Sectionals! A veritable whiplash of story wrap up in a ridiculous amount of time! But this week it’s all about hanging on to your youth, because once that’s gone, what do you have left? Nothing. Being young is everything. EVERYTHING. It’s the cat’s pajamas! And so this week’s cocktail is the Bee’s Knees.
Grab your Bingo Card for today, and the free space is to drink whenever we’re reminded that you better be glad you’re young, because changes come around real soon, make us women and men. [And I hate them for putting that ear worm in my head.]
Quinn, in a sassy chapeau, sees Rachel, who is only at school to pick up textbooks, and tells her that she needn’t fret about the Trouble Tones winning, because she’s got an ace in the hole. The ace being Puck and the hole being… Well. Rachel is properly skeeved out, but recognizes that Puck is eighteen, so it’s not illegal. (Unethical on Shelby’s part, yes. But illegal? I don’t know. Still. Ew.)
“But you’re going to wreck Shelby’s family!” Rachel cries.
Rachel points out that Quinn really, really should stop this whole villain thing because frown lines are forever, and Beth really loves Shelby, and it’s wrong to break up a family.
We learn that Sectionals will be at McKinley this year (because that’s important?) but they recognize that they need more performers to hit the minimum of 12. All of the Cheerios are with the Trouble Tones, though. Wait, what about that cute guy with the hot bod we let go last year? Trouty something…
Kurt and Blaine are at the Lima Bean filling out more paperwork for Kurt’s applications (hopefully he’s realized there are more schools in the world, and he can apply to as many as he wants) as Blaine bitches about Finn being a constant jackass to him. When all of a sudden, a cold chill creeps down Kurt’s back and he sees Sebastian slithering over to flirt with Blaine.
“Hey there, good looking! Don’t you think I’m hot? I do. Also, I think you’re hot. Hi, Kurt. So Blaine, what do you say to you and me making the two-backed beast in my Jag? Also, I haven’t seen you online lately…”
What?! Blaine Warbler Anderson, you don’t have to friend everyone back on Facebook, come on. We learn that the Warblers won their Sectionals, so there’s a potential mashup of the two schools at Regionals again. Sebastian’s forked tongue slurs out soothing words to Blaine, trying to hit that so hard, it’s like a five year old at their first tennis lesson where Daddy said he won’t get an ice cream if he can’t hit it over the net.
“So…you’re awesome, and I’m awesome, and my pants are tight and I like pocket pals, feel me? No, really: feel me.”
Blaine hops out of his seat for a new coffee and possibly to bathe in hand sanitizer. Kurt smirks at Sebastian.
“So… Timon. You’re a jack ass. Your hair is stupid, your face is bony, oh, and Blaine and I are in love. Buh-bye.”
Sebastian throws out a head roll. “Hey, Twink. You look like a twink and you’ll always look like a twink. By year’s end I’ll have your boy, a trophy from Nationals, and you’ll be here at the Lima Bean watching us flirt every day. Oh, sure we could go elsewhere, but why would we?”
Kurt: “You smell like Craigslist.” Ahahaha. And I would like to point out that Kurt Hummel appears to be wearing acid-wash denim shirt with a misaligned collar. I’m sure it’s meant to be high fashion. I’m not a fan. [DRINK]
Rachel and Finn drive to the “theater” where they hear Sam is performing. When the announcer tells everyone to give their attention to center stage, heeeeeeeere’s Cobra! And a “fireman” comes out, Finn says, “I didn’t know Backdraft was a musical!” Rachel looks horrified, because she knows what’s up. (Oh, do you now, Miss Berry?) Next out to dangle his di…divine self is White Chocolate, who is of course, Sam Evans.
Rachel gives him a dollar, he’s mortified, and immediately the scene cuts to Sam talking to them backstage. He’s embarrassed by this, sure, but he makes decent money, and he wants to contribute to the family. But he’s throwing his youth away! [DRINK]
They go to his house, it’s midday (aww, he was stripping in the afternoon? That’s when the saddest strippers strip.) and Bo Duke is his pa! Sam talks to his parents who are totally cool with Sam coming up to Ohio for a week? Weekend? Month? No one checks his contract, but his mother cries when Sam tells her that he’s tired of being a grown up. He just misses being a teenager. [DRINK.] The family is cute, though, and they just want each other to be happy. Aww.
