I use the exclamation point in the title with absolute irony. I had a cocktail for this episode – here’s how that works. I’m spoiler free. I get an idea of what the episode is about from the promos and make up a drink. I feel that playing the drinking game is wholly inappropriate for this show, much like “Funeral” from season two. There were some extremely touchy subjects tonight (suicidal thoughts/actions) so there’s a warning. But god.damn, when this show wants to tell something, it does, and it does it in an almost breathtaking fashion.
Long story short, this was amazing television. If you hurt, they did it right.
Rachel and Kurt sort through wedding magazines, Rachel excited for her upcoming wedding to Finn. She points out a gown, telling Kurt, “This is timeless!”
Kurt picks at his nails. “Wanna test that? By say, waiting ten years?”
And then Sebastian shows up at the Lima Bean, because he’s secretly put a beacon on all of them. Kurt is beyond disgusted at the sight of him, as well he should be. Sebastian has the balls to ask about “Gay Cyclops.” Guys? Hold me back. He hands Rachel a crudely photoshopped picture of Finn, naked, with the threat of releasing it on the Internet if New Directions – Rachel in particular – doesn’t drop out of the competition.
Kurt pinches his nostrils – the smell of desperation is just wafting off Sebastian. Whatever, Seb says, you dress like the Parade Marshall at a Puerto Rican Gay Pride. Kurt shakes his head, “Sorry, I was ignoring you by virtue of the hypnotic trance I fell in due to your enormous horse teeth.”
Sebastian says 24 hours, blah blah, I’m horrible and should be put in jail.
Finn hears about this and threatens to kill him. Artie points out all the rules he’s breaking when Blaine helpfully points out that nothing was done when he was almost blinded, so… (Oh, my poor sweet Baboo!) Rachel tells them all to suck it up, because she’s not bargaining with terrorists. The kid stays in the picture, er, competition. Well, that’s just great. Finn gets to be humiliated so she can put something else on her NYADA application. (Uh oh, trouble in paradise!)
Meanwhile, Sue calls Quinn in to tell her that she is With Child. She’s on some touchy bovine hormones to keep the embryo implanted, isn’t that a kick? Quinn tries to share some helpful hints, but Sue isn’t really interested, she just wanted to spread the news. Oh, and to tell Quinn that she’s a quitter, so there’s no way she’s getting back on the Cheerios. Aaaaand that’s the smell of a grease trap, so pear-donay-you, Sue needs to blow chunks.
Kurt finds Blaine on stage, upset. He doesn’t want to talk about any of this Sebastian stuff, he wants Kurt’s opinion on a number he’s working on for Regionals. Kurt takes a seat and one of the most moving montages on the show starts. As Blaine sings “Cough Syrup” by Young the Giant (horrible name, outstanding song) we see Karofsky at his new school’s weight room. He walks in slow motion, proud, smiling, nodding at his teammates who are not returning his smiles.
Blaine (Darren) sounds wonderful, belting out the song about life being too short, wanting to break out of an oppressive society, and longing. A cry for help, if you will. And as Dave walks farther into the room, his smile fades from his face as a crowd forms behind him. Someone has spray painted the F word in pink on his locker. The crowd begins jeering, shoving him into lockers, threatening him. He’s absolutely shocked and crying as he leaves.
As Blaine continues to sing his frustrations, we then see Dave laying out a suit and testing the strength of a belt. Oh, Dave. He logs on to his computer to find his Facebook wall covered in slurs and taunts and just hate. He dresses himself, drags a chair to the closet, crying, and we see him step on the chair. This is such a delicate subject for me, I just can’t even begin. Max Adler (Dave Karofsky) did an outstanding job showing his absolute desolation. Emmy nom time, truly.
Cut to Figgins’ office where Beiste, Emma, Will, and Sue all sit with somber faces. We’re told (thankfully) that it was a failed attempt, but they need to be careful in how they tell the school about it. Sue sits across from everyone crying. She tries to blame the hormones, but really, it’s that she feels like she could have done more. She knew there was something wrong with Dave last year.
