Previously! Whenever I see a review complain about how much there is in the beginning of each season I realize: Oh. They’ve never played open-world RPGs. Because that’s how it is – you wander, meet tons of people, get loads of quests, then you figure out which way you’re going to go – straight, evil, this way, etc. (And y’all who have read the books are basically playing with the game guide.)
I say all of this because, damn, how sad for them. Elder Scrolls, Fallout, Red Dead…they’ve missed all of that. (Not to mention D & D, Magic the Gathering, on and on.) Fellow Gamers? Our time is now. We are finally the cool kids.
And one last thing, in the opening credits, when Pyke’s gears turn and it rises – watch the bridge that connect the towers. Nice little addition of gravity, model makers. That looks amazing.
Jon Snow is dragged into Molestation Manor by Daddy Bad Touch, all busted up and bloody. Crastor (DBT) tells an entire house of seasoned warriors to get out, or else. Raise your hand if you wanted them to all go off script and beat the hell out of him? Mormont kicks Jon out of the house.
When he finally goes to confront Jon, he finds him getting his boo boos tended to by Red Leader Porkins with a gentle hand. Jon starts in on the spluttering of “He’s killing babies! Baby boys!” To which Mormont says, “And?”
Oho. Mormont knows all about this. “Wildlings serve crueler gods than you or I.” Hm, we’ll see about that. Jon is quite shocked, but hey – when the Black Watch goes beyond the wall, they need to stay in places like Molestation Manor, so they just look the other way. There are more important things to focus on. (Gilly and the others raise their hand and ask, “Are there? We don’t really agree.”)
And yeah, Jon saw a Predefremen Wight Walker thingy, and he’ll probably see it again. But for now, get back to work.
Porkins loads up the ravens onto the wagons when he sees Gilly. He smooths his greasy hair, breathes into his palm (yep, smells terrible), and smiles at her with the ol’ “So, I’m heading off to war” grin. She’s not interested so he sweetens the deal with a thimble from his mother. It’s the only thing he has from his previous life, which freaks her out, because that means he’s going to expect something, and guys? We ladies don’t need that kind of pressure, okay? She’s already running from her dad every time she hears his breeches hit the floor.
He gives her puppy eyes and cries, “Oh my god please just take it and let me have this moment!” She rolls her eyes, takes the damn thing, and then skedaddles. He pirouettes in place and sings, “I have a girlfriend and we’re in love!”
Time for Direwolf Cam! We’re at Winterfell following Hodor, when we hear Maester Luwin tell him to get Bran up for his lessons. We see Bran tossing in his sleep when he snaps awake to see his Direwolf Summer, who is standing on top of him, and when my cat does that to me it hurts, this is a small pony. So Bran is having a VisionQuest through his puppy, who is looking at him, who is really Bran looking at himself and WE HAVE ACHIEVED SINGULARITY. It’s been nice knowing yo–
Oh, we didn’t introduce anti-matter to matter and explode? Let’s carry on, then.
Bran tries to explain to Luwin that no, his dreams are actually portents, and err-body needs to start paying attention to them. Well…that’s cute, but no. Luwin has been around the world, and ay yi yi, he has cast some spells and he can’t find no he can’t find – sorry. It’s all pop culture up in my head. So when he was young he thought magic was real, too. But it’s gone from the world, just like dragons.
Someone is in for quite the surprise. Y’all thought Direwolves were gone, too, and what is standing over Bran? Mm hm. Pretty short-sighted, Luwin. But he’s a good guy and cares about Bran and puts him right back to bed, because I guess that’s what Bran’s lesson was? Let the kid see the light of day, for crying out loud!
King #73, Renly Baratheon, is holding a fun little tournament for the delight of his knights and queen, Margery. The two knights are going at it pretty strong, a smaller framed fellow and a larger knight. Ultimately the bigger fighter wins but hold the phone: that’s no man, that’s a lady! Bad. Ass. It is Brienne, who looks like a butch Tilda Swinton and there is so much right with that, I can’t even. I have lost the ability to even.