Artie, in the music room, wants to know who they can bring in to fill the quota. The band geeks look nervous. Quinn smiles her way through a threat that only Puck understands, that she’s going to make sure the Trouble Tones don’t win. They really should have let her grow a mustache to twirl. Will and Finn break their party up with a bottle of sparkling cider and a stack of red cups.
Kurt tells him to stop trying to cheer them up, also, that stuff tastes awful. Also, it won’t help. “Not if I can help it!” our hero calls out, and it’s none other than Sam Evans! Finn pops the cork (is there a cork on that junk? I’m pretty sure it’s a screw top.) And then Sam ruins everything by insisting on singing one of the worst songs ever, Toby Keith’s “Red Cup.”
His voice sounds nice, even if he’s forgotten how to not over-enunciate as he lips synchs. But the song. There is no excuse. The only good thing to come out of this stupid-ass song is Kurt looking as horrified as I felt and even turning to Blaine, who is, of course, singing along, and mouths, “What is wrong with you?” I hate this song. I hate that they did the hokey “chatter” in the song about the cup being his friend. Really? The cup is your friend. Really. Someone should slap Toby Keith across the mouth. These are the moments when I feel for the actors, who just have to go along with this crap.
Santana saunters in, spews off a list of insults to “Trouty Mouth” that she prepared just in case he came back, and he smiles at her, saying, “I missed you, too.” O…kay. Random.
Quinn walks down the hallway giving Shelby the stink-eye before sidling up to Sam. “Hey, I’m pretty and free, you’re free, let’s be free to be involved, what do you say?”
Sam: “No. But thanks. You have what I call Rich White Girl Problems. And you need to enjoy this time, because it’s your only senior year [DRINK – they’re all on Sam’s shoulders, these anvils] and he even spews out the title of the episode. Quinn is left standing there looking troubled. Or affected in some way? Maybe she’s just gassy, it’s hard to tell with what we’re given.
Tina reminds Mike to get on those applications to Alvin Alley and NYU, and maybe they can make some video auditions! Hold the tap shoes, Tina, because Mike has already sent out an application. To Stanford. (With those sling blade muh fuhs?) And as pre-med. Whaaaaaaat? Mike explains that this is tearing his family apart. He misses his dad, who won’t speak to him or Mike’s mom because he’s a big ol’ cry baby that isn’t getting his way, I guess.
Tina reminds us of the show title and that Mike only gets the one chance to fill out college applications to dance schools while a senior in high school [DRINK] and you know what? Maybe Mike’s dad is right, maybe he should be a doctor. Mike reels back, spewing yes, maybe he is right and we shouldn’t be dating! Don’t you DARE break up the Cohen-Chang-Changs, Glee. Not until they graduate.
Will tries to teach some dance moves to the guys, irritating the hell out of Blaine. He shows them how to slide and turn, because that’s better (I love your argyle socks and saddle shoes, Blaine, I can’t help it.) but Sam has a better idea: check out this sexy groin thrust thingy I can’t do very well!
Blaine’ll take a pass. Sam is insistent because sex sells. Blaine spits back, “I’m not for sale!” (Whaaaaaat? Drunk thoughts, stay tuned) and Sam shoves him hard, but Blaine isn’t a push-over and shoves back, requiring Will and Finn to break them up. Blaine storms off. Finn finds him in the gym, working a punching bag.
And yeah. It’s Sam’s face. And Finn’s. And Blaine may be gay, but he’s not a sissy, so stuff your stereotypes, Finnald. Also, he started up Dalton’s first Fight Club, but he obviously can’t talk about that. And what is all of this jackassery from Finn towards Blaine, anyway, huh?
Finn admits to being jealous of Blaine’s enormous… talent (look at the boy’s footwear, I’m just saying. It’s a big shoe.) And Finn felt threatened by Blaine’s enormous…talent. And now that Rachel’s gone, he’s the most talented and well-rounded person on the team. Finn pulls him away from the punching bag, asking, “Bros before throws?”
And because Blaine is one dapper mo-fo that was raised to be a Nice Boy, he asks Finn what’s needed of him. Well, Finn needs you to make sure New Directions wins, that’s what. “I want to be able to look across the stage at you, knowing we did everything we could. No regrets.” Just love.
Blaine gives daps and gets right to work.
Sam sneaks up next to Mercedes and grabs her hand, all cheeky with his cute self. Uh, no, no, because Miss Mercedes has a man, she thanks you? And he’s big? And he’s large? And she may have had a summer fling with Sam, but–
“We had more than that.” DID you, now? Oh, do tell, Miss Mercedes who is saving herself for marriage before God and his Angels who wouldn’t even talk about naughty things with her best friend, Mr. Kurt Hummel. I digress. She tells him she’s moved on, so he can cry her a river, she GONE.
Sam hollers out that nope, he’s not going anywhere, because he’s a lover and a fighter.
Tina visits Mike’s dad, bringing him a bootleg copy of West Side Story, what with him missing the performance and all. So….maybe he can take this chance to not be awful and support his son for five damn minutes?
Mike’s Dad: Nope.
But your son is doing everything for him, just to make him happy. Isn’t it his life? The one he has that’s the ONLY one he has? [DRINK]
Mike’s Dad has a little story for Tina, and it’s about how her parents are lying about wanting her to be an entertainer, because she’s going to be poor and it’s going to be hard and she’s probably not going to make it. Tina stands up, smiles, and tells him to stick it (but politely because she was raised to be a Nice Girl) because she’s going to live the life she wants. And for someone that’s all about honor, way to not let your son honor his talent. BOOM! Drops the mic, walks out of his office.
New Directions are in their white tuxes for Sectionals, helping the band geeks learn to stay to the left and sway rhythmically. Mike confronts Tina about confronting his dad, who confronted Mike and Mike almost didn’t get to come. He is so disappointed in her. Oh, yeah? Well, she’s so disappointed in him! I swear to a god I don’t believe in, Glee, do not break up the Cohen-Chang-Changs!
The Trouble Tones sashay in wearing some odd silver dresses (the hem makes them weird when they spin, also, that’s some cheap material.) and Santana tells them, trying to be sweet, that if new Directions loses, they’re welcome to come join them for Regionals. No matter what, they’re all winners! Except only one group gets the trophy. Finn thinks that’s totally rude.
“No, it’s rude to follow behind you playing a tuba every time you take a step.”
I miss you, Santana. Come back. Will thanks them, Quinn twirls her mustache (it’s called Nads, it’s easy and cheap, honey, look into it) and tells Shelby in a pointed manner that Puck is going to make sure the Gleeks win. He’s such a star. Right? Puck looks confused, Shelby looks confused, everyone looks confused. Quinn looks troubled? Affected? Maybe gassy, I think this time it’s gassy.
Rachel is out in the audience, looking devastated. The judges are introduced, two women that look like old school feminists (good call on ixnaying the ex-say, Blaine) and Tinkles, the local favorite clown. That may be the most horrifyingly hilarious clown name I’ve ever heard.
First up, the Unitards! Terrible name. Pretty soloist, and oh my god, it’s Harmony, the Gerber Baby mega-talent that had Kurt and Rachel in tears! She sings “Buenos Aires” from Evita, with Rachel and Kurt mouthing along, even though their faces are frozen in shock. Ha! And you know, she’s good, but the song felt flat, there wasn’t anything schnazzy about it or what she did with it to make it her own, I have to say. No flavor. Well executed, but meh.
While they’re singing, Quinn slips out to be evil, with Rachel hot on her heels. Rachel wants her to wait until after the Trouble Tones perform, so all of their friends’ hard work won’t go to waste, at least. Also, Rachel knows what it feels like to do something wrong, and it feels awful. Maybe Quinn should think about that. Quinn looks troubled? Maybe affected? Gassy? Affected, I’m putting my money on affected.
