Glee! 3.15 – Big Brother

The most handsome man in North America: Matt Bomer.

A few changes here on HDJM regarding the Glee-caps. I’m going to discontinue the drinking game portion as it’s a lot of work to ultimately get me schnockered, and drinking alone is sad. (No it isn’t, it’s romantic. Damn, me!) So thanks to you who have enjoyed all of the recipes I’ve created, but I think my liver needs a break.

Tonight’s episode suffers Eric Stoltz-itis, as in, way too much happening. (He totally ascribes to the buckshot method of storytelling.) But there were so many awesomely hilarious moments that I can forgive the whiplash, jam-packed, bursting-at-the-seams feel of the whole thing. And Matt Bomer needs to be on everything. 

Rachel and Finn are at their lockers, unmarried. So I hope Quinn is proud of herself for getting hit by a car and stopping their ridiculous wedding. (No one actually thinks they’re going to have those two get hitched, right?) Rachel is starting to think it may not happen, Finn is being the Forever Optimist and thinks maybe Nationals, which is in Chicago this year, is a great place to get married.

Quinn once again ruins things (no, she doesn’t) by wheeling in… Wheels! She’s alive! She’s also paralyzed from the waist down, it seems, and Artie is all aglow at having a friend on his level, literally and figuratively. She tells everyone that it’s all roses, Jesus took the wheel (a bit late, I’d say), and she didn’t die! She’s just been horribly mangled, but better that and alive than a pretty girl in  a casket. Then she says, “This is really the happiest day of my life!” and I have to call some serious bull pucky. Girl, you’re only lying to yourself.

She and Artie then race to the choir room (Artie is so excited to have a wheelchair buddy, oh my goodness) and they start singing Elton John’s, “I’m Still Standing” and Kevin, I love when you sing. Diana’s tremulous alto blends nicely with his. A “Welcome Back” sign is hanging in the choir room, and everyone looks like they don’t know what to think or do, but they’re going to smile politely at Quinn’s attitude of “Yay, only paralyzed!” I would like to nominate Sugar Motta’s face bow for an award, though. (And she and Rory are snuggling up, and it’s adorable.)

PSA about texting and driving, and now I just think Oprah paid the writers to plunk the Quinn story in for Her. Quinn lets us all know her lady bits still work; it’s just her legs what done got paralyzed. But hey, it’s just swelling, and she is determined to kick butt in therapy and walk across that Nationals stage, huzzah! Artie looks like he just got kicked in the teeth.

Figgins has Sue in the office to explain that she’s no longer solo coach for the Cheerios; she was late to her Regionals competition because of a doctor’s appointment. So Olympic Bronze medalist Roz is going to help run this bid-ness.

Sue: This will not stand!

Roz: Oh, yes it will. Just like that grown-ass adult baby that is going to climb out of your bat-infested vajayjay and walk to his promotion as full partner at Dewey, Cheatam, & Howe.

Roz leaves so Sue turns to Figgins, insisting that she can guarantee a Nationals win. Maybe not the Cheerios, but definitely the Gleeks – money will still come to the school, and if so, she’s the solo coach again. Somehow this makes sense to Figgins and he agrees. Side note: I know it’s polarizing to some people, but I think NeNe as Roz is hilarious. Sue has lost her snerk with this pregnancy, so Roz is bringing the cutting insults. (But not for long.)

“I’m just furniture” Brad is at the piano on stage with a metronome app while the kids are screwing around. Notable: Puck walking like a chicken, Rachel practicing her A Chorus Line hat-tip, Kurt wearing a mesh tank top, and Rory in the shortest shorts in existence. (I think he borrowed Blaine’s.) Sue is now running booty camp, and it’s with an iron fist. Note when she throws Mercedes’ cell phone that Brad gives a cheer. Ha! She gets them all lined up like it’s military boot camp, and then she R. Lee Ermey’s them.

Cut to Will telling her that she needs to be nice. Kurt e-mailed him (it was something like that Sue was being a Tabitha (Salon Takeover) and to please save them. But you know what? Those kids are soft and they need the strong iron fist that is Sue Sylvester, Butt Chin. And she is going to be unpredictable for the next while, as her pregnancy hormones are through the roof. Speaking of, she gets to confirm the sex of her daughter this weekend.

Emma decides that Sue needs support and volunteers herself and Will to accompany her. That’s not awkward.

