X Factor USA 1.22 – Top 5 Results

I do not hate this show. I do not hate this show. I do not hate this show. 

Did you notice how Steve is dressed tonight like Seacrest on Human Growth Hormone? Sorry Steve, you’re going to have to earn your place next to Ryan. (Hint: he so doesn’t earn it tonight)

We start tonight’s eliminations ignoring the contestants completely. That’s because Cinna from The Hunger Games shows up to sing, baby! Heh, okay, it’s only Lenny Kravitz, but still. Cinnnnaaaaaa.

After Cinna Lenny is done, it’s time to find out the first two contestants who are making it through to the semifinals without having to beg. First through would be Chris Rene (fun fact: “Chris Rene” is always the number one X Factor search term that brings people to Hey, Don’t Judge Me). Yay! The boy obviously has a rock hard fan base. Next through would be Josh Krajcik. Man do I suck at predicting puntees, because I really thought Josh would be in the bottom two this week.

Okay, that leaves Rachel, Marcus, and Melanie to sweat it out backstage while Mary J. Blige plugs her latest album. I’ve never seen people look as terrified and nauseated as these three as they wait. Soon enough, we find out that it’s Melanie Amaro who is the next person through to next week. Once again it’s Marcus in the bottom two, with Rachel joining him for the very first time. She swings between taking it like a man and having a nervous breakdown, but she dries her eyes and says she’s all right and ready to sing. That’s my girl!

Marcus’s Save Me song is “I’m going Down” by Ms Blige herself. And just like last night, when he gets rid of all the distractions and just sings, he’s pretty darn good. I only wish his arm would stop compulsively wagging to show he’s really feeling it, from the bottom of his very soul, please dear god don’t vote him off.

But you see, Rachel is feeling it, too. She sings “I’d Rather Go Blind” by Etta James, and I can’t even properly describe how good of a job she does. Even though she starts to cry part way through, her voice never breaks, and all that emotion comes busting out of the song. Goosebumps? I has them.

Now it’s in the judges’ hands. LA simply MUST blather on about what a hard decision he has, yet somehow he manages to stick with his contestant Marcus and send Rachel home. Imagine! Simon, bless him, doesn’t even bother to explain – he just votes off Marcus with a heart-felt “I’ll miss you”. Next comes Paula, who (unsurprisingly, seeing as how she stood up and cheered on Rachel throughout her song) sends Marcus home. That’s two to one for Marcus, and it’s entirely up to Nicole. God help  us all.

Nicole pretty much falls apart, dabbing at her eyes with a well-used tissue as she babbles incoherently while trying unsuccessfully to make an informed decision based on tonight’s performances. She finally refuses to make a choice because she’s no Sophie, gosh darn it. She air quotes as she votes to “send home” Rachel. That sends it to deadlock, and now it’s only America’s votes that matter.

And that’s how Rachel Crow gets eliminated. *strangled choking sound* For a long second, I think she’s going to be mature about this, more Astro than Drew. But no, she’s just in shock, and when it finally hits her she slumps to the ground and starts to wail her head off. She’s like an air raid siren. It’s spectacular. Simon and her mom rush the stage to comfort her, but she’s officially inconsolable as Steve awkwardly goes to her Clip of Hopes Turned to Shattered Dreams. The other judges come onto the stage, including a sobbing Nicole. Steve asks her if she has anything to say (like, I don’t know, “I’m sorry for being a cowardly idiot”), but the second she opens her mouth the crowd starts to boo her like this is an episode of Maury. I mean, they boo her. She turns her back on the cameras and scurries away. Rachel meanwhile calms down a little bit, right up until Paula hugs her, then she starts boo-hooing harder than ever. Ah, what wacky, wacky chaos. The rest of the contestants come out and stand there watching Rachel loudly unravel, and Marcus is all, I love you, sorry about that, haha I made it through AGAIN, suckers!

No, I'm okay. Really.

And that’s the end of the kiddies on X Factor USA. If Rachel wasn’t going to have her own show on Disney and become more famous than anybody else on this show, I might be mad right now. ::plugs my ears and says lalalalalalala until you stop trying to tell me anything::