Ringer 1.12 – What Are You Doing Here, Ho-Bag?

Andrew faces off with his unstable ex-wife, while Siobhan's Enormous Head watches over them all!

Bridget leaves the longest voicemail message in the world for Malcolm, who, as it turns out, is now working for Martin-Charles, and has celebrated his employment by leaving town to visit his cousin during the work week.  Way to act like a model IT guy from the get-go, Malcolm.  Oh, fine, so you deserve a vacation after recovering from your forced-heroine re-addiction, beating, and dumping from Bridget.  Take a break, guy!  It’s not like there’s a major crime boss after you, making it dangerous for you to flit around wherever you please.  No, no, go on your little family trip.  Enjoy!

Siobhan tells a skeptical puffy!Henry that she ended their relationship to protect them, but just can’t stand lying to him. Tell him you’ve got his no doubt purple-prose writing bun in the oven, Siobhan! But no, they yammer on about how he gave her the scarf she’s wearing (the one making such a mess in the Manhattan apartment last week), and how she likes to enliven her cheating ways by sending coded messages in “little word jumbles.”  Has no one heard of anagrams on this show?  They make out, but just as they start to get going, she’s got to leave for some reason!  He’ll meet her tomorrow even though she’s behaving suspiciously (Henry: “Hey, remember how you lost our baby?”  Siobhan!Siobhan: “Baabbyyyderrrrp?”), because he is the chump of all chumps.

When Bridget!Siobhan gets home, there are some fiiiine knee-high boots dumped on the carpet, wine and perhaps some drugs spilled on the coffee table, and a not-terrible cover of “Tainted Love” blaring from the stereo.   Surely it’s that scamp-vixen stepdaughter to blame!  But nope, it’s the mom of said scamp-vixen step-daughter, Catherine (i.e., Mrs. Martin the First) who’s made herself at home in the soaking tub.  At least someone’s using it!  *covets that damn tub*

Bridget’s role-playing her Hot Martha Stewart persona to make Juliet pancakes and drive Andrew wild with lust (because he digs organization and domesticity, yo).  Andrew’s going to see an attorney about rapist-teacher, Mr. Carpenter.  Bridget keeps calling him “Carpenter” in this no-nonsense bark, because she’s a badass.  But Juliet skips off with clearly-manic Catherine, because wouldn’t you ditch Bridget!Siobhan’s dubious homemade pancakes for Sarabeth’s and shopping at Bergdorf’s and Barneys?

Tyler calls Siobhan, asking if it’s weird to miss someone he’s never met — because he misses that baby of (probably) Henry’s, which he believes to be his.  Poor chump.  Maybe more of a chump than Henry.  No, no, I’m just fooling.  Anyway, he’s fretting about “Cora” getting out of town safely (because of her other lie about Andrew being abusive), but she’s got a guy, Solomon, who will get her away from NYC all ninja-like.

Siobhan tries to pawn her fancy ring, and the broker says he doesn’t buy stolen stuff.  Which, true, she did steal it from Bridget during that creepy shower scene — hey, he’s good!  When she says she wants to forget the man who gave it, he offers her 15K, and she accepts though it’s worth ten times that.  Then she phones someone so she can sound all badass herself:  “I’ve got the cash.  Let’s do this.”  Yeah!  Let’s do this thang!

Bridget leaves another long phone message for Malcolm, because apparently he’s got nothing better to do on his jaunt out of town than listen to her rattling on.  Then she calls the Pivoine Hotel — IN PARIS, FRANCE, Y’ALL! — and stupidly asks for her sister’s actual name, which, natch, they don’t have in their system.  Finally she puts all the fake-identity pieces together (about time, because people like the therapist and Tyler have been practically flinging them in her face) and asks for Cora Farrell.  Pay dirt!  Except not really, because Bridget’s not terribly good at this Girl Detective thing, and can’t supply enough info to get her access to Siobhan’s exciting secret Parisian life.

Victor Machado and his very pretty FBI pal go to visit The Matador (i.e., Jimmy, that dude who gave Bridget the gun and told her to hightail it out of Wyoming) in jail.  Jimmy totally gives Victor the silent treatment while Victor tries to pretend he’s holding any cards whatsoever.  “You’re no closer to Bodaway than you were six months ago,” Jimmy finally snaps.  Touché, Jimmy!  Because Victor is an even worse Girl Detective than Bridget.  Wait, do we really need the FBI goons to make a parting shot prison-rape joke, Ringer?  You’re already on notice for Juliet’s maybe-lie about her rape; don’t make me come down there.

