We open, as we so often do, in PARIS, FRANCE! Siobhan’s there of course as she phones Henry, because she loves the City of Lights. Also, she loves racking up those frequent flyer miles. Seriously, I bet the flight attendants in business class all know how she takes her Shizzitinis (see how I did a tribute to Tyler, there?). I’m surprised she hasn’t gone to NYC and back before the teaser is over.
Anyway, Henry takes on thankless exposition of telling everyone who forgot to tune in last week that Tyler is dead. “I told you [Olivia and Andrew] would kill to keep their secret,” Siobhan declares. Siobhan looks shaken. Of course she does: there’s the end of that corporate funding of Siobhan’s PARIS, FRANCE lifestyle.
Flashback time, flashback time! Six months ago, Siobhan was so on top of Andrew’s wrongdoings that she confronted him about Wesson Accounting (you know, that accounting firm Andrew had the bad taste to set up in Long Island, ewww). He calls her a conniving little bitch, and I don’t know why I like mean evil Andrew so much, but I do! She threatens to spill the beans, and he bites out, “I’ll kill you. I mean it Siobhan; I’ll see you dead.” So Andrew really is evil! At least to Siobhan!Siobhan, if not to Bridget!Siobhan.
Ah, so that’s what Siobhan made Henry listen to from her Secret Files of the Safe Deposit Box: Andrew threatening to kill her. Siobhan claims the private detective she hired soon after discovered a hit man following her. This whole Tyler-killing thing just supports her argument that Andrew and Olivia will stop at nothing, nothing!
Olivia and Andrew go through the flash drive info, but it’s a fake. It’s probably mostly Claudine’s lunchtime love scribbling on the keyboard (Claudine + Malcolm 2gever 4ever 6sess!). “Did Tyler switch things?” Was Tyler seriously that smart? It couldn’t have been that Malcolm was in cahoots with Tyler, so Olivia thinks Siobhan got to Tyler. If she has the flash drive, “you better deal with her. Severely.”
Bridget phones Malcolm, worried because the last time she couldn’t reach him he was getting beaten to an inch of his life and shot full of heroine by Reservation Crime Boss thugs. She searches through shoes in Siobhan’s closet for a cell phone, and I just cannot believe this, because I’ve seen the amazing shoes both Siobhan and Bridget wear, and there is NO WAY there isn’t a separate closet just for shoes. “What are you looking for?” a menacing Andrew asks menacingly, but Bridget doesn’t react conspicuously to the news of Tyler’s death or the missing flash drive. Bet she’s preoccupied with where that shoe closet went, too.
“Finding that phone was my only insurance policy,” Bridget tells Solomon back in the car. “Without that there’s nothing to stop the hit man from coming after me again.” I cannot imagine why a random cell phone — OH, IT’S THE HIT MAN’S PHONE! The one Bridget rescued from his corpse in the midst of Olivia and Andrew’s swanky woo-investors-into-our-Ponzi-scheme party, right? I seriously forgot how Bridget kept it as leeway over that creepy vaguely Germanic guy who demanded she hand it over; I had to go back and read my own damn recaps about Bridget saying she’d turn the phone over to the feds if they came after her again. And now it’s goooonnne!
In Rock Springs, Wyoming, we see two girls leaving Club Caged, Bodaway’s club — wait, no, I’m sorry, I actually mistook long-haired Bodaway at a distance for a chick — maybe this goes to show we haven’t seen enough of the criminal whose dismembering started Bridget’s flight if I can’t recognize him at a distance, hmmm, Ringer? A stripper with terribly shiny thigh-high boots notices Victor Machado creeping on them, and Bodaway saunters over to taunt Victor about finding Bridget. “I’m not even looking for her anymore,” Machado says with barely concealed glee, and spices up his flashback of Malcolm saying he’ll press charges with jokes to Bodaway about cinnamon sticks in his coffee and doggy day care (right, it made no sense to me either).
