scared she might not love you back. Must hurt to not be able to admit to everyone how you feel. I think you’re a coward. See you at the mash-off.”

DAAAAAAAAAAAMN. (Note Rory’s face through this whole exchange. He looks horrified.)

Time for another Sue campaign video! “Burt says he has no baboon heart, but he also says he’s not married to a donkey. So which is it? I’m Sue, vote for me. And it’s not personal.”

Cut to Burt at Will’s place, pissed that Will is doing nothing about this, what with him totally usurping Kurt as campaign manager (ah, didn’t think I’d remember that, Glee writers? Well I did.) Burt tells him to get a handle on this, STAT.

Puck is over at Shelby’s playing with Beth and being adorable and please shave the mohawk off. Don’t you think it’s played out, guys? Just me? Anyway, Shelby is digging this whole guy playing with my daughter as we do domestic things around the house stuff. Puck finally comes clean about Quinn’s master plan with CPS, they wanted to be the parents, but he is sorry, and it was stupid. He used to think of Beth as an accident, but she’s not. Shelby was meant to be her mother. And he wants to be the baby daddy daddy. Aww.

Time for the first Mash-Off, Finn wins the Rochambeau with paper covering rock, burn! They’ll go first. It’s their big Hall-n-Oates number, everyone is in more cheesy 80s togs and they are wearing mustaches and I do not like it, I do not like it on Artie. I do not like it on Mikey. I do not like it on my Blaine. Hey wardrobe peeps: you hurt my brain. Kurt and Rory aren’t, because I guess that would look ridiculous? (I know, half are Hall, half are Oates.)

Tina and Rory sing together, though, and they sound lovely. The guys whip off their ‘staches for the finale as Quinn and Finn wrap up the adult contemporary in a Hyper-Color bow. (Shelby looks on, thinking daggers at Quinn.) Finn’s voice is well suited for this type of mellow adult contemporary. Eh.

Next is a close up on campaign posters. Rachel with a blacked out tooth, Kurt with a penis and balls, I mean, glasses and cigarette, and Brittany with a musical toot out of her tush. Time for the big debate! Figgins is so deliciously droll as he tells the crowd that it’s a “magnificent turn out.” There are a few dozen kids there.

Rick “The Stick” Nelson is up first. He’s the guy that bullied Rory with the whole, “Say U2 Is overrated! SAY IT!” that cracked me up. His ginger mullet is so fingers kiss, I can’t even. So like, his dad? Okay? Pays taxes and stuff? Which, like, makes him the boss of teachers, or something. So they totally need to shut up and let him run the show. You know? RICK THE STICK!

Brittany takes the podium with a coloring page filled with her notes. She tells the crowd that tornadoes are a horrible plague on this country, and if she’s elected, she will take a stand and make them illegal. Also she will initiate Topless Tuesday, which garners a huge cheer.

And then the boy that moves me, the single most interesting kid in all of Ohio, takes the podium after taking off his unicorn headband, and come on. COME ON. Although only Kurt Hummel could sit with such a straight and proud back whilst wearing a unicorn on his head, let’s just all come to terms with it.

He mentions all of the lies and cruelty happening in this election, and he simply refuses to be bullied. (Cut to Blaine who practically has hearts beating in his eyes, as he makes a “go on!” teeny gesture, [DRINK]) And in fact, Kurt refuses to let anyone be bullied. Which is why he’s going to ban dodge-ball.

Well, that got their attention.

Since it’s invention (insert hilarious made-up facts) it’s been an instrument of suppression. It’s awful. It’s degrading, and hey, it actually hurts. It’s modern day stoning. (How brilliant is that line?) Violence is not okay. Huge round of applause from the people that matter.

Rachel takes the podium. And although she still believes that her crusade for book covers was brilliant, politically – the hockey guys heckle her, and Will shuts it down – she is withdrawing her name from the race and wants people to vote for Kurt, because he really is the only person qualified for the job. He deserves it. Raise you hand if you were proud of Rachel Berry!

Kurt asks her after the debate why? Well, she thinks he’s spectacular, but he needs that extra padding on his application to NYADA. Also, she hated him hating her. Oh, Kurt did too, because scowling causes forehead lines, and he’s simply way too young for Botox. Rachel tells him that honestly, her dreams of going to New York involve him being there with her . And..she’s going to hug him now, okay? (Nice nod to season 1.) Rachel/Kurt friendship is back on track, hooray! I loved them being friends.

Quinn drops in at Shelby’s trying to be awful, but Shelby lets her know that she knows about the whole plan. By the way Quinn? You have no idea what it means to be a mother. Quinn would like to remind the audience that Shelby gave her baby up for money, like a whore. DAMN. Yeah, she needs to get on out of Shelby’s place, shut up, thanks, bye. What about Puck? Uh-puh-puh, shut up. And get out.

Brittany tells Santana she should stop mocking Finn, when Becky interrupts, Santana needs to get to Coach Sue NOW. Will, Burt and Sue are there, and she’s freaking. What on earth? Sue looks pissed. But then Will pats her shoulder so…? Sue apologizes for making her campaign nasty. Because, um, it led to something bad. And she feels responsible for this happening.

Turns out that the one girl that overheard Finn? Her uncle is also running for office. And he has a new campaign video. They put the tape in to show her. It’s a slam on Sue’s “family values” platform, because what’s the deal with promoting a lesbian cheerleader to captain? Insert images of Santana and rainbow flag hearts. Also, why doesn’t Sue have a husband? Something she needs to confess, too? [DRINK, that is the dirtiest of politics.]

Santana is bawling. “I can’t believe this is happening. I haven’t even told my parents.” She runs out, crying. Good hell.

Cue the mash-up for the girls’ team, Adele’s “Rumor Has It” and “Someone Like You,” and it is flawless. Mercedes busts out “Rumor Has It” [DRINK] and then Santana takes over “Someone Like You” [DRINK] and she is quietly freaking out as the words of the songs hit home. And Brittany does at the end, as well, and it’s really heart breaking. The song wraps up, Finn whispers something to Rachel, and Santana demands to know what he said.

“Um, I said you were really good?”

“Oh, really?”

Rachel interjects, not getting what’s going on, “He literally just said you were really good.”

Santana shrieks at him, wanting to know if he told her, too, and now everyone knows!

“The whole school has known, Santana.”

“NO. EVERYONE.” And she slaps the shit out of his face.

Well, there’s an ending for you.

We have a break for another week, then it picks back up after US Thanksgiving. We’ll find out who wins the class president election, as well.

 

Drunken Thoughts:

Okay, I told my friend as soon as the episode ended that I can see the backlash against Finn from here, it will be all about how he was awful and horrible and shouldn’t have outed Santana, and they will demand his head.

Guys. Santana is so mean. You know the writers balanced his calm, quiet (it was meant for her, not everyone, he was very quiet as he said it.) dig at her to balance her over the top insults. And if it’s not okay to insult girls (calling them fat, flabby, gross, etc., all the things she calls Finn) it’s not okay to insult guys. You want equality? There you go.

BUT. Was it not a good thing to have said that with the chance of being overheard? Absolutely. You think high school kids think about repercussions? Of course not, or there’d be no point to these shows. This isn’t about “she deserved it,” which is going to be the other side’s argument, I’m guessing, but the real question is: did he out her? Did he really? Not at McKinley, I don’t think so, at least.

Edited to add: Keep reading comments, as there are some amazingly insightful discussions going on, including me getting my ass handed to me, but lovingly. :)

And please note what a big diversion to how dirty politics really suck and are awful and destructive this is. You know, just like in real life. I thought it made for brilliant TV, personally. Now. Let’s talk about it.

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