WHO. WILL. WIN. Will it be the handsome less-than-stellar singer with the inspirational backstory? The teddy-bear single father with amazing pipes and something to prove? Or the girl with the golden voice who has never felt like she’s belonged anywhere?
Let’s find out. Hoo boy, at two hours this show is going to have more filler than a chicken McNugget from the ’70s.
Let’s start with the season’s last cheesy Group Sing. Aw, the rest of the Top 12 are back, and boy are they awful. There’s a reason they were voted off, but they’re very excited to be there, so. They sing GaGa’s Edge of Glory, and if she happens to be at home watching this, I can only imagine what she thinks of a televised live murder of her child.
We find out that Simon is going to the North Pole for Christmas to hang out with le penguins. Too bad for him that penguins are actually at the SOUTH pole. It’s going to be a lonely Christmas for Simon, apparently. Each of the top three get to sing a Christmas song on their very decked out stage full o’ Christmas-themed crap. Melanie (wearing new bangs and a rather unfortunate red mini dress) sings All I Want for Christmas is You, Chris sings Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, which turns more and more reggae as the song progresses, and Josh sings Please Come Home for Christmas, which is perfect. I think he may have even combed his hair for this. Woot!
After each song, they show each of the Top 3 a montage of their community, friends, and family wishing them good luck and sending their love. It’s truly wonderful and heartfelt, and this cranky recapper set aside her cynicism long enough to get a little sniffly at the contestants’ tearful reactions.
Now we have an interlude with Justin Bieber (who is looking more like George Michael every year, not that I’m judging) and Stevie Wonder, who has made a second career out of appearances on singing competitions. There’s a fantastic moment when The Bieb invites a newly-brunette Drew to sing the last line of the song with him. She’s fainting with the thrill of meeting him, and all those millions of tweens watching must be frothing with envy.
But enough with the happiness! It’s time to whittle this trio of finalists down to a duo. Yes, in keeping with my perfect score of wrong guesses, it’s Chris Rene that is packing his bags. He takes it like a man, knows how lucky he is to have made it this far, and with a little luck and hard work can definitely spin the chance into a career in the music/male model industry. Good luck, Chris – and here’s hoping you still find the strength to stay sober.
Now we come to my favourite kind of filler – the Top 5 Most Shocking Moments of Season 1 (including Astro’s temper tantrum and Rachel’s elimination), then Rachel, who now annoys me as much as she did at the beginning of the competition, introduces an unrecognizable Leona Lewis. Then it’s a rehash of Simon vs LA catfights. But we’re not done yet! You know what we can never have enough of? Male singers (inevitably backed up by a slew of trashy video hos) singing songs about how rich and slutty they are. That’s why we get to watch 50 Cent AND Pitbull perform. Yay? Oh, and a rehash of Paula and Nicole crying throughout the season. I forgot how much they cried! It was a regular sobfest.
Why are we here again? It’s been so long I can’t remember. Oh yes! Josh and Melanie. They sing a duet together (Heroes by David Bowie), and I’m going to go out on a limb and say Josh and Melanie showed how much they truly admire and respect each other. It was a damn fine performance, and a great way to end the season.
But we know this moment had to arrive. It’s time to find out who America voted to win The X Factor USA. And the winner is…….
The audience goes nuts and the judges cry and Melanie cries even harder and Josh is thrilled for her and grateful for the entire experience. And then it gets hilarious, because Steve, who knows his hosting job on this show next season is about as secure as a Middle East dictator right now, desperately wants a quote from Melanie about how she’s feeling. It’s not THAT much to ask, but Melanie won’t oblige. She sobs and covers her mouth with her hands, and her family shove Steve out of the way to converge on her for a group hug. Steve finally gives up and lets Simon talk about how proud he is and how great she’s going to do because she’s such a star, etc., etc., etc.
Now Melanie has to sing, and she keeps pausing during the song so she can break down into tears. She still sounds fantastic though, which says something about why she won this sucker. After the rest of the Top 12 come out to hug and congratulate her, Steve pushes his way in to force Melanie to say something. He’s going to get his quote if it kills him!! She finally speaks: “I don’t know what to say!” Ahahahaha! Steve is so fired.
And that’s the end of The X Factor USA for this year. I hope you had fun with me, and remember that if you’ve been a good boy or girl this year, you too may get Simon or Nicole in your stocking. Bad little boys and girls get LA, who comes to your house for Christmas dinner and insults your mom’s cooking.
Ho ho ho!