The Bachelor; Season Ben; Episode 5

Ben is very happy about dating 11 beautiful women in Puerto Rico this week. EminEmily is already talking about Courtney. Courtney says EminEmily better watch her back.

Ah yes, the foreshadowing here is so subtle it’s like getting hit in the head with a skillet of hate.

Mr. Overpaid gives the ho-testants his stellar “use your time wisely” advice. Nicki gets the first one-on-one date. Courtney is upset because she wanted the date card. She says in her private interview that Emily is still on her shit list and the “bitch better watch herself.” Courtney is bringing her A-game to the Crazy Stadium tonight.

This is Nicki’s first date with Ben, all by herself. She’s been the group girl so far, so she can’t wait to “get him alone.” She’s tired of sharing; she don’t want no sloppy seconds.

Ben says he thinks they have feelings for each other and he can’t wait to spend some time with her, since he really hasn’t had that chance. Anyone else think it’s weird that he has feelings for someone he hasn’t spent any time with? Just me?

Rain pours down on their date, they get completely soaked, and decide to go into a small shop and buy some authentic “local” clothing. Then they happen upon a fantasy wedding where they talk about Nicki’s first marriage and how she thinks it’s important for couples to live together prior to marriage because that’s when you learn a lot about each other. Ben just wants to propose one more time in his life and he is hopeful he’ll find a good girl on the show to marry. Because you know all good marriages that start from the Bachelor work out. Good plan, Benji.

Dinner time, they drink wine, talk about her first marriage some more blah, blah, blah…Yay, Nicki gets a rose.

Meanwhile, back in the Den of Vipers…

The ho-testants are all discussing who ‘deserves’ a one-on-one date the most. Blakeley and Elyse are arguing their cases because they’ve both only been on group dates, but Elyse thinks she deserves it the most because she’s only been on one group date compared to Blakeley’s three. There you go, ladies and gentlemen… It’s Bachelor Math.

Group Date card arrives: “Diamonds are a girls best friend.” Lindzi, Courtney, Jennifer, Kacie B, Emily, Rachel, Casey S. Jamie, Blakeley.

Which means Elyse is the most deserving next one-on-one ho-testant.

But first, we have to get through the group date. The girls were hoping for some sparkle, but what they got instead was baseball. Some of the girls are actually stoked, some are visibly saddened by the lack of bling.

Mr. Overpaid shows up and calls the ladies in from their baseball warm-up drills. He tells them there will be a real game, and the winning team will go on a romantic beach date with Ben, the losers will go home.

Because the teams would be uneven, Lindzi is chosen to play for both teams which mean she gets an automatic date card for tonight.

First inning and the red team is up 5-3.

Second inning and it’s a tie game: 6-6.

The game was supposed to last 2 innings only, but it went 5 innings. Finally the red team wins by 1 run when poor Jennifer strikes out. (I’ll let you draw your own parallel here…)

apparently there is lots of crying in baseball.

“There’s no crying in baseball,” Courtney says. “Rub some dirt on it. Walk it off.”

The bus ride to Loserville is filled with tears. Lots of wailing and gnashing of teeth and self-loathing.

It’s beach party time for the winners and Courtney is having a real hard time with everyone else. “Lindzi is annoying, Jamie is a hot mess, Casey S. doesn’t really interact with him, but he seems to really like Kacie B.”

Ben spends a lot of alone time with all the girls on the date. I’m assuming there’s mucho making out.

I guess Courtney should be worried, because Kacie B. gets the group date rose…and that’s when you see the wheels turning in Courtney’s mean little mind of manipulation. “Kacie B. is a little girl, and he needs a woman. I have an idea in mind. I don’t need the rose.”

She asks Ben if she can steal him from the group when he and Kacie return, and they go off to the beach together. She tells him she wishes they could have a secret rendezvous, share a bottle of wine and go skinny dipping and wouldn’t it be cool if they could orchestrate something… (and like a modifier, he’s left there to dangle.)

Next date: “Elyse, let’s find love somewhere private.” Elyse starts crying in her private interview that she really hopes she doesn’t go home today because she gave up a lot to be here. She gave up her job because she believes in this.

Courtney says, “It dawned on me after she left that I might not see her later. I hope I have her number…I could use a personal trainer.”

Ben and Elyse have a private yacht. They jump off the side of the boat and swim, and make out. This date is slightly better than Rachel’s one-on-one last week, but barely. Let’s move to dinner and see if it improves!

Elyse: “Do you have any concerns or questions for me?” Ben asks questions, and she answers, and he seems bored. She just talks, and talks and talks, and he keeps glancing at the table or the water. He tells her that she made a great first impression on him on day one, but there have been several missed connections on the group dates. He tells her that he didn’t find what he was hoping to with her on their date, and that he can’t give her the rose tonight. Damn, he didn’t even let her finish her wine.

She is crushed. “What did I do wrong?” He hugs her and tells her she’s an incredible woman, but his relationship with the other women has just surpassed where they could ever get.

We leave this date with a dramatic tossing of the rose into the ocean.

Back at the ho-stead, the ho-testants are wondering what’s going on with the date when an ABC dude comes in to retrieve Elyse’s suitcase. Everyone is shocked, but Courtney; who is smirking like she made it happen with one little flick with her evil eyebrow.

Some more Courtney quotations gold:

“Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out.”

“Seeing Elyse’s bag leave is bittersweet. Sweet for me, bitter for her.”

“Another one bites the dust.”

“That blew my panties off.”

So remember Courtney’s rendezvous request? Oh yeah, she’s about to make good on her promise. She sits outside Ben’s room with a bottle of wine wearing a robe only. He invites her in even though he was “shocked that she took initiative like that and broke the rules.” He really isn’t sure how he feels about it, but I have a feeling he feels just fine. At least right now. She suggests a walk on the beach and some leisurely skinny dipping.

They strip down and go all in.

baby it's cold outside?



“I know the girls will be mad when they find out, but that’s not what I’m here for.”

Okay, cocktail party time… Ben feels kinda “crappy” about the “intimate moment” he shared with Courtney because he needs to “remain open” and share with all the women. Huh-huh-huh-huh, he said intimate moment. Dude, docked his boat and rocked her vote and now he wants to swim in the deep with all the other ho-testants.

Courtney is really enjoying be the town slut. “He doesn’t look at the other girls as much as me.”

Then she starts to stir the pot of crazy by bringing up skinny dipping. One of the girls mentions how fun that would be with Ben, and she nods knowingly. She completely rubs it in without telling them. She is flaunting it and they are clearly clueless. She is truly a demon diva.

EminEmily tries to apologize to Ben about bringing up Courtney last week but then she turns around and rehashes the whole thing with him. He tells her to tread lightly, be careful, and to drop it.

She really needs to eat a piece of clue cake. Damn, I thought she had a brain. I mean, honey, he just took Little Ben fishing and caught himself Ursula the sea witch. Don’t be such a poor unfortunate soul, honey pie.

Finally it’s rose ceremony time and the girl leaving tonight is…


Ladies and gents, I did NOT see that coming, although after her strike out leading to her team losing, I totally should have. He sent the “best kisser” packing. Whoa. And this was just after telling her how much he enjoyed last week’s date with her.

In her private interview, she cries and wonders what she did wrong and then she heaves, and snorts, and sniffs and it’s kinda like watching a 5 year old who skinned her knee.

Ben tells the girls they are heading to Panama City, Panama, next and in the previews, we see something that happens to Casey S. that seems serious. I am assuming she has a family emergency and goes home early. More girls confront Ben about Courtney and the previews lead us to believe he feels betrayed, but don’t trust the editing, folks! Tune in next week to see what happens! I really hope Courtney can’t keep her mouth shut about her little rendezvous…