Claudine, Andrew’s assistant, gets more much-deserved screen time to tell Bridget!Siobhan she’s got no record of Siobhan and Andrew going to Paris.  He’s going in a few weeks, however, to meet with the head of European operations — Tyler Barrett, that poor sap who thinks he’s the father of Siobhan’s kiddo.  Oh, and then she remembers Tyler also called her Cora when they met for dinner, and another piece s l o w l y clicks into place for our cunning investigator!

So Bridget does the dumbest thing ever, which is she calls Tyler right away.  Like it might not be a leetle beet dangerous (that’s dangereuse for those of you playing at home in PARIS, FRANCE) to stomp into this delicate mystery like a pack elephant storming a ballet?  She does get the name “Solomon” from him, so she can look it up in Siobhan’s Huge Orange Book.  But she has to hang up so she can field questions from Andrew, who understandably wants to know why she might have pawned that ginormous ring that he so lovingly gave her as proof of their loving love.

So many tropes collide when Siobhan, in one of the show’s many coffee shops, takes a call from PARIS, FRANCE.  It’s Tyler, who obviously is going to mention to her straight off that they just spoke, and Siobhan starts to get a sneaking suspicion, like, hey, maybe, just maaayybeee, Bridget is on to her.  On account of Bridget having been so circumspect and all with her blundering investigating.

Bridget!Siobhan and Andrew meet with someone who’s going to show them video footage of what went down that night at the high school, when Juliet says she was raped.  I’m covering my eyes, people, because you know Juliet is going to come off like a lying liar who lies in this bit.  Catherine and Juliet storm into the middle of it just in time to watch Juliet backing Mr. Carpenter into a locker, looking every bit the Lolita-esque predator as Mr. Carpenter flails helplessly and tries to push that evil teenager awaaayyy.  Oh, I never thought you might play that card, Ringer!  *rolls eyes right out of skull*

Juliet insists, “I made a mistake, but he didn’t listen, and he wouldn’t stop!”  So hey, she could still be telling the truth.  But Andrew doesn’t quite believe her, and Catherine blames Bridget!Siobhan for everything.  Bridget!Siobhan promptly jumps into the ex-versus-current-wife cat-fighting ring with Catherine, while Andrew watches with a stricken, “Stop yelling, be FRIENDS!” expression.

Siobhan!Siobhan meets with her guy Solomon, but she no longer wants that visa for Cora Farrell.  Now she wants Rebecca Sheldrake, because she’s got to escape Bridget’s problem-finder-outer skills.  Solomon tears up the useless visa and tosses it right in the trash, from which a wily Henry Butler filches it for his own nefarious purposes!

Meanwhile, Victor Machado’s pretty colleague goes into find a beaten-up (and presumably raped — thanks for putting that in my head, Ringer) Jimmy, who’s now ready to talk.

Siobhan!Siobhan goes to meet puffy!Henry for a lunch, and he has to go spoil it all by asking, “Why did you kill Gemma?” right away.  Oh ho ho, he thinks she’s BRIDGET, which is so awesomely wrong, but, points to Henry for being the best pretend!detective on this show by using (a) actual evidence and (b) calling the feds.  Look, here’s Victor Machado to arrest Siobhan as Bridget Kelly, wheeee!

Holy McGillicuddy, they’re fingerprinting Siobhan!Siobhan down at the station!  Okay, okay, but there’s no match to Bridget’s prints, because apparently twins don’t have matching fingerprints.  Awk-ward!  “I had to fly all the way from Colorado just for this!” Victor fumes.  One day your bosses will stop signing off on all these leisure jaunts, Victor.

He plays his trump card: he knows Siobhan met with John DeLorio (aka Charlie the bad NA sponsor/Gemma killer).  “At Tipton’s Reef?” Siobhan shoots back, because she’s got an explanation ready — John was a private dick (hee hee) helping her find information about her miscreant addict sister before Bridget visited her.  And, fine, he’s got proof Siobhan met Solomon in an alley — she only met him because her detective gave her Solomon’s number as a possible lead to Bridget.  Do not even try to play this game with the actual!Siobhan, Victor, because she cannot be tripped up!

Bridget!Siobhan apologizes to Andrew about her spat with Catherine, Andrew confesses he thought Juliet stole the ring and confides they’re getting a new security system put in tomorrow.  Plus, he got the ring back, and they both look all excited like teenagers with their first Claddagh ring (except of course this is worth a million times that) and put it back on, resized to fit her daintier-than-Siobhan!Siobhan’s fingers.

