Ringer 1.14 – Whores Don’t Make That Much

Bridget frisks Andrew as Siobhan -- but she longs to frisk him as Bridget!

Malcolm’s back in town, in time to join Bridget in finding out someone’s cleared Siobhan’s formerly well-appointed Secret Office of ~Mystery~.  They discuss how the person who left high-heel footprints in that dusty dusty storage space must have taken everything, including the stupid sailboat key fob, completely ignoring the obvious solution that SIOBHAN IS STILL TOTALLY ALIVE, OKAY?!   To be fair, Malcolm and Bridget were pretty distracted by becoming GPS phone app besties.  Wherever they go, whatever they do, they’re gonna go through it togeeeether!

Andrew and his ex Catherine debate if Miami would be a fresh start for Juliet.  Gee, it might not be the most responsible thing to let your daughter go off with her probably-still-alcoholic mom, Andrew.  This is a show just stuffed with addicts, I tell you what.

You’re probably wondering how Juliet, Tessa, and Mr. Carpenter have been spending their three-way split of the 10 million dollar settlement.  Juliet watches in horror as Tessa arrives at school — in her brand new cahhhrrr!  Tessa says proudly she still has 3 mill left after buying her SUV; let’s see how that works out for her after she’s paid to park that thing for a year.

Malcolm shows up at Martin Charles ready for a day of being awesome and handsome at his new job, only to spot Henry waiting in Andrew’s office like a creeper.  Henry claims if Andrew isn’t a crook, he’ll cash out Andrew’s investment.  Andrew’s offended, and Malcolm hears the entire thing just outside the door, because no one in this financial firm gives a fig for confidentiality!  I mean, close a door, people.  How hard is it?

Bridget gets a call confirming her floral delivery to 1947 Main, a standing order since 2007 — oh ho, so that random address from last week means something!  It’s in Paterson, New Jersey, and now I’m resisting the urge to quote William Carlos Williams at you.

When Bridget!Siobhan visits the address, it turns out the recipient of the annual flower gift is Sean’s — that’s Bridget’s deceased nephew/Siobhan’s deceased son, Sean, in case you’ve gotten tangled in these twisted storylines — anyway, it’s Sean’s grandmother.  As soon as Bridget cottons on, she runs like hell.  And do we see yet why these little uninformed jaunts into murky circumstances are not such a hot idea, Bridget?

We finally get the flashback (7 years ago, Lake Tahoe) giving us an idea what the hell happened to baby Sean.  Bridget’s playing with him in the kitchen, and all of a sudden it’s deadbeat-dad-turned-wanna-do-right-father-of-Sean Misha Collins!  I mean, his name is Dylan, but I barely caught that over the stampeding of thousands of Supernatural fans sprinting to watch Ringer just for this one episode.  Bridget’s sympathetic to his attempts to gain a place in his son’s life, but Siobhan is not having it at all, and wants him arrested for trespassing if he dares turn up again.

Juliet skips 6th period (tsk, tsk) to meet with her former teacher, accused rapist, and partner-in-fraud Mr. Carpenter.  She tells him Tessa’s not following the plan they’d all agreed on, to lay low and not do anything showy with the money.  Hell, Tessa’s even being lowbrow enough to hide the money under her bed!  Mr. Carpenter gets a steely look in his eyes and says, “I’ll take care of it.”  Oh, Tessa is as good as killed already.

Bridget!Siobhan, Andrew, and Juliet have an awkward family dinner (“We seriously need to get a TV in here, it’s like church quiet,” Juliet points out), so that Bridget can flashback to taking care of Sean all the time while Siobhan was working to support the three of them.  Dylan/Misha shows up in the scene with free passes to the county fair, wanting to take Bridget and Sean.  Siobhan will never, ever know!  Except if there’s a tragic accident, of course.  Then she might find out.  Bridget’s been raised to never miss a chance to go to a county fair, so she defies Siobhan’s express wish to keep toddler Sean away from Dylan, and skips out with visions of fried dough dancing in her head.

Bridget’s worry she’s a bad mom-substitute has her arguing to Andrew maybe Juliet should go to Miami.  I think it is nuts to send Juliet off with the woman who so recently held a photo-burning funeral for her.  But that’s just me.

Henry texts Siobhan he’s gotten his moolah out of Martin-Charles.  Siobhan’s not happy with the news of Malcolm working there, and tells Henry to be his new boyfriend — er, I mean, “to stay on top of him.”  Ahem.

Juliet nurses an enormous coffee on the school steps only to find out Tessa got the bleached-blonde beaten out of her last night, by some guy who also stole the SUV.  Tessa’s now in the unfortunate and classic plot-driven medically induced coma.

The doorman sends up a deliveryman with flowers to Bridget!Siobhan, but of course it’s Dylan, returning the flowers his mother got.  He warns her to stay away, and spits out that he’s left her alone since the night he got the crap beaten out of him by some random guys in Tahoe.  Oh, Siobhan set that one up?  That’s one way to keep a man from a funeral.  Bridget!Siobhan realizes he’s married, probably with kids, and lets him have it at how much he’s hurt, well, Bridget.  Not bothering to realize that so wouldn’t be Siobhan’s MO, Dylan leaves in a huff.

Juliet goes to visit expertly-made-up crap-knocked-out-of-her Tessa.  Her foster mom turns up to point out, “One day the kid can’t afford to ride the subway, the next she’s got a brand new SUV.  I thought she was turning tricks, but whores don’t make that much.”  *pauses for getting-title applause*  And hey, whoever beat up Tessa didn’t steal other stuff of value in the house — just the SUV, and whatever was under Tessa’s bed.  Oh, Misterrrr Carpenterrr!

Flashback to Bridget and Dylan with Sean in the backseat seven years ago, driving back from that county fair in the pouring accident-causing rain.  He wants to ask her something, and she cuts him off if he’s thinking about asking for a date:  “Siobhan and I have a very strict policy of not dating guys the other one’s dumped.”  Where’s that policy now that you’ve found true love with Siobhan’s scorned husband Andrew, Bridget?

Anyway, he only wants her to testify on his behalf in the custody case for Sean — which seems like a pretty big betrayal of Siobhan should Bridget agree.  As he rattles on about how Bridget gets him, a car crashes into them, and you can guess what happened from there.  I can see why Siobhan blamed Bridget; the kid should never have left the apartment, and this chain of events should never have happened.

Still angry over Dylan’s visit, Bridget stalks him outside his home in suburbia, only to find him inside playing with his wife and little girl.  Her plan to interrupt this lovely family scene with a brick and shattered glass is interrupted when Malcolm catches her wrist:  “You need to tell me what’s going on.”  That GPS bestie thing totally worked out!

Bridget remembers the day of Sean’s funeral, when Siobhan slapped her so hard and told her she wasn’t welcome there.  Bridget pleads it was an accident, that the other driver had fallen asleep at the wheel.  But Siobhan had no time for this — “At least Dylan was smart enough not to show his face.”  Probably because that gang of guys Siobhan hired jumped him, I’m just saying.

The year after Sean’s death, Bridget tells Malcolm, the drinking became hardcore, and then she turned to drugs, and invariably became a stripper/exotic dancer indebted to a Reservation Crime Boss.  That old chestnut!  She tells him about the note she discovered from Siobhan, proving her sister didn’t mean to forgive her.  “But she said it, Bridget, because she saw you were in pain and she wanted to help,” Malcolm insists.

Andrew walks into Juliet’s room to find her reading the news story about Tessa and weeping.  When she tearfully says she wishes she had a do-over, he offers the hypothetical solution of her going to live in Miami.

Malcolm arrives at work to find Henry wants to be his stalker, er, pal, because Siobhan said to keep an eye on him.  Henry wants Malcolm to help with his home computer, and Malcolm a freaking PROFESSOR OF COMPUTER SCIENCE, pauses to digest this latest indignity to his learned status.  Sure, he’ll help you with your little Ctrl-Alt-Del problem, Henry!  Not at all diminishing his abilities!  But then Malcolm spots the dumb sailboat keyring Bridget kept talking about when Henry throws it onto the table, and it is ON.  I mean, Malcolm’s agreed to be Henry’s home computer fixer-upper.

Juliet’s quest for another enormous cup of coffee is interrupted when Mr. Carpenter pulls her into an alley.  He claims he’s not the guy who hurt her, and seems surprised by the news that Tessa’s share of the money was stolen.  “You need to tell me everything you know, Juliet, right now!”  Juliet understandably freaks out, because wow, the number done on Tessa, and runs like hell.  She does stop on the way to phone someone and say, “We need to talk, your plan is getting out of control.”  There’s ANOTHER layer to all of this?

Bridget!Siobhan shows up to make things right with Dylan, telling him she almost destroyed his bay window with a well-placed brick, but now she forgives him.  He’s genuinely choked up, saying “thank you,” with difficulty.  It’s so much of a relief to get forgiveness at long last that he fails to notice that Siobhan would neeevverrrr apologize for this kind of thing, because everyone else is always wrong and she is right righty right right!

Andrew tells Bridget!Siobhan on her return that even if Juliet wants a change of scenery, she’s with the right family, living with them.  As soon as he’s gone, Bridget calls Malcolm to tell him she gave forgiveness to Dylan as Siobhan, but wanted to do it as herself, Bridget.  “Are you saying you want to be Bridget again?” Malcolm exclaims disbelievingly.  “I know I can’t — yet,” Bridget hedges, and wow, this will take us down yet another excitingly tangled path of drama-rama!

Juliet sits on a park bench, telling someone how scared she was that Mr. Carpenter was going to kill her, how everything Mr. Carpenter did to Tessa was all Juliet’s fault.  “This whole thing was your idea,” Juliet exclaims.  “The fake assault.  The lawsuit.  All of it!  And now it’s falling apart.”  Who wants to bet she’s talking to Catherine — yes, it’s Catherine, ready to tell her daughter it’s all going to be okay!  And I imagine she can say that because Catherine is the one who got Tessa practically put into a coma and is now presumably going to kill Mr. Carpenter for an additional third of the settlement money.  Oh, this has no potential at all to go terribly, terribly wrong!  *rubs hands together*