Supernatural 7.09 – How to Win Friends and Influence Monsters

Creepy woods, creepy panting…. and a generator powered tent with a TV and bed in it? I’m guessing, after almost six and a half years of “Supernatural” formula, that the couple snuggling into their above the covers sleeping bags aren’t going to last very long. They click off the TV and the bedside lamp, that they have inside their tent, as the husband sticks his earbuds in and sets his iPod Nano to “Nature Sounds, the Sounds of Nature”. I literally welcome you to “Wendigo 2: Electric Boogaloo.”

Poor guy, he has no idea he’s about to be strung up in a tree like a lovely chrysalis and then torn apart. We watch as bloody sleeping bag fluff flutters to the ground and his iPod, earbuds and his ear follow the fluff. You’ll be happy to know that the iPod survives and continues to soothe us with the sounds of nature.

Sam and Dean are off playing Bob Villa, using jumper cables to light their new squat. It’s impressive, I would have used spit and duct tape, but I’m not nearly as advanced as they are. Sam seems pleased that it works, Dean was sure it was going to work. Clearly, it was Dean’s idea, but that’s no surprise, we know Dean is really handy, I mean he built Sam a car! Wait… wrong Dean, wrong show.

Anyway, they head up from the basement as Bobby is coming into their humble hovel. Now Dean’s never been a man of means, but this squalor is beyond the pale, everything in his life is without luxury and he’s over it. Then the jumper cable Jerry rig craps out. Dean is displeased, Bobby and Sam try to talk him down from the ledge. With a case of beer and a case to hunt.

People in Jersey Pinelands area have been disappearing, others have reported seeing a genetic experiment of a monster running around, papers are claiming a Jersey Devil is afoot. The locals rangers, on the other hand are claiming it’s a rogue bear.

What’s a Rogue Bear?

Bobby is stoked to head back to nature and take this threat down, Dean harshes Bobby’s boy scout squee and tells him they’ve gotta FBI it up first and make sure it’s really a boogeyman and not some psycho taking out overindulgent, glamorous faux campers.

They suit up and head out to a familiar spot, Biggerson’s Sizzlin’ Grill & Bar, where kids eat free, to meet up with Ranger Rick, who is chowing down on his sandwich and following the thread of the conversation like a seasoned professional stoner. That’s odd, I mean most authority figures at least try to maintain while in uniform, but Sam and Dean are onto Ranger Rick. Dean is convinced Ranger Rick forgot Biggie Smalls’ rule #4: never get high on your own supply. On the plus side it seems Ranger Rick doesn’t think it’s a rogue bear or the Jersey Devil. He does, however, think it’s Mother Nature PMSing.

Bobby and the Winchesters decide to take a lunch break, which is great because Biggerson’s is now serving the Pepperjack Turducken Slammer. I’ve often watched Turducken made on Food Network, I’ve never had the inclination to make or eat it though. Dean and I differ on this, he ordered this sandwich and he loves it. It’s every poultry pleasure he never knew he wanted. Sam and Bobby gaze at him from over their salads, grossed out, as is their right. Aside from the disgusting holiday themed sandwich, the other bizarre thing is their waiter, Brandon. He’s there and he’s wearing his flare, but he’s pretty much an insulting jackass with rage issues. Sam decides Brandon is not getting a tip.

Bellies full and civilian clothes back in place, the three men head out to the woods to do some real huntin’. Bobby leads the way, seeing as before he was a Hunter he was a hunter. He taught Sam and Dean everything they know about tracking because John used to dump the young Winchester boys on Bobby when the hunt was hot. 45% of fandom just fist pumped in victory at their head canon becoming actual canon. The other 45% went into a John Apologist rage. The last 10% don’t care either way. Besides, 82% of statistics are made up.

The point is, three good-looking, strong and capable men are trekking through the woods with rifles. There is no bad in this scene. Except for Sam’s fanny pack, that is. They come up on some remains in a tree and call in Ranger Rick, who figures it’s his missing assistant chief ranger, Phil. As he calls it in he’s snatched and dragged up a tree. Bobby aims, fires, and takes it down. Like a boss. They haul it back to their maison de moment to examine it. It’s freaky looking, like a zombie and a ghoul had a baby. Point blank freaky. Speaking of point blank, the thing suddenly frogs itself up on the table and growls at them. The guys unload on it, like Butch taking out Vincent Vega as the Pop-Tarts toast.

They go through its wallet and Dean is oddly blasé and quippy about it. Bobby and Sam are perplexed as they autopsy the thing, who turns out to be Gerald Browder, formerly chubby but now emaciated, despite that their digging around in his innards turns up everything shy of a license plate, including a full cat head. They also discover that his adrenal gland is huge. This is all disturbingly fascinating, unless you’re Dean Winchester. Dean just wants to know if they can go for dinner, because he’s hungry. Like really, really hungry.