Bridget finally remembers the GPS apps Malcolm put on his and her phones, and realizes she can use that to track Malcolm down! Victor calls Agent Cupertino to tell him he’s off to the airport, because he amasses almost as many frequent flyer miles as Siobhan (wait, he calls himself Vic? Did that just start?).
Olivia contemptuously insists Andrew is wrong about Siobhan not knowing anything about all this financial intrigue plus murder rigmarole, “never send a lovesick schoolboy to do a man’s job,” she spits, and that’s hilarious, because so far Olivia does seem more butch than Andrew. When she leaves, Juliet turns up, because “it’s a little break in the education system; I like to call it Saturday.” He’s all befuddled and sad about continuing to argue with Siobhan, and Juliet says, “Daddy, I’m so sorry, c’mere,” and I make dolphin noises because they are just the cutest father and daughter together. She used to say they didn’t need Siobhan, but now she tells him she was wrong: “She makes us better,” so “whatever you did, undo it!” And then there’s a Say Anything via Hot Tub Time Machine reference, and who is writing the jokes in this ep, because 80% of them are deader than Tyler Barrett.
Vic — we’re all calling him Vic now, okay? — shows up in Manhattan to find Malcolm isn’t in protective custody. Victor’s stunned, but not as stunned as I am remembering that Andrew might have done Very Bad Things to Malcolm when he showed up at his door last episode.
Solomon and Bridget search a run-down building complete with users, squatters, and muggers for Malcolm, and Solomon shows his PTSD a bit when he whales viciously on some guy who tries to grab Bridget and take her money. Finally it turns out a guy sleeping in a box (because the homeless like to sleep in boxes even when they’re indoors; boxes are just that cozy) is the one who has Malcolm’s phone, which he found in a dumpster.
Victor has yet another strategy board going (because those have accomplished so much for him so far) when he and Agent Cupertino track down Malcolm Ward’s last place of employment — Martin/Charles, of course! You know, I’ve been Martin-Charles-ing it all along, and it’s a slash rather than a dash? I’m so embarrassed.
Olivia and Andrew are as cool as a couple of British cucumbers when Victor visits them with questions about Malcolm. The two of them act as if butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths (how often do I get to use that expression? not nearly enough!) when Olivia agrees to fetch Malcolm’s address. It seems like it would be easier for Andrew, since he just visited Malcolm and threatened him last week, but whatever.
Bridget bends the ear of a desk clerk from Malcolm’s long-term hotel about a nonexistent coupon so Solomon can raid the back room and emerge with stolen stuff just riddled with exciting information. Then we shift to the swanky Plaza, where some guy flirts with Juliet by pulling out her earbud and telling her he likes to punch holes in walls when his boss gets him mad. Seems like a real catch; Juliet agrees, because she giggles over his bruised knuckles and tells him to text her.
Catherine gives Juliet fancy-schmancy diamond earrings to wear at the vow renewal. “Mom, it’s not a competition,” Juliet says. “The hell it isn’t!” Catherine answers. Oh, are Andrew and Siobhan having trouble, Catherine asks? Do tell, baby!
Victor wants security shots at the extended-stay hotel Malcolm lived at, but whoops, turns out the footage was stolen earlier. “Some Brit was here, asking about surveillance footage…he didn’t give me his names, but he sure wasn’t Sherlock Holmes!” the clerk tells Victor. Wait, what? Surely you have people who can write jokes that don’t lie prone in a car trunk like tied-up Gemma, right, Ringer?
