Previously on Game of Thrones: baby killing! Baby dragons! Stannis whining like a titty baby! A LOT OF BABIES, is what I’m getting at. And we had yet another place revealed on the map, Pyke, home of the Greyjoys – but is it a home to Theon? Note: neither this show, nor this recap, is for the uptight or squeamish. We’re going blue.
But first, let’s take a bathroom break, as Arya is relieving herself far away from the gaggle of dudes on their way to the Wall. [She’s still pretending to be a boy.] As she walks back to the group, three prisoners who are penned up accost her, and one guy in particular is all, “Mmm, I’m thirsty, good little boy,” with an extra side of leer. Captain Cupcake is looking to wrassle up Twinkie the Kid, if you catch what I’m laying down.
(I asked my husband, who has read all of the books, if Captain Cupcake is wanting to get down with the lads, and he said no. So I would just like to suggest to the actor to turn it down a notch or twelve. Look at your life. Look at your choices.)
The other dudes in the pen are obviously Sweat Trolls (their hides are worth a lot in trade at Winterfell). They grunt and look threatening, but Arya laughs in the face of danger, ha ha! Gendry walks by and tells him [her] to am-scray because those fellas are scary with a capital Bad Guy. And that he [she] is an idiot if s/he’s not pissing herself over them. (Joke’s on you, Gendry. She peed before she talked with them.)
Two Imperial Riders (I know, I just like using my own names) show up and are super bitchy about demanding that someone be turned over to them. Arya gulps and looks like she’s going to try and crawl under a bridge. Yoren yawns and then asks the closest one if he’d like a dirk for his dick? See, he just sharpened his blade that very morning and could probably shave a bumblebee with it. Or cut the guard’s prick off, either-or. Also? All of the dudes with Yoren belong to the Wall, so these guards should just ride back home with their tails between their legs, thanking their gods for still having a tail between their legs.
Well, they never! They turn to the crowd and say that they’re looking for Gendry, and hey – who wants money? Because whoever gives him up can have some. Also, Yoren? They are totally coming back, with like, their big brothers? And they’re going to kick your ass? So neener neener.
Yoren ain’t bovvered. Imperial Guards = 0, Yoren = Leveled Up. (He gets two perks, too!)
Tyrion is back in King’s Landing strolling through his place like a boss when he hears Shae giggling. Oh is she now? Seems that she’s entertaining the one person Tyrion would rather not know she exists, Uncle Fester, aka The Spider, aka I’m a Eunuch, what the hell else can I do with my time but gossip and threaten? (The answer is nothing. His hands just aren’t built for crewel work.)
Uncle Fester’s all, “Say, I bet your dad wouldn’t like knowing about Shae, hmm? Oh, but don’t worry, I’m super awesome best friend secret keeper, pinkie swear!” with Shae, who isn’t as smart as I thought she was, more’s the pity. Tyrion asks him if he’d like Shae’s fish pie (hurr) and she says he’s not into fish, and the audience rolls their eyes and shouts, “Girl, we know.”
Tyrion leads him to the door, but before he opens it, he drops a little knowledge on Fester. “I’m not Ned Stark. I play dirty. And I have no problem tossing your useless ass into the sea.”
Fester sinks back on one foot, almost gives a head roll and says, “Look at this. Bitch, imma float with all this blubber. Baby Beluga in big wild sea, and I swim so wild and I swim so free.” He makes gill flaps on the side of his neck, which pisses Tyrion off, because whales are mammals. God.
Fester and Tyrion are at a meeting with Cersei, et cetera, when Cersei is given Robb’s demand to ignore Winterfell and to walk away, just walk away. But Cersei, because she actually has a problem and we all need to be considerate of that, tears up the paper before she even finishes reading it. You know, she doesn’t even mean to do that, half the time. Like once? Joffrey wrote her a lovely letter on her Name Day where he said how much he loved getting all the things and being a brat and it was all due to her attention and she just tore it right up without even thinking about it. Tyrion knows what I’m talking about. (The first step is acknowledging you have a problem, Cersei.)
Grand Meister Flash mumbles that they’ve been raven’d another note, this time from Castle Black. They are requesting more men for the Wall, to which Cersei laughs. We’re at war, fools. How are we going to drum up more men when we’re spread out at it is? They can deal up in the Frozen North.
Tyrion, who saved the letter from being torn (Cersei’s hands start to shake with need), reads further and explains that things are getting hinky up there. Like when you kill someone? They don’t stay down. They get back up again. No one’s ever gonna keep them down. (And then Tyrion takes a whiskey drink and a vodka drink and a lager drink and a cider drink.)
