I’m breaking the rules here at HDJM by reviewing something that I do NOT love. Well, I love to hate it, so there we go. If you’re interested in my views on Twilight, I posted a series where I point out all of the flaws and how Mormon the books are, the LDS Sparkledammerung. This is more of an MSTK3, because we all kinda hate it, don’t we?
First off, let’s just establish right off the bat that this did not need to be two damn movies. Do you have a frantic race from orcs in the Mines of Moria? Or a massive battle with The Bride and the Crazy 88s? No? Then learn how to edit. Oh, wait, that’s a problem with the books, too. Then again, these movies are total lady-bait with loads of staring and breathing and staring intensely and intense breathing.
Also, there were a lot of dudes at my theater. One in particular was all by himself, as well. (He was the only other person I noticed who came alone. I wouldn’t force this on a friend, I’m cool like that.)
We open on a rainy day and Jacob throwing a stupid ass invitation into the stupid ass ground for that stupid buttface Bella and Edward’s wedding, gross, and the rain masks his tears, you guys, because HE loves Bella. And he has a pulse. (And morphing back to being a human is like an instant-wax job, which is nice if you’re not into pelts? Pity.)
Awkward Bella with her atrophied muscles and her ‘oops, I’m so silly I can barely stand and walk!’ lady legs shuffles around in high heels, trying to figure out how they work, ha ha! She’s just like you and me, you guys! Bjork-Alice is amused by this adorable creature, the way she complains and tells them to quit doting on her, to stop buying her things, and to stop all the effort Alice has put into this wedding. Bella just can’t bring herself to even smile, but that’s okay!
Bella goes home after glancing intensely at Edward through a window, to stare intensely at her bedroom’s surroundings, because tomorrow she’ll be singing, “Toniiiiiiiight! I celebrate my looooooove for you!” so this is kind of her last night as a ‘little girl’. She gone be a murried lady now.
And of course Edward is just there in her room, all of a sudden, sneaking in for old time’s sake. Well, he just wanted to stalk on by so he could say that he’s been a naughty vamp in the past, and she needed to know all about his rumspringa of human blood. We see him follow a woman out of a theater, and just when you think he’s going to eat her, he grabs a man following her. Oh does he now? Edward just got way more interesting.
Oh, rats. He just wants to suck the dude’s blood, and it was okay for him to feed on LOTS AND LOTS OF MEN we’re told, because they were bad guys, at least that’s the lie Edward tells himself so he can not sleep at night because…he doesn’t sleep. Bella is very heart-eyes and “I don’t care if you killed people, you’re good now, also, you probably SAVED lives by taking some. I really want to finally have sex, so don’t back out on me now, buddy.”
Emmett tries out his stalker skills to pop in just when Edward and Bella start French kissing so he can take Edward to his bachelor party. …where they’re going to eat a mountain lion or bear. Fun times screwing over the natural balance of nature, whee! Also, there’s a rootbeer keg and a Sorry! tournament because it’s a PARTY.
Soft music of virginity and hymens plays as Bella grabs at her neck and looks at all of her silly, childish things. #Justvirginalgirlthings
White wedding time! Everyone is in white, with crimson accents and Bella is so happy and she sees Ed there and then eh meh ghed, the Volturri! (The Catholic vampires) and then Ed’s all bloody and wait, she’s all bloody, and the camera pulls back and all of the guests are dead and bloody and ARRANGED LIKE A WEDDING CAKE WHERE SHE AND EDWARD ARE THE TOPPERS! Whaaaaaaaaat??? See, now that’s a movie I could have gotten behind!
Pah, it was only a dream. Dammit, Twilight… She gets ready, we’re all reminded she has parents who think she’s great and think her getting married at 18 is great, and her not wanting college or anything for just herself is great. Great! (They still don’t know about the Mormon Vampires and eternal life in heaven though.)
Her friends from school all assume she’s pregnant, otherwise, why is she getting married so soon? Hahaha, finally, something realistic. Bella freaks out as she’s beginning the wedding march, while her dad holds on looking grim. She can’t look anywhere but at her feet, looking like she might bolt, throw up, cry or all three. She finally glances up and sees Edward.
Now I am okay. Now I can walk. Now I can liiiiiiiiiiiive!
