Last season on the Bachelorette, Ben got dumped. And even though the network says he walked away with his head held high, we all know he was crushed like the red pepper on my four-cheese pizza. We also know he was dumped because he was slightly boring and wouldn’t kiss Ashley with tongue…
Tonight’s show opens with montage of Ben doing manly things like driving a tractor, carrying a log (HE LOVES LOG!), forklifting (which is my new favorite verb), sailing, kayaking and staring pensively into middle earth. He is really good with his pensive stare. Benwise Gamgee good. Or maybe even George Clooney.
Ben makes sure that the audience knows he’s “never juggled 25 women before.” Oh honey, we all saw last season, you’ve never juggled one woman before. Was there even one kiss that involved tongue…? Oh, yeah. Ashley was really good at jamming her tongue in everyone’s mouth, but yours. So don’t worry, honey. You’re reputation is good with us.
We start to meet the ho-testants…first girl loves horses, second girl is a tomboy who loves to eat cow balls and Ben better like them, too(yes. cow balls), third girl is a model…yawn. Sorry. I don’t really need ho details. I just need to get to the crazy.
Mr. Overpaid greets Ben and we get a very in depth and serious interview. Ben tells him last season was very intense and humiliating. Then Mr. Overpaid totally earns his paycheck by asking, “Do you think your dad is with you during this journey?” Apparently Ben thinks so. I just threw up a little in my mouth. Dude, I can almost guarantee that if your dad’s spirit is with you, he’s currently having an apoplectic fit because you’re doing this show for a SECOND TIME. Smart, you are not.
It’s time for the Hos to meet Ben. They are guzzling bubbly in the limo and giggling like they’re the homely girl the quarterback decided to take to prom. Girls, this is not a Cinderella story.
First from the limo is Rachel, a 27 year old Fashion Sales Rep. She seems like the girl next door. Blond, pretty, and kinda dull. Her red dress was very pretty but it really did seem a little bit like a prom dress.
The next girl steps out of the car and she’s showing as much skin as she is sparkle. Not that she doesn’t have the body for it, but damn girl. You are not in a super hero movie. Or on a pole. This is Erika. She’s a 23 year old law student. She makes a terrible “the verdict is in, you’re guilty of being sexy.” I want to shoot her immediately.
Amber B is a 23 y.o. labor and delivery nurse. (I guess there’s more than one Amber this season? Of course there is.) Amber Bacon, her friends call her the Baconator and she asks him if he wants a taste. I’m really glad I don’t have a gun. Wow. Can’t they find someone with a little wit?
Elyse is a 27 y.o. personal trainer. So far, she’s the only girl who hasn’t said something extremely stupid. I give her bonus points for that. She’s probably too big of a bitch to lighten up, though. And truth be told, I sense a little crazy in her eye. Hmmm.
Jenna is a 27 y.o. blogger from NYC. Ben seems to like her a lot immediately. There is a little tension between them, and I can’t tell if it’s sexual tension or just AWKWARD. *crickets* She tries to tell him that she liked what he said last season, but she quoted him wrong: “Good things end badly.” he corrected her and said, “Good things don’t end unless they end badly.” *more crickets* Still I think he was kinda into her, or he was wondering why she didn’t bother to do her hair.
OMG THERE ARE 25 HO-TESTANTS. HOW AM I GONNA GET THROUGH THIS? Oh yeah…wine. BRB.
Courtney, 28, model from California. She’s very pretty and seems very relaxed approaching him. She admitted she developed a crush on him last season, that he looks good and he told her she looks beautiful. She walked off and he said, “That is a pretty girl.” I’m thinking she’ll be around for a while.
Emily is a 27 y.o. PhD student. She’s getting her PhD in Epidemiology, which is the transfer of disease and then she tells him she has something to give him. She makes him sanitize his hands, and then she spritzes both of their mouths with mouthwash and says she wants to give him the first kiss of the evening. She does, and he says “this is good” after she leaves. I give her points for trying to be original, but she loses points because it made me wanna puke.
Samantha is 26 and an account manager for an advertising firm. She was also Miss Pacific Palisades at one time (apparently she is the currently reigning Miss Pacific Palisades.) We know this because she is wearing her beauty queen sash that says so. She tells him she doesn’t have the answer to world peace but she’s more than a pageant girl just like she’s sure he’s more than just the bachelor. Then they high five. Yes. They high-fived. Then 1987 called and asked “Down low? Too slow.)
Casey S. is a 26 y.o. trading clerk. She’s got legs up to her chin and we know this because her little black dress shows us.