Will interjects with how they all were too worried he was going to hurt Kurt to look too closely at why he was bullying Kurt. Sue, choked up, says she just can’t get the image of Paul, Dave’s father, finding him. (Cut to a scene of Paul kneeling by Dave, shaking him and screaming and yep, there go my tears again.)
There’s an emergency meeting of the God Squad with the intention of having a prayer for Dave. Quinn interjects with his family deserving the prayers, not Dave. She’s mad at him for being so selfish, that he wanted to hurt others. No, no he didn’t, Quinn, he wanted to stop hurting and he didn’t THINK.
Kurt happens to be in the doorway and tells her as much, and that she doesn’t understand. Oh, but Quinn got pregnant in Season One she– “Let me stop you right there,” Kurt says. No one stopped loving her (except her dad). She didn’t have the same kind of self-loathing and despair that Dave felt. She starts to say that she can’t imagine doing the same, and that’s kind of Kurt’s point. Have some compassion. For god’s sake, there are still messages of hate being put on Dave’s Facebook after his attempt.
Kurt starts crying; he feels responsible. Dave had called him a few times after Valentine’s Day, and Kurt ignored the calls. (We see that there were nine of them.) If only he’d answered. If only he’d…
Finn and Rachel hug in the hallway, Finn quick to reassure Rachel that he’d never do that. They both decide that Rachel will stay in the competition, Finn won’t care about the pictures, and hey, life is too short, they should get married on Saturday after Regionals. (Oh, no. No, you shouldn’t.)
Sebastian sits alone at the Lima Bean when Santana, Brittany, Kurt, and Blaine show up en masse. Santana is about to grab a blade from her hair when Sebastian asks them to sit down, looking shaken up. He first apologizes to Blaine (who couldn’t care less, pleasing Kurt) and then saying that he has no excuses for his behavior. Consider the blackmail off.
He wants to dedicate their performances to raising money for Lady Gaga’s Born This Way foundation in Dave’s name. (Kurt is more than a little upset with Sebastian doing this.) We flash to Dave approaching Sebastian at a club, trying to flirt clumsily, when Sebastian shuts him down brutally.
“You’re fat, stop waxing your brows, and do us all a favor: stay in the closet.”
The gang is on the stage with Will, who is holding a jar of peanut butter. He explains that Rory has never had it before, and hands him a spoon. The point being that there are still things in life you’ve not done that you can look forward to. It can be something simple or something grand. Even Will thought of suicide when he was their age.
Kurt looks shocked, worried that this is a clumsy attempt of Schuester’s to teach a lesson. Unfortunately, no. Flashback scenes are intercut with Will explaining about his day that he thought (then) was the worst ever. He walked up to the roof, prepared to jump to his death. But something kept him from doing it, and he’s glad. His whole life has been filled with meaningful relationships, including all of them.
He asks them all to go around the circle and say what they have to look forward to (and if I may, Will Schuester became an excellent teacher in this moment.)
- Sam: buy my parents a house
- Mercedes: meet Rachel’s children
- Artie: watch my kids walk
- Sugar: duh, Sex In The City 3 (haha)
- Puck: he actually wants to graduate high school
- Finn: petition the army to change his dad’s record from dishonorable to honorable discharge (aww)
- Quinn: Valedictorian of Yale
- Santana: for mi abuela to not hate me any more (oh, Santana!!)
- Brittany: for Lord Tubbington to kick his ecstasy addiction (hahaha)
- Blaine: marriage equality in all 50 states (Kurt beams at this)
- Mike: my first dance performance at Carnegie
- Tina: um, to get a song? (ha!)
- Kurt: to see how amazing my dad is going to be as a Congressman
- Rachel: to be friends with everyone forever (really?)
- Rory: winning at Regionals
Way to bring it around to the next scene, kid. (A little clumsy, writers.)