Solomon and Bridget watch the security tapes and spot Andrew lurking outside Malcolm’s door. “I’m so stupid, all this evidence right in front of my face,” Bridget says tearfully, and we all clear our throats and look away because, well, yes. Finally we get a flashback to Andrew being super shifty in the pilot episode — for weeks I thought maybe I’d imagined that, because he was just as nice as pie practically every minute after. Solomon urges her to go to the police, but she can’t, “Because…” He finishes, “Because you’re not Siobhan Martin, are you? You’re Bridget Kelly?” Ladies and gentlemen, the one person on this show who can put two and two together and come up with four, SOLOMON! *applauds wildly*
How did he know it was Bridget and not Siobhan? Well, Siobhan had car sickness, and Bridget didn’t. Siobhan sat in the back, whereas Bridget likes to ride up front. Siobhan was a stone cold bitch, while Bridget likes making friends with unfamiliar drivers. Oh, and he kind of got her fingerprints. *rimshot*
Henry picks up his phone ready to yell at Siobhan for all her stupid flash drive questions, but there she is in his little foyer, tucking her frequent flyer card back into her purse! “I’m done being kept in the dark,” Henry argues; if she wants him helping, she better ‘fess up. She finally admits to sleeping with Tyler, but only because she needed his help with the Ponzi scheme (like Siobhan knew about that the first time she picked up Tyler in that bar). “You don’t know the whole truth,” she protests, and he yells, “No, of course I don’t, because you’re a liar!” and maybe Henry is finally losing his chump-ishness! What could be so important that she’d ruin the two of them and set her sister up to die? “Bridget killed my son,” Siobhan tells him, and eep, what exactly is she going to say next?
Victor makes more notches on his strategy board: the desk clerk did ID Andrew as the not-Sherlock, and the Martin-slash-Charles employee found dead was a whistle blower for the SEC. Where can I get one of those black boards like Vic writes on with white dry-erase? Because that is boss.
We tune back in to Siobhan just finishing the tale of her son’s death (and what exactly did she tell him, hmm?), and confesses, well, a whole bunch of things to him, from paying off the cop to make Bridget run, to inviting Bridget to the Hamptons once she thought Andrew was actually trying to kill her (Siobhan), to faking her own suicide. That’s a whole lot of truth! “All of it was predicated on knowing Bridget would step into your shoes,” Henry asks in confusion, because even he wouldn’t try to sell a plot point like that. “And you’re willing to let her die?” “She deserves it, for what she did to Sean, for what she did to Gemma,” Siobhan argues. And that last bit is a lie, because of course Bridget tried to save Gemma, so what other deceptions has Siobhan mixed in here? “I’m married to a man who would kill me to protect his own crimes, and I’m pregnant with your twins…when Bridget dies it fixes everything!” Siobhan proclaims. Well, when you put it that way… it mainly makes me wriggle my toes happily about how super soapy Ringer dares to be. I mean, what kind of ridiculous summation is that right there? I love this show.
“Everyone who’s figured out my secret has used it against me,” Bridget tells Solomon. “Why would I believe you’d be any different?” Solomon claims he only wants to help Bridget because “Siobhan Martin writes my checks” so it’s in both their interests to keep Bridget alive. This seems…insufficient for the amount of cover-up Solomon is willing to do, so it’s time to cast suspicion on yet another person! Meanwhile, Henry texts Bridget!Siobhan, pretending he still thinks she’s Siobhan!Siobhan, and arranging a meeting with her.
Juliet’s in a coffee shop with her cute laptop, IM-ing with the worst username ever, CASH4EVER, the creepy hole-punchy guy from the Plaza. “Miss me?” he says, and “Go away, I’m busy,” Juliet types back, because she’s adorable. Oh, it’s Tessa Juliet’s here to meet, looking, as Tessa unfortunately describes herself, “like a bitch who got what she deserves.” No one deserves that, Juliet protests, and right-o, Andrew’s got at least some parenting skills. And Juliet, like any other teenager, keeps taking texts from one person while she’s supposed to be talking to someone else in person, and offers to show Tessa the picture of this totally cute guy she just met suspiciously a few hours ago. “That’s the guy who beat me,” Tessa says in shock, and Juliet chokes on her latte.
