Real Housewives of Beverly Hills 2.15 – Uninvited

Kim: before she goes ghetto.

This episode marks the next to the last time that I will have to endure Camille’s horribly delivered tagline, “Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend, DD is!” She says freedom, but she should have said DD. (DD tried to put it in her contract.)

So, I finally realized that this show is what 90210 thought it could be. Or what it should have been. They are so high school, it’s ridiculous. Paul and Adrienne are the couple that has been dating all four years, were the first to Do It, break up every few weeks, but are always together. Lisa is the awesome rich and popular girl (dating the older guy) that floats through most of the cliques and the teachers all like her (one maybe a little too much.) Kyle and Mauricio are the lieutenant of the drill team and the stoner soccer team captain couple. Kim is the sister to one of the popular girls that is really Christian but gets shit-faced on Saturdays – just in time to pray for forgiveness on Sunday, and her boyfriend Ken is the janitor.

So Paul is trying to figure out how to make his printer work by slapping a stack of papers at it when Adrienne comes in, breathless with gossip. So, you guys? Like, at the tea party? When Camille was all repeating what Taylor told all of us? (Taylor is the pretty new girl that hooks up with the wrong boy before she got an In with the It Crowd and can’t shake him.) So like, Russell is all “I’m going to sue you” to Camille? And she’s freaking out, you know? Because, like, who does that? Friends don’t sue friends.

Paul – in my mind he’s tossing a football into the air, catching it over and over, instead of slapping the printer with paper to make it work – tells her that’s insane, and he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. So this upcoming white party (aka Prom) is going to suck because everyone is going to be worried that Russell is going to sue them all. Russell sucks, you guys.

Lisa, meanwhile, is meeting with Bobby Trendy to listen to a chi-chi 20 piece band to make sure they’re just right for Pandora’s wedding. They knock out some salsa, Lisa starts dancing (she’s the only one in the popular group that can keep it together when she’s drunk at a party, naturally) and the band is hired! They’re requested to play some Motown, and a female singer does a shit-ton of runs because that’s Motown, kinda? And Lisa cries. (Me, too, Lisa.)

Kyle – in a horrible outfit, and she’s probably going to get demoted on the drill team for it, because ladies? DO NOT WEAR CAPRIS. Not unless you’re built like Brandi Glanville. They make you look stumpy. Friends don’t let friends wear capris – is getting her house set up for Prom, aka the White Party. She doesn’t have her lady sitter there and everything is stressful as a result. (It’s fine, she’s just a basket case because her parents? Were totally supposed to be out of town yesterday, and they didn’t leave until, like, an hour ago? And she just got a call that the keg was on its way? YOU GUYS. SERIOUSLY.

Side note, I love her bathroom – those robin’s egg-blue marble tiles? GORG. Anyhoo. She blabs to her stylist about Kim coming with her janitor boyfriend, which is totes gross, he’s like, way older than everyone and yeah, he can score weed for the gang, but at what cost? At what cost?!

Adrienne calls Kyle and is all, “Kyle? So like, Camille was totally threatened by Taylor’s skeevy man, and she doesn’t want to come to your party. And if she doesn’t come, I’m not going to come. And if I don’t come, Paul isn’t. And he’s bringing the whiskey that his older brother in college got for us, so you better fix this.”

Kyle is like, double you tea eff, Adrienne? I totally want you to come, that sucks! And Adrienne goes, I know! And everyone is like, super stressed out and the music is all dramatical.

Kim tries to tell her daughters to like her janitor boyfriend because he’s really cool and older and can totally get them a deal on sawdust for puke and window cleaner. It’s going to be the cleanest Christmas ever! And they are so over him, you guys. And then Kim touches her cross necklace – the one she got on the bus trip to Guatemala where they did all of those service things for poor people? And she tells her girls to give it to God, okay? Let Him take the wheel. They have a friend in Jesus.

And her daughter goes, duh, we live in California. I have, like five friends names Jesus.

It looks so amazing, and it’s so great that it wasn’t in the gym, you know? The flowers and lights and chandeliers up in the trees and the furniture everywhere is beautiful (really) and Kyle needed to stop getting the munchies with her stoner man, because that bodice is not fitting her. Brandi and her friend from the rival school show up (Brandi is the hot wild chick that someone cool in the group dated, and now she knows everyone and comes to things, but it’s awkward.) Camille and her friend for hire DD shows up (Camille is student body president and DD is the kid in Big Sisters she’s been assigned to.)

Lisa and her older boyfriend that’s totally out of school and drives a bitchin’ car get there and Kyle tells her all about the duh-rama that might be happening, and Lisa just wishes everyone else would grow up, because she’s so mature and ready to graduate, you guys. The Bickersons show up and Paul and Adrienne try to get everyone to agree with them that Taylor knew all about the nasty emails, because somehow that’s important. (No, it isn’t.)

Lisa tries texting Taylor, telling her to turn back and not come, because Lisa is good people, but Taylor isn’t answering her phone. (Very suspicious, Bravo TV. Very suspicious.) Adrienne, Lisa, and Kyle all move to a private spot to say everything we already know and bemoan how hard it is to be popular and have all of this responsibility on your shoulders, and it’s just hard.

