The Bachelor; Season Ben; Episode 2

OMGOMGOMGOMG! We’re totally going to Sonoma, California. You know? Where Ben is totally from? And there’s gonna be wine! Lots of WINE! And let’s just hope that also means lots of drama…

Kacie B. is the first date card and immediately we get some whining. Courtney B. says she’s annoying she’d like to see her not come back. Kitten’s got claws!

Tonight’s date is about showing Kacie what “Sonoma’s all about!” and then we get the “This is my home and where I’ll probably live for the rest of my life!” Ugh. Okay, not that there’s anything wrong with being a homebody, but is that really what you want to tell a girl on the first date? Of course, it is Sonoma, CA which is slightly different than Pondunk, InsertStateHere, USA…but still.

Kacie is all about Ben. I think we’ve hit a record breaking 0-6000 in 5.9 seconds. “Ben brings out things in me that I haven’t been in touch with in a long time.” And suddenly, I’m wanting to send her to my favorite Toy Store…

Which brings us to the empty streets of Sonoma where they “parade” with a baton, because Kacie was a twirler once upon a time. “If the date were to end right now, it would be the perfect date.” I guess Kacie brought her own favorite toy (ba dum bum).

Dinner time…”What do you think about Sonoma so far?” “It’s so neat.”

Um, neat? Okay. Pour that girl some wine, let’s get her to open up…

They’re conversation gets deeper, talk about the man Ben wants to be and how he learned from his father. Kacie is the hopeless romantic and will go and do whatever she needs to do to make life exciting. Ben gives Kacie the first rose of the show. “I came on the Bachelor because the show worked for me once and I want it to work again.” Um, Ben? I’m thinking we may have a different definition of “work.” Anyway, they do a little kissy-kissy and then go to a theater and watch home movies together. Cute.

Back at the Ho-stead, the girls get their group date card. Brittany, Blakely Rachel, Jennifer, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Nicki, Jaclyn. Let’s hear what Blakely (remember, Monica’s girlfriend from last week?) has to say: “The girls are excited about going on a group date with a bunch of girls. I don’t want to date the girls, I’m here to date Ben.” Except when you’re smooshing on the couch with Monica. Right?

Group date time: The Ho-testants will be auditioning for parts in a kids’play that some elementary students wrote called “Prince Pinot of Bachelorville.” The kids are also the casting directors.

Jennifer: Weasel

Shawn: Pig (I’m totally leaving that one alone)

Jaclyn: had to be chased

Nicki was asked to do a sexy dance, so she did the sprinkler. Um. Damn, girl, you didn’t have to climb on a pole but could do something more than the freaking sprinkler. Okay, I’m gonna admit it, I loved that she did the sprinkler. Wish she would have thrown in a mow the lawn and a kick the dog.

Blakely: was asked to jog in slow motion. She was wearing a corsetted jumper. It was Boob-tastic. Then she acts like an ape. Best. Moment. Ever. One of the kids even said, “you know, the girl with the…(places hands in front of her chest) yeah, she wasn’t my favorite.” AWESOME.

I'm totally judging you monkey!

Blah, blah, the rest doesn’t matter, just that the play smelled worse than Texas roadkill in August. They perform at the Community Theatre and the Ho-testants think they are really serious. Wait, I’m forgetting the pseudo-lesbo Monica, dressed as a dragon, blows off Ben’s clothing…and he seriously looked like he was in a diaper and a bib. WTF man.

Where’s the booze, because I think we all deserve a drink after that shit.

It’s cocktail party time, and the girls are already freaking hammered. Like wow. And Blakeley is doing everything she can to pee on Ben’s fencepost. She is staking her claim, and the other hoes are not happy. Meanwhile, Samantha is drinking herself into a heap in the bathroom because she’s so sick of “sexual Blakeley.” I guess Samantha has never seen the show before. She didn’t realize that she was going to have her own version of Vienna in this season of Bachelor. Oh honey, there’s always at least one…

Meanwhile, back at the Ho-stead the doorbell rings, Kacie reads the card, “Courtney, let’s spin the bottle, Ben.” And Courtney’s first reaction is “he wants to kiss me.” Then she stood up, took the card from Kacie’s hand and asked her, “How’d that taste coming out of your mouth.”

