Holy cow, gang, we caught a glimpse of Kurt and Blaine as fathers. Rachel’s Daddies = Future Klaine (and nothing hurts). It’s Valentine’s Day! Oh, manufactured holiday, I love you for making chocolate 75% off on the 15th. Thank you. Our episode cocktail is crazy delicious and crazy appropriate: Besame Mucho!
Get your Season Three Bingo Card and play along. There’s enough tonight that we won’t need the free space.
Everyone is feeling romantic in the choir room, what with all the hearts and streamers decorating the place. Finchel is kissing, the Cohen-Chang-Changs are making goo goo eyes, Britanna is slow dancing [DRINK!], Sam and Mercedes are shooting coy looks across the seats, and poor Kurt sits all alone, missing the Dread Pirate Blaine, still
on Broadway being a success home healing from surgery.
On the whiteboard [DRINK] Will has written: World’s Greatest Love Songs. Weirdly enough this week’s assignment is to find songs about family pets. Seriously, he’s not a good teacher. Since the Gleeks need to raise money to pay for hairspray and costumes (I’m looking at you, Kurt) they are going class-to-class singing in order to raise–
The kids are not having a repeat of Shoe-Throw Christmas, Mr. Schuester. What else do you have? Well, Sugar has this one in the bag. Did everyone forget that she’s rich? (Artie and Rory didn’t forget that she’s adorbs, that’s for sure.) She hands over a mafia-tissue (a few Large) which Will pretends he doesn’t want. Kurt snipes at him, “TAKE IT.” Will grabs the roll of cash. Whew!
But there’s more! Sugar has put something under everyone’s chair (not you, Artie, you wouldn’t stop rolling. Go look in the trash can) and it’s chocolate! Aww, Sugar’s good people. Her daddy (her Sugar Daddy, that never fails to crack me up) bought out Breadstix on the 14th, so it’s an All Couples Skate! No fatties. Or singles (they’re depressing). Rory and Artie start sniffing each other’s butts, wanting to assert their dominance; one of them will be taking Sugar to the Shack.
Rachel shows up later at the stage to find Finn there. They both were instructed to come and surprise! The Daddies Berry have arranged this little tête-à-tête (er, tête-à-tête plus tête-à-tête) to give their blessing to the engagement! Yes, they know — as do Burt and Carole, and everything’s coming up roses and daffodils! What the huh? The Daddies Berry are in full support of their little girl and her lunk making it honest!
(Sidenote: Jeff Goldblum as Hiram Berry, and Broadway-vet Brian Stokes Mitchell as LeRoy Berry are a stroke of genius. They’re fabulous, handsome, witty, and play well off each other. The one liners were flying fast and furious. But without Vin Diesel and exhaust fumes.)
Hiram has wedding magazines, LeRoy has love in his heart, and they just support everything Rachel does. She was raised to be proud of her decisions, after all. That’s…nice! (But she’s a child!) Hey, if it’s what she wants, they want her to shout it from the rooftops. Rachel is over the moon. Finn is trying to figure out who was the father he was supposed to have asked for permission in the first place.
Mercedes is evidently President (and client!) of the God Squad at McKinley, along with Quinn, Sam, and a dred-locked pretty boy with tattoos and Jesus shoes named Joe Hart. (This is Glee Project winner Samuel Larsen, and he’s super cute for being a dirty hippie.) He was home-schooled, thought he should get out in the world, and here he is. Mercedes abuses the word “Praise!” when she means “cool!” and Sam preens when he realizes that Shane isn’t there. PRAISE!
Puck tells the group that he’s taking an entire Sorority to Sugar’s party. He’s done with true love. Kurt has a Valentine’s Day card from “A Secret Admirer” that is clearly Blaine. He’s gotten one every day this week, in fact! Aww. Then, a Gorilla Gram is delivered to him with another “From Your Secret Admirer” tag and some balloons. The gorilla won’t give up who’s sending them, but it’s Blaine, right? RIGHT? (Anvil!)
Rory tells them that he’s taking Sugar to the party to which Artie puts out a “Hells to the Naw!” because he is going to take her. Besides, she won’t even understand what Rory is asking her, what with that ridiculous Oirish accent o’his. She’ll only hear, “Clean as a whistle!”
Rory narrows his eyes, adjusts his poipe and his cap, an’ tells Artie tha’ he needs ta take this far leaf cloh-ver, this blue duy-mond, and a par-ple HARSE shoe, and keep his hands off me Lucky Charms! Meaning, Sugar! (Only 17 grams per sarvin’!)
Mike and Tina sing “L-O-V-E” by Nat King Cole [DRINK! Yay Tina!] Mike has really done some work on his vocals! He sounds great. During their performance is a cute one-up montage of Rory and Artie battling for Sugar’s affections.
- Artie with a candy heart; Rory with a bag of candy hearts. RORY = 1, ARTIE = 0
- Rory with a box of chocolates, Artie makes it rain glitter hearts from the sky. ARTIE = 1, RORY = 1
- Artie with a stuffed dog toy, Rory with an actual dog. ARTIE = 1, RORY = 2.
Oh, it was close, Artie. (But he’s not done yet!)
Brittany comes to Santana’s locker with her Valentine: a playlist of all of the songs that she hears when she thinks of Santana. Oh, they are just the sweetest. And highly featured all episode long, NICE JOB, FOX! [DRINK] The playlist is awesome, by the way:
- Purple People Eater
- Disco Duck
- Monster Mash
- On Top of Spaghetti
- Pac-Man Fever
- Osama ya Mama
- Dif’frent Stokes Theme Song
Excuse me while I crack up and mock the writers for their mid-80s bias. As they move in for a kiss, Principal Figgins interrupts: “TEEN LESBIANS: In my office.”
Santana thinks it’s crap that they’re being singled out for a PDA. Well, Figgins has a rule: if someone reports something, he has to take a stance. (Unless it involves bullying, slushies, dumpster tossing, slurs…) But what about all the making out Rachel and Finn do?
“Believe me I’d rather see you two than that so-called Finchel,” Figgins says, and no, that’s not inappropriate at all. See, someone called in with a religious complaint. Santana happily (read: angrily) points out the stupid double standard.
Back in Glee Club, Rachel and Finn tell everyone how they’re getting engaged, cue: excitement!
Um, Rachel said cue excitement? Puck wants to know when she’s due, Quinn wants to know where her brain is, Mr. Schue thinks it’s upstaging his upcoming nuptials, and Kurt thinks they’re idiots. Oh, and he’s the one who told their parents. Because they’re being idiots. Well, fine, Kurt and Quinn. I guess you both won’t be bridesmaids after all, hm!
Artie shoves them aside so he can sing a song to Miss Sugar Motta. He busts out “Let Me Love You” by Mario and [DRINK] for Kevin McHale’s soulful vocals. The guys provide backup and Sugar is totally feeling it. She loves the attention and says, “Wheel me to class, baby!” as she hops in his lap. I guess a song was worth two points? Sorry, Rory.
After class, Santana tells Rachel that she fully supports her right to be miserable with Finn for the rest of her life. Aw, that’s nice! Mercedes and the God Squad show up with a Singing-Valentine from Finn to Rachel. Perfect time to showcase new kid as Joe starts singing, “Stereo Hearts” by Gym Class Heroes. He’s really good, and I kind of want to gnaw on his jawbone. Even though he’s a dirty hippie. (True story: I followed the ‘Dead and Phish when I was in college. Don’t judge me. It’s in the name of the website, people. What I’m saying is that I got better. Take your balancing sticks and hacky sacks and get a job, brah! Selling vegan hemp burritos off the back of your Westphalia doesn’t count, either.)
Joe sounds great, Sam raps and I actually liked it! I had to close my eyes because he’s so white, but his voice had depth and funk to it. I get it, Mercedes. You left a little stank in ya boy, didn’t you? I approve. The whole crowd outside gets into it, and why are the Glee kids geeks? The school digs their singing. A choir joins them and Rachel is positively giddy with excitement.
Santana approaches Dreds McJoe and confirms that: a) he’s Christian, b) 10 bucks gets a song sung, and c) it can be her girlfriend Brittany? As in hot kisses and love girlfriend, not comb hair and talk about mud masks girlfriend? Uh oh, crisis in Bible-country.
Kurt has another card delivered (and [DRINK] for his awesome outfit of red pants, knee high boots and black jacket) and it’s again, from “Your Secret Honey.” That…doesn’t sound like Blaine. They don’t use those words. Maybe that’s why Kurt’s so over the moon? Anyway, Blaine is romantic and perfect and ANVIL.
Rory asks for the attention of the class. It seems he can’t get an extension on his visa to stay next year, and even though he misses his Irish family dreadfully, the Gleeks have been a family for him, too. He sings a number to them as a thank you, “Home” by Michael Buble. Oh, Rory (Damien) I’m so glad they’re letting you sing. He sounds wonderfully soulful, if young. His face is dreamy, he emotes well, and hey, he can act when he sings! Let the boy sing.
