Ringer 1.15 – P.S. You’re An Idiot

Puffy!Henry gets to have some smarmy fun at Bridget!Siobhan's expense, ho ho!

Double your Ringer pleasure, double your Ringer fun!  No, we’re not riffing on Chris Brown’s adver-song shilling for Doublemint Gum; we’re celebrating the angst-doubling for Siobhan as she finds out (in PARIS, FRANCE!) that she’s pregnant with twins.  Just like she and Bridget are twins!  Just like Henry and dead-Gemma’s children (who have doubtless been locked away somewhere in their monogrammed jimmies, as we’ve not spotted them in forever) are twins!  In case you missed the prevailing Ringer theme-hammering here, TWINS!

Andrew thinks it is not at all contradictory that his wife, who as Siobhan!Siobhan formerly loved crappy romances like The Notebook, somehow now (as Bridget!Siobhan) touts Summer Camp Slasher as her new fave film.  Just to muck up the twisted threads of the main plot needlessly, we get some convoluted side story about when she first saw this movie during an adolescent-first-love-at-camp experience — but then Bridget said it wasn’t really her in the story, it was her sister.  So, wait, did Siobhan get the huge candy gem ring at camp and Bridget!Siobhan lied and said it was her, or did Bridget get it, and Siobhan said it was her (and now Bridget is saying she lied because it was her sister, i.e., REALLY HER?).

No time to keep track of that nonsense now, because Andrew’s slipping the huge candy rock ring on Bridget!Siobhan’s hand (ew, sticky) and asking her to marry him again!

Guess what, the conception dates Siobhan thought she had are completely wrong!  This means Andrew might be the father of these twins, rather than Henry. Or, wouldn’t it be fun if one was Andrew’s, one Henry’s?  I wouldn’t put it past this show, seriously.

Andrew and Bridget!Siobhan gross out Juliet at the breakfast table, but not so much that she refuses the chance to be the maid of honor.  Hey now, it’s that terrible cad Mr. Carpenter!  He’s mad the NYPD dropped by, because he didn’t beat Tessa up.  At this point after the end of the last episode we all think it was Catherine, right?  And now (and I swear this is before I watched on), I assume Catherine is somehow sexing up Mr. Carpenter.  Because someone has to get Jason Dohring partially nude on this show, am I right?

Malcolm’s dumb computer grunt work for Henry pays off when he searches around and finds a receipt in Henry’s briefcase.  Why, it’s a record of how Henry had the contents of Siobhan’s office packed up and moved!  He calls Bridget to give her the scoop, but she’s a bit tied up in satin and lace and tulle as she tries on wedding dresses.  But she doesn’t want it to be all Siobhan’s signature style!  It’s not as though Andrew thinks he’s re-marrying Siobhan instead of her or anything, right?

Olivia finds out there’s a mole at Martin Charles from someone named Xerxes — do we know who this is?  Honestly, after that hellaciously long break between earlier episodes, I cannot remember — and so immediately suspects Malcolm.  And hey, isn’t that Malcolm doing stuff to her computer without her permission?  He’s erased the search history so she can’t tell what changes have been made, and, why, that’s not at all suspicious!

Bridget!Siobhan demands to know why Henry cleaned out her office.  But Henry knows it’s Bridget and not Siobhan, see?  So he messes with her a bit, saying he’s got a matching keychain to the one she’s searching for — the one that opens the safe deposit box, remember?  Only Bridget doesn’t know this, what the key opens!  I am going to make a FLOW CHART to keep up with this nonsense!

Juliet’s too enamored of taking part in Andrew and Bridget!Siobhan’s wedding to skip town with Catherine.  “Was it worth it?” Juliet asks tearfully, mentioning again how Tessa got worked over.  Catherine purses her lips in a silent, “Yes, SO WORTH IT,” and tells Juliet she’ll deal with Mr. Carpenter — presumably to get *his* share of the settlement, I’d guess.  And maybe get her some hot cougar-teacher sex along the way, right?

Catherine immediately performs a Double Lutz of motherly indignation leading into a 360 Triple Salchow of reverse-misdirection lustiness, as she first yells at Mr. Carpenter to stay away from her daughter (gee, maybe they’re not doing it?) to making out with him passionately moments later (oh ho, they’re so doing it, you really had us going there for…three seconds, Ringer.  Only not really.).

