Are you kidding me? Wait, it’s not what you think. Let me tell you a little something about me: I like being happy. I like things that make me happy. And guys…disco makes me happy. WAIT, DON’T GO. When I was in college as a good Mormon kid, we had to be creative to have fun. (No booze, coffee, dry humping, and no Saturday Night Live. Thanks, LDS church for buying the NBC channel and blocking that.) There was a cover group in Salt Lake City called the “Disco Drippers” and my BFF and I used to hit the thrift stores, get outfits (I seriously have some awesome satin pant suits), and rock out at the roller rink.
Because that’s where the Drippers would play. Well, bars sometimes, but roller rinks! And it was packed with people in their 70s finest. Whatever, that’s a good time. I would like to present to the court that I have my own gold lame boot roller skates. Yeah. Brooklyn: we go hard.
I would also like to tell you how much restraint I am using right now for not posting OMG BLAINE SEXY DANCING IN CLASS for two thousand words. You’re welcome. So Blaine is day-dreaming in Spanish class (because it’s the worst class at McKinley, and that’s saying something) while wearing a purple polo and gold bow tie, and props to the costume department for reusing clothes on kids in high school. He starts think-singing “You Should Be Dancing” and runs his hands over his—
I can’t even finish. Anyway. Mike and Brittany are also in this fantasy; they all bust out some sweet disco line moves, and Mr. Darren Criss keeps up with the two professional dancers with two parts charisma and one part they’re not doing anything overly complex, but then he does a toe touch and I have lost the letter R f om my vocabula y because my b ain has been f ied.
And the reason why Blaine is think-singing (and then actually performing) disco is because National’s theme happens to be Vintage, so… Will thinks this is a marvelous plan. Did he ever tell y’all about the time he won Nationals and—
YES. They remember. You did disco, Will. The main problem is that the kids hate disco. (Really? Debbie Harry? Earth, Wind and Fire? There are some good songs. Gloria Gaynor, what?!)
Will evidently has doll friends that he’s made of the kids, and wonders about some of the seniors and their lack of dreams. Or skill sets. Or know-how. Good job, McKinley! And specifically he’s thinking of Finn, Mercedes, and Santana. Meanwhile, Santana announces to the class that she does have plans, thank you, and they happen to be getting famous at any cost. Brittany stores this away in her brain. (Unfortunately pushing out the ability to turn door knobs, so I hope you’re happy, Santana. There’s only so much storage space in Brit’s head.)
Will whines to Sue about not knowing how to actually inspire and teach kids, and after she coughs “toldyouso,” she then says that Will should do one of those “whole album” projects he’s so fond of. And pick the greatest generation-defining album of all time.
The White Album! No, dummy. Saturday Night Fever! I would like to remind everyone that this movie was nominated for an OSCAR. Because of lines like, “No, Tony, you can’t fuck the future! The future fucks you!” and my personal favorite (no, really), “You assholes almost broke my pussy finger!”
But Will needs to sweeten the deal by putting a prize to be won out there, because those Gleeks love them some swag. Wheels in Will’s head keep on turning…
Cut to Mercedes and Kurt at the lockers for some exposition on Mercedes’ life, since she’s dropped off the face of the planet for a few eps. She has mundane college plans but hold the phone, a young man is approaching them nervously, and while he does admit to going to Carmel High and is a member of Vocal Adrenaline, he’s their biggest fan. Kurt “Enchante’s” him at that, and it all comes out.
Jesse St. James is their new coach, he’s a hard ass, his parents are hard asses, and he just wants to be “the real me.” The real me is “Unique,” sass, class, and heavy brass…balls. Unique is like the love child of Kurt and Mercedes, actually. Or Leon Talley and Beyonce. Fierce, is what he’s saying. They smile at him and say how they hope he can be him one day!
Well…Unique is a woman. A heels and suh-queens wearing hunk of fabulous, thank you. Kurt and Mercedes exchange worried looks. (Because it’s Ohio. It’s not safe for Unique was my initial take on it.)
In the choir room, everyone looks at the ground with weird expressions when Santana, Brittany, and Blaine walk in. Blaine grins from ear to ear—it’s a disco floor, just like in The Jerk! I mean, Saturday Night Fever! It’s Sue’s personal floor, actually, and it’s here so everyone can tap into their inner “As good in bed as you are on the dance floor” Tony Manero. Awesome lesson, Teach!
And Tony went from rags to…well, not riches, but he did get a one dollar raise before losing his job, almost raping the female protagonist Stephanie, then is involved with a drugged gang bang with the sad girl Annette who follows his group around, and then his best friend dies. Happiest movie of motivation ever!
But about that dance off… The winner gets the iconic Tony Manero white suit and black shirt. Kurt, obviously, is all over winning this thing. Sue and Will lead off (they’ve had a conversation with Jesus Joe and Blaine already, so they’ve come prepared) with Will singing in Bee Gees falsetto, and Matthew? You are a talented man. You are. Please don’t do falsetto. You did it with Prince, too. Just use your natural tone. (And who else noticed that Kurt didn’t sing any of these songs?) Joe starts to sing, and my ears need a moment, because they’ve just had love made to them. (Samuel? I very much enjoy your voice.)
Joe and Blaine drop into the splits, I make dolphin noises, and then Santana rocks some moves and we have a full-fledged Soul Train happening. Highlights: Sue’s eyes bugging out when Sam pelvic thrusts, Finn’s horrible finger-pointing dance moves, and Kurt’s cartwheel. They all end up doing the electric slide and I love watching Lea Michele play it down in the background, because girlfriend knows how to work a stage dance.
The three finalists are announced: Santana! Mercedes! And…Finn! Cue the trombone wah-waaaaah noise. Oh, but Will had his ulterior motive: these three are the ones he’s most worried about because they’re 17-18 and don’t have the remaining 70 years of their lives mapped out already. What slackers! This is the worst thing ever (no it isn’t) and they need to have this settled right this minute, or their lives are over! (No, they won’t be.) Their assignment is to perform a song off SNF and then tell everyone their dream. I’m almost on the floor from that heavy hand, come on.
Mercedes says in a voice over that she does have a dream, thank you very much. She wants to be a huge singer. She just has absolutely no idea how to do that. I love this, I want to mention. I think this is a huge problem for most people and think it’s important to talk about. She just wants to blow up, like a volcano or….a Disco Inferno! Hit the song with Brittany and Santana bringing the back up. (Brittany finally got some feature work this episode, yay!)
Of course Mercedes sounds amazing. Then she comes out in a red dress and her hair is so fly and I love this beautiful girl. AMBER. You are lovely. She has some cute dance moves along with her singing and Sam sits in the back filming her on his phone because he still has heart eyes for her. She finishes and then shares her dream: “I want to be Mariah, but you know, not cray with a weird husband. I just have no idea how to do it.” There’s also the thing about her parents thinking it’s a bad idea, fruitless, not worth the time, and I just want to hug her and there-there her.
So, Mr. Shuester? Whatchu got? “Well, the best always succeed.” Um, no they don’t, actually. The most determined (with actual talent) succeed, after they’ve met the right people. She says that sure, she’s good in that particular classroom, but what if she’s not that great in the real world? Oh, my heart is aching for her. That’s such a valid fear. (But hang on, guys!)
Finn and Rachel aren’t speaking to each other, because they’re planning on being in the 50% of marriages (that don’t make it, I suppose) which Kurt helpfully points out is stupid. Puck grabs Finn’s attention, wanting to know if Finn is going to LA or what, because Puck is a little skeert to go by himself. Really, bro? Also, Finn has no clue what he’s going to do. Puck just wants him to go big and leave home.
Sue brings Kurt and Mercedes to her office to get onto them for conversing with the enemy (Wade/Unique). No, see, they just wanted to keep him safe from bullies, etc., by telling him to not get dressed in drag for a performance. Sue thinks the opposite—he should dress in drag! The audience will hate him, they’ll lose, and New Directions will win First Place, yay! She even has a pair of size 13-W platform sparkle heels for them to hand-deliver to Wade. Kurt is distracted by the shiny. (Oh, Kurt.)
Santana, wearing a peach pantsuit, and guys? If Naya Rivera can’t make that look hot, and she makes everything hot, let’s all agree that pantsuits should never come back. EVER. Okay? But she comes out singing “If I Can’t Have You,” and sings it straight to Brittany, and there is so much lady love in this episode, it’s just a beautiful thing. Brittany even wipes away a happy tear at the end. Aww! Will automatically assumes this was about Santana’s wish for marriage equality and how she’s going to become a lawyer.
Uh…no. It’s about Brittany always being her partner, true (“Score!”) but also about how she will never settle for anything less than being the most famous person ever in the history of ever. Sorry, Gayberry, but you are going to be stuck auditioning for the next 20 years just to hope to get swing for the chorus on Nunsense, while Santana’s living the life of Jolie in LA.