Amber T. (our 2nd Amber of the night) is a Critical Care Nurse (and Amber #1 is an L&D nurse. This is just weird) boring meeting. Nothing to report. Or so I thought! She walks back around and says, “One more thing, just in case you don’t believe in love at first sight, here’s your second chance.” He liked it. I didn’t gag, so she gets points.
3rd limo arrives. And all the girls are doing exactly the same as the 2 prior limos. Squealing. I’m so glad wine comes in a box.
Holly is a 34 y.o. Pharmaceutical Sales Rep (there’s one on every show!) and she steps out of the limo wearing a giant hat and says “It’s a clue as to where I’m from.” She’s from Kentucky and Ben guesses it. She says “Kentucky is known for two things, do you know what they are?” And he guesses Bourbon (as I would have) and she says keep going, then she cuts him off and says, “Beautiful women and fast horses.” I think she meant fast women and beautiful booze. Then they tried to kiss but the hat got in the way and her exit was marred by awkward.
Jamie is a 25 year old nurse (who apparently needs to be renamed Amber #3) She’s nervous, but very cute. Meeting was short and sweet and as she leaves he swoons and says, “I’m loving the brunettes.”
Shira is an ageless actress. I say that because they don’t tell us her age at all. I’m so hoping she’s only seventeen and Kip Winger will show up to dance in his tight pants and sing to us every time she comes on screen. She comes up and says, “So you’re a winemaker and I know everything about wine. EVERYTHING. Ask me anything.” Ben says, “Favorite variety on a hot day.” That awkward moment when even the crickets won’t chirp? yeah, that. “I was kidding. I know nothing about wine except that I like to drink it.” Somebody please check her ID.
Blakeley is a 34 y.o. VIP Cocktail waitress. (what does that mean, exactly?) I know that she’s wearing very long earrings with feathers on the end and they annoy me. I know that she just told Ben she’s the ONLY southerner there, it doesn’t matter where the others are from, and I also know that she seems to have a twinge of crazy in her smile. I hope I’m right. Maybe we’ll have a good ol’ fashioned country ass-whoopin’!
Sheryl is 72 and retired. She is helped out of the limo by the driver and hobbles up on crutches. Her blue hair is very nice, as I’m sure she’d just been to see Cookie at the beauty shop for her weekly wash and set. She admits that she fell madly in love with Ben last seasonand she wants him to meet her granddaughter, Brittney, who is 26. They are family people, just like he is. This worked on him, he loves grandmas.
Brittney and Granny walk in and the claws come out. “It smells like grandma.” “Is she trying to get sympathy points?”
We have 2 limos left…
Nicki is a 26 y.o. Dental Hygienist (there’s always one!) She was warm and friendly and her dress didn’t jump out of a drag queen’s closet, so i kinda like her. I hope she isn’t one of the first passengers on the crazy train.
Dianna is a 30 y.o. non-profit director. She gets to Ben and loses all her words, then giggles like a dumbass as she walks away. BTW, her dress is white satin. Sister, that is not very subtle. All she’s missing is veil and a bouquet. And possibly a little gay wedding coordinator wearing blush and bashful running around in the background making sure everything is perfect!
Jennifer is a 28 y.o. accountant and she wants to give him some numbers. 1,190 is the number of miles she travelled. Zero is the number of times she’s been arrested. 54 is the number of dresses she tried on before picking the one she’s wearing (might should have gone for 55.) 1 is the number of times she’s been in love and hopefully after tonight, she can make it 2. *barf*
Lyndsie J. is 29 and an internet entrepreneur. She’s also the daughter of a diplomat and is from London, England, and she has the accent to prove it. She likes to write goofy dorky poems and wrote one for Ben. I give her mega points for balls. And it was cute. She gets points. But from her looks, I don’t thinks she’s his type. Too tall and blonde and pointy.
Anna is a 25 year old student and she gives him porn eyes as she walks on by without saying a word. He yells “Bold move!” and then he turns to the camera and says, “That was awesome.” It wasn’t really that awesome.
Monica is 33 and a Dental Consultant-is this a job where she consults with you to let you know you have teeth? She starts off with a confession of missing her dog more than anything. I rolled my eyes and one got stuck. Hang on.
Jaclyn is a 27 y.o. advertising account manager (this makes 2 this season) Her intro was boring. “You look dapper.” “You look beautiful.” “See you inside.”
Shawn is a 28 y.o. financial advisor who possibly wanted to be a shiny mermaid when she was a little girl. This dress is Kermit Green and Satin. And strapless. And ill-fitting. And I’m the owner and lover of a big butt, but honey, you can’t wear a dress that gathers around the badonkadonk and fans out below. Wow. Just. Wow. Her ass had its own zip code in that dress.