The smaller knight? Why, that’s Renly’s secret lover, Loras, brother to the queen. He is puh-issed. Brienne is offered a wish for winning, and she asks to be put on the Kingsguard, one of seven special bad asses who follow the king and take bullets for him. Sure! She’s twice the king’s size, so that should come in handy for ducking purposes.
Catelyn Stark shows up with a small contingency and speaks to Renly like an equal, because she’s bad ass, too. Loras – because he doesn’t know when to shut the hell up – starts snarking about her doing her son’s bidding and let me just stop you right there, Curls, because Robb Stark would pwn your ass. You know it, the good people of Westeros know it, we all know it.
Lady Stark makes him talk to the hand, which amuses Renly (wow, dude, that’s your lover). They wander off to talk shop, meaning Renly says, “I can’t wait to be King in King’s Landing where I can send you heads and you can send me gold.” And Cat’s all, “Yeah, you’re going to lose because you are boys playing at war, and winter is coming.” Renly is all, “Hell no you did not just smart off to the king. Brienne? Show her to her tent.”
Way to snark, Stark. She does praise Brienne, however, who seems to like it with the exception of being called a Lady herself. Brienne? I like the cut of your jib. (And ha at Renly’s earlier dismissal of “I’m going to pray, later chicks!” Yes, I bet he will be reverently saying, “Oh, god!” in his chambers.)
Theon, continuing his streak of making my skin crawl simply by existing, wanders about the squid-fireplace when Yara comes in with her attitude and smirk. That’s clearly a genetics thing, right? He’s all, “You’re so gross for letting me touch your naughty no nos!” and she goes, “Whatever, I had to see what kind of person you are,” which is the worst excuse for getting someone to rub one out I’ve ever heard. She reminds him that he’s not really family and stupid and a jerkface and he calls her fat when Dad comes in and y’all better shut up, because he has had a hard decade of being laid off and he just wants dinner on the table and some peace and quiet.
He’s got some plans, however, and they include taking advantage of Robb being gone from the north. Yara will take 30 ships up there and rape and pillage (I’m assuming she has a iron cock that’s been made just for her – it better have a squid detail on it!) and Theon…hm. Why don’t you take this dory to the village up the shore and slap some fishermen about, hm?
Well, he never! He’s actually fought in war before, and let’s all talk about the 800-pound sea creature in the room, Dad. Elder Greyjoy gave up Theon. Handed him over. Tossed him to Winterfell without so much as a by-your-leave, so why don’t we all quit with the “You suck for not being a part of this family, Theon” because you kicked me out! So that goes over as well as you’d expect, which is they all scowl and look filthy and walk off.
In King’s Landing, Tyrion listens to Shae bitch about how it sucks to be trapped in her apartment all day long when there is piss and shit in the street to frolic in. So you want out? Okay, how about we make you a kitchen wench? Uh…how about no? But, Tyrion explains, Shae is his weakness. She scowls at him, “I don’t understand your pig-filth language! Ptooey!”
Look, if Cersei finds out about her, she’ll do something bad to Shae just to piss off Tyrion. She doesn’t care, she just wants out.
Dinner with the Lannisters (minus Joffrey, who is probably sitting on his throne of lies and having people tell him he’s not weasel-faced) and it’s just as awkward as you’d think. Cersei beams at her children and talks gleefully about how Sansa’s brother is probably going to die, and how do the children feel about that? The little boy isn’t too keen on it, but Sansa, trapped between a rock and a weasel-face, knows how to play this game and simpers along with doing her duty, even though it’s eating her up inside.
Sansa goes to her room after dinner, trying to catch her reflection in a distorted mirror. (Oh, that’s a lovely touch, Show.) Shae comes in, as she’s apparently her new handmaiden? So like…do you want me to brush your hair, or…? Sansa is distraught, and she cahn’t believe that Shae doesn’t know how to properly maiden with her hands, and it’s all just so awful, and fine. Brush my hair, then. They’re both miserable, but I am hoping they’ll make friends and be BFF and share secrets and kill Joffrey. (A girl can dream…)
Tyrion is about to Level Up. He’s playing on Hard Mode from here out. He gets some Metamucil from Grand Maester Flash, pours out some wine – is he slipping some ex-lax in the merlot? – and is all, “So, let’s not tell my sister, but here’s my plan: marry her daughter Myrcella to the folks at Dorne, what do you say?”
