Kyle and her daughter are getting gussied up for Lisa’s Grand Opening. Well, her restaurant SUR’s grand opening. There is no vivisection in this episode. (Although I’d like to volunteer Gollum-Ken.)
Can I point out again how fabulous Kyle’s bathroom is? I love the blue-green marble tile and her shower looks like dreams are born there. Mauricio uses it, so yes. Dreams are born there. They blah blah about Taylor’s divorce, about Kim being weird all the damn time, and how Kyle doesn’t want to fight. She just wants Kim to admit she’s right, that’s all.
Lisa is at SUR racing around as she tries to get everything cleaned and lovely for the grand opening. Which is in two hours. There are still ladders and garbage everywhere. (Well, soda cups and duct tape rolls, but to Lisa it’s garbage.) Let’s also take a moment to honor Lisa’s tremendous padonk, because Ken (Original Oreo Ken, not Gollum Hydrox Ken) is a lucky man. He tries to cop a feel and she slaps him away, embarrassed. Ha. She’ll give him his yearly cuddle later that night, not in front of the workers.
Kim is in a hotel room with Gollum. They didn’t want to make the long drive from Beverly back to Englewood (or where ever Kim has landed) after getting shit-faced. She doesn’t use the term shit-faced, but we’re no dummies. By the way, the hotel room looks like Chico’s exploded in there. May I remind you that they are staying for one night. There are multiple suitcases of things, loads of shoes, bags of jewelry, tons of tops and dresses and what the hell, lady?
She has her makeup artist there slapping on some war paint and she decides this is a great time to pull out her “Hmm, is this lip gloss in a light-up case?” and show him that ha, ha! It’s a vibrator! But she doesn’t say the word, she just waggles her eyebrows and acts like she didn’t know what it was. Also: it’s small. [What? It is!] Also number two: gross, Kim.
The stylist says, “It’s for the lips, but not the top kind.” Ahaha. Also, bleh. I don’t want to think of Kim Richards – Escape from Witch Mountain – with a vibrator. Screw you, Bravo TV.
Kim puts on her “I’m pretty and sweet” face and asks Ken to charge her phone. And get her a Sprite. And stop getting her goddammed Frappucinos in the can when she wants you to walk to Starbucks and buy it fresh. He hands her a Sprite and she bitches that she likes it with ice. “This is what he does!” she gripes to her stylist. (I bet he’s thinking he doesn’t need the money that badly right about now.) Kim wants Ken to get her jewelry, pick pick pick. Don’t make me sympathetic towards Gollum Hydrox Troll, Kim. Don’t you do it.
At SUR, everything is now fabulous (except for the weird lace at Lisa’s neck and sleeves – what on earth is she wearing? Normally she’s flawless!) A line of limos appear around the corner and Pandy hands Lisa champagne in the biggest wine glass I’ve seen next to Big Carl. (Cougar Town: watch it. Trust me.) Mohammed and his golddigger show up with kisses all around. Brandi and friends also arrive with giggles and flirting and she bounces for Ken, making Lisa both pleased that she won’t have to and bothered that Ken is looking at her. Ha.
The Bickersons arrive with Adrienne overdressed as per usual. Everyone is in upscale cocktail wear, and Adrienne is in another gold lamé goddess gown with a smattering of bling on the top. And Adrienne’s chef, Bernie (the one who hates Lisa?) shows up. What the eff? Who invited the help? Lisa can’t remember who he is as he simpers and compliments and bounces with excitement for getting to be Upstairs for once. After a moment, Lisa realizes who it is and is horrified she air-kissed a servant’s cheeks.
Brandi loud-talks as a waitress walks past. “Oh hey, that is the whore that fucked my husband while I was pregnant and went on TV crying about how he left her for LeAnne, as well.” It was too hard to cough that, so she just says it really loudly and really fast. Awk-ward. The girl goes straight to Lisa. “Um, there’s a problem.”
Lisa decides that the waitress needs to go as she is the help and Brandi is a guest. Even though said whore (not my word) has been with Lisa for two years. It looked like the waitress was ready to go, though, so no harm, no foul. Brandi is touched by the gesture and Lisa wants to just start drinking. Oy.
Camille swans in to the party wearing a fabulous one-shoulder red gown. Camille, for all of the plastic she is, knows how to dress beautifully, I’ll give her that. She also has brought friends, and they must be actual friends that were available: there’s not one friend for hire. (DD tears her hear and cuts “Camille” into her breasts in frustration somewhere in the Valley.) Kyle and Mauricio also show up looking gorgeous – Kyle is wearing something flattering, for once.
As Kyle worries about Kim showing up, Kim is still digging through her Coldwater Creek togs strewn about, looking for the right thing to wear. Gollum says she shouldn’t wear one pair of shoes, as they’re “ratty looking.” Goddammit, he’s right. He then tells her to wear her “YSLs” and I am officially in Bizarro land. He’s super controlling, this guy, and she’s a mess. He wants her to hurry and pick her jewelry so he can lock the rest in the safe.
Kim, at this point, is a hot mess. She’s on her hands and knees in the bathroom, mumbling and digging through purses and bags, looking for…what? Then we hear her say she’s looking for “her medicine.” And Ken says something about putting “it” in the towel and taking it out, so what the hell, guys? Just carry the Patron and pills out – we all know. It’s just sad.
At SUR, Kyle talks to Mohammed and golddigger; RuPaul tells Paul his tired old line, “You’re born naked; the rest is drag.” Honey, I love you, I do. Get a new line.
OH AND THEN CEDRIC COMES IN.