Back to Biggerson’s they go so Dean can get his Pepperjack TDK Slammer fix. Bobby and Sam watch as Dean blissfully munches down his sandwich without a care in the world. Seriously, Dean flat out tells them that he doesn’t care about a damn thing in the world at the moment. That’s when Bobby and Sam glance around and realize the entire restaurant is also going to town on the TDK Slammer with a distinct Mary Jane look in their eyes.


Sam immediately snatches the slammer from Dean. Dean is majorly bummed.

Back at their broken down house of a base camp, Bobby and Sam examine the remaining half of Dean’s sandwich. Dean defends his sandwich’s honor in all his dazed and confused glory, because everything is beautiful and nothing hurts. He’s staunchly on the sandwich’s side and just wants it back… until it burps up grey goo. Dean is a little too high to be fully grossed out, but at least he knows he should be.

They hop in their current vehicle, a van, and jet off to stake out the Triple Meat Palace. Well, Sam and Bobby stake it out, Dean is busy sleeping off his hen high. Sam takes this opportunity to ask Bobby if he worries about Dean and Dean’s state of mind. Bobby clearly thinks Sam is an idiot, because his concern and need for concern are obvious. Bobby worries about both of them, but Sam tells Bobby that for all his hallucinating craziness, he’s got the advantage of knowing he’s actual factual bonkers in a contained way. Sam’s a brilliant and deep thinking idiot. Outside of Biggerson’s they spot a mystery meat delivery truck making a drop off and decide to tail it. It takes them to a back alley operation. Weird. And to top it off suddenly they see our old friend, Leviathan Edgar, who looks amazing for a having had a car dropped on him. Edgar has Brandon, the cranky Biggerson’s waiter, in the trunk. Brandon was going a bit more than off the rails and it seems that his condition is Leviathan territory. Bobby and the Winchesters are confused.

Totally valid.

We the viewers follow Edgar and a fully hooded Brandon into the warehouse where he meets up with Dr. Gaines, who is apparently the brains behind this grey super snot. It’s design function is to control people, to turn them into mindless, burger inhaling couch potatoes. Oh… I see what you did there “Supernatural”. Well played. Unfortunately, some test subjects, like Brandon and Gerald Browder, don’t do so well and the side effects are brutal. They decide to burn the gone wrongs because Dick is on his way.

Dick is Richard “Dick” Roman, the man, the myth, the annoyingly successful Republican billionaire motivational speaking author. And that was before he was a Leviathan. He’s since been on a corporate take over binge. He’s itching to be a one man Roman Empire with no intention of falling. Dick is not amused by Dr. Gaines’ margin of error; he’s on a tour de force and wants nothing but flawless actualization of his vision. He hopes Dr. Gaines is up for the challenge of making sure everyone understands this. Dr. Gaines, eager beaver, is totally on board.

In the meantime, Sam goes for quick lap around the area and Bobby has given Dean the sternest pep talk in “Supernatural” history, basically laying out that Dean needs to find his inner Prozac and take it on the regular because he’s talking like the walking dead. Bobby is very clear about making sure he doesn’t have to mourn Dean’s death. Y’know, again.

Sam is back from his field trip with nothing to report. Bobby pulls out the big guns, a vocal vibration surveillance microphone he borrowed from the #1 paranoid bastard, Frank Devereaux. Bobby heads out to gather intel. Intel turns out to be Bobby catching Dr. Gaines and Dick in the midst of Dr. Gaines’ bibbing ceremony. That’s right, as punishment for allowing wayward experiments tear apart yuppie campers, Dick Roman makes Dr. Gaines eat himself. Auto-cannibalism at its very best.

Bobby is shocked, so much so that he doesn’t notice he’s been discovered until it’s too late.

A semi-conscious Bobby is now comfortably seated in Dick’s makeshift office. He’s taking in everything Dick says, does and has, including the beautiful set of antique guns Dick is showing off, freshly won at auction. Dick, we learn, is a bit fascinated by the human species, but he still sees people as soylent green. Despite his hunger, he plans to hold off on eating Bobby because having Bobby as a hostage will lure the Winchester boys to him. Bobby says the boys are too smart for that, they know when they outnumbered and outmatched.

Wrong. So wrong. Blindingly incorrect in fact.

The boys storm in, cleaning products blazing, and borax the Leviathans in their path. Sam gives Dick an especially drenched faceful of the stuff, but Dick just keeps on coming. He’s impressed with that this chemical exists, but he calmly shakes it off and as Sam’s container drains Dick backs Sam into a corner. Bobby distracts Dick with a gunshot to the back long enough for Dean to dump a bucketful of cleansery mop water on Dick’s head. They take this opportunity to run off and grab the getaway van. Bobby holds off the Leviathans long enough for Sam and Dean to swing around and pick him up. He comes running out, Dick right on his tail, wielding his gun, but Bobby dives into the van at the very last second. Dean speeds off as Dick continues to unload his auction piece at the van.

They out-drive Dick’s shots and breathe a sigh of relief. Sam graciously hands Bobby his trucker hat, which seems to have flown off his head in the chaos. Except Bobby doesn’t reach up for it. Or respond at all. The hat has a bullet hole in it. And Bobby still doesn’t answer as the boys call his name over and over.