Malcolm declares that Bridget can’t marry Andrew, she just can’t!  Not because she’s, er, Bridget and not her sister Siobhan, and not because Malcolm’s clearly still in love with her and has somehow given up everything in his life just to become Bridget’s wingman — but because Andrew’s a crook!  She gets shirty with him: “after all Andrew’s done for you?” he accuses Andrew on a hunch?  “I’m not Andrew’s charity case,” he retorts, and then yells, “Haven’t you noticed the only reason I’m here is for you?”  Then he flounces from the apartment because he just. can’t let her. see him cry.

Henry brags about how he totally gave Bridget the business with his questionable wit and not at all obvious derision, and Siobhan tells him they’re having twins (understandably leaving out the bit where they’re probably not his, and hey, I wonder if Tyler has heard that “he” is having twins yet?).

Catherine complains that after everything she’s done for Juliet (burned her pictures?  Was too soused to be a good mom?  Used child support to feed her Botox addiction?), “she still chooses Andrew and the ice princess over me.”  Mr. Carpenter wants to put the screws on Juliet still, but she assures him Juliet does everything her mom tells her to do.

Bridget!Siobhan, having learned from Malcolm that Andrew somehow landed Abergast’s money (that’s Gemma’s dad, remember?) even after promising her he wouldn’t go after it, plays dumb to wring that fact out of him.  Totally not him, he claims, because Olivia just worked her magic (and I would say that magic involves wearing sexy clingy leather skirts).  “Half the time, I don’t know how she accomplishes what she does and I probably don’t want to know, either.”

You're better at corporate fraud! No, you are! No, you! *playful slap fight*

Malcolm totally whores himself out to get access to Olivia’s office again (poor harassed haggard assistant Claudine, if she thinks Malcolm’s really going to take her for dinner and a movie).  But Olivia’s got security on him, and he is out of there!

Turns out the security guys forgot to check Malcolm’s shoe (really?  I swear…) and he spirited out some information.  Then we hear a lot of blather about an algorithm (seriously? this is dull detail, not the stuff of suspense) that boils down to this — it seems like Julia’s cooking the books to make Martin Charles seem awesome, when really it’s going to tank soon-ish.

Henry, more fool he, thinks Siobhan is going to find it endlessly entertaining that “Andrew and ‘Siobhan’ are renewing their vows.”  But he’s only set Siobhan up for a flashback of her wedding night with Andrew.  Already Andrew is talking kids (way to ruin the honeymoon), but Siobhan already told him no way.  “Is it something to do with that boy?” he asks, because he snooped through her jewelry box.  “I thought things would change once we walked down the aisle,” he complains when she won’t talk about it.  “We can’t even get through the wedding night without an argument.”  Hey, maybe in that situation, in a relationship where you argue constantly, maybe don’t propose in the first place, Andrew?

Henry’s suspicious that Siobhan suddenly wants to shift gears.  I think she’s feeling protective of Andrew, though that is perhaps not supported that she now wants Bridget to have her secret box of ~mystery~.  Well, once Bridget gets those files, whatever they are, that’ll surely clear up a few things, instead of complicating everything further, right?  *laughs and laughs and laughs*  Oh, my side!

Bridget!Siobhan completely one-ups Olivia by printing out her schedule of ~secrecy~ while beleaguered Claudine gets lunch, but not before Olivia gets one in about Malcolm’s firing:  “I guess that’s what you get for hiring drug addicts,” she says merrily.

Juliet wants to know if she’s a bad person.  Andrew assures her, “it’s not like you made any of it [the assault, the trial, Tessa’s cauliflower ears] happen, is it?”  Juliet wisely changes the subject.  Whoops, turns out Andrew is selling the loft, because there’s no obvious plot reason to keep that location — no, no, because the defamation settlement is pushing him to the brink of Manhattan Finance Guru Poverty!  That’s a version of poverty where you feel disadvantaged because you only own four or five properties.  *sheds a single tear*

Juliet texts Catherine to say she’s going to tell daddy everything.  Catherine seizes the opportunity to freak out Mr. Carpenter and get him to decide he should take alllll of his money out of the bank (there’s that second third of the settlement!).

Bridget find the apartment invaded with wedding planner people for an emergency vow renewal planning brouhaha, so she can’t meet Malcolm for their stalking escapade of Olivia.