Everyone laughs at Tyrion for believing in old fables. The dead rising? Ha! That is the most foolish thing ever, to think that someone could come back from the dead? Preposterous! Ahem. [Happy Easter?] Tyrion gets a faraway, “I’ve seen things” look and explains that he’s pissed off that Wall, ergo he knows things. Cersei asks, “Like what, dead people coming back to life? As if!”
“I don’t know if it’s true,” Tyrion says, “I only know the sound a man makes when his life pours from his body.” He levels them all with a grave, grim look. “I’m talking about pissing? That groan? I know that sound. I had a lot to drink, holy shi–”
“Enough!” Cersei is not interested, and thinks all of this is nonsense. I bet that will come back to bite her in the ass.
Beyond the Wall at Incest Manor, the Black Guard is busy at their noble calling of peeling potatoes and talking about how you fart and shit yourself when you die. Well, Pip and Red Leader Porkins are having this explained to them when they see a couple of black lumps moving away and they each pop a stiffy. It’s hard being on the Watch, I gather, when you get excited over fur burkas.
BUT I WOULD LIKE TO ALERT YOU ALL TO A GAFFE. When Red Leader Porkins turns to admire the moving lumps, you can clearly see the collar to his Goretex jacket peeking out of his fur cape. Grommet and shiny nylon fabric, what?
But wait, a girl screams! Porkins races (okay, he gets there) over to help, and sees a pregnant girl backing away from Jon Snow’s Direwolf, Ghost. Well, lady, you’re holding a bloody rabbit in your hand, what else is a wolf going to do? Porkins shoos him off, earning him a feeble smile and the praise, “You’re very brave.”
Cue the anime hearts in Porkins’ eyes.
Jon is leaning against a tree doing the most inefficient job of sharpening a blade I’ve ever seen; he is also moping and being all curly-haired and handsome about it, like a jerk. Porkins trots Gilly (the pregnant girl) over and says, “Can I keep her?”
Porkins: But she’s pregnant and might have a litter and I’ll feed them every day and–
Jon: OMG NO. Also, ew. Also, what the hell are we going to do with a pregnant lady out here?
Gilly: But if the baby is a boy, my father-lover will… Um.
Jon: If you can’t even tell me, I’m really not going to help.
Gilly: If I told you, would you?
Jon: No. Now shove off, I’m brooding.
Porkins is horribly offended on Gilly’s behalf, because she’s a very sweet girl [who lets her father get it], and she thinks Porkins is nice and brave and I just want to keep her so I can have something nice and not think about farting when I die. (Tough, Porkins. Stay on target.)
From one extreme to the other and we head down to Camp Dothraki where there are no water sports and the crafts consist of painting everything in red. Totally lame. They’re down to what looks like the last waterskin, when out of the desert, a horse arrives. With no rider. But hey, there’s a wet bag on the side, maybe it’s wate– oh my god it’s a human head. Well, there goes Bill. (Rakharo, actually.)
Irri, Daenerys’ lover-helper, was also the same for Rakharo as she begins to wail with grief. He was slaughtered like an animal, they’ve killed his soul and because they didn’t burn him, he won’t be able to walk with his ancestors in the afterlife. Dany gets a glint of steel in her eye, and I half expected her to pull out Khal Drogo’s bad ass shit-talking from last season when he described all the things he was going to do to his best friend. Like pull his entire throat out.
Dany reassures Irri that she’s going to make it right. She is going to raise some dragons and unleash hellfire, is my guess. (Among other things.)
And now we begin the half-hour that is filled with skeevers, starting with Theon Greyjoy. He’s on a ship sailing to the Iron Islands, aka Pyke, ready to negotiate with his dad and strut around a little bit. He’s going to practice some Prima Nocta first on a very unfortunate young lady (I’m sorry, I know that’s mean, but that’s how she’s supposed to make me feel!) by telling a two-minute long dick joke about hard men and all she cares about is getting some so he’ll love her, maybe? (Ladies, it never works.)
He is gross, and that must have been a really weird casting call and audition, and I just feel bad for the crew who had to stand there with booms and adjusting lighting and watching it over and over and over. Funny lines: Young Lady crying out, “Capture me! Take me to shore and make me a salt wife!” Bless your heart.
Up in King’s Landing Ros – the One True Whore to Fuck Them All – is riding reverse cowgirl on some dude while another dude is in the adjoining room watching through a peep hole. And getting sucked off by some young woman with some Tyrionerious hair and booty working for her. Littlefinger is watching all of this, by the way, like a medieval/Westeros version of the Eye in the Sky.
