When a show is on hiatus for this long, you expect a dramatic moment right at the start. And we get that right away in this episode of Ringer, when we find out the Bridget now has bangs!
Okay, perhaps a new hairdo is not terribly exciting, but those bangs are all that separate look-alike twin sisters Bridget and Siobhan this week. Well, that and a glass shower door. Because Siobhan is watching her sister shower, earning herself points as the biggest creeper of the season so far (and with this show, that is a serious accomplishment *starts a slow-clap*).
Are we in for a big confrontation between Bridget!Siobhan and Siobhan!Siobhan? Hang on to your hats, folks, because we are not. We’re teased with the thought of payoff on all these lies building upon lies when the show cues us to TWO DAYS EARLIER! Way to make me wait, Ringer. Because you’re already so good at doing that. *bites fist*
Bridget and Andrew have dinner with some cranky couple. The wife brings Bridget!Siobhan peonies with this weird shirty look, and I get that there’s supposed to be revealed significance later, but it’s a “That bitch!” moment that falls flat because we, like Bridget, are like, “Whahuh? Peonies. Um. Nice?”
Turns out shirty!woman runs a foundation about to have a charity fund-raising event that would coincidentally benefit Juliet’s public school. “I’m a great advocate of public schools,” Bridget confides, because she is not even trying to pretend she’s Siobhan any more. Her frenemy is all *heated suspicious looks* and IHU! face while Bridget volunteers herself to help out with the fundraiser to keep her frenemy even closer.
Puffy!Andrew lets in Victor Machado, because he (like me — for once we agree, puffy!Andrew), has no idea why Bridget’s prints would be all over that gun that ended up killing both Gemma and Charlie, AKA random minion of Siobhan who Siobhan offed last time. For the record, I also still don’t get the thing of Bridget putting the gun in that dumpster with her prints on it episodes ago — wouldn’t you want the scent to go cold on your own trail, instead of broadcasting to the FBI, the NYPD, and the Reservation Crime Bosses of the world that you can be located in Nueva York? IT’S PROBABLY JUST ME.
Back at home, Bridget!Siobhan wants to talk about why Juliet’s been so quiet, but Andrew is distracted by her slinky negligee (though not distracted enough to do anything steamy). She needs to get that ring he gave her resized, because it keeps falling off. This is a clue, Andrew, get it? But he’s too busy cuddling his wife’s sister pretending to be his wife (and to be fair, that bed does look very comfy *and* stylish). Cue set-up for something-something happening to the ring later. At least we know there will be one true payoff this ep.
Meanwhile, Siobhan sneaks into Andrew’s office, but she can’t hack his computer to steal files. Tyler calls, he’s in PARIS, FRANCE! I wish they would set a scene in Paris, Texas, I really do. She ditches his call when Andrew’s assistant shows up with the completely unnecessary information that Olivia’s in London. Siobhan tries to finagle Andrew’s password, but the assistant doesn’t know. She watches Sibohan suspiciously as Siobhan pretends to be the Siobhan that Bridget is now pretending to be. Also, the assistant is wearing gorgeous lipstick.
Back at the apartment, Bridget!Siobhan asks Juliet if she’s okay, but both Juliet and I are too startled to pay attention because of the CRAZY BEDAZZLED thing Bridget’s wearing. Is that mess part of her shirt? Or a Game of Thrones royal collar that’s the start of Bridget beginning a cosplaying arc? Juliet’s pretend stomach flu gets waved off, and she and Adnrew leave so Bridget can chat with Malcolm, and make him get some crap day job working for Andrew’s company.
Juliet’s at school after winter break with her one friend, who thinks she should get help. Because of how Mr. Carpenter raped her a few weeks ago. Remember that? Juliet just wants to forget it happened and move on, though. They roll their eyes at each other, and Juliet seems legitimately freaked out to see Mr. Carpenter in the corridor. So help me, Ringer, I need Juliet NOT to be lying here. Don’t misdirect with a topic like this, okay?
Next scene discovers Siobhan in the place near and dear to the hearts of all the characters — a coffee shop! Oh, Ringer, you run on caffeine and sparkly things and LIES! On the phone with Tyler (who, by the way, is in PARIS, FRANCE!), she dangles that “you’re the father of my baby” thing until he gives her tips on how to properly hack Andrew’s financial records — do it at home!
Puffy!Henry is suddenly right outside! And first I think that’s a mistake, but wow, Siobhan was waiting for him to say she misses him. “You know who I miss?” he yells. “My wife!” Ouch. He’s on to more than he knows when he says if it wasn’t for her Gemma would be there today. But forget your dead wife, Henry, because Siobhan says she can explain EVERYTHING. Even the dumpster-gun with Bridget’s fingerprints?
He can’t meet later, because he’s got all these publishing meetings. Wait, people want to publish that book of his? Siobhan is sincerely excited about his opportunity and he roars, “Since when do you care about my book?” She protests, saying no matter what, she’ll always think he’s an amazing writer — MORE LIES! But that’s enough to get him to agree to meet at the loft (remember the loft? are we…going anywhere with that?) later that week.
