Real Housewives of Beverly Hills 2.19 – Real Wedding of Beverly Hills

First Rule of Weddings: never wear a tiara larger than the Bride's.

It’s here, it’s here! Bobby Trendy’s, I mean, Pandora Vanderpump’s wedding! And if that isn’t a bodice ripper of a name, I don’t know what is. (Oh, and Russell killed himself by this point, BUT WEDDINGS, YAY!) * tugs collar*

It’s the day before The Big Day and Lisa is flying about the grounds as everything is being set up. And Kevin (aka Bobby Trendy) is out of the country. Oh, he’ll be back an hour before the ceremony to say “Chi-chi-chi” and wear his Bruce Lee sunglasses, don’t worry. 

Meanwhile, Paul needs a colonoscopy and has asked his incredibly loving, affectionate, and adoring wife Adrienne to be there with him. She flips through the pages of a magazine eying the clock. Paul is drugged, I should mention. That’s why he has a skewed view of who Adrienne actually is. Paul asks her to help him with a Fleet enema. She’s grossed out and runs away. For better or worse, Adrienne!! You swore!

Paul falls asleep, the doctor performs the procedure, and everything turns out to be fine. (The doctor took an X-ray to prove to Adrienne that his head wasn’t up there.) Paul starts to come to, is very groggy, and “air” begins to escape causing him to freak out. But he’s totally stoned, so it’s hilarious.

*frrt* “Oh no!”

*frrt* “It’s air, oh no!”

*frrrrrrt* “It’s not gas, oh no, Adrienne, oh no!”

*frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt. *

Later, Paul rolls his eyes. Eh, it happens. So frickin’ hilarious.

At Lisa’s, we’re hours away from the ceremony and the flowers are being done. They are gorgeous. Everything is really lovely, I have to say. Bobby Trendy talked her into a lovely and lavish wedding. They bring in the cake by layers, and it cost a cool $9,500. Just for the cake. For this small, simple wedding.

Mauricio and Kyle get ready, when Kyle learns that Mauricio doesn’t actually have a tuxedo. He has a navy blue suit, isn’t that fine? And how does a man in Beverly Hills not have his own tuxedo? I thought that was in the city’s by-laws. They solve this extremely stressful crisis, by dressing him in a black suit. Whew! They head out, and will pick up Adrienne and frrrrt!Paul so Adrienne doesn’t have to cross the street in heels. (So she’ll sit all party long?)

Camille – who evidently has dropped DD, friend for hire – riffles through her enormous wardrobe to find just the right gown. She goes for a black dress. It’s stunning, but black? Call me old-fashioned, but you wear black to a wedding and you’re sending a message. It’s possible that I’ve watched The Godfather too many times.

Camille, Kyle, and others are gathered at Adrienne’s house where Paul has evidently been rubbing a balloon on his head. His hair is…interesting. They all pile into the limo and drive across the street. Across the street. Adrienne walks into the garden and says, “Oh the backyard is so beautiful!” Like there’s a goddamned bouncy house and swing-set back there. Backyard? I believe you mean “the grounds.” Or “the garden.” They’re British, not Canadian.

Kevin/Bobby Trendy shows up (finally) and swans about the place as if he himself erected the giant pavilions and hung each bit of crystal. It really is beautiful, though, and the place settings are gorgeous. He tells Lisa it’s “fab-o-lus” and that it’s his job to worry, she just needs to be beautiful.

Speaking of, the bridesmaids are all in pink and stand in the dressing room wondering how the makeup will appear on their faces. After all there’s only one makeup artist. I cannot take another stressful crisis, guys! Oh, wait, there’s another one coming. And what’s this? They’re twins? WRONG. They are triplets and they’re all makeup artists, what a terrific prank, I dare say! Ha ha, pip. Just show us the wedding, Bravo. I dug my old dress out and am sitting on my bed with a bottle of hootch because I was promised a wedding.