Until he kills you, like you asked, that is, right Bells?. The song from their first dance plays as they say their vows, “I promise to always sparkle for you and forsake all other illumination. I promise to share the Wolverine blood, I mean wolverine because we don’t eat people” and so on. The theater I was in was absolutely silent. Everyone hanging on this: it’s why we’re here!
They kiss, it goes on way too long. You know those weddings where you see tongue and pants tenting and it’s like, come on, guys, you got a room, just go there and let us eat your shitty dry cake. The other Mormon Vampires (they’re even blonde! With Golden Plates, er, Eyes!) congratulate her on becoming one of them.
One vampire chick looks seriously constipated for a moment. Oh, never mind, it’s just an allergic reaction to werewolves. The vamp storms off in a huff, because how dare Bella invite her were-friend to her wedding! Emmett gives an incredibly awkward and suggestive toast, then Bella’s “friend” Jessica insults her, marvels that Ed wasn’t picking up what she was putting down, and is a bitch (meaning I find her wonderfully entertaining), and then a montage of really lame jokes from everyone is outdone by Bella’s mother crooning a lullaby into the microphone to her daughter. OH MY GOD, MOM.
Someone cuts her off; she’s had enough to drink. (There’s always one.) And please note that it’s very clear she is leaving her family and friends forever to take on his family. There’s no way they can say, “Hey, undead now, but we can still have Sunday dinner?” Nope.
Then Edward gives a toast where he says how much better his life is because of Bella. And now he doesn’t have to keep oiling her window casings to silently stare at her while she sleeps. Yay! (Now picture Rpatz staring at her like the possessed chick in the first Paranormal Activity. Ha ha. Again, would be a much better movie.)
Ed takes Bella to the woods (hey-o!) to see something he has “special for her” (hey-now!) and it’s just Jacob (hey–! Rats.) In the book he shows up in cut off sweat pants, right? Well, I was denied that bit of hilariousness as Jake’s in normal pants and a button down, and they dance slowly and it’s weird that they’re totally eye-boning each other and she just got married, right?
It gets inappropriate fast by him saying he’s sorry it’s the last time she’ll be a human. Oh, no, she’s not going to do “that” yet (be turned into a vampire, which hurts) because she “didn’t want to spend [her] honeymoon writhing in pain.” UM. She wants to spend it bumping marble with her new man, but Jacob says this could kill her.
La petite mort, yes. No, no, like, actually KILL her. Because those thrusts of vampires? Go right through your spine, man. You have to have a vampire-diamond lady bucket to take it. He’s pissed and threatens to kill Edward if his boning Bella kills her. Fun wedding conversation, amirite guys?!
Time to leave. They have her in an adorable beige shift with a wee black bow at the waist (I can be nice!) and there’s just tons of dead space with everyone waving goodbye, Bella looking at each one, more waving, slowly driving away (in the Volvo, ha), them looking out the window, looking at their joined hands, looking out the window and just get somewhere, already. This whole thing took like 56 minutes.
There’s a pained wail in the woods that had me clapping my hand over my mouth, because it was like the sound chip in a Three Wolves Braying card you get in the Tetons to send home to your Geemaw because she loves “western stuff.”
They fly to Brazil, see street urchins and people enjoying life. They walk through the crowd, people are making out, dancing sexy, and Edward keeps a stiff upper lip and walks her through the riff-raff to climb into a boat. (Chris Craft, nice!) Esme (his “mom”) has her own island. When I say she has her own island, I mean it’s called Isle Esme. It’s a tropical paradise, a truly stunning home that is decorated perfectly. Bella walks around the place, sees the bed, Edward comes in, and the deep, dirty base line of loving starts to-
Oh, no, he just has her bags. Maybe they could go for a swim? Sounds good to Bella. Rock music plays as she takes, like, four hours to freshen up before getting in the ocean. It’s like there’s a fetish for deflowering prep happening here. She tells herself to not be a coward, and goes out there in a towel, sucks it up and walks out to him where they embrace and the camera pans to the full moon. (“AroooOooooOOooo!” Jacob cries, although he doesn’t know why!)