Kurt wonders why Blaine is being so distracted instead of his normally excitable self. It’s because his brother is in town, so they’re going to have lunch and he’s thinking of that, so sorry, honey. Kurt is glad to finally meet him (and Glee? Am I supposed to think there aren’t any pictures of Blaine’s brother at his own house? So Kurt’s never seen his face? I know, the reactions coming up are hilarious but…)

Enter the greatest guest star in Glee History, Matt Bomer as Cooper Anderson. Cooper is super handsome and charming (runs in the family) and Kurt thinks he must be the most handsome man in North America (he’s right) but I have to wonder if that means Kurt thinks Blaine is the most handsome boy? Dude, your boyfriend is right there. Cooper, an actor, is The Face for, and that is so damn perfect and funny that I can forgive you the continuity, Show.

Cut to: Matt Bomer being spectacular as he jazz hands the commercial. Sue slinks in, and I had a fear shoot through me that the “unknown Celebrity” who is the father of Sue’s baby is Cooper. She is goo-goo eyed over him and asks him to sign her breast, and it’s all so perfectly awful with Sue calling him a Disney prince (he is!) as she gets more and more intense.

He tells Blaine that he’s there to connect to his gritty, Midwestern roots as he slings an arm over his brother and they start walking. (Kurt is bug-eyed and grinning, Sue is walking close behind and watching Cooper’s ass as he walks. So much laughing from me.) Cooper is the perfect bad actor, self-absorbed and awful.

Blaine: “Yeah. That’s why I never really talk about him.”

There’s a Brittana sighting as the Seniors plan their Ditch Day (good times!). Kurt wants a Gershwin/Sondheim scavenger hunt, Mike wants a Footloose marathon, and Brit wants to honor springtime by watching something give birth. Rachel makes it about her right off the bat, by saying everything with Quinn is her fault, and why is no one talking about it, when Quinn uses this new tomboy voice and tells Rachel to relax because she’s going to silver line this, okay? They hug it out and everyone decides Six Flags is the place to be.

Puck pulls Finn into the library (I imagine he had to be told where it was) and says that he has a lot in common with Zuckerman and Abraham Lincoln: they all have big hands, you feel me? Also, they sucked in high school and had million dollar ideas. Puck’s big idea? He did some Internet research and found out that LA has, like, way more swimming pools than they have in Ohio. So he’s going to take his business there, expand, and he wants – wait for it – Finn’s “Business Sense” to help him run it.

Naturally Finn is flattered by the offer, but he and Rachel are going to NYC. Puck says, “Cool. Hey, come help me after school to fix a motor, since you’re good at that stuff.” Puck has a scheme a’brewin’.

Sue is in the choir room using the whiteboard: LAZY IDIOTS. It’s fine if the kids don’t like her. But she wants to whip them into shape, and they need to learn how to perform. Enter Cooper Anderson with a Master Class on Acting. He plants a big kiss on her lips, and Matt Bomer, every choice you make as an actor is pleasant to me. The class is excited (not Blaine) and they all want to take his class (not Blaine), and Cooper is ready to show them all how to be successful like him. (Blaine rolls his eyes.)

Rachel wonders if they had duets that they sang, if it was like she does in her family, and it just so happens that Blaine and Cooper used to be famous for their Simon LeBon impression. Blaine doesn’t want to sing, but Kurt, who looks like he might cry, moan, laugh, climax, or all of the above, stammers that Blaine better get his sweet ass down there and perform, because it’s a crime to not show off that much handsome.

Blaine and Cooper start singing “Hungry Like The Wolf,” mashed up with “Rio” (I love “Rio”; “Hungry Like The Wolf” has lyrics that make absolutely no sense; and “Girls on Film” is their sexiest song followed by “The Chauffeur”; and now you know what generation I am, don’t you?) I have this to say about the performance: I loved watching these two dance and work together. I would like Glee to know that you had two amazing performers who didn’t need autotune, and they’ll prove it later this episode.

Cooper makes it all about him, and Blaine is pouty because this is how it’s been in their family for years: the light shines on Big Brother and the reason behind Blaine’s need to please is becoming more clear, especially when they’re at Breadstix later and Cooper – after using accents on the waitresses to get free drinks, oh my god – tells Blaine how fun that was to sing together, but it would have been awesome if Blaine hadn’t sounded so bad and pitchy and had actually committed to the dance.

“Stanislavski says the fingers are the eyes of the body. And…the toes are the ears.” Cooper, you are so delightfully stupid.

Blaine just wants him to stop telling him how awful he is, please. Flashback to Baby Blaine in a sweater vest and Brooks Brothers embroidered pants dancing and singing to “MmmBop” as a teenage Cooper tells him that his balance is off.

Baby Blaine lisps, “I just learned to walk three years ago?” No excuse, buddy! Rachel Berry won her first dance competition when she was nine months old!

Well, adult Cooper has no memory of that, but he just wants to hang and be friends, okay? “…okay.”

Artie trains Quinn on the Steepest Ramp in Lima to encourage her. It’s cute, he’s sweet and funny and is so happy to have someone who can identify with him on this one all-consuming aspect of his life, and they’re just sweet. He does try and explain that going to Six Flags is going to suck, because it’s not meant for the physically disabled, or at least they’ve not made accommodations for people like them. He hopes she’d consider going with him on a different outing? Quinn looks scared – finally – but puts on a brave face and says that she will. (But she is fighting the idea that she won’t get out of the chair.)

It’s the first Master Class with Cooper. (His bulletin board is all head shots and “Now Playing!” and it is so damn funny. Oh, how I hate these sort of classes, and yes, it’s just like this a lot of the time, if you’ve never been to an Acting Seminar.)

“I’m about to pour you a tall glass of This Is How It Is,” Cooper explains. They’re all hanging on his every word. His rules are:

  • Don’t go to college, that’s a waste. (Matt Bomer has a BFA.)
  • Don’t go to New York. Theater is lame and Broadway is dead. (Rachel and Kurt panic.)
  • TV and Film is where actors shine – Hollywood is where they should be!
  • When taking a head shot, turn into the pose.

I cannot stress enough how wrong all of this is. I’m sure you caught that, but it’s so funny how horribly wrong his advice is. Kurt, however, writes it all down, much to Blaine’s aggravation. (Something to note: Kurt is wearing Blaine’s yellow pants from “Michael.” Best thing about a gay relationship when you’re similar in build: you’ve just doubled your wardrobe.)

More rules:

  • Point. Always point.
  • Ignore everyone else in the scene so you can focus on yourself.

Blaine would like to argue these points, but it’s not like he’s the international star of an Internet site, is he? Exactly. They manage to make a Nicolas Cage joke (screaming, ignoring everyone) and Matt Bomer: I will surrogate a child for you, just so you know.

He takes it to Level II by pulling out his audition sides from NCIS. Cut to: Tina on the floor as a dead cross-dresser and Blaine and Rachel as the detectives. Rachel incorporates every single bad rule, because she’s a quick study and Lea Michele has outstanding comic timing, and Blaine refuses to point. Cooper gets onto him, and Blaine loses it, his voice breaking as he says, “You’re my brother! Can’t you just support me?”

Cooper blinks at this. “I’m sorry, are you talking to me? Because I don’t know that unless you point your finger.” Blaine is…shocked. It almost looked like things were going somewhere else, and this really is a genius little scene when you break it down and see everything Matt Bomer just brought to the table.

Blaine walks out.

Puck and Finn work on the pool of some local MILF who flirts like crazy with them. Puck is trying to show Finn how awesome it’s going to be in California, but Finn is determined to go to New York with Rachel. Even though it’s not his dream. Puck reasonably asks him if he’s supposed to just give up everything he wants to do for Rachel? Can’t she act in LA? And seed: planted.

Sue is at her OB/GYN appointment with an excited Emma and nauseous Will. (I’m guessing he’s having some flashbacks to Shrewi.) The doctor says that yes, it’s a girl! And…the amnio came back showing problems. (Raise your hand if you think Sue is having a Down’s baby. I fully support that, or her adopting one.)

Cooper appears at school again; he has an audition for a Michael Bay movie that Blaine doesn’t care about. Cooper wants Kurt to stop dressing Blaine and ruffles his hair and walks off. Do not mess with the gel, sir!

Blaine realizes that he needs to sing about this and I would like to take this time to thank the people of Glee for the following scenes of Blaine working through his emotions, which involved him undressing to workout and then – naturally – showering. I try so hard to not be creepy, and then they do this. What do you want from me, people? I’m only human.

AM I supposed to be paying attention to LYRICS? Because that's not happening.

Right, back to the song. Blaine sing’s “Fighter,” and it’s a little rough in the beginning (because it feels very “I shall sing about my feelings!” which I know, it’s supposed to) but then blossoms into a great number. Darren Criss’ voice is superb now. Thank you, Broadway! “Thanks for making me a fighter,” he sings to a monitor of his self-obsessed brother.

Jesus dude in hallway gets bumped by Finn, who is Texting While Walking. Quinn tut tuts him for another PSA (for crying out loud) and this allows her to tell him that she won’t be joining them on Senior Ditch Day. She’s hanging with Artie, who is positively beaming at the news.

Becky finds Sue in her office and the subtext here is lovely.

Becky: I heard about your baby.

Sue: Oh? (she says nervously, but with controlled emotion)

Becky: I heard you’re having a girl. (Becky gets teary eyed.)

Sue: Just. Like. You.

Wonderful moment. Becky then offers Sue a protip: be more patient. Hmm.

In a combination of scenes meant to just be fun and give Diana Agron another chance to sing with Kevin McHale, they head to a skate park for handicapped bad asses (the guy with the prosthetic leg and roller blades? Awesome.) While they’re doing this and singing “Up Up Up,” the other Gleeks (sans Blaine) are at Six Flags riding The Viper and having a blast. Tina, a junior, is there, I should mention. Artie is also a Junior. Hmm, Blaine.

Quinn has a blast, gets brave enough to try rolling down a steep hill, and Artie is trying to ease her into how fun it can be – her life isn’t over just because she can’t walk anymore. Um, no, Quinn is going to walk again, okay? Well…let’s hope. But be prepared for—

“I am going to walk!” she screams in a panic. Artie wisely tells her to stop pretending like this isn’t actually happening. Ouch.

Back at the school, Jesus Kid tells her he’s been praying for her. Which is nice! But he’s praying that she’ll be able to accept what happens, not to make it so she can walk again. I really appreciate the branch of Christianity Joe Hart (Jesus) practices. It’s kind and thoughtful and without expectation, but a whole lot of hope for things to be okay.

Quinn invites him to Booty Camp, where Brit calls out, “Teen Jesus!” Sue welcomes him, then addresses the group that she’s sorry for being mean. It’s just in her DNA, like how Kurt has it encoded to poop glitter. (Cue Blaine’s WTF face.) She’s there because Will needs an adult friend (yes) and because she wants their niceness to seep into her unborn baby. So if they’ll work hard, she’ll stop being a hard ass.

Later, Blaine is shocked by a stuffed dog that Kurt is making talk in cutesy voices to cheer him up. Blaine didn’t go with him because he still Haz a Sad; his brother is still a butt face. Kurt tells him that Cooper happens to be in the auditorium, and maybe Blaine should sing out his feelings?

I’m just going to link you to the performance, because it’s a fabulous song, one (“Somebody That I Used To Know”) and two, Darren and Matt sound fantastic – and with no autotune – and the subtleties of the song and who sings which line tell a wonderful story of brothers who never really learned how to be brothers.

(And who’s thinking of a drunk Blaine in season 2 marveling at Kurt and Finn and how they get along and saying, “Wow! Brothers!” because I am.)

Cooper seems lost, and because he’s unsure of himself, he’s been taking it out on Blaine forever. Blaine just wants a big brother who will like him. They’ve never known how to connect. When they finish, Cooper says that he knows he’s tough on Blaine, and that he always has been. It’s just that he thinks Blaine is amazingly talented, and wants him to achieve everything.

Wow, that is a good song.

Blaine, because he may have been quick to anger, but he’s even quicker to accept an apology when it’s heartfelt, just wants a relationship with him. That’s a can do. Cooper lost his audition, by the way, so he’s just going to be hanging around, if that’s okay? And… can they be friends?

Blaine barely keeps from blurting out, “That is all I wanted oh my god, BROTHERS!” He does convince Cooper to make a video audition anyway, because Michael Bay needs to see him. (Bad idea. Hilarious results, but bad idea.)

In the land of Finchel, Finn proposes the whole “What about LA?” idea to Rachel, who is seriously affronted. She is not Hollywood, she is the Great White Way.

But what about Finn, sweetie? He’s supposed to hold your purse while you achieve your dreams? He could have a good paying job in LA and support her. (Aw.) And Rachel’s selfishness rears its head. “I need you to be with me so I can achieve my dreams.”

Finn shows that he’s figuring things out quickly. “I just want you to be sure that you love me, and not who you want me to be.” He’s right: don’t be with someone for their potential, be with them because of who they are right then.

Rachel is left gawping and I’m thinking things aren’t looking too forever for these two. (But come on, who’s actually surprised by this?)

NEXT WEEK: Disco! Which they all say they hate. Sex tapes! Which Santana hates (because that is private!) Bee Gees!