Juliet interrupts, for the first time looking like an actual teenager at home, because she’s wearing a sweatshirt and no make-up.  She needs help with her mom, who is drunk, burning photographs of Juliet, and announcing, “I’m having a funeral for my daughter!”  Great parenting, lady.  Bridget!Siobhan calls Catherine on her abusive hot-cold manipulative ways, and Andrew takes out the trash, flinging money for a hotel at Catherine and kicking her out.

Bridget!Siobhan tells Juliet a long-winded childhood cowboy boots anecdote to demonstrate that when parents destroy your footwear and/or pictures of you, it’s really all about them.  That earnest truism sure makes it all better when you find your mom declaring you dead and setting fire to your cute baby pics.  Let’s all get some ice cream.

Victor brings out some nearly forgotten FBI training, and finally makes a freaking timeline of what’s been happening.  Hey, can we get a copy of that to help us sort out this mess, Victor?  Also, you have beautiful penmanship.

“Your boy Kemper decided to talk!” pretty FBI colleague crows on the phone.  Victor sees a way to escape the Big Apple and leave everything to the local guys.  But nope, Jimmy confessed to murdering the strippers.  You know, the strippers Bodaway offed.  His details match the reports Bridget Kelly gave, and everyone else is all for wrapping the case up.  But Victor just knows Jimmy is lying to protect someone.  Plus, is he really in such a hurry to leave good food, shopping, and theater, and get back to Wyoming?

Andrew’s spirited Juliet away from potential drama, so Bridget!Siobhan can be the one to send off hungover Catherine, with only a note from Juliet as a good-bye.  Catherine harrumphs that she remembers all of Siobhan’s “little word tricks” from her love-notes to Andrew when Catherine was still married to him, and a lightbulb dimly goes off in Bridget’s head.  Hey, didn’t Bridget and her sister play word jumble games — what’s the fear of the word anagrams, people?  Again in Girl Detective mode, Bridget figures out the real name of Solomon in Siobhan’s Big Orange Book, and arranges to meet him in an hour.

Jimmy claims to Victor that he confessed because some FBI stooge in the joint beat him up to get him to talk.  He’s not going to help Victor get to Bodaway, even though Victor assures him, “You might never turn on Bodaway, but guess what, Jimmy — Bodaway is going to turn on you.”  Also, he’ll probably cut you up into little pieces.  Just saying, Jimmy!

I gasp as we see ACTUAL BODAWAY this episode — honestly, I thought they were just going to name-check him until the end of the series.  “If you get me out of here,” Jimmy tells him from behind the prison visiting glass, “I’ll help you find Bridget Kelly.”  Bodaway narrows his eyes, remembering how he seemed like he was going to be a pivotal character back when this crazy show started.

Bridget!Siobhan hops right into some strange car that pulls up, and don’t do it, Bridget, it’s a tra — oh, he’s there to take her to the airport.  When was the last time she used his car service?  “Nine months ago, you said you were headed to Wyoming.”  Gee, Siobhan!Siobhan didn’t call him when she had to escape the Hamptons to fly incognito to PARIS, FRANCE?  Maybe she’s got another ninja-like driver near that beach house of hers.

Bridget once again fills up Malcolm’s voicemail by exclaiming that Siobhan lied to her — she had to have known Bridget was in Wyoming before the trial even though she claimed she had no idea where Bridget was, because she was there at the same time as Bridget.  “If she was looking for me, why didn’t she just contact me?” Bridget asks the data-recording device plaintively.  Well.  You really haven’t cottoned on to the deceit and lies and more lies with the lying import of all this yet, have you, Bridget?

Andrew tells Juliet that her friend Andrea is on her way up.  Only it isn’t Andrea, it’s frenemy poor-kid bully Tessa!  “What are you doing here, ho-bag? Working as someone’s maid?” Juliet snarls, again getting title and demonstrating her lamentable lack of sensitivity to class differences.  Wait, Mr. Carpenter forced Tessa to have sex also?  She seems very sincere as she weeps through her confession, but she’s also Juliet’s nemesis.  It either confirms everything Juliet claimed, or it’s a trap, Juliet, a trap!

Siobhan, with her one last chance to get puffy!Henry to believe her, has him stationed outside the building.  Then he sees double as Bridget!Siobhan gets out of the car!  “She’s the one living a lie with Andrew, not me,” Siobhan!Siobhan passionately proclaims.  “And I’m still pregnant!”  Henry looks stunned.  And moved.  And is possibly an even bigger chump than I took him for, though won’t all the fallout from this be fun?  Let’s find out next week!