Poor Juliet bangs on Catherine’s door, because “we’ve got to get out of here; we’re in danger!” She’s about to warn her mom about Cash when she sees a hole punched in the wall — heeyyyy, Catherine’s the “boss” he spoke about. “I only paid him to scare [Tessa], and that idiot took it up a notch,” Catherine complains. Juliet clues in that Catherine stole Tessa’s share of the money (though she doesn’t realize Catherine also has Mr. Carpenter’s share): “I never want to see you again, and I wish Siobhan was my mother!” Juliet yells as she exits.
Andrew leaves a message for Bridget!Siobhan saying he’ll do whatever it takes to work things out. But surprise, it’s Siobhan!Siobhan there to demand, “Tell me about Tyler Barrett, and how you had him murdered.” As Bridget and Solomon continue to be stalled by Henry and his pretend appointment, Siobhan tells Andrew she doesn’t love him any more. “I don’t even like you — is that clear enough for you? You and your business partner are criminals and you both deserve to be in jail!” He’s stunned, she walks away with a smirk, and we see that Olivia has been hiding behind some door and heard it all! How the hell long has she been hiding back there, hoping to hear stuff? That, my fellow Ringerlettes, is dedication — weird, creepy dedication to finding excuses to murder your partner’s wife.
“If he doesn’t want to kill her now, he never will,” Siobhan happily tells Henry, and they sit there with their hands on her pregnant-with-Andrew’s-twins belly, kissing ecstatically.
“You’re not listening!” Olivia tells…someone, on the phone. “Siobhan’s going to blow the lid off everything. I need you to get out of town while you still can.” Huh. Is that her informant, Xerxes? Or someone else entirely? Dare I guess it might be Catherine behind yet another scheme-a-rooni?
Bridget gets a text that claims it’s Malcolm: “Got new phone. In trouble. Can’t go it alone. Meet in loft in one hour.” Solomon tells her he better get his gun so they can play this safe, which seems not at all a thing like a killer for hire might say. Juliet enters in tears, asking if Bridget!Siobhan is moving back in. Well, she was going to see if Malcolm’s in trouble, but if Juliet’s in trouble he can wait. “So can I,” Juliet says, and goes on in a tearful voice, “Maybe we can talk about planning a trip to the beach house, just to get away from everything?” Juliet is killing me here, she’s so sad and desperate and really really does want this family with her father and Bridget!Siobhan to work — don’t go, Bridget! I actually yell at the television, but Bridget never listens to me or anyone else for that matter, so hmmpphh.
Bridget and Solomon wait at the Loft, looking for Malcolm. Solomon goes to check on the terrace roof access, and Bridget calls out Malcolm’s name. Andrew shows up — Juliet told him that’s where Bridget!Siobhan went. “You sent the text pretending to be Malcolm,” she accuses. “I won’t let you hurt me!” “Why would I hurt you?” he asks, and wow, Andrew really seems a good guy, coming back with this after Siobhan!Siobhan’s poison speech. “I don’t care how much you hate me right now. I’ll accept it because I believe that what we have is worth the pain,” he says, getting title for the first time ever. Either he’s the most sincere wanting-to-put-things-right guy ever. Or he’s going to kill her. Or —
Okay, option three is our winner, because suddenly gunshots go off. Vic Machado runs in, and sees Solomon with a gun in his hand. “I was up on the terrace when somebody hit me in the head,” Solomon says. “By the time I got in they’d fired on her already, and we exchanged shots.” True truths? Lying lies? But they didn’t fire on Bridget!Siobhan, as it turns out, because Andrew jumped in front of the freaking bullet, y’all! “He saved my life,” Bridget!Siobhan says, her face crumpling. Bridget weeps, Machado holds a cloth to Andrew’s shoulder, and you know Ringer likes to mess with me so it ends there while I shriek, “Don’t diiieeee, Andrew!”
Despite my shriekery, I doubt Andrew will die — winning him/loving him is a huge part of Bridget’s transformative arc, and he can’t just die, right? Right? *wibbles* Let’s find out next week!