Ringer 1.13 – It’s Easy To Cry, When This Much Cash Is Involved

Bridget!Siobhan stops playing Girl Detective for a second to play the part of Juliet's normal (i.e., stripper pole dancing, pill snorting, crime boss corroborating, dead sister imitating) step-mom.

Bridget’s back for another ride with Solomon, Siobhan’s former chauffeur — a ride of ~mystery~!  See, Bridget!Siobhan explains she’s newly sober, and has “whole chunks of time” she can’t remember.  Solomon’s job is to drive her around and help her figure out how she was living her life.  Why can I not get anyone to do that for me?  I’d like to sit in the back of a limo and have other people bring me up to speed on myself.

Turns out Solomon drove Siobhan the last time on September 8th, the day before Bridget and Siobhan reunited/Siobhan staged her suicide.  They decide to hit all the spots again, and head to Bill Clinton’s office, excuse me, Siobhan’s office in Harlem.  The doorman reassures her that “We never listed your name or your office, Miss Farrell, just like you asked!”  It’s great he’s shouting that across the lobby to her.  Very discreet.

Up in the plush offices, we see Siobhan had a picture of herself and Bridget as kiddoes, and FINALLY, that picture of Siobhan and some ~mysterious~ toddler.  Toddlers are so mysterious on this show.  Often spoken about, seldom spotted!  Anyway, I’m guessing picture!toddler is d-e-a-d, and it was all Bridget’s narcotic-addicted fault, somehow.

Bridget’s so busy finding addresses on pieces of paper and stealing keys attached to silver fobs shaped like sailboats (what, now?) that she doesn’t realize Siobhan is there in the office!  Siobhan!  In the storage room!  With a gun!

But there’s no confrontation — honestly, how often do these two get within FIVE FEET of one another and no one finds out?  *hands*  Bridget gets in the front with Solomon, who does not recognize the key fob, and does not recognize this new non-snobby Siobhan.  That Bridget.  She’s a woman of the people, sitting up with chauffeurs and all.

“I cannot believe you let Bridget be you,” Henry rails, and that’s just the whole series in a nutshell, isn’t it?  Except Siobhan claims it was ALL BRIDGET’S IDEA, which really is thinking on her feet.  She claims Bridget and Charlie got greedy, and they kidnapped Gemma and hurt her — so really, they’re responsible for ruining Henry’s life, not Siobhan.  And hey, she’s got a way to steal the big bucks from Andrew and let her and puffy!Henry be together forever.  She seems genuine about it.  But this may or may not be a sincere plan.  Because, really, puffy!Henry?

Anyway, getting the key back is the “key” to solving all their problems!  *mashes cymbal*

Juliet’s getting attorney coached for her big trial against Mr. Carpenter.  But as she recounts that terrible night of possible-forced possible-sex, she messes up on the details of Mr. Carpenter’s creepy ways.  Her mother Catherine (…did Andrew not throw her out forever?  Just for an evening, then?  Okay.) flails that no one will believe Juliet if she can’t freaking keep her story straight.

Olivia shows up at Puffy!Henry’s with a gift for the boys — monogrammed Egyptian cotton pajamas.  Because that’s what every three year old wants, luxurious nightwear.  Henry knows something is up, though, and he tells her to be a little more creative about her gold-digging of his wealthy father-in-law ways.  Then, whoops, Olivia gets creative — with blackmail!  I’m ready to roll my eyes at the very tame photo we saw Olivia copy from Henry’s phone weeks ago — when, guess what, it’s become a much racier sexy sex photo.  That’s what happens when you take data back to the UK — it just gets sexed up.  She’ll delete the photo when Henry delivers her Aberghast on a plate!  A plate of money.  And lies.

Solomon takes Bridget to the next stop on the how-Siobhan-spent-her-afternoons tour of mystery.  They head to a place called Hot Coffee & Cool Books, where apparently Siobhan would sit at a table for hours, making wishes on pieces of paper stuffed into a locked desk.  Really!  Bridget tries the sailboat-key, but jimmies the lock when that doesn’t fly.  Two seconds later, she finds a note from Siobhan saying, “I wish I could forgive my sister.  But I can’t.  9-8-11.” Because everyone dates their bitter confessionals so the subject of said confessionals can be struck by the irony of said confession’s juxtaposition to their pretend!suicide.  Just play along like all this makes sense, okay?

