The Group Sing song is “Man in the Mirror”, because if history has taught us anything, it’s that there’s no way you can have a Michael Jackson tribute night without this song. I’ve heard more reality TV singers sing this than MJ himself, I swear. Anyway, they all sound rather terrific, and now that LeRoy is no longer there, everything goes smooth as silk. Really boring silk, but still.
Now comes the good part. Who’s been voted through to the Top 5? That would be Chris Rene, which I called. And Melanie Amaro, which everybody everywhere called. And Rachel Crow. Yay! So far, so good.
That leaves Josh, Astro, Marcus, and Drew. One will be eliminated right here and now, one will go through, and the other two will have to sing for their lives. But who is who? Which is which?
The person going through is Josh, despite his weak performance last night. He’s so excited he lifts Nicole right off her feet, bending her backwards like a bow. I’m a little worried he broke her spine in half and paralyzed her, but no, it’s all good.
The person going home is Astro. He is, somewhat surprisingly, the perfect jilted contestant. He thanks everyone, especially his fans, and says how much fun he had, and that it’s okay that he’s going home, and he wishes the best of luck to Drew and Marcus. A completely class act. Best of luck to you too, sweetie.
And that leaves Marcus and, more shockingly, Drew. At least, Drew is shocked. She’s already bawling away, but it doesn’t matter because it’s time to sing for the judges.
Drew’s up first. She sings “Listen to Your Heart” and even though I personally loathe that song, she does a good job of it despite her nerves. It’s only after she’s done that you can see she’s violently shaking with anxiety.
Next comes Marcus, who sings “One of Us.” He puts his heart and soul into it, like he always does, but the guy sounds like ass. He shrieks the chorus, and I know he’s emotional, but damn it was wince-worthy. The word that springs to mind is “caterwauling”. YMMV, of course.
Now it’s in the judges’ hands. LA of course votes to send Drew home, and Simon says that the results are entirely his fault, that he should have listened to the other judges, and he begs the female judges to give Drew one more chance. It’s sort of horrifying yet satisfying to see Simon eat humble pie, but we’ll see what effect it has on Nicole and Paula.
Nicole tells Drew in some detail how amazing she is, but she gets misty as she tells Marcus she sees how much of his heart he lays out when he sings. BAM, she’s sending Drew home.
Okay, now it’s all up to Paula. She’s such a kind soul that she’s obviously going to vote to send Marcus home, leaving it to the American public to make the decision on who should stay and who should go.
Except she doesn’t. She coldly sends Drew packing with not a tear shed. It’s just my take, but this seemed to be a blatant bitch slap against Simon, who dissed the other judges one time too many in previous shows, I guess. It’s all personal taste, but after their “Save Me” performances tonight I think it’s ludicrous to assert that Marcus deserves to be going through more than Drew. At the very least, it would have been a lot easier to swallow if that’s what the viewers at home actually wanted. We’ll never know now, though, will we?
Okay, fine, injustices abound, etc. But we’re only getting started, dear reader. Simon is so pissed off he jumps to his feet and stalks away, mouthing, “Unbelievable!” Drew breaks into the ugliest ugly cry you ever did see. She sobs piteously as the crowd screams their disapproval, and Simon comes onstage to comfort her.
Steve, of course, wants her to say something. She takes the opportunity to thank her fans and assure them that we haven’t seen the last of her! She’s going to keep singing, upbeat songs next time, more different ones (and not that crap Simon chose for her, apparently)! At this point, I start laughing. I can’t help it, even if it means going to X Factor hell. Steve sticks the microphone in Simon’s face, but Simon sure as heck isn’t going to say anything at this point to his fellow judges, because whatever he’d say would surely get bleeped. I bet he wishes he stuck with Cheryl Cole now!
The other two girls from Simon’s team rush onto the stage like a pack of rabid dogs, falling on Drew in an estrogen-laced pile and boo-hooing like Drew was just chosen to fight in the Hunger Games. Steve pries them off her to give her one last chance to say goodbye. Her parting words are, “Jesus loves all of you guys.” Now I’m crying. And rolling. And holding my sides. I’ll treasure this moment forever, I tell you true.
Paula comes onstage to say something in Drew’s ear, but Drew doesn’t look like she wants to hear it. Good try at fake sympathy, you heartless wench. Simon’s hand flicks Paula away like she’s a mosquito buzzing around them. It’s going to be chilly backstage, don’t you agree? Now THAT’s good reality TV.
And we’re done for another week. I can’t wait until next time!