First dude (with Ros) comes out pissed because she’s all boohooing and making him go soft, and he paid good money and–
Littlefinger is the Pimp Mack Daddy and shushes him. Peeping Tom leaves, Hair-n-Booty BJ comes out (Littlefinger thoughtfully wipes her off her mouth with his special Come Hanky), and Littlefinger hands her over to First Guy so he doesn’t demand his money back. Then Pimp Daddy takes a moment to make his girl know he cares.
She’s been horribly traumatized by that baby who was murdered the other day, and she can’t sleep, can’t think… She’s a mess. Oh, there, there, Ros, because Littlefinger really cares. Really! You know, that sounds really hard, what Ros is going through. Know what else is hard? Selling her to the highest bidder so he can make all sorts of new glory holes in her tender flesh and abuse her until she’s hanging from the ceiling in tatters. Wait, that’s not hard, that’s easy.
You picking up what he’s putting down? She does. She slaps on a bright smile, gives him a “Got it, Chief!” and bursts into tears once he leaves the room.
Tyrion throws a dinner party for Lord Janos, the new head of the City Watch. They banter and joke and Janos is all, “We are laughing! This is a good time!” when Tyrion asks, “Is it? Say, let’s play twenty questions. First, what’s with all the baby killing, am I right?”
Janos: Hey, I’m told what to do; I do it.
Tyrion: Hm. Interesting. Oh, by the by, did you hear the one about my sister and brother going at it?
Janos: I don’t like blue jokes. I’m more of a Jeff Dunham type of–
Tyrion: Let me stop you right there and ask if it was you that gave the orders to kill Ned Stark?
Janos: Yep, and I’d do it again. He tried to bribe me, can you imagine?
Tyrion: Well, he wasn’t smart. Noble, yes. Canny? Not so much. Also, how silly to try and buy something that’s already been sold. Say, have you met my friend Bronn? He’s the new head of the City Guard.
Janos: *splutters * You damn, dirty imp!
Tyrion: Bored now. Seize him!
And they do. And they drag him off to join the other folks headed for the wall. Meanwhile, Tyrion wants to chat with Bronn, specifically wanting to know if Bronn would question an order to kill a baby. Of course he would! He’d want to know the asking price for the task. Tyrion seems to be questioning who he’s actually friends with.
Speaking of the guys headed to the Wall, Arya is washing dishes at the river with two idiots. Idiot 1 is Cartman, making Idiot 2 Butters. Cartman tries to explain how he’s totally playing on Hard Mode and didn’t they know about the super secret Battle Armor that you can only get if you unlock enough cool points and Arya calls his bluff, because he thinks he’s playing on Hard Mode? Girlfriend is the walking embodiment of it. Gendry is called in as an expert on armor, he calls Cartman an idiot, and Cartman says, “Goddamn you, Butters.”
This becomes the perfect time for Arya to pester Gendry so she follows behind him picking at everything he does when finally, he tells her to shut her gob; he knows she’s a girl.
“A what? Am not!”
“Are, too. And you’d be wise to stop asking me questions, because everyone who does dies. I’m cursed, I am.”
That stops Arya up short. “Who’s asking you questions?”
“All the Hands. First Hand? Dead. Second Hand? Dead. I’m surprised you’re still breathing, honestly.”
Arya gets choked up thinking about her dad (oh, Ned. NED!) and confesses that she’s actually Arya Stark. Well, shit. Er, he means shoot. He had no idea she was a lady and all that, what with him going on about cocks and pissing and not bowing and he pulls a Wesley to her Buttercup and showers her with “As you wish,” which pisses her off because she is not a lady! (Gendry laughs, and oh, how I love these two.)
Greyjoy finally lands at the shores of Pyke, and tries to get people to see how good he looks. “Hey, everyone? I’m awesome and my library smells of rich mahogany and leather bound books!” Yeah, no one cares, Ferret Face. He tries to pay some old sailor to take him up to the castle when a rough looking chick shows up. “Nice jewelry. I’ll take you to the castle.”
He’s all, open your drawbridge, m’lady and I’ll storm that tower. She rolls her eyes and pulls him up on her horse and they ride in a very suggestive manner to the castle, Theon bragging about himself and how powerful he’s about to be while she rolls her eyes and doesn’t stop him from shoving his hand down the front of her pants to rub one out. Fleurgh.
Inside the castle, squid fireplace! I gotta get me one of those. An old wreck of a former king sits in front of the fire as Theon walks in with his fancy store-bought clothes and his nasty attitude of “I’m awesome, did you know?” when the old man stops him short. “You get that necklace by iron or gold?”
“I don’t…. Huh?”
Old Greyjoy stares him down, completely disappointed in his son. “Iron means you killed and took it. Gold means you wanted to look important and you bought it. I think I already know the answer to that. What a waste of sperm you turned out to be.”
Theon just wants to deliver a message from the Starks, though! Not that he’s all loyal to them, he just has tons of say in the family. They love him! (No, they don’t.) Greyjoy is no dummy, though, and shuts up Theon by explaining that the young lady who rode him here? (She comes in all smirks and swagger.) Yeah, that’s his sister Yara.
Did you ever think to yourself, “I have an incest limit?” Or did you just never think you’d need to have an incest limit? Just curious.
Theon is freaked out, but I don’t know if it’s because he just finger-banged his sister or because his sister is more bad ass than he is. (The old fisherman who wouldn’t take him to the castle is more bad ass than Theon, but hey.)
Old Greyjoy walks out with Yara explaining that she’s more man than Theon and swings a bigger stick. (So that’s how it is in their family.)
Time to pay a trip out to Fire Island (Dragonstone) where Davos chats up a saucy Pirate (he’s no Jack Sparrow, though). Davos wants the pirate (Salladhor) to loan him his ships and men so they can attack King’s Landing. After Salladhor laughs for twenty solid minutes, because who is Davos kidding? They are seriously outnumbered by the forty-seven other kings and their armies, and Sal isn’t interested in dying any time soon, thanks.
Davos makes the lamest offer ever, “You can trust me,” and I have to question this pirate for going along with it, eventually. Sal wants the gold in the city, sure, but he wants the gold between Cersei’s legs even more. Oh, okay; he’s a proper pirate, then. Davos’ son (who was clearly homeschooled in one of those Intelligent Design programs) is horribly offended by this sort of talk and wants them to pray with him. The pirate moseys off (good for him) and Davos moans that he has such a pious git for a son. He’s not much for gods and belief, which scandalizes his boy. He promises to pray extra hard that night to make up for Davos’ lack of belief.
You do that kid. I believe the saying is shit in one hand and wish in the other…
Cersei storms in on Tyrion, pissed about him sending Janos off. Tyrion isn’t there to play around, sister girl. And she should be thanking him for the brilliant stroke in PR, because “King’s Landing: come for the whores, stay for the baby killing!” doesn’t look too good on a brochure.
Like she cares about the people and their anger, please. Well, she should care. As much as she cares about Jamie getting it in, ahem. Oh, Cersei thinks Tyrion is so funny. His best joke? Ripping their mother in half and killing her when he was born; talk about bringing the house down! You really killed that night, Mr. Comedian!
“Mother gone. For the sake of you.” Damn, that cuts deep, Cersei. Tyrion is actually hurt by that. (Well, who wouldn’t be?)
Back on Fire Island, Mage Fire Crotch accompanies Stannis into the War Room where Davos was playing with the wee ships on the War Map. (Is there a manufacturer of the little pieces for those things?) Everyone pretends that they weren’t just playing with the “King’s” toys and get down to brass tacks, which consists of Stannis moping about how he wants to be king, wah. Stupid brother messing things up for him! Fire Mage simpers at him, so Stannis kicks everyone out. Oho!
Mage Fire Crotch: The Lord of Light wants me to tell you something.
Stannis: Oh? What’s that?
MFC: *disrobes * That.
Stannis: He has quite a way with words… Wait, no! I am married and honorable?
MFC: We’ll see about that. Isn’t your wife all gross and locked away? I can guarantee that my lady bucket will deliver you a son…
Stannis: TIME TO BANG, THEN.
He picks her up and flops her bare ass on the Map Table, and I gotta hand it to her: she didn’t scream when her back port got docked by one of those ships. Ooh, that had to hurt. As he screws her, pieces begin raining onto the floor and Stannis is literally fucking his position in the game. I see what you did there, Show, and I like it.
Jon, outside the Hall of the Incest King, hears Daddy Bangs My Kids walking through the woods that night with a bundle. Oh, dear. Gilly had her baby, it was a boy, and Jon’s about to find out “what’s in the boooooox?” Jon creeps along behind him, hearing scary noises in the woods and chittering and it’s very frightening and then the baby is crying, and twigs are snapping and some creature is picking up the baby and HOLY CRAP IT’S THE PREDEFREMEN, I THINK. (Predator + Dune’s Fremen = Wight Walkers)
Jon freaks, turns to run back, and there’s Crester (Daddy MoreBangs) with a “You shoulda stayed out of my way,” and a head conk for Jon’s troubles.
OH SNAP. Fade to black!
NEXT WEEK: I’m suspecting there will be some incest, just a hunch. And some more on the Predefremen. I have high hopes! (And a reminder: I have NOT read the books, so no spoilers, please. Most of our readers haven’t, either. Thank you!)