“My sister lied to me,” Bridget tells Solomon, who seems like he could frankly give all of this adventure and angst a miss.  “I wonder what else she lied to me about.”  How about EVERYTHING, Bridget?  Can you wrap your head around that, girl?

Catherine clothes-coaches Juliet for her court date.  Wow, how on earth did they get that case to court so fast?  That’s just the New York City judicial system at work, my friends.  And if you believe that, there’s a wonderful bridge in this little borough called Brooklyn I might be able to sell you.  Catherine and Bridget!Siobhan look at each other as though they’re having a slap fight over Juliet with their eyes.  Juliet completely plays Bridget (because, come on, can this be all sincerity?) saying she wishes she had a normal mom.  You know, someone who used to be an addict and a stripper and on the lam from a Reservation Crime Boss.  Normal.

Siobhan and Henry lounge around after sex in spa robes, just so Siobhan can leave the room and have Henry answer her Skype call from Tyler!  Tyler is all, shut-down-manly-face-of-PAIN as he realizes that Siobhan is fooling around on him with a smarmy bad writer.

Siobhan shows her talent for thinking on her feet, and waves away Henry’s jealousy over handsome!Tyler.  Tyler’s just helping her incriminate her husband!  Because he works for her husband!  And so wants to incriminate him!  And they’re obviously not sleeping together or pretending he’s the father of her baby, what what what?

Juliet leaves the courtroom, having given a marvelous performance on the stand.  Her nice friend Andrea hugs her, and Catherine and Bridget!Siobhan have a Moment in which Bridget hands out mothering tips.  Like, take your kid ice-skating.  That will resolve any tension left over from you saying you are declaring them dead and burning their baby pics, right?

In the bathroom, Tessa tells Juliet she can’t testify against Mr. Carpenter after all.  Turns out she made up the story about him forcing her to have sex, because she wanted to get back at him for siding with Juliet and being meeaaaaan to her.  Juliet runs after her when Tessa storms off, and Andrea sneaks out of the bathroom stall where she’d been eavesdropping and heard everything, everything!

The case against Mr. Carpenter has to be dropped because Tessa backed out.  More bad news, Carpenter’s suing Andrew.  Andrew is shocked, because unlike the rest of this he didn’t spot that defamation lawsuit coming from a mile away.  Catherine, who is randomly not at all drunk this entire episode, thinks they should settle.  If they pay Carpenter off, they can let everything blow over and have Juliet start over somewhere new — new friends, a new school, and didn’t Juliet just start over at this school?

Solomon ferries Bridget!Siobhan to the next stop on the This Is Siobhan’s Life! ~mystery~ tour, which is, of course, a gun range.  The guy who works there totally recognizes Bridget!Siobhan, which means that the real Siobhan likes to unwind by emptying a bunch of bullets into a paper target.  Okay.  Bridget starts trying lockers with her sailboat key, because that’s sure to lead to the resolution of this mystery (you know, more than speaking to people who actually knew/observed/were paid by Siobhan).

Siobhan!Siobhan — and they are getting harder to tell apart, because hair-and-make-up lines are starting to blur, my goodness — pfftttt hand-waves Tyler’s anger over seeing puffy!be-robed!Henry on his call by claiming Henry is her brother.  That’s right.  Her brother.  What a tangled web we weave, Siobhan!  Tyler believes her utterly, because he is the chump to end all chumps.  And by the way, people are noticing he’s accessing a ton of confidential documents, so maybe he can stop doing that?  Siobhan!Siobhan clutches her stomach, and Tyler realizes he’s trapped helping her because of his love for his (not) baby.

Back at the shooting range, and hey, who’s that on the wall?  Why, it’s dead Charlie-sometimes-called-John!  Bridget!Siobhan takes the picture of it she snapped with her phone back to Solomon, who tells her that guy was totally her bestie-gun-buddy.  So Bridget realizes that Siobhan knew Charlie.  Um.  Sometimes I need a scorecard to mark how far behind Bridget is, y’all.

Bridget!Siobhan agrees with Catherine that Andrew should settle.  Meanwhile, Juliet gets back from ice-skating with Catherine, and that has completely ironed out all those pesky forced-sex trauma issues.