Franco the wedding planner is part of the planning team, and fops it up around the place as he makes various proclamations about what’s hot and what’s not in vow renewals these days.  Bridget is overwhelmed, and refuses to firm up a date with Andrew:  “You just proposed and already it’s like a hurricane!”  Um.  You’re supposed to pretend you’re already married to him, Bridget.  This isn’t the same as the one-sided whirlwind courtship you’ve been experiencing, okay?

“My anxieties,” Bridget!Siobhan cries, “My doubts!”  Andrew is stunned and angry, and tells her she can tell Franco to leave.  Awww, bye, Franco!  We could have used a stereotypical gay character such as yourself on this show — I mean, come on, let’s liven things up a little with sassy comebacks about all the men Bridget’s leading on, and aghast looks at some of Bridget’s fashion choices.

Mr. Carpenter shows off his money-filled suitcase in the motel where he and Catherine have stopped, and helpfully takes a shower so Catherine can rob him blind instead of joining him.  Okay, Catherine’s doing this lusty MILF thing all wrong — join him first, then rob him later!  Crazy lady.

Bridget flees the apartment to run after Andrew, and runs into Henry, who gives her the secret box of ~secrecy~ and ~intrigue~.  Back upstairs, she finds Siobhan has helpfully labeled all of her clandestine information, just in case anyone might want to snoop through it.  And hey, 227 Pratt Street, wasn’t that where Bridget was almost killed?  Remember when people were actually trying to kill Bridget?  Good times!  Now it’s all algorithms and trust-fund-revenge deceptions.

She finds out 227 Pratt Street formerly housed Wesson Accounting Partners — the same business Malcolm’s just stalked Olivia to!  Somehow Olivia doesn’t spot Malcolm, even though he’s practically hanging out of his open window spying on her, so he can go in after she leaves and find the utterly unremarkable accounting office inside.

It’s hard to enjoy Jason Dohring emerging from his shower all damp, because there’s a recording playing on the motel tv screen of Juliet, Tessa, and Mr. Carpenter all celebrating their deceptively gained and three-way split settlement money.  “If you ever come anywhere near my daughter, this video goes wide,” the note inside the now-empty cash suitcase reads.  “And yes, I made copies.  P.S., you’re an idiot.”  Catherine gets title and Mr. Carpenter is soggy and on the verge of Manhattan Teacher-ly Poverty!  That’s closer to actual poverty, where you spend 80% of your income on rent and eat mac &cheese most nights, by the way.  But not Tessa-level poverty [Manhattan Foster Child Poverty], where you don’t have enough money for the subway.  Everyone clear on the demarcations?  Good!

“There’s no reason to use such a small [accounting] firm for such an important task,” Malcolm tells Bridget about Olivia’s association with Wesson Accounting Partners.  “Unless you’re paying them to clean the books.”  Uh oh, Martin Charles is running a Ponzi scheme!  It’s just as we’ve suspected for weeks and weeks!

Catherine tells Juliet Mr. Carpenter will never bother her again, and tells Juliet she shouldn’t worry about Andrew’s Manhattan finance guru poverty.  He can always dip into Juliet’s trust fund, which he’s inadvertently paid her back 1/3 of (and now Catherine has the other 2/3) if he’s hard up, Catherine says!  Right, because that’s not illegal or anything.

Olivia gets a new text from whoever Xerxes is, telling her Malcolm Ward wasn’t the guy they were after.  The mole is in Paris!  Paris, where, you might ask?  PARIS, FRANCE!

Bridget!Siobhan confesses to Andrew she wants to marry him, but she wants it to “be like the first time,” not like “the last time.”  He says he’ll try to understand her, even though this makes no sense whatsoever if you’re not inside Bridget’s brain.

We get a completely unnecessary quick shot of Catherine paying off the guy who beat up Tessa:  “I paid you to rough the girl up, not to beat her to a pulp,” she snarls.  I mean, had anyone not already connected Catherine to Tessa’s plight at this point?

“This is a lot to hear,” Andrew says heavily, and for a moment, I foolishly think maybe Bridget’s just revealed her real identity to him.  But no, this is just one of Ringer‘s gotcha! moments.  She’s only told him about Olivia’s Ponzi scheme.  “However big a mess this is, whatever it takes to clean up, I’ll stand by you,” she promises.  “The Ponzi scheme wasn’t Olivia’s idea,” Andrew confesses.  “It was mine.”  FINALLY!  Andrew’s going to get a storyline besides being the besotted gentle husband!  Remember the first episode where he was all, “I can’t talk now!” in this evil tone — let’s see Andrew become a lying liar who lies next week!