But don’t worry, there are some sexy times filmed. We see no sparkle peen, and in fact, not once did I see any of them sparkle. I was denied once again of my rainbow sparkles – which is how it is actually described in the book. Ed is worried he’s going to Dolph Lundgren her (I must break you) but she just wants to get laid, Edward, good lord, have sex with your wife. I mean… jeez. Can’t you control yourself?
It cuts to bedroom shenanigans, and it’s pretty hot, I have to say. Lots of fast cuts that fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer will recognize from Buffy and Angel’s love scene. (Just pointing that out, ahem.) Edward smashes his fists through the headboard, because he’s super strong, and the audience just laughed and laughed, oh, that superhuman vampire! What a scamp.
She wakes with feathers drifting around, sees the bed is completely shattered. She touches her lips as “Now that I’m a woman….everything has changed!” plays (not really) and there is a sweet moment when she thinks back on their love making and is obviously happy and overcome by it, and then Edward is a dick with his gruff voice and expressionless face asking, “How bad do you hurt?”
“Hmm? I’m just fine!” Nope, she’s bruised to hell and back, and Edward whirls away, angry at himself for letting Bella convince him to touch her, I ARE SORREH, he cries. Way to kill the mood, jerk, because she isn’t! She hadn’t even gotten to third base with you before, and sex rocks! And you know, it would be pretty nice if he could just say she didn’t suck, or something, yeesh.
He says there will be no more sex until she turns, because he gets to decide this stuff? So they play chess! And go on hikes! (Where he runs away from her constantly.) And more chess! And her walking by him in sexy lingerie and him covering her body with a blanket, dropping a forehead kiss like she’s a child! And more chess! Bella knocks him over (see? She won a chess game with the queen!) and starts having sex on him (he’s not responding) when everything shakes and is weird and it cuts to her in bed and all of that was a dream. Or nightmare, because who the hell wants to play chess on their honeymoon?
She then, and I’m not joking, begs him to have sex with her. Fiiiiiiiine, eye roll. The next day, the housekeepers come (they have their own boat, I guess?) and are horrified and grossed out by Edward because they know. They know. The audience lost their shit as the housekeepers carried out the busted bed. They were just jollied up that he banged her like a screen door! Ha, how precious.
Bella wakes up the next day, makes food, like, a lot of it. She eats a piece of chicken that hasn’t been fully cooked and stares at the blood. Edward pops in, she races to the bathroom and throws up. She does calendar math and realizes her period is late. No. Nooooooo. She looks in the mirror at her perfectly flat belly, and feels something inside.
Edward freaks out, Bjork-Alice calls (she can see the future) and Bella tells everyone – without an EPT test, even – that she’s pregnant. Edward grabs the phone, listening to Carlisle (his dad) and has horror wash over his features.
YES, EDWARD, IT’S TRUE. Her feet are going to get fat. And she is going to want all the pillows now. And she is going to cry for no reason and be really hot, no, wait, she’s really cold, and just go back to the store and get her some damn ice cream. Deal with it.
Time to go home! She’s excited about the baby, but Edward isn’t. He pulls the housekeeper over to her, wanting to know if there are some jungle rituals she would know about this sort of thing (No, really) and she’s all, “I don’t know nuthin’ about birthin’ no maybe-babies!” Wait, maybe she does. She touches Bella, whispers “death” and goes back to scrubbing lime scale. You just have to stay on top of that stuff, you know?
Edward hates the thing in her, but Bella’s all, “Not without my beh-beh!” and Edward goes, “No, for we shall cut it from you and smite it with great smoting and then I will frown heavily upon it!”
Jacob goes home, finds out from Billy that Bella’s sick. He thinks this means she’s becoming a vampire. He has eyes of mourning and rage! He stands under a street lamp in a white tank, angry at himself, at life, tearing at his clothes, yelling, “BELLA!” He calls the Cullens’ house to find out the deets, goes over there, and they all make a big deal about hiding her. She’s been there for a few weeks already.
The Big Reveal! Oh, wait, she just looks really sick and has a lot of blankets. That are hiding her ginormous preggo belly! There are sores and crap all over it, too, seen as her shirt hitches up some. Why haven’t they gotten it out? Seems that Bella now has a diamond uterus, and nothing’s getting in. Vampires are kind of made of diamonds, if you didn’t realize that. (Which is why they sparkle. No. REALLY. God dammit, America, shame on you for loving this.)
