Hello fans. I’m sorry I’m a week late, I’ve had some ongoing health issues. I apologize, but honestly, with the awesome pain meds I was on, this recap would have more closely resembled bad math than English.
Usually I start my recaps off with something like “The ho-testants arrive in X and Mr. Overpaid, blah, blah, blah.” Well, today, I’m able to offer you something different. This episode, Mr. Overpaid is not available for day one in Panama, so this week’s role of Mr. Overpaid is being played by, Bachelor Ben. That’s right. He’s pulling double duty! He delivers the news that there will be a 1-on-1 date, a group date, and a 2-on-1 date.
Is there any wonder I call him Mr. Overpaid? He can’t even be bovvered to show up for his ding-danged ol’ job.
The 1-on-1 date card goes to Kacie. “Kacie, will our love survive.” I dunno, but I might not survive all the extra cheese the keep spreading into these date cards. My arteries are clogging up, people! Kacie is instructed to pack 3 things for their date. A helicopter whisks the happy couple away to a deserted island and Ben asks what 3 things she brought. A swiss army knife, a bag of candy and a green monkey. I’m a little disappointed she didn’t pack a baton, but whatever.
Okay, can someone tell me exactly why she thought taking a monkey was a good idea? Ben packed a machete, fishing net, and matches. I suddenly checked to make sure I hadn’t switched to the new season of Surivor. (I’ll be honest, Survivng the Bachelor has a ring to it…and I’d totally watch.)
Ben digs in and starts doing jungle survival things like Tarzan, and Kacie is very Jane-like as she watches him while sipping her Earl Grey and eating a biscuit. She realizes that her green monkey isn’t gonna help out at all and that’s when we get this episode’s Motivational Poster Moment: “Relationships are all about overcoming obstacles, fears, and hurdles” (and green monkeys). I’m glad I was too high to watch this show last week becasue I don’t think even the massive painkillers I was on would have dulled the pain of that horrid moment. We need a LOLBachelor website. “I can haz green munky?” “Motivashunl Bachlr motivates.”
Blah, blah, blah…more metaphors about teamwork and marriage and the next step forward, etc. Is there a cheese volcano on this island?
We move on to dinner where Ben probes the depths of Kacie’s past (because he’s already probed the depths of Courtney’s present. ba da dum) and tries to understand why Kacie feels like she relates better with people older than she is. We find out that Kacie had an eating disorder in high school, she felt like that was the only thing in her life she could control. Ben nods thoughtfully and Kacie is in love…but then she’s been in love since date one, so this is not news.
We move on to the group date where Ben will try to float the boat for six women at the same time. Jamie (who?), Courtney, Lindzi, Emily, Casey, Nicki.
Ben steers his giant penis boat and picks the girls up. Courtney is “Over” the group dates. Jamie thinks the way Ben steers his “boat” is hot. I’m busy wondering where Jamie has been this entire season, because I keep forgetting who she is. The girls pile in and Ben pushes off and they begin their journey down the river and into the rain forest. It starts to rain and you hear Courtney say, “I’m SOOOOO wet.” Ben gripped tightly to his motor as he reminisced about being Courtney-handled last week in the ocean.
The boat pulls up to a village where some kids wearing loin cloths are playing soccer. The villagers greet the visitors and the village ladies pull the ho-testants into a hut and Ben runs off with the village men. I’m left to wonder who will be the village idiot this episode?
The ho-testants are dressed in native attire and Courtney decides to go without a bra. Of course, all we see is the big, black bar over her itty-bitty-titties but whatever. Nicki says she’s “not surprised Courtney went topless. That’s exactly opposite of what I would do in this situation.” Courtney says all the other ho-testants are just “prudes.” Then we get a fabulous “these beads are cold” and she shimmies and then appears to tweak what we can only imagine are her nipples behind the great black barrier.
Ben makes an appearance in a loin cloth. The ho-testants seem to approve, and he’s disappointed that all the girls are still wearing their bathing suit tops under their beads… and then Courtney shows him she’s “full on” and he says in his private interview (as he turns 6 shades of red) “I appreciated that, in more than one way.”
During this date, they get to do tribal paintings and Courtney proceeds to paint B + C = <3
Eminemily says that reminds her of 7th grade lunch room.
Courtney proceeds to shimmy her coconuts all around the village kids, the village grannies, and Ben. She says she’s got moves that people haven’t even seen yet. I think we’ve all seen everything that black barrier will let us see, but thanks for sharing.
It’s cocktail hour with the six women, but it really turns into the Courtney Hour. Ben can’t stop mentioning the “insane skinny dipping” in his private interviews. He says he really can’t wait to date all the other women, but then mentions Courtney. Again. “Skinny dipping was so memorable.” Yes. We get it. The first time you get a hand job in the ocean by a super skinny bitchy model should be memorable.
He gives Lindzi some “I like you and your lack of drama” B.S. and then moves right on in to private time with Courtney. Man, she must have the most magical hand in the world! “I’m in room 1611, just so you know.” Poor Ben. He’s toast. He went from not even getting tongue from Ashley to a Dandy with a Handy in Courtney. I hear the wedding bells already…
Next up is the only alone time we’ve seen so far between Jamie and Ben. And, of course, who comes traisping into the background? Courtney in her teeny white bikini…that’s who. Ben says it was very hard to concentrate on Jamie with Courtney giving him hand signals…Jamie wants to kiss him but can’t because of the frolicking Courtney.
EminEmily and Ben get some alone time and she starts off with an admission that there is another man in her life. Ben thinks she’s serious at first, and then EminEmily laughs and says it’s the Chief from the Embera village. That awkward moment when a joke falls flat? Yeah. So Ben asks EminEmily if they are past the Courtney BS and she says yeah, all the while biting the inside of her cheek because she really wants to remind him that Courtney is a whore… Ben helped keep her silent with some very unattractive making out. Tongue wrasslin’ at its least finest.
Emily feels empowered by Ben’s tongue and decides to bury the hatchet with Courtney. Not literally, which is disappointing. She apologizes to Courtney for being rash, says she made a mistake and doesn’t like that she can’t undo it, but she is apologizng. It was a very nice and, I think, sincere apology…
Courtney says she appreciates her being direct with her and that she respects it. “I had lost all respect for you, I’m not going to lie.” Cue daggers from EminEmily’s eyes…Courtney continues: “In real life, we wouldn’t be friends, and because you fucked me over we’ll never be friends. I don’t forgive and forget. I don’t respect you in that sense.” Jamie tries to mediate by telling Courtney that Em is apologizing and admitting she was wrong. And Courtney says…and I’m not making this up… “So you want me to just bend over and take it up the tailpipe?” (Am I the only one who had a Beverly Hills Cop flashback?)
After all that Courtney time with Ben, Lindzi got the date rose. Courtney is pissed…so she decides to go back to the room and prepare for a possible date with him…She’s very sad when he doesn’t show. We get lots of DEmotivational poster images of Courtney drinking tea and staring pensively away from the camera.
It’s 2-on-1 date time. Blakeley is very excited about this dancing date. “Save the last dance for me.” Rachel is nervous and feeling insecure. Courtney wants both girls to go home, naturally.
This date is salsa lessons, so sparks should be flying since salsa is very sexy. Rachel’s lesson is first and she’s got moves like an arthritic Jagger. She thinks there is “chemico” between them…I think she needs to work on her soul train.
Blakeley has a lot more rhythm and picked up the dance very quickly. They looked much more connected than Rachel and Ben. Rachel didn’t like it. She calls Blakeley “tacky” for using her sexuality. She finally succeeds after 2 attempts, but Blakeley breaks them up…fighting for that last dance and that rose.
It’s dinner time for the trio and Rachel tells Ben that she sees that Blakeley moves much faster than Rachel does. She tells Ben she’s not ready to go home…that this isn’t a competition it’s about what they have together.
Blakeley tells Ben she’s more nervous than she has felt before and that after tonight’s date, she really felt something for the first time. She gets a little tearful and tells him she doesn’t want to lose him before she really gets to know him. She shows him her stalker scrapbook of all the moments they’ve had together on all of their awesome group dates. Whoa. There aren’t enough dryer sheets to get rid of the static cling.
Ben’s all worried about this very tough decision and finally asks Rachel to accept the rose. Blakeley is devasted and walks away. Ben chases her and asks if he can explain and she says “What else do I need to know?” He tells her that their relationship just isn’t far enough along and he’s very sorry but he’d rather cut her now than on a 1-on-1.
Mr. Overpaid finally arrives on the show, but only to deliver some bad news… He visits the Den of Vipers and asks Casey S. if they could talk privately.
Mr. Overpaid, “It’s been brought to my attention that you’re in love with somebody else. Michael? Your boyfriend back home?”
Casey: “My ex.”
Mr. O: “Michael says y’all are still in a relationship.”
Casey: “No. That’s not true.”
Mr. O: “He says y’all were living together.”
Casey: “I loved him completely, he didn’t want to get married and I’m not willing to compromise that. We broke up, we got back together. I don’t know, maybe I should be in therapy.”
Mr. O: “Are you still in love with Michael?”
Casey: “I still have hope that he’ll change. I don’t know what I feel. I don’t wanna be in love with Michael.”
Mr. O: “You don’t wanna be in love with Michael but you are?”
Mr. O: “Let’s have a real conversation with Ben.”
Oy. Y’all know where this is going right? Ben is shocked that she’s not been honest and Casey S. is on the boat home. Oh, and there’s lots of tears on Casey’s end and Ben seems rather unbothered.
Cocktail party time and Jamie has decided she’s going to show Ben she’s a sex kitten. She’s gonna make sure he sees that she can be sexual. Honey, I don’t think a lap dance was the way to go. She seriously climbs on top of him, rips her dress (you hear it tear) and kisses him. That awkward moment when you realize you’re not really sexual at all? Yeah. That.
Then she talks too much and seriously I think Ben wants to duct tape a sock in her mouth.
Sadly, Jamie had to do the lap dance of shame all the way home, in her torn dress. Sorry, hon. You’re one date too late. If you had mounted Ben in the ocean last week, you would be good to go. Ke$ha is very proud of you, though. Next time–more glitter. And maybe a hand job.