Kim walks up to the front door showing Ken how High Class People enter a party (he totally said he’d go to church with her if he could get to third base) and Dana shows up. Dana. OH DANA. She is the girl that bought her way into the group and always has to assert herself by reminding them that she has money now, and there for is important. She hasn’t picked up on Ken being a janitor dressed up and tells him how Kim “needs love and she should get it” and that her spirit animal is an ermine and if she was a tree she’d be a willow, bendy, if you catch her drift.

Kim butts in and tries to get gangsta (because she once did a homeless outreach in LA and she’s seen the street, you guys. She knows how hard it is out there. She’s seen things.) when Dana wants her and Brandi to make up. Kim rolls her head and does the Running Man and slurs half of her words and Ken feeds her drinks and she keeps talking smack loud enough for Brandi – like, four feet away – can hear her.

And you know what? Brandi comes from the rough part of town, sure. But she has a heart of gold. She dresses hard because people expect her to be hard. Like her nipples are always hard. But deep down, she’s just looking for her own little slice of happiness, you know? And then here comes Kim trying to dance battle her. Brandi’s all, “I don’t want to pop lock with you. I want to make peace.”

And Kim does the freak and drops down to a spin, but she’s a white Christian girl and can’t manage it, also she’s probably drunk, so she just talks a bunch of shit as Ken wonders how many drinks equals home base versus face over the toilet puking.

Brandi tries to hold it together, realizing that Kim is just out of her mind, when Kim tells her that Kim is going to drop to her knees – Ken looks excited and we all prepare to puke – and apologize to God for letting Brandi get to her. Little tip, Kim: God doesn’t give a shit.

Brandi is classy and removes herself from this, but you know she goes home and cries, because come on, life, enough. Her dad walked out on them, her mom is working two jobs just so she can go to the good school, she’s a straight A student, and everyone thinks she’s a whore. Because of her nipples. It’s not fair, B, I agree.

Kim tries to make her daughter fight Brandi before a waiter comes by with a tray of champagne.

Taylor and Russell get in their stretch limo, totally excited for prom, oblivious to all of the impending doom. They’re all over each other, and damn, y’all are supposed to wait until after you get pictures taken, or everyone is going to know you did it in the limo on the way over! They were at another party (Vegas) and left it jut to come to this crummy Prom because Russell and his friends are way cooler than these high schoolers and stuff. In his mind.

Kyle is already crying, and they haven’t even finished tallying votes for Prom Queen yet. She’s upset that she’s going to have to kick Taylor out of her party because Camille got their first and the Bickersons are adamant that they go. Adrienne is trying to work up a big speech to make sure everything goes smoothly, but Paul – his ballcap turned around backwards, and he’s waiting for his turn at the beer bong (occupied by Mauricio) – tells them all to chill and just straight up tell them they can’t stay.

Paul is sure that Taylor knows, Taylor – in the limo with Russell – says she didn’t know anything that Russell said to Camille, and then Russell starts cooing and saying he’s a “good boy again” and I want to scratch his eyes out and puke in the holes because he grosses me out. (YES I KNOW HE IS DEAD.) ? spoiler alert.

They finally pull up, the music is like, way tense. Kyle is sobbing as she tells Taylor that cry cry can’t sob sue cry why did you wail weep my party, our senior year! CRY. Paul sticks his chest out and shows his letter-man jacket and says they shouldn’t stay. Russell is used to fighting chicks, not dudes, so he tries to backpedal and Paul isn’t having it. Mauricio is tripping balls on the lawn.

Taylor is stone faced (she might have just had botox, it’s hard to tell) and days she doesn’t know what this is about. Mauricio blinks a lot, stops chewing on a Jack-n-the-Box taco and tells them that he doesn’t want to be sued. Paul does a quick handstand on the beer keg while the ladies cry.

Inside, Dana and Kim are talking about their boobs and Kim makes Dana touch it and Ken the janitor just got a much more interesting night and I have forever lost my appetite.

Taylor gives the group a tight grin (she’s not really capable of giving any other – HEY-O!) and says that they’re just going to go. Back to their cooler party. (Vegas) That they left for this dumb high school thing, whatever.

And Kyle runs to the limo and climbs in and tries to apologize but she’s crying too hard, then the Bickersons turn up and tell Russell that he’s a dick, and he only goes to vo-tech school, and his glasses are gross, and they all know that he knocks her around, and it’s REALLY AWKWARD, GUYS.

Russell asks to just let them leave, everyone walks away from the limo, it pulls out, and Kyle runs back to her house sobbing. Mauricio is lying on the lawn counting the leaves in the tree and laughing, Paul moves off to arm wrestle anyone willing, and Adrienne checks to make sure she took her birth control pill because that was so hot and Paul is totally getting lucky. Lisa and Ken have been making out in the bushes the whole time.

BEST PROM EVER. Except it’s not over, the fall out is in a few weeks! (Good lord.)