Shelby takes a phone call in an empty room, Beth is sick and the sitter wants her to come home. Quinn tells her she knows about her relationship with Puck, [damn, I lost that bet!] and she’s going to get Shelby fired. Also? Neener, neener. Shelby then tells Quinn how young and pretty she is, but she’s not going to stay young [DRINK] and it’s going to creep up on her, old age, and dating an 18 year old will just make you feel even older, so she doesn’t recommend it. “So…I’m gonna go.”
…is this the end of Idina Menzel’s arc? Really?
The Trouble Tones take the stage and take a [DRINK] for my girl Santana belting out the opener to “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor. Um, there are some weird dance moves happening. Santana passes the vocal baton back to Mercedes [DRINK] who does a nice job. Finn and Blaine notice what I do, and that it’s just so-so.
Finn: We got this.
Blaine: Yeah, we do. [brotherly fist bump]
And then mashup-fakeout! The songs morphs into “I’m A Survivor” by Destiny’s Child and it gets a lot more flavor, including some lady tangos. But they still have those weird arm movements, and it’s funny to see Sugar Motta try and keep up. Sam smiles in the wings at how great Mercedes sounds (aww) and then they all crash to the floor on the last note. Okay?
Edited To Add: Reg let me know that the girls were actually waacking, but the editing is so damn choppy, it just looks like flailing. Dear Camera Man: ignore the director and PULL BACK on big group numbers so we can see it. It’s okay, we like it. Dear Editors: chill the hell out and let us look at something longer than 3 seconds in a routine, please.
New Directions time, and Tina opens up – yes, you read that correctly, Tina got an opener and a solo, folks – with the Jackson Five’s “ABC.” It’s a tired song, but they all put as much energy in it as they can, and I notice all of the bad dancers are on the left. Smart, as the eye prefers to go right. Mike even sings! And Mike’s dad shows up! Tina and Mike see that, and stutter a tiny bit in their shock (nice touch) and then keep on working it. Sebastian and the Warblers are there to support Blaine (aww) and Kurt notices Sebastian all goo-goo eyed for his man.
How about a leap over Mike’s back from the top of the risers, Sebastian? Kurt lands and gives his best sass, “Sit down, girl.” And then rocks his hips with some stank on it. Sam does some grind moves, kinda, but he’s in the back for most of it, so that’s fine.
They sing their second song, Janet Jackson’s “Control” with Quinn vamping up for the spoken intro. Blaine takes over the lead, and I love that twist, also he sounds good. Artie fills in, and we all know that Kevin McHale should get all Jackson songs, because he has the R&B voice. I don’t think their voices are a winning match here – both good, just not the right timbre. Anyway, the guys rock out the dance moves, Blaine putting a little sex appeal on it, but classy like with the one button undone on his tux. Sam spazzes some more in the back row.
Third song, “Man In The Mirror,” and it’s totally a love it or leave it number. And somehow it just feels… meh. Right? It’s not just me, is it? I’ll say this: Finn starts and he sounds great. Cory Monteith has really worked on his vocals and has far more control and power than in the past. Good job, handsome. (Sue me, I have eyes and they work.) Artie takes over vocals, passing them on to Puck (his voice is just so thin in comparison to Artie, you know?) who passes it to Blaine, who passes it to Sam.
It’s nice that everyone is getting a chance to shine, it really is. It’s just not a number that can be passed around; it’s a solo number, period. Everyone is on their feet cheering, because they’re the heroes and I laugh again at the band geeks counting “Step, one, step two…” on the back left risers. And where was Rory? Are they just going to waste him in the background? I really want to hear more from him, his closing number in Pot O’Gold was just lovely.
The song ends, and Mike’s dad applauds. Because he’s been able to see, you guys, that no body puts Baby in the corner. All it took was him to see. And for the script to dictate it. Finn and Blaine fist bump as co-captains while the others lose their minds with excitement over that mediocre performance. Mostly. It had some bright spots.
Mike and Tina are excited that his dad came, and lo and behold, he’s there in the doorway. He wants to tell them how talented they are, and how he wants Mike to be who he wants to be: himself. “This is your path. We’ll support you.” Wow, that was easy?