GMF says, “I say mum’s the word, and go ahead!”
Tyrion then has the same conversation with Uncle Fester, except! It’s not the people of Dorne, but Theon Greyjoy! Fester makes a face, because yeah – ick. He also doesn’t get why. Well, an alliance with the Greyjoys will further separate him from Winterfell, they have boats… And don’t tell my sister. Uncle Fester strokes his bare chin and agrees.
And then Tyrion has the same conversation with Littlefinger. And he wants to marry Myrcella to Bad Boob Sucker Robin Arryn. Since Littlefinger has an in with those folks, maybe he could broker that? It would mean chatting up Lady Catelyn… And there’s a title and house in it, too. But… “Don’t tell the Queen, right.”
Achievement Unlocked: Seeing Eye That Knows All. Way to go, Tyrion!
Now, raise your hand if you thought the next scene would be everyone having wicked gas pains and poots? Just me? Okay.
Instead, it’s chicky bow wow time with Renly and Loras playing hide the sausage in the King’s chambers. Well, they’re about to when Loras is all “Wah, why did you let a girl beat me?” And Renly’s all, “Did you see her? She’d kick my ass!” but Loras goes, “You know, as much as I like this, you’re supposed to be boning my sister, and this is Game of Thrones, so siblings are way too invested in each other’s sex lives. So how about you keep it in your pants until she comes in?” And Renly’s all, “Bzuh?”
Time to get drunk so he’s not grossed out by lady buckets! He’s staggering around when Margery comes in and says, “Hey, like my dress? Don’t you think it’s prettier on the floor?” [undresses] and Renly is just wishing her chest was flatter as he tells himself that vaginas are really just inverted penises, right?
As she’s lipping his face, he finally gets bothered enough to shove her off, because he needs to Lancelot a sword out of a stone, if you catch me, and she’s totally cool with it! So what, he wants to maybe take her from behind? She can put her hair up in a helmet so he can pretend it’s Loras? UH WHAT. Brohemian Rhapsody, you weren’t fooling anyone, she’s knows, okay? She’ll just bring Loras in, then when it’s time to make the snake spit, she’ll just hop in there lickity-split so she can have his baby and ensure they keep their kingdom. And she’s all “helpful grin!” as she’s saying this.
You’re not helping, Margery, even though you are officially the coolest beard in history.
Cersei knows about the plot and attacks Tyrion for daring to sell off her only daughter (like she was sold off to Robert Baratheon and like Sansa is being held against her will for Weasel Teat). How dare he threaten to sell Myrcella off to the Dornish people! Oho. Well played, Tyrion, well played. She reminds him that his piece of paper will never be safe around her fingers, and she hates him and he leaves, ready to get back to work saving his ass. Tyrion, you are my favorite.
There’s a beautifully shot scene of Theon Greyjoy in a dark room holding a letter he’s written to Robb, warning him of his father’s plans to attack. He rethinks it, though, and burns it. Damn, son! Greyjoy is all in.
Cut to him at the sea shore – and seriously, can no one in this place wash their damn faces? I already assume it’s too much to comb hair, what with the wind and all, which then begs the question, why don’t you all shave your heads? Easier, I’d say. I’m off track, sorry. He’s at the sea shore getting baptized into Cult Take Shit From People And Leave Them Raped As We Sail Off (they should work on a better acronym) and Theon looks unbelievably grim. Well, that’s your family, bro. Should have stuck with Winterfell (even though they all think you’re a prick, too). Genetics are a bitch.
Tyrion is taking his daily Metamucil when Littlefinger storms in, pissed about being a pawn in his game to find the rat. He’ll have no more of it! Oh, too bad, because Tyrion had big plans for him. And since he actually needs Littlefinger alive, it would benefit him. Also, he now knows he can trust Littlefinger, and how about a trip to hang out with Lady Cat?