Speaking of, we’re introduced to our judges, a respectable looking woman, Melba Jackson-Wright, the President of the Plumber’s Union Hall Beindorf (ha) and then the stunt casting, Sven Goobles, the wanna-be Elvira host of the local Late Night Horror Show. (Finn gasps in excitement at this, ha!)
We see that the writers have noticed the lack of parental support and have the Berrys and Hudson-Hummels in attendance. Aww!
The Warblers are first up, and let me get this out here right now: Grant Gustin, while cute and a terrific dancer when given the chance, cannot carry a solo performance. He’s just lackluster. They start singing “Stand” by Lenny Kravitz. I’m sorry, but Lenny Kravitz. Things that made me happy about this performance: Blaine begrudgingly smiling at his friends. Trent “Chubby Warbler and keeper of my heart” Nixon doing his smirky head dance and sliding across the stage like the groove thang he is, Beatbox still in school (they’re failing him to keep at Dalton).
Finn stands, clapping, encouraging everyone else to stand up and detract from the meh performance on stage, even though he’s really just trying to be supportive. When the song ends, Sebastian announces to everyone to look for the Dalton baskets being passed around, because he’s awesome and thoughtful and Kurt narrows his eyes at him because Kurt is awesome.
The next song they sing is “Glad You Came,” and again, meh. You can’t even hear the other Warblers, it’s all Grant on ADR. They do a slo-mo dance so a Warbler with a receding hairline can front, not-David can flex (Oh, David. I miss your cute grin.) and Trent “seriously, he’s adorable” Nixon can slide and shimmy his way into our hearts. Oh, too late. (Love that kid.)
Next to perform is the Golden Goblets from My Lady of Perpetual Sorrows, all dressed in RenFaire gowns. And then they perform “She Walks In Beauty” by Lord Byron in true Renaissance fashion. Uh…
Cut to Puck freaking out, because he admires all singers, really, and Will tells them all to get in a show circle and calm down. They are going to win this thing! (Seriously, not a lot of competish, gang.) Finn tells everyone that after they perform, Rachel and he are heading to the JP to get married, and they’d like everyone to come. Rachel looks pointedly at Quinn and Kurt, hoping they’ll still come. And they’re doing it because “Life’s too short, right Mr. Schue?” Uh… And hey, y’all decided to do that before Will talked about peanut butter, huh?
Rachel takes center stage to sing a mash up of “Fly/I Believe I Can Fly” by Nicki Minaj and R. Kelly, sounding lovely as per usual. The rest of the group joins in, Santana hits a “yo,” Blaine raps (oh, um… Darren? You’re not actually gangsta. I love you still, don’t worry.), and the Fathers Berry are beside themselves with joy and pride at their little girl. We also see Sue sneak in, smiling. (What the hell are in those hormones?)
Their second song is performed by the TroubleTones, Kelly Clarkson’s “What Doesn’t Kill You (Makes You Stronger)” and laws, do I love Kelly Clarkson’s voice. The trade off of leads with Mercedes and Santana is outstanding, and even Brit gets a few lines. Well done, ladies.
Their final number is Halestorms’s “Here’s To Us” with Rachel again on lead. I wasn’t sure about this song, it sounded a little countrified, but Lea opened up halfway through and I didn’t have to worry about her rich and complex voice going to waste. Daddy Hyrum (Jeff Goldbum) goes bananas, crying in wonder at his child. (Don’t they sing together every day? He’s just the emotional father, isn’t he?) Most of the guys appear on the balconies to bring the backup for the ladies and it’s nice. I’m not wowed, but it’s nice. Finn and Rachel are clearly singing to each other, totally in love. Aww.
Please don’t get married.
A huge crypt is rolled out to reveal Sven the Vampire. Check the face on Burt and Carole, so over this. Ha! He does a Dracula thing and announces that the Golden Goblets are third (duh) and the Warblers are second (double duh) meaning McKinley is off to Nationals. YAY! We knew it was coming, but still. Yay Nationals! And then Blaine Anderson, the most dapper of gentlemen, steps across the stage to shake Sebastian’s hand. Good kid.