*record scratch*

Whoa. Bitchtastic.

Back to the group date, we are all in bikinis and play boob grab…I mean, chicken.While other girls are getting some attention in the pool, Blakeley is steadily plotting. He gets his one-on-one time with Jennifer and makes out. Then Blakeley decides it’s her turn, and she crawls on him in the pool and eats him alive…while poor little Jennifer watches.

It’s time for the date rose…and all the girls are hoping that it isn’t Blakeley so they are all relieved..Oooops, nope, he fell for it. Blakeley got the rose. Poor Jennifer. He kicked her poolside.

After Ben leaves, the kittens get together and start bitching about it. When she joins the group, the group leaves. Except for Monica who stuck around hoping to get another kiss.

One-on-one date with Courtney and they hit the redwood forest with a picnic basket and his dog named Scotch. Basically all we got out of this date was that Courtney is the full package. Or she gives him a full package.

Night falls and they take a romantic ride on a big orange tractor through the vineyard. Dinner under a tree. We hear the story about his college days, which I’m happy to say wasn’t full of stories about his dad. Not that I don’t understand his grieving, but we’ve already gone through this during season Ashley.

Ben asks Courtney why she’s still single and I yelled because she’s kinda bitchy dude. She says she has trust issues. I say she just has issues. But he’s pretty into her, so what do I know?

She gets a rose, they make out in a swing, she comes back to the ho-stead and gets shanked by Kacie B. Oh wait, I made that last part up.

Rose Ceremony Cocktail party time. Tension’s in the air! And just as soon as Ben gets Samantha alone, Blakeley interrupts. And this is after Samantha had her breakdown during their group date because Blakeley was being so aggressive.

And as Ben escorts Erika outside for the first alone time in Sonoma…Blakeley shows up again. Yeah. She isn’t here to make friends, but she sure does make my day every time she is on the screen.

It’s Jenna’s turn for Ben time. Will she hold it together tonight or will she lose it like she did last week?

She’s loses it. She “feels like a guy” because she doesn’t hang out with a lot of girls. And even though she thinks he’s totally worth waiting for, she’s not used to being around all these vaginas. Then she goes to her bedroom and cries under the cover. Still in her cocktail dress. Oy vey.

The girls are saying the only thing Blakeley is good for is motorboating. And Blakeley heard it, and goes off to the corner behind a suitcase and “cries.” I personally think she’s trying to gain Ben’s sympathy and attention. She is seriously the biggest attention whore since Vienna Sausage.

And Ben falls for it. He goes to find Blakeley, and there she is huddled behind the suitcase–pretending to cry in the corner. He’s all sweet to her, and when he walks away she smirks. And for some reason, Kanye’s voice rings through my head: “I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digga…”

Remember Jenna? The girl who crawled into bed in her cocktail dress? Well, guess who finds her. (I’m sure the producers had NOTHING to do with leading him into her room. Nothing. At. All.) He pulls her out of bed and walks her back to the party.

Finally, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Mr. Overpaid says stuff and the girls wait for their verdict.

Well, I’m not sad to say that we lost Jenna. She was sad enough for both of us. The funniest part of her whole interview is that she’s “shocked.” SWEETHEART, YOU LEFT A PARTY AND CRAWLED INTO BED IN YOUR COCKTAIL DRESS. You need to smoke a bowl and calm the fuck down. She thinks she deserves love, so my advice is that she needs to try another dating venue…one that doesn’t include 25 other women in the same house. And maybe she should get a stronger anti-anxiety prescription.

Oh and Shawn was sent packing, too. Not that we’re surprised, since she barely had any screen time at all. She probably should have worn her Kermit dress again.