Mike is tight-lipped with a forced grin, because great, dad, I’m glad you got on the bus, but I missed the application deadline. No you didn’t, buddy, because Tina forged your name and went behind your back and submitted your applications for you! Mike says, “I love you.” Guys, I love this show, I’ve been here from Day One, and I’ll be here as long as Lea and Naya and Chris and Darren are on the show, but this was some lazy writing. You can’t just wrap stuff up all at once with a neat bow, even though that’s been the pattern for every competition. Sigh, no one listens to me. [DRINKS.]
Tinkles takes the mic to announce the winners, taking a moment to say how glad he is to “be with kids who are just sick with talent!” Crickets. I would have laughed, not gonna lie.
Third place: the Unitards! Kurt leans over to tell Harmony how great he thought she sounded, and she gives him a shark’s grin. “Just think, I’m only a sophomore and I’m already this good! Next year’s gonna be a blood bath.” Raise your hand if you want her to take Rachel Berry’s spot in New Directions next year.
In Second Place….the Trouble Tones, meaning New Directions wins First Place! They celebrate, all super happy, Will even blows a kiss to Emma, but the girls all look devastated. And in case you didn’t get what was going to happen, we have a scene where it’s just them standing on the risers, looking sad, no one in the theater to watch them, as the lights go out on their dreams.
Rachel is back in school to wrap up the last of the story arcs by finding Quinn immediately. Quinn says she’s not going to tell on Shelby because it would be stupid. A little mini-Barbra taught her that. Aww. And what does Rachel think about Yale? As in for Quinn? She leaves the scene with a cliffhanger by saying, “there’s something I need help on….”
In the girl’s bathroom, Mercedes is still bitching about losing to New Directions, while Brittany shrugs. “Eh, it could have gone either way.” What is this smartness? Santana blames Trouty Mouth, but Quinn interrupts to tell them that she’s a lot wiser now and would like to drop some knowledge on them. Growing up is about losing things. Your virginity. Your scholarship. Your dreams. Your eye-sight, and your bowels. Hopefully in that order.
And she isn’t ready to grow up, because this Peter Panne wants to hold on to 17 as long as she ca-an, changes come around real soon, make us women and men. They could all come back to New Directions…. But they won’t have to give up their solos, because one song at each performance is going to be just the Trouble Tones. Rachel and Mr. Schue are already on board. Santana and Brittany hold hands [DRINK] and what has happened to my Gay Nation Rainbow up in this show? Kurt and Blaine didn’t sit near each other in class again, there were no awesome Britanna moments… Boo. But hey, the gang’s all back, and that’s what matters most.
Rachel sings “We Are Young” [DRINK] by Fun to the group as they artfully recline on the stage. And look! Blaine on stage right, Kurt on stage left. COME ON, BOYS. Finn joins in and he really sounds good! Mercedes joins in from the wings with Sugar, Santana and Brit backing her up. This song sounds awesome. THIS song they should have performed at Sectionals. They all become a family again, and are happy and can face the world, now that they’re together.
Drunken Thoughts: Guys? Guys. Hey, guys? You guys. What the hell. I am not a fan of this competitive singing bout. It felt super flat. We had all of these great emotional moments, okay, Kurt telling Sebastian off was awesome and Blaine telling Finn off was also great, and that’s about it. But still. Meh. I don’t like being meh about Glee!
And the whole “I’m not for sale!” line of Blaine’s? What was going on in the Skull and Bones underground at Dalton? Fanfic writers: jump on that ASAP. Honestly, I took it for Blaine thinking it’s cheap, and he’s not into throwing sexy things out there just for points. But I like to speculate because maybe you’ve noticed, I have a crush on Blaine Anderson. [I always did fall for the pretty gay boys.]
Also, the name Tinkles the clown makes me think he gets the kids to laugh so hard they wet their pants and start crying and clowns really are the worst. Like, the worst.
Next Week: Christmas episode! Sue calls Blaine “young Burt Reynolds!” The Gleeks get a holiday special on TV!