Britanna are cuddled up with goo goo eyes [DRINK], Finchel are all with the hands and love, while Sam and Mercedes exchange glances across the room. But Sugar? Oh, she is all anime-heart-eyes for Rory.
“I feel worse for you than for Artie. Will you be my date for Valentine’s?” It’s not the best proposal, but it’s the best one he’s going to get. Sorry, Artie.
The God Squad calls an emergency Homo Meeting. As in, are we okay with singing to The Gays? Sam gives Mercedes a look. “Um, we’re in Glee. We sing to gay people all the time.” No, no, but Joe is home-schooled! He’s never been around a (whisper) homosexual before, so what if this is offensive to him? Or to Mercedes’ choir?
Mercedes? If I may… Kurt is supposedly your best friend. Girl, you better stand up for your friend right now and enough with this “I don’t want to offend random people.” You don’t offend people in your life, you don’t worry about your mama’s hairdresser’s nephew.
They do the old song and dance of the Bible says this, but it doesn’t say that, and Quinn is the Leviticus quoter (see? I know things) and puts the logical smack down on err-body. They agree to let Joe think about it. Sam, meanwhile, pulls Mercedes off to the side as he has a gift for her. It’s a Christmas thing he’s painted in Valentine colors, but hey, the kid is homeless and crashing at the Hud-mels, give him a break.
Mercedes just can’t do this, Sam, she just cannot. Shane knows, knows all about their sordid church hayride dates, their shared prayers… It broke Shane’s heart. And Mercedes was wrong to have her cake and pray with it, too, so they’re through, Boo. THEY ARE THROUGH.
Woe, sobbity as Sam Charlie Browns away and Mercedes belts out The Song by The Voice that Just Died. (Too soon?) “I Will Always Love You,” and toss a [DRINK] back for Miss Amber Riley and her delicious vocals that would make the Devil himself weep. (I will say that Dolly Parton’s version is the best. IT IS. It’s plaintive and sad and makes you feel for her, losing her man and trying to make it on her own? Whitney? You know she’s going to be fine. It’s like how Jodie Foster was mis-cast in Panic Room. It didn’t work because Jodie Foster doesn’t panic.)
That makes sense, guys. Also, I’ve had a few cocktails. Hey, I’m playing the game, okay?
Mercedes belts it out and does a lovely job (as if you thought she wouldn’t) and there is a montage of her breaking up with a tearful Shane, a tearful Sam watching her, and a proud and triumphant, wait, no that’s just how the song is delivered, a proud and determined, albeit sad, Mercedes standing all alone. Sam is crushed, and come here, Sam, take off that shirt and let me hold you until you feel better.
Next: It’s the greatest dinner party in the history of Glee with the Daddies Berry and the Hud-mels. The Berry home is gorgeous, Hiram and Rachel are singing a little number at the piano, scatting and jamming to Finn’s delight, while Burt and Carole look on politely. Finn to his mom: “Why don’t we ever do this?” Carole’s look of “Are you effing kidding me?” is awesome.
Rachel explains that it’s a Berry family tradition to turn dinner into dinner thea-tuh, and boy, is it clear where she got it.
Cut to the actual dinner:
Hiram: Lube felt weird on the rubber, especially when I went faster, you know?
LeRoy: [walking in] SPUTTER!
Burt: Cars? Lube in cars?
LeRoy: Thank god, I don’t want to be that open with the in-laws….
The Daddies Berry explain how they met: they were both in the International Supergroup “Up With People” (omg) and have been together ever since. Mind, they were in their late 20s, but surely Finn and Rachel can make this work. And no time like the present! It’s time for dessert and teenage lovemaking!
I beg pardon? Haha, Hiram was joking. There’s no dessert! Time for the two lovebirds to make with the two-backed beast, off you go, kids! Finn? Mommy brought your toothbrush, your sleepy time tea (omg), and some jim-jams. Go learn how to bone your lady with the parents downstairs!
(Hiram, in a fabulous velvet jacket, reminds them that the key to a long marriage is to always moisturize before bed. Don’t you think Blaine will look handsome with a little grey over his ears like LeRoy? Me, too.) Burt and Carole toodle-oo, and Hiram says they’ll turn the music up loud so the kids don’t think they’re listening in. Hey, if they’re mature enough to get married, they can have relations in their house. Now go plow their little Rachelah!
Upstairs, Finn is stoked! Rachel isn’t quite there yet. She has a Kurt-level nighttime routine that she has to get started on. That’s cute! Except scoot over, because Finn needs to drop a few kids off at the pool, if you know what he means. WHAT!? Nice boys don’t poop!! Um, yes they do, and Finn doesn’t care, she can turn the fan on. Rachel gets angry and mentions how when she’s performing or in school and Finn…isn’t, that can be his poop time. This sets off a fight and the camera cuts to Daddies Berry, who clink champagne glasses. Ha!
It’s the Sugar Shack! Kurt is there early (in a fabulous burgundy quilted jacket, waistcoat, skinny tie, and delicious jeans [DRINK]) because he’s supposed to meet his “Secret Admirer” early. Oh, that Blaine! And there’s the gorilla coming in! Clearly that much taller than Kurt gorilla is Blaine. Clearly! Blaine pulls off the gorilla mask and IT. IS. KUROFSKY.
Oh, he’s in love with Kurt. (I can understand that. I can! I can’t understand him thinking Kurt would reciprocate. I digress.) Kurt wants to know how he can think anything could happen, what with all of the tormenting, name calling, physical abuse… What, they had a convo at Scandals and now Dave thinks there’s something there?
Dave is finally acknowledging who he is – he’s getting ready to come out, too — and he has Kurt to thank for it. And…Kurt’s pretty dreamy, come on. Dave takes Kurt’s hand. Kurt, being very nice, says that it’s sweet and all, but he’s with Blaine. They can be friends, though? Dave is upset, starts to flounce off when he runs into a thick-necked blonde dude (raise your hand if you thought they’d hook up). It’s someone Dave knows, Nick. And Nick overheard the exchange, and now Dave’s secret is out, it seems. Bum bum buuum!
Finchel is spooning in Rachel’s bed; they’ve evidently kissed and made up. They don’t want to dry hump in her room with the Fathers downstairs, so it’s off to the Sugar Shack they go! Hiram is frustrated by the lack of teen angst (LeRoy offers him a Xanax – after saying how he actually likes Carole after a few Chardonnays, ha.)
Hiram is just upset that they’re doing this reverse psychology thing in the first place. After all, “Honesty, respect, dance: these are the foundations of the Berry Family!” More Daddies Berry, please, they are my favorite. LeRoy doesn’t think Rachel will go through with it – they’ll put it off. It’s not that they dislike Finn, they just want them to wait. (Us, too.)
As Rachel and Finn leave, they tell the Fathers that they’ll wait until May, after Nationals. That’s when they’ll get married, yay! ‘Nite, Dads!
At the Sugar Shack, there is even more Britanna kissing and love [DRINK] and seriously, way to listen to the fanbase, writers/producers! Sugar points that there are more treats under everyone’s chairs (Not you, Artie. Go look in that potted plant) and it’s $200 gift certificates to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and Panda Express, whoo! Also, she would like to point out that her dad is not in the Mafia. Mm hm.
The God Squad show up and Joe says that God is love, so why wouldn’t he sing to Brittany for Santana? Nice work, kid. (Also, he’s a better actor out of the gate than Damien was.) He sings “Cherish” – a mash up of the original 50s number by The Association and Madonna’s early 90s number. It’s nice. Sugar tells Rory as they slow dance that she’ll miss him when he’s deported, but Rory doesn’t want to think about it. (Because…he’s not? Or is it that he’s too sad?)
Kurt sits alone while Britanna slow dance and kiss and are so damn sweet I’m getting a cavity. [DRINK] Sugar then introduces the next act, and….it’s Blaine! With a heart-shaped eye patch! He whips it off, Kurt is delighted beyond the telling, and Blaine starts singing “Love Shack,” by one of my favorite party bands, B-52s.
Now, if I may. This is a party band. They’re silly. It’s supposed to be silly. They have a song about butterbeans and Rock Lobsters and they wore satellites in their hair. Darren Criss’ voice – which y’all know I love – is wrong, wrong, wrong for this number. Fred Schnieder is what Paul Lynde would have sounded like if he could sing. I mean, okay. They clearly shoe-horned this performance in last minute, but they should have let Chris Colfer sing the song and vamp it up from the start. He sounds perfect on Kate Pierson’s [who sings the line live, which is how I like it], “Tin roof! Rusted!” though.
Beggars can’t be choosers, I suppose. (Side note: the group was formed at a Valentine’s Day Party in the 70s. Cute, right?)
And there was no Kliss. But hey, we didn’t think we’d get this much, what with Darren having been on Broadway, so at least Kurt wasn’t all by his lonesome on Valentine’s, right? Now Kurt isn’t living in his own Private Idaho. (That song and Quiche Lorraine are my faves. Wild Planet = party album of funtimes.
Finally the episode was dedicated to Whitney Houston, and we can start gearing up for next week: REGIONALS!
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