CHAV-son Max arrives and has a squirrel stapled to his head. Wait, no, that’s just a weedy-looking mohawk. Off it must go, Lisa declares. She says it looks like a dead ferret. (That doth cease to be! It’s singing with the choir invisible!) Giggy – the real son – is put in his tuxedo, and Ken remembers that he’s supposed to write a speech. Whoops, better get on that.

Lisa puts on a glorious pale pink and cream wrapped-bodice gown and a tiara. Of course. She insists Pandora picked it out for her. And Pandora’s is much larger, anyway. The happy parents stand in the foyer with Giggy in his tux and the ugly step-sister Pomeranians naked like the sluts they are. (Their names are Pikachu and Lollipop. Someone needs to help this family with names.)

Pandy glides down the stairs in lace and froth, looking every bit the beautiful bride. Lisa chokes up and says to her, “If Jason loves you half as much as I do, you’re a lucky girl.” BEST MOTHER SPEECH EVER. Lisa? I want to be you when I grow up. And not in the “it puts the lotion on its skin” way. Well, a little. But not today, today is all about your beautiful family.

They show snapshots of the wedding, how happy everyone is, and when Ken is asked, “Who gives this bride away?” He responds, “I’m not giving her way, I’m sharing her.” How amazing are these two with their kids? Well, with Giggy and Pandora? CHAV-Max is never seen. (Probably working out his ASBOS. Hey-o, obscure British jokes!)

They both “do,” huzzah, and now it’s time to party! I spy Latoya Jackson there, which is weird, right? Any sighting of a Jackson is always weird, isn’t it? The shots are all in slow motion, people dancing, people throwing their arms wide to hug, people throwing up free booze in the shrubbery, it’s all so beautiful.

Lisa thanks the crowd for coming and tells Pandora that it’s been “an honor to be your mother.” No, I am not crying, a thunderstorm broke out just over my face, thank you. Ken got his speech together and says, “You look divine together. You have been, always will be, my darling daughter. You will always be my little girl.” And then he asked for a dance. It is just all so utterly adorable and romantic. Like, two pints of Ben & Jerry’s romantic.


Three Weeks Later,

Russell’s bit the dust. Pushed up the daisies. Having The Big Sleep. He’s cashed in his chips, kicked the bucket, and the farm? Russell owns it. (Hey. The guy beat on his wife and then took the pussy way out of debt, saddling said wife with it, and you want me to be nice about it? Nope.)

Kyle is having a party that’s really a secret celebration of the nightmare being over. They tell Taylor it’s all about having fun! Let’s get together! Ahem.  Hey, let’s let your five-year-old Kennedy play with my girls?  Who wants wine?  [They all raise their hand.]

Everyone is there. (Except Kim.) There are big hugs for Taylor, Camille is teased about her new Greek lover, and Adrienne has brought her shoes for everyone to look at. As one does at a party. (This isn’t Pampered Chef, Adrienne.)  Kyle tells everyone that even though it hurts, she’s giving Kim space. Lisa drags out the wedding photos and they’re just gorgeous.

Way to skirt the ugly, Bravo, and I mean that.


Wrap up!

Taylor is trying to keep afloat after the “tragedy” and is facing financial and legal issues. Thanks, Russell! She’s publishing her memoirs (out right now) to pay the bills.

Camille and her Greek lover are going hot and heavy. We have no idea when her next surgery will be. (My guess is an elbow lift.)

Lisa and Ken “downsized” to a 10,000-square-foot cottage and happened to add on 2,000 more. For elbow room.

Adrienne is celebrating her shoe line’s success and is trying to get used to having a new neighbor across the street.

Kim is not pregnant. (Zothar was quite disappointed.) Oh, and more importantly she has checked herself into drug and alcohol rehab, and I truly wish her well with that.

Kyle has written an advice book for women. If there’s a chapter in there on how to clone Mauricio, I’m all over that. She does have a chapter on Sisterly Love. Har.