Kacie B. is an Admin Assistant and 24 years old. He seems a little struck by her when she steps out of the limo. She’s a southerner (don’t tell Blakely!)
Oh, if I thought Granny brought out the claws, I was sadly mistaken. Apparently riding a horse in is a cardinal sin. “Screw you and the horse you rode in on.” Yes, yes, yes. We may get down and dirty tonight. I just love the crazy.
Okay, it’s cocktail party time. There will be a 1st Impression rose, and according to all the Ho-testants, it better not be given to the horse girl or the granny girl.
The first girl to get alone time with Ben is the first girl he met, Rachel. She admits she left her job to do the Bachelor…no pressure!
Nicki tells him she’s open to everything (nod, nod, wink, wink) and that she’s here for a reason and that reason is him. Oh. My.
While Ben is meeting with Granny and Brittney the Ho-testants are really going off about what a cheap shot it was bringing the old lady in. I think it was a pretty smooth move. I say good for you girl.
Shawn the mermaid brought a soccer ball to play.
Elyse made him do pushups as she looked on maniacally.
Dianna blind folded him and fed him candy (and I’m pretty sure she was humming the wedding march in her head.)
Emily (the extremely white, extremely blond PHd student) says she has a “gansta side” to her and then she busts a rhyme. It is so bad. SO FREAKING BAD. It’s an epidemiologist rap. Horrid. She does manage to get in a line about them being quarantined together, but still.
Jenna gets slightly pissy at Monica because she admits she doesn’t know Ben so she’s not very attracted to him yet. Monica proceeds to cuss Jenna out and cackle because she thinks Jenna was being mean. She was talking to Blakeley about it, and the next thing you know, she’s giving her private interview and talking about how much she loves Blakeley. “Her beauty; her eyes. There’s something to be said about a gorgeous, real woman.” This show just got interesting, folks. Pillow fight anyone?
Monica’s hammered and she’s snuggled up to Blakeley and she confesses: “As much as I care about love, I care about people I meet, and the experiences I have. You’re my experience, and if you’re the only thing I get out of this, I have lived, and I have lived great. I think there’s a lot of things to get out of this, not just love.” And then, according to the other ho-testants, they start making out. Now whether this happened or not, we’ll never know because the camera dudes totally let us down. I totally want to see it! Damn you ABC! Show us the girl-on-girl!
Jenna is still pissed. I’m pissed that she didn’t try to do her hair. She has 6 inch roots and a butt-cut. Jenna is also hammered. I love the producers for their loose booze policy.
Rachel decides to try to mediate the conflict between the two hos, and that doesn’t go well at all, because apparently she thinks mediate means up and leave. Jenna says “You act like you don’t like me.” and Monica laughs and says “I don’t know you.” Jenna repeats herself and Monica cackles and repeats herself. Then she says, “We’re both girls and here for the same reason.” and Jenna says, “Yeah. We’re both girls. Maybe we can share a tampon sometime.” *record scratch* WTF? Don’t get me wrong, it was funny, but it really made no sense.
Monica then goes inside and brags about how she will kick her ass and cut her fucking face off if she tries anything else. It’s official. The first 2 tickets on the crazy train have been purchased.
Jenna is obviously a teary drunk, as she’s still crying and trying to figure out why Monica hates her. WHY DOES SHE CARE IF MONICA HATES HER? Monica has eaten the entire crazy cake–stay away from the cray-cray. Jenna then talks to Ben, makes a fool out of herself, goes to the bathroom and cries about all the mean girls. Ah, high school.
Ben goes to get the first impression rose and searches out the girl he wants. IT’S THE HORSE GIRL, Lindzie. I was really hoping for the Granny Girl, but Horse Girl was my 2nd choice.
He swears he didn’t give it to her because of the horse, but we all know that’s not true. And back in the bathroom, Jenna’s still crying.
Mr. Overpaid clinks the glass and announces it’s time for the first rose ceremony.
The good news is, both Monica and Jenna got a rose, so there will be more drama next week. The bad news is; we lost 5 girls. Anna, the Porn Stare Don’t Speak girl, Dianna, the Wedding Dress Blindfold Candy girl, Amber B, The Baconator, Lyndsie, the British Dorky Poem Pointy-faced girl, and Amber T…who was nothing more than Amber #2 which is probably why she got cut.
Folks, this may be the best Bachelor ever…not because Ben suddenly isn’t boring, but because ABC did a great job picking out the crazy ho-testants. ALL ABOARD! The Crazy Train is leaving the station.