Bella hollers at them, “My body, my choice, remember?” Shut up, honey, the men are talking. Carlisle is going to turn her at the last minue, if her heart can take it. (Mine can’t, you guys. Is she going to make it???!?) Edward gives Jake permission to kill him if Bella dies. “Okey dokey!”
Jake and Bella chill, just hanging and catching up on old times, you know, and ferserius, this baby is a miracle, Jake! Also, I think it’s a boy. Jake tears his hair, “I want you to liiiiive!” Oh, silly pants, it’s going to work out, Bella just knows it. Except for some horrifyingly painful twitches inside her body, which grosses Jake out enough that he runs away, turning into a wolf as soon as he’s outside.
And then we get a super-long and wholly unnecessary run through the woods in Wolf-View where it flashes red and memories whirl by along with snarling wolf faces (that look like the harbinger of The Nothing from Neverending Story) and lots of really awful overdubs of the human voices for the wolves having an argument and sharing thoughts.
The leader of the pack (vroom, vroooom!) wants to kill Bella and the baby. Really, it’s the most sensible solution. Oh, HALE naw, they fight, and the overly dramatized voice overs and really “powerful music” remind us to care. Jake isn’t going to back down, though, and he says very woodenly, “I was born to lead! I AM WOLF.” or something as the music practically crawls into your lap, shaking your shoulders so you will care, because this is so dramaticals!
Jake quits the gang (blood in, blood out) and two other characters join him so he’s not always by himself talking. Seth and Leah just want to belong to something, Jake, gosh.
The Cullens – in the bright of day with nary a sparkle – have on the worst makeup. Their hair is obviously just a pile of cheap wigs, their face powder looks like they stepped out of a 17th Century French boudoir, and it’s just…they had four movies to fix that. It looks like makeup, it doesn’t look like they’re another species. Ugh.
There’s talk about imprinting (where you see someone and fall in love and it’s forever and there’s nothing you can do about it and you’re compelled to be with them always) and it’s gross. Edward does a Google search on “Evil half vampire babies” and comes up with like, way too many hits for something that specific. Emmett turned off the Net Nanny so there are lady parts shown, and Edward is too much of a closeted gentleman to look at that. He storms off.
There’s a full-on hospital in the house, and Bella gets an x-ray. Her bones are breaking from the monster kicks from her monster baby, and her new father-in-law tells her that she’s probably going to die, so…. Shoulder pat, forced smile.
Also, she has had on the same ratty sweats and blue t-shirt since she got back from her honeymoon. Can’t they dress her? Think of the bed sores! MRSA is no joke, okay?
Edward reminds Bella that he hates the baby, and he will not love it if she dies. Nice, bro. Rosalie helps her get into a bath and you can see how skeletal she looks (and she does, you can see the nub on top of her shoulders) and Edward seethes as he sees her, because he loves making Bella feel aces about herself.
More inappropriate Jake moments the next day where he curls up with Bella to make her warm as she paws at him (her in-laws are right there). She starts writhing in pain and Jake figures out that the monster inside probably wants blood.
WHY DIDN’T THE ROOM FULL OF VAMPIRES THINK OF THAT?
And of course there just happens to be loads of O neg in the house (you always want to be prepared when guests pop in) and they give her some in a sippy cup because Bella is all oopsie doodles with spills and stuff. She says, “tastes like the best smoothie ever, look at my bloody teeth?” and the vampires say “Hooray!” for she is one of them. Kind of. Montage of more blood drinking, and nope, hospitals didn’t need that blood, not at all. Fuck you, ERs of the nation!
She calls her dad and says she’s “still sick, still out of town, and is going to Switzerland to a spa health clinic thingy, definitely not about to die, love you pops!” CLICK. Edward eventually apologizes for being a douche, gives her a sippy cup of blood (he even added a little B+ for flavor – it’s the vampire version of cinnamon sprinkles) and then it’s realized that Edward, who can read minds, can hear the baby.
The baby is so happy, you guys! The baby loves them, do they love the baby? Yes, yes, they do, and if Bella could bend over and kiss her own belly, she would. She sobs brokenly, “I love you, baby!” I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.
Jacob walks in and sees them happy and decides that he’s going to challenge his family to keep her safe. There’s an elaborate (read: unnecessary) ruse where he fakes out Seth and Leah and the other wolves to think he’s going to kill the baby, when really what he’s done is allowed Carlisle and Esme to go out for a bite to eat, oh and Emmett, too.
Jake goes to talk with Bella who has picked names. EJ for a boy (Edward Jacob, gag) or Renesme for a girl. The audience cackled, so amusing are these men humoring the little pregnant lady, aha ha! And that’s when she collapses like her spine just got twisted and snapped. Oh, because it did.
THE SCENE WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!
They drug her, realize the guy that’s the actual doctor is out on a date, and they freak. Her belly is all distended and mottled with bruises. Rosalie takes a scalpel and decides to give her a C-Section and freaks out at the blood, wanting to taste it like a proper vampire (finally!). Oh, and Bella screams because OUCH HEY THAT IS MY SKIN. She’s in agony and we see from her POV Edward leaning over her body, she shrieks, he does it again, his face is all bloody – there are these metalic ripping noises, and then he jams his hands in some guts and pulls out a wee little baby, totally covered in gore, just like its daddy.
Bella is fading, Edward hands it over to her, she screams (did it bite her boob?) and then she slips into unconsciousness. She’s positively skeletal. Edward pulls out a massive syringe, jams it into her; it’s filled with his “venom” which should turn her. He starts CPR, doesn’t know if it’s working, and Jake says woodenly (the kid can’t act) “Serves you right!” and runs away for a cry and a howl at the moon. Longest full moon cycle ever. I’m surprised there’s not world-wide flooding.
(Note: the audience went BANANAS. One lady near me made disgusted, horrified sounds. Did you NOT read the book? Edward eats the baby out of her! And if you did and you’re grossed out by that, why on earth are you here??)
Edward continues CPR, screaming, “Come on! Come on! Don’t you go dying on me!” and starts biting her all over, her neck, arms, legs, toe, guts, wherever, and there are really obnoxious, squishy sounds as he does.
Cut to the coolest visual in the movie: her blood stream being overtaken with…water? Venom? Doesn’t matter, it’s jacking everything up inside of her. Everything is dying, morphing into something new, and she’s seizing from the pain of it all. But only in her mind, because they all just see her looking like a corpse.
Rosalie rocks the baby, Jake creeps up on her, ready to kill it when he sees the baby’s face (it’s already looking a few months old now) and he flashes all “Somewhere In Time- like” on the baby growing up through the years to become a beautiful woman and HE LOVES HER, oh, how he loves this future one-day woman and it’s the baby now but his true love SOON and they’ll be together for ever. He is destined to be with this baby. (Read that shit again. HE IS NOW IN LOVE WITH A NEWBORN.)
He falls to his knees, worshipful. No, really.
Edward kisses Bella, grabs his siblings and challenges the wolves outside, because they’re ready to fight it out now. Attack! The vampires are out numbered, and it’s dark so you can’t see the action, really, but when Emmett, Carlisle and Esme show up, they’re able to hold the wolves back.
AND THEN. Jake comes out, Edward knows he’s “imprinted” on his daughter (awk-ward) and he stares at the wolves. “I am in love! You cannot kill her!” And they won’t because that’s their highest law: no killing imprinted things. The wolves all back down, super cowed by the ferocity of need in Jake (or maybe the creepiness of it all, yeah, that’s what I’m going with) and the music reminds us that this is intense! There are several moments of intense staring! This means something! I guess!
They wash Bella’s body, put her in some new clothes, finally, and as we watch, the camera pulls into her blood stream where her insides are baptized by water (or venom?) and she is made whole. Her hair has luster! Her skin divine! Her broken bones healed! She is resurrected anew and now she is beautiful like a princess as her brain wakes back up and gives her coma memories of everything ever about Edward, because that’s all that matters, oh wait, okay, so here’s a shot of her parents – eyeroll – and then more Edward.
Her heart stops. She’s alive! Or, she’s undead! Tight close up on her face, her eyes open! AND THEY’RE RED. Bum bum buuuuum!
Oh noes! The thing we expected to happen has happened! What is happening? You’ll have to wait for Part Two to find out. (Hint: they un-live happily ever after.)