Henry’s wrangled his father-in-law into meeting with Olivia.  Pere Aberghast, father of Gemma, grandfather of the seldom-seen-twins, wants to know if Henry thinks he should invest with the company.  Because when you are deciding what to do with your billions, ask an unsuccessful writer.

Olivia says she’ll erase the picture of Henry and Siobhan looking super sexy.  Henry drops her phone in a pitcher of water to make sure.  That is…actually the smartest thing I’ve seen Henry do thus far, were it not for the fact that I bet Olivia has a bajillion copies of that picture ferreted away on some or other zip drive.

Bridget!Siobhan tells Solomon she’s been snooping around in his past.  Those dog tags hanging from his rear view are totally for real; he’s a war hero.  And that absolutely sucks, that I really do believe a war hero would find that driving a limo is his only job opportunity.  She wants to hire him to protect her, because “someone’s trying to kill me.”  It would be fun if he actually thought she was crazy at this point, but his squinty-suspicious look says he’s going to take her seriously, damn it.

Siobhan sneaks into, well, her own apartment with Andrew.  She has some gorgeous red-black gloves on — this season, even searching accoutrements are going glamorous!  Andrew comes in and treats her like she’s Bridget!Siobhan, when of course she is Siobhan!Siobhan, and they’re both so confused that when Siobhan scuttles away it seems the most sensible way to resolve the situation.

Juliet and Tessa are hanging out in a hotel room, raiding the mini bar for snacks.  Okay, so they’re pals now — and there’s a knock at the door.  It’s Mr. Carpenter with celebratory booze!  Because, and may I say WHAT THE HELL, this apparently was a scam cooked up by all three of them to get Juliet back some of her trust fund moolah, let Tessa not be so totally poor, and I guess set up Mr. Carpenter for a life of leisure on a third-rate tropical island somewhere?  Awww, they completely played Juliet’s nice friend Andrea into helping their scheme along.  Everyone compliments Tessa on her realistic weeping, and she modestly says, “It’s easy to cry, when this much cash is involved,” giving title to someone other than Juliet!  *cue applause*

Even though Juliet has wads and wads of cash back, she’s still not happy, because Tessa is very flirty with Mr. Carpenter.  Whom Juliet still wants for herself, after accusing him of forcing sex on her.  Um.  I was supposed to walk away with the vibe that might turn into a three-way, right?  In any case, I am annoyed that Juliet was lying after all, but I admit I didn’t see this rationale behind the lying coming at. all.  I’m still trying to decide how I feel about it.

Bridget’s back at the apartment, looking for the sailboat key fob that she stole from Siobhan’s office, and which Siobhan consequently stole back from her.  Andrew mentions, “You seemed a bit distant, like I’d done something to upset you,” and Bridget absolutely positively DOES NOT COTTON ON that he’s talking about seeing her earlier when she was, you know, not there.  She kisses him passionately, and he lets go of all suspicions, while we all hope that Bridget will take on some suspicions, but no such luck.

Siobhan tells Henry she’s going back to Paris.  To talk to the head of European operations, of course, and totally not to string along another guy who thinks he’s her baby daddy.  Henry happens to mention Olivia was blackmailing him, and Siobhan says darkly, “You should have come to me first.”  Which, honestly, he really, really should have, because Siobhan is the only one on this show who might be able to think her way out of a paper bag.

Back in PARIS, FRANCE, Tyler’s chatting with someone from the Securities Exchange Commission, because he wants to tell him there might be some bad naughty transactions afoot at the company.  And again, you should have consulted Siobhan first, Tyler!  Even if you think she’s Cora Farrell!  Sorry, I just have to remind us all of everyone’s aliases on occasion, because lord knows the characters still haven’t untangled them all.

Solomon checks out Siobhan’s office along with Bridget!Siobhan, and spots footprints, immediately knowing from the placement (because he is a war hero, folks) that “this woman planted herself almost as if she’s watching you.”  Bridget looks shocked while I shriek at her to put it all together, but apparently high-heel prints in dust are enough to make her mind go kerplooey for the week.

Siobhan tells Henry, “Your father in law is about to lose a lot of money” with Martin Charles.  She opens a safe deposit box container, and Henry listens to some kind of recording.  He’s totally shocked at something he’s hearing!  And we have to wait until next week to get any sort of inkling about what that may be!