That’s when Bronn comes in. He’s found Grand Maester Flash, and he’s got company. (Hoark.) They bust in on Grandpa ZZ Top with a hooker and drag him out of bed crying. But! He’s working for the Lannisters! Always has!
Tyrion just doesn’t care for lying liars and back stabbers, regardless. “Cut off his manhood and feed it to the goats!”
Guard: We don’t have any goats?
Tyrion: FFS IMPROVISE YOU NITWIT.
Grand Maester Flash says that Jon Arryn knew about the incest, so…come on. He had to go. And so did Ned Stark! He’s loyal to House Lannister! Well, buddy, there’s a new sheriff in town, and he don’t like loose cannons, so lock that summbitch up in a Black Cell. He needs to think about what he’s done, doesn’t he? And, because Tyrion is a true gentleman, he tips the whore. Twice.
Tyrion and Uncle Fester chat about Shae’s new job. Fester is very impressed with Tyrion (as he should be) but let’s not forget that Fester has been around a long time and through many changes. He tells Tyrion a riddle: “A full plane crashes on the United States and Canadian border – where do you bury the survivors?”
Tyrion: I hate riddles.
Fester: WRONG. You don’t bury survivors. And you never challenge a Sicilian when death is on the line! It was a trick! Also, power is where it’s perceived, so don’t be fooled into thinking Joffrey has power. Or the gods. Or me – wait, no, I’m always going to have power. By the way, for such a short man, you sure cast a huge shadow.
Shae: Why do you think I walk this way? (BOOM!)
Cut to: the guys (and Arya) headed to the wall. Arya can’t sleep, so she polishes her sword over and over. Yoren shows up, tells her to go to sleep, but she can’t. How about a bed time story, then?
“Once upon a time I watched my brother get stabbed in the heart and die. I obsessed over the boy that killed him until one day, I buried my +2 Ax of Cleaving into his skull so hard that his mother’s womb ached. Good night!”
It’s no Goodnight, Moon, I have to say.
And that’s when a horn of warning sounds and Yoren rouses the kids to fight or get screwed when dead. (He’s so colorful, the old scamp!) He tells Gendry and Arya to hide, and turn tail and run if things go south. Which means things are going to go south.
He confronts the soldiers who have returned (with their brothers, and their brothers’ friends and…) and mouths off, because he is a BAMF. He then gets ARROWED and is all “Yeah, I’ve had worse. Also? Crossbows suck, because you have to reload, dumb ass – SWORD-FACE’D!” He then proceeds to straight up murder eight more soldiers, but more keep coming and HOLY SHEEP SHEARS one of them plunges his sword right into his spine and it’s all over for Yoren. No!!!
Oh, right: you can’t love anyone on this show, or they die. I HATE YOU, TYRION. (Oh god. No one tell me any spoilers, okay? But…oh god.) Arya and Gendry don’t follow the rules and get into the thick of things. Cartman hides in the woods, Butters takes Gendry’s bull helmet, ready to play Captain Chaos, and people are being killed left and right.
Captain Cupcake (the one who was after Arya’s Twinkie the Kid) is all “Sweet, luscious, precious boy, do save me!” from his cage, and Arya hands him an ax through the bars and runs off. All of the potentials are overwhelmed by the soldiers, however, including Butters, lying on the ground with an arrow in his leg.
One of the soldiers asks if he’s okay. “Well, quite frankly, I’m not. As you can see, I’ve been horribly wounded, and I could use a bit of a carry, if you’d be so kind?”
“Of course!” [stabs]
Well, there goes Butters.
The soldiers address the group, demanding they turn over Gendry. Just when it looks like someone’s going to point at him, Arya calls out, “Well, he’s right there.” She points to Butters. “See his helmet? He loved it.”
Butters! Oh, smart thinking, young lady. Cut to black!
I LOVE THIS SHOW. I could have used some Fire Crotch Mage and Dany and the Dragons, but we’re getting a lot of that next episode. I can wait.
(And I’m thinking the Goldcloaks need to Snow White Gendry, if you catch me.)