Cedric, the beautiful rentboy who Lisa and Ken supported and treated like a family member. Who then spit in their faces and called Pandy and CHAV-son Max horrible things. He dares to show up. Cedric, how do you sit with balls that big? (Special chairs, I imagine.) He’s all smiles in his horrible jeans (they’re ripped in geometric patterns) and kiss-kiss to everyone. Pandy grabs her mom, who says with all dignity, “Why are you here? I have no idea why you’re here. It’s my party and I want you to leave.”
He tries to ignore that and says things like how he just wants to support Lisa and blah blah (Why is he so pretty? Damn him.), but Lisa sticks to her guns, demanding he leaves, that their relationship is over. He’s not welcome. He’s making an ass of himself and refusing to go, insisting that the girls all give him kisses. “Are you afraid of Lisa?”
Lisa wants to know who invited him. Brandi, stricken, says, “It wasn’t me!” Brandi, no one thought that until you said it! Cedric insists he’s only there with the best of intentions, but dude. You’re making an ass of yourself. Ken gets there and orders him to leave. “You gotta go, mate. You’re spoiling the night.” Love the Vanderpump-Todds.
Cedric is so smarmy and dickish and hot and pretty in stupid-ass jeans with his George Michaels in his hey-day looks. Asshole. Lisa and Ken assure Brandi that they know it wasn’t her. Lisa starts to drink in earnest.
Taylor is still at her home, and looking fabulous, I have to say. She looks soft – not so harshly dressed and styled. Her psychiatrist will be her date (wow) because he can help her talk to her friends later. Okay, then. They have a therapy session and a drink. She has on a piece of jewelry that jingle-jangles and it makes me crazy.
Kim and Gollum are finally in their limo, and Kim’s had a little something, because she is playing with the buttons and having fun like she’s the Prom Queen in 16 Candles. “Now we’re both on the pill!” She finds some garbage and picks at it, decides her bra needs to come off because “it’s dirty,” and then plays with more buttons. Whee!
Kim tells the camera in a voice over, “Well, I’m a Virgo. Um, my anxiety…uh.” The camera cuts back to her in the limo with a glass of champagne. Uh huh.
Taylor and her doctor have another therapy session in the limo and it’s awkward for me, because that shit is personal. Not for the cameras. Gah. He says he’s there to help her talk to her true friends. (Dana falls onto the windshield, banging at the glass. “I’m your friend! I am your bond-life-mate! LOVE ME!”)
Kim slithers out of her limo “whoops!” onto the sidewalk and she and Ken shamble in. Oh, but not before she can show the people at the front door her “is it a lip stick or is it a vibrator?” joke. Fun times with Kim Richards. Kyle downs her mojito and comes over for a hello while Mauricio bro-fives Ken to get him out of the way. Kyle goes to find Lisa for a cuddle.
Adrienne chats Kim up, her eyes wide like when she talks to children. Or Paul. Kim drunkenly whispers that she’s leaving Ken and makes significant faces. Adrienne tries to figure out what the hell she’s saying as they sneak off to the bathroom, where all important lady chats happen. Kim says that Ken is volatile and mean and controlling. UH OH.
Adrienne skirts out of there, collaring Kyle, and says for her to get her ass in there and talk to her sister, because this is weird. Ken decides that’s a good time to hover, so Adrienne asks him about his pock marks while the sisters slip off. Kim confesses that she’s miserable. Kim is weird with how she talks and Kyle looks confused. They cry, Kim is just lonely, Kyle wants Kim to be happy but by Kyle’s rules, and Kim is moving out. Basically it’s ten minutes of sister-bicker while they cry.
Then Kim grabs a rose and plays with it and grown up Kim is no longer at home. WOW, she got even weirder. “Loo loo loo, I got me a flower, loo loo loo, you want one, too?” Kyle slaps it out of her hand, asking, “What’s wrong with you?”
Kim waggles her French-manicured fingers, three of them.
Huh? Kim now believes she’s three months pregnant, maybe. She’s that late. GOOD GOD. Kyle says what we’re all thinking, “No offense, but don’t you think it might be menopause?” No, Kim is pregnant with Zothar’s baby and he will bring peace to the upper dimensions, okay? This is when Ken sits down, effectively stopping all conversation. Mauricio, because he’s awesome, also comes over to help. Kim and Kyle and Mauricio all share lip gloss (actual lip gloss) and Ken pouts that he wants Kim to kiss him so he can be a pretty princess with lip gloss, too, wah.
Taylor and her doctor show up, and hey – is that a black eye, Taylor? (Russell gave her a black eye and broke her jaw. It had to be wired shut. POOR THING.) The doctor gets a group session with everyone (minus Kim) and Taylor tells them that she’s sorry that she’s let her life and friendships fall apart, but asks for their compassion. “Of course!” they all say.
Wait, not Adrienne, because she’s being a bitch here. She demands an apology for Camille because of Russell’s earlier threats. Well… no, Ad. That’s not Taylor’s responsibility. Also, Taylor did apologize, weren’t you listening?
Meanwhile, Zothar’s Lover is hiding in the bathroom and Ken keeps banging on the door to get Kim out. She keeps shrieking for him to leave her alone. He won’t. Someone needs the bathroom, but she won’t leave. “Sorry, I’m going to be in here a while.” Gross. Their relationship is just awful.
Taylor continues to apologize to everyone. Lisa and Kyle hold her hands and are lovely about things, Adrienne makes sure she can’t be sued by the conversation, and Camille does Kegels. (Her mouth is pressed so tight, I can only draw that conclusion.) Taylor tells them, “I wasn’t in a place to believe I was valuable enough to have anything different.”
Taylor? Bless your heart. Adrienne tells her that she admires Taylor’s strength. Whatever, Mrs. Bickerson. They all put their hands in and shout, “Goooooooo Rich Women!” It’s very moving.
Ken finally starts to move away from the bathroom door, which is when Kim comes out really peppy. Hmm.
Next week: Pandy’s wedding!