Quinn goes to Sue’s office after the performance at Sue’s behest. Sue doesn’t know what’s up with her, if it’s the Dave thing or her hormones, but she’s proud of Quinn. In fact, she admires her and thinks she’s pretty amazing for all of her non-Sueness. And Sue wants her back on the Cheerios to take them to Nationals. Quinn is all over that!
She gets in her uniform, sashays down the hall past Kurt and Blaine (who are holding hands, aww) when Blaine says, “Hey, Fabray, looking good!” Ha ha! Love it. She then sees Rachel and tells her that she can tell Rachel and Finn are happy (and apparently these two are besties now) and she’ll be there for Rachel’s wedding. Aww!
Kurt goes to the hospital to see Dave (I assume this is in between Regionals and the JP Office.) He has flowers and asks Dave if it’s okay to come in. Dave, his voice broken (oh, I can’t stand to think why) says that he’s not on 72-hour watch anymore, so he gets to go home soon.
Kurt, tearing up, tells him that’s great. And then he lets it out. “I’m really happy you’re alive, David. I should have returned your calls!”
Why, when Dave treated him the way he did? Dave knew that he’d made Kurt’s life miserable. He couldn’t handle it for a week. “I lost my supposed best friend. My mom tells me I have a disease,” he chokes out, crying openly.
Kurt tells him to go to another school. It’s going to suck, but there are people who love him and will care for him. Kurt’s one of them. “You’ll get through this.” He takes Dave’s hand, and I’m just a sobbing mess at the goodness and kind soul that is Kurt Hummel. (When not confronted with fashion horrors or vocal atrocities, of course. He’s only human.)
But Kurt is a good kid with a kind heart, and it makes sense that the kid who forgave his tormentor would come to the hospital after a suicide attempt.
He tells Dave to think of the future, of what he has to look forward to. Dave can’t, so Kurt helps him. It’s 10 years from now, he’s got an amazing office in the city of his dreams as a sports agent. His handsome partner brings their son to the office – they’re taking him to his first football game. Dave is so grateful for Kurt’s friendship. They hold hands and I am absolutely touched.
(To you folks who think this means Kurt is in love with David, um… No. He is being a good person, that’s what that is.)
Sue sends her congratulations to Will, who shockingly accepts it. She then tells him to congratulate her, because she’s pregnant. (I’m still holding out that this is her craziness.) Will hugs her, and they make a pact to get the Gleeks to win Nationals with Sue’s help – she knows a thing or two about winning, after all. Yep, there is something crazy in those bovine hormones she’s taking.
We close out at the JP’s Office where Burt is freaking out, trying to figure out how to stop this. Hyrum’s on board with any cockamamie plan they can cook up. (Hyrum and LeRoy both point out that the only person who can stop this now is Barbra. But she’s shopping in her private, underground mall. Ha.)
Unfortunately, Rachel and Finn are ready to go, Rachel in a simple white gown, Finn marveling at his luck. She gets a text from Quinn saying that she had to race home for her dress, she’ll be right there. Quinn, I should note, is texting while driving. This cannot end well.
Everyone looks a little glum (minus the bride and groom) as “Going To The Chapel” plays. They’re waiting for Quinn, but impatiently. Finn tells them that they have to go now or lose their slot. Rachel frantically texts Quinn, “Where are you??” to which Quinn begins to answer. Not looking. When a huge truck barrels into the driver’s side door.
We have to wait until April 10th to find out what happens, and let me just say two things:
One: NO SPOILERS. Speculation and current show talk is fine. NO SPOILERS.
Two: NO HATING. This whole site is about fannish love for a show. If you hate Glee, go somewhere else, please. You can be unhappy about something, but if you find that you’re dedicating a 1000 word comment to how much you hate Finchel (or whatever) this isn’t the place for you, either.
I thought this was very good storytelling, I thought Max Adler was outstanding (and Chris Colfer owns me heart and soul. Oh, that kid!), and even Will had some amazing moments as an educator.
So let’s talk. I promise to hold your hand if you need it. (As long as you promise to hold mine.)