Okay, so like, the last time we saw 90210 they were on their Senior Class Trip to Hawaii where Kim brought her skeevy boyfriend that is in like, auto shop or something gross (we only talk to her because she’s Kyle’s sister, you know?) And Brandi and Camille were saying “Les-be-friends” with hip grindage and Taylor was all, “I’m totally breaking up with my creepy guy. No, for realsies this time.”
And I realized something: Kyle and Lisa are Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield (Sorry, Kim is Enid, the ugly fringe friend) and Camille is Lila Fowler. Where’s her lime green Triumph? Sorry, off track. Back to Hawaii!
The Bickersons hike along the cliffs, Paul always on the lookout for snakes. Also, Adrienne is afraid of heights. (What up with them six-inch pumps, baby girl?) They realize it’s been years since they’ve held hands. Paul counts the years they’ve been married by the number of vibrators she’s gone through, I suppose?
Kim and Gollum’s less attractive cousin (And now I imagine Ken standing over Kim’s sleeping body having arguments with himself, wringing his hands and calling her “his precious.”) finally show up the next day. Way to be punctual, guys.
Mauricio takes a morning margarita from a maid – I would like that sentence to describe my life one day, so you know – while Kyle sits in a towel and nothing else when they hear Kim and Ken show up. And they’re staying right next door. GROSS. They’re going to hear the bumping of uglies, or something awful. Mauricio advises Kyle to get drunk to deal. Is there any reason why Mauricio is NOT the best of the house-husbands?
Lisa, who is flawless in a skin-tight lime green bandage dress with peek-a-boo pink straps, and let me remind everyone that she is fifty years old, finishes tossing her mane of hair while her Ken (The Original! Accept no substitutes! Kim’s Ken is the Hydrox to Lisa’s Ken’s Oreo. Don’t act like you’re not following everything I’m saying, because I know better.) stares on, missing Giggy. Lisa manages to look ethereal in a skin tight dress with visible pink bra straps. That, my friends, is style.
They gather for dinner where a guy dressed in Native Garb blows on a conch shell. A lovely canopied table is set up near the beach and it’s so very pretty. Lisa admits that she really likes Brandi, and I sigh in relief. Brandi is awesome, guys. Rough – yes. But she means well. Also, she’s dirty, and I love pretty women with filthy mouths. Kyle once again is in a dress that probably looked fine on the hanger but does her no favors. Kyle: you are beautiful. You have big boobs and hips; stop wearing things that have no waist.
Everyone’s there. (Kim and Hydrox aren’t, but eh.) Oh, wait, they finally stagger in and Kim says they missed the flight because of her lost passport and driver’s license. Wait, no, they changed the excuse midflight! What was it…oh, right. Hydrox had to work. On a day they’ve had scheduled to travel for months now. Mm hmm. Mauricio calls them on their shit, but in the most stoner of ways because Mauricio just loves things to be organic and chill and hey dudes, it’s his birthday, okay? Cool.
Kim freaks and is really jumpy and what the hell, Kim? Kyle throws out a conversation nugget, “What about Taylor leaving Russell, you guys? Let’s talk about her!” And they do. And no one wants to commit to agreeing with their friend, because maybe she’s lying. Or he is. Or who knows. Way to have your friend’s back, girls.
Paul and Adrienne are dared to kiss because they are never seen being anything but as a bickering shrill-fest. So Adrienne proceeds to French him, and seeing Tom Cruise’s tongue in Top Gun is one thing, I don’t need to see Adrienne and Paul recreate that. Kim and Hydrox decide they have something to prove and are lovey dovey and Kyle discretely turns her head and pukes on the sand. Me too, Kyle. Mauricio throws out stoner philosophy about truthiness and how we’re all connected, man, and everyone is uncomfortable and leaves. Fun party!
The next day is a Field Trip and everyone is there and excited. Except for Kim and Lesser Gollum. Everyone’s ready to get on the chartered bus to the chartered boat to the chartered magical dreamland that only the rich can enter when Kyle decides that Kim has to be there. She knocks and calls and climbs onto Kim’s balcony (no, really!) and Kim drags her hungover ass to the door. “Huh?”
Kim tells the camera that she’s a marlin fisher (oh my god, I laughed so hard at the CRAZY) so she knows that the bus can wait. WOW. Kyle stomps back to the bus and they leave Kim behind. Finally. Kim and Lesser Gollum hang out on their balcony and eat shrimp and look at Lesser’s bloody eye. Funtimes! Good thing you took an eight-hour plane ride to do that fun, unique activity!
Lisa and Brandi have a naughty-off on the fishing boat, and I want them to be best friends. The gang goes snorkeling (well, most of the girls don’t because they have $400 blow outs) and it’s a fun time.
Taylor goes to Dana’s house to talk about how she’s left Russell. Dana is beside herself with excitement that she gets to be the one to talk to her. Taylor bursts into tears describing the fear of divorce, how hellish it’s been, and I feel for her, I do. Dana strokes her slowly, murmuring sweet nothings into her hair.
“You are going to blossom. You will achieve your inner you-ness. We are sisters. You’re sitting on custom Prada cushions that cost thousands of dollars. Please love me.”
The boat crew heads to the Four Seasons on Koele and damn, son! It is nice over there. The girls slither into evening wear, the guys are in crisp Oxford shirts and jeans and Adrienne is wearing a Red Carpet gown. She loves her silk and bling, Adrienne does. The Bickersons try to talk with Kim and be supportive (there are cocktails, Kim is there on time) and you get the impression that Frodo doesn’t believe in Gollum anymore.
She just can’t seem to shake Gross Ken. He wanders over and tells Kim that he doesn’t like that Kim was talking without him. Uh oh. There’s another beautiful dinner set up with beautiful looking food, good wine and good friends. Everyone looks away from Gross Ken. The man of the hour, Mauricio, is toasted for being awesome. (Did Mauricio pay for everyone to get there and stay? Because that is NICE!)
Kyle and Mauricio decide that they really need Kim to be honest about why she was late, because it’s bothering them. Truthiness, bro, truthiness. Gross Freeloading Ken says, “We don’t care. I’m tired of the whole thing.” And he and Kim decide to leave. Fine, no one wanted you anyway! Except for Kyle. Who needs to let it go. Lisa says as much. “You’ll never get what you want from her. Let it go, darling.” Hear, hear!
Brandi chimes in with the fact that they’re all sane, rational adults and don’t think ill of Kyle. She tells the camera later that clearly there is substance abuse happening. Which is true, I’m sure. (Kim is in/was recently in rehab, right? GOOD. I hope it sticks, Kim.)
Next Week! Kim tries to throw Gross Ken into Mordor, Brandi walks Rodeo drive in nothing but pasties, Lisa is awesome, and Mauricio takes his shirt off. HOORAY!