Victor insults all of New York’s finest when he says the NYPD just wants the Charlie/John thing to go away. And then he refused to donate to their pension fund. Bastard. The angle was all wrong for Charlie to kill himself, Victor argues — which, yes, it would be hard for Charlie to shoot himself point blank from three feet away. “The Bridget Kelly I knew in Wyoming was not a kidnapper or a killer,” Victor muses. The fact that Victor doesn’t even come up with even one measly theory about what the hell else could be going on is obscured when his minion tells him Charlie/John was in the Hamptons the same weekend Bridget ;;;;p’visited Siobhan. Like riff-raff like Charlie go to the Hamptons, pffftt.
Malcolm comes through for Andrew at his meeting, and crunches numbers lickety split to show how Andrew’s company’s profits will zoom off the charts! It’s nice to get to see Malcolm do something useful besides shoot up/get beat up/get re-dumped by Bridget.
Bridget!Siobhan and her shirty frenemy start to chat about how they were friends until some mysterious weekend, when Siobhan threatened her. “I’m not the person I used to be, and not the person I was that weekend,” Bridget offers, and we all chortle because that double-talk never gets old!
Juliet’s pressured to make at an appearance at the party, which will take place right at the apartment. You know, right outside her bedroom door, with her rapist!teacher there making small talk and eating canapes.
Next day, Bridget skips out wearing these KILLER over-the-knee brown boots. I love love love them, though I don’t like that red outfit with them, and the hell has she got on for jewelry? Anyone notice that Bridget’s been gradually transitioning her Siobhan-look into something still expensive, but a little more funkalicious, and sometimes really unfortunate looking? It’s like, ridicu-chic. Meanwhile, Siobhan is across the street in a PARIS, FRANCE outfit of awesome with that beautifully cut trench coat, though those huge-sunglasses bug-eye her little face.
Siobhan calls Henry’s cell to say she’ll be a little late; no big, she just has to pilfer sensitive financial corporate information. When she gets to the apartment, she sees various items and momentoes scattered around, because it’s apparently the maid’s day off. When she gets teary-eyed looking handling a silk scarf, I expect a flashback, but nope, straight to the computer with her USB to steal away.
Andrew’s password isn’t “Arsenal” (of course he’s an Arsenal fan), and it’s not “Juliet” either. Actually kind of hilarious when Siobhan gets a what-smells-in-this joint? look on her face as she notices a New Year’s Eve phot of andrew and tries, you guessed it, “SIOBHAN” as the password — and she’s in! Laziest password ever, Andrew! Happy marriage time makes him vulnerable, do you see what they did there?
Aww, Andrew forgetted his briefcase! He also made you a cookie, but he eated it. It’s Olivia on the phone — hey, second Olivia mention, so I guess she’s coming back soon. Wonder why she’s been sitting on that not terribly incriminating picture of Henry and Siobhan she stole from Henry’s phone weeks and weeks ago with a seemingly crafty plan in her head?
Siobhan shows the deviousness and skill that make her a criminal mastermind, and STAND LIKE A DEER IN HEADLIGHTS in the middle of the living room while Andrew chats with Olivia. Then she tries to blend in with a random print chair. Your PARIS, FRANCE outfit is not the thing for that, Siobhan! Finally she sprints across the room when Andrew’s back is turned, hoping against hope he won’t see that someone’s downloading every sensitive business file of his ever from his computer.
Henry is not willing to wait 37 minutes for Siobhan, thank you very much, and leaves the loft.
Then Bridget!Siobhan comes back and canoodles with Adnrew while Siobhan seethes with jealousy in the next room. Siobhan’s thoughts are as plain as day:
I NEVER IMAGINED, WHEN I PLANNED MY OWN DEATH AND SHOVED MY SISTER INTO ASSUMING MY IDENTITY SO I COULD ASSASSINATE HER AND LIVE IT UP IN PARIS, FRANCE, THAT SOMETHING LIKE THIS COULD HAPPEN!
Once Andrew’s gone, Bridget leaves the room, and Siobhan can grab her handy-dandy USB. Then she decides she’ll watch her sister strip for the shower, and this could get weird, but I’m terribly distracted by that ah-may-zing standing tub over at the side of the room. How gorgeous is that? Do you think it soaks two?
Back to the opening-scene moment of Siobhan being a complete creeper, almost daring Bridget to turn around and find her. But she’s skedaddled when Bridget gets out of the shower and grabs one of those gorgeous Egyptian cotton spa towels that just soaks up all the moisture ever. Whoops, looks like Siobhan took Bridget’s fancy-schmancy ring from Andrew? Of course it fits her when she slips it on and tries once again to call Henry about their missed assignation, bow wow chicka wow-wow delay.
Bridget wanders back in a silk robe, and sees the ring isn’t there. Has it gone down the drain, she wonders? What is this, a 1950s sitcom about a wacky wife who’s lost her diamond? Luuuccyyyy!
Fundraiser-party time! Thank god we are back to having regular fancy dress occasions, because part of my Ringer love is completely based on seeing what evening gowns everyone will sport. Looks like they’re doing a silent auction thing with different sparkly dresses (they should have coffee shop gift cards for this bunch with the amount of lattes they choke down, I swear).
Bridget looks fantastic in her sparkly black dress, but Andrew immediately notices her missing ring, which she claims she took to get resized. Why the hell lie about it — just tell him it fell down the drain (even though we know it didn’t). This’ll be a fun ring plot thing, for those of us who’ve read Merchant of Venice far too many times. Your loyalty, Bridget!Siobhan, it will be tested with the disappearance of this ring of LOVE AND MARRIAGE!
Juliet’s skulking around in her room with her friend, who is wearing a cute little dress for the par-tay. She doesn’t want to tell her parents even though her friend urges her again, because everyone used to hate her, and now, “I don’t want to screw things up…It just got normal, and I kind of want it to stay that way.” Again Juliet gets title! *cues roar of applause*
Juliet’s nervous with rapist!teacher right across the room, and steals a half-finished martini to get through the evening. Dun dun duunnnn! Remember how rehab would have been a good idea for Juliet?
No time to think appropriate solutions to teenage addictions, though, because puffy!Henry has to storm in and yell at Siobhan for missing their meeting. Only of course he’s yelling at Bridget!Siobhan instead of Siobhan!Siobhan, and honestly, I feel for Henry a tiny bit, because sometimes it’s hard for me to keep track (thank god Bridget!Siobhan’s still sporting those bangs). Oh, he missed a meeting with the New Yorker staff to hook up with her. Like anyone else is to blame for that terrible life decision but YOU, puffy!Andrew.
Because Juliet’s pal is such a good friend, she’s also an addiction enabler, and snags them both glasses of wine. Way not to rock the boat, Juliet, as you speed your way toward drunken antics.
Bridget!Siobhan’s frenemy finds her out on the terrace. Of course it turns out she knew about Siobhan and Henry. Bridget is startled, but says she ended it, and apologizes profusely for ruining yet another person’s relationship with Gemma. Finally we hear that the whole peony-thing was because that woman happened upon Siobhan!Siobhan cheating on Andrew with Henry at the Hotel Pivoine in Boston. Pivoine, as you may have already guessed, is PARIS, FRANCE for peony. Don’t see Ringer never larned you nothin’!
Juliet drunk-heckles Mr. Carpenter with brassy suggestions. When Mr. Carpenter tries to calm her, she shrieks out, “Don’t touch me!” Andrew comes up to tell her the obvious, that she’s drunk, and she tells him the also-obvious that he is, well, boring. Because I love Ioan, don’t get me wrong, but Andrew’s pretty fangless these days.
Anyway, Bridget!Siobhan enters Juliet’s room for a heart-to-heart, and it’s not long before Bridget’s cottoned on to what exactly happened between Juliet and Mr. Carpenter.
“Carpenter!” Bridget barks as she charges into the room, and OH MY GOD, SO AWESOME, SHE PUNCHES HIM IN THE FAAAAACE! Satisfying for Bridget to defend her stepdaughter (in-law), but kind of awkward for Juliet, who, you know, actually wanted to forget the whole thing, instead of telling everyone at a charity function what went down between her and her English teacher.
Victor scouts out a homespun diner-shack in the Hamptons, where there are SO MANY enormous fish trophies stuck on the wall that I’m expecting someone to start a brawl using fish heads as weapons. But there’s no time for a quick rendition of “Fish heads, fish heads, roly poly fish heads/Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up, yum!” Because Victor’s asking the waitress if she’s ever seen dead!Charlie with Bridget this past September. Nope, but in May she saw them together (and got stiffed on the tip) — it had to have been, wait for it, Siobhan! “What kind of name is that?” sniffs the waitress. AN OIRISH NAME, begosh and begorrah! (**Glee Recap shout-out**)!
Hotel Pivoine in Boston is closed for renovations, but Bridget looks it up online to see its sister hotel is open. And where is it open, my Ringer friends? If you guessed PARIS, FRANCE, you win a half-drunken martini (if you can drink it before Juliet nabs it).
Bridget!Siobhan apologizes for punching Mr. Carpenter, but Andrew’s mad not at her, but at himself. He didn’t pick up on the cues or respond to Bridget!Siobhan’s worries, and she’s the one who acted “like a mother”. “We’ll get through this as a family,” she tells him. Awww. Except for that whole deceit thing, am I right?
Henry stumbles into Sibohan hanging in his apartment. Lucky the lesbian nanny took the twins out for dessert, which Andrew totally knew, instead of drinking his dinner and continuing his oblivious race to win the World’s Worst Dad trophy. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” Siobhan pleads as she apologies for, like, months of confused-ignoring from Bridget!Siobhan. “I’m going to fix it, I promise. Henry, I love you!” He just wants to know who the person “at the party yesterday, because it’s not the same person standing in front of me right now.””Tell me, who the hell are you?” he demands.
Does Ringer mean to suggest Henry’s going to be let in on Siobhan’s secrets, the one person she’ll tell the truth to after all this time? And did Ringer really mean to lyric-associate me with that last line and leave the CSI-snippet of The Who’s “Who Are You?” ringing in my head at the end of this episode? Let’s find out together next week, because yay, the Ringer hiatus is over!