Rachel tweets Finn to meet her in the auditorium so she can say that she no longer cares about her dreams, you know, the ones she’s had since she was two? And has relentlessly pursued them her entire life? Thrown away like a used tissue! Because she needs to focus on his dreams. Aww. That’s terrible. I mean, I’m not saying Finn shouldn’t have dreams! But they should just, you know, use this important time to achieve some goals on their own, maybe? Because if it’s a forever love, it will simmer on the back burner? Oy, I hate this message, guys, I’m sorry.
And she calls him her “home,” not Broadway. NO. I’m sorry. No. This is wrong wrong wrong. Rachel “Barbra” Berry, you were born for Broadway!
Time for a number to seal the deal on Berry throwing her life away, “How Deep Is Your Love?” and I would like to reiterate that I love Lea Michele’s voice. She’s talented, without question. Please stop jazzing up pop songs. Please. Just sing it, we’ll still hear your talent, promise. This number is intercut with a montage of Finn being handed college applications in a meeting with Will, Emma, and Rachel. See how deep is their love? It’s “Waverly College of Animal Husbandry” deep. (That’s deep.) He’s touched, they kiss, and Emma tells him that he has a choice of local schools with scholarship options and other schools are…out there.
“Thanks!” He gives them all a smile, leaves, and throws all of the brochures away. Aw, Finn.
Santana walks the halls and is getting far more attention that normal. Huh. Artie rolls by and says, “Watching Two Girls, One Cat”—(omg, hahahaha)—“was like staring into the face of God.” Oh, is it, Artie? Watching your former girlfriend with the woman who took her away from you is awesome? Wow, you’re a better man than I would be.
She sees Brittany and asks, “Why is everyone staring at me like I’m Finn and I just won a butter-eating competition?” Oh! That’s because of the sex tape Brit put online, yay! Wait, what? That was something private!
Oh, Brit knows. That’s why she spliced in scenes of Lord Tubbington doing household chores. Cut to her cat, wearing an apron on his back and wash pads on his paws, meowing piteously. He hates scrubbing floors. Now, laundry, that’s something he finds to be purr-fect.
(I’m sorry.) And I would like to say that he sucks at windows. Streaks all over the place. (You can’t lick them clean, Lord Tubbington!) But now Santana is well on her way to being famous, yay!
In a touching scene that reminds us that if Cory Monteith is in a room with a really good actor, he can deliver an emotional scene. (Instead he’s with Matt Morrison, so it’s oversold with too much hand emphasis, but the kernel is there. Cory: have emotional scenes with Chris and Mike!) Finn knows what he wants to do forever: be young. (Forever young! I want to be…forever young.)
So hop on that, Mr. Schu. Whatchu got? Oh? What’s that? Nothing? That’s just what Finn thought you had. (I really liked this, I must say. That fear of his—that’s poignant. I like you, Cory.)
Will’s solution: Finn needs to watch a movie about a kid whose parents have no respect for him, has a dead end job (Um, Hummel Tire and Lube is solid work, folks, and it’s not bad money, either. No, really.), and is an amazing dancer and maybe could get a job teaching old people how to cha cha. Perfect for Finn! The dreams that hurt are the ones we don’t dare to dream. Oy, I just got smacked back down from that heavy hand.
Santana tries to explain to Brittany why a sex tape isn’t exactly the way she wanted to go about this “get famous” thing, but Brittany’s done her research and that’s exactly how you get famous. That and be on a reality show. So start storing your poops and hair clips and chip bags in your car and they can get her on Hoarders! Or eat disgusting things like bull testicles. (Brit only has the one, because she got hungry on the way back from the slaughterhouse. But don’t worry, they taste just like chicken testicles!)
Brittany? Heather Morris? I have missed you. Welcome back. She kisses Santana on the cheek and says, “Just let me know what you want, and I’ll support you!” Cutest couple, right? Love them.
Mercedes and Kurt stop backstage before Wade goes on to perform. (Oh my god, I love Kurt’s clothes in this episode. Chris Colfer, you are just a gorgeous creature.) They want to tell him to not go out in drag. Kurt says nervously that he’s worn some crazy things in the past, but he’s never dressed like a girl before.
“That’s because you identify as a man. I don’t. I thought you of all people would understand.” Three snaps in a Z formation, Miss Thang. What a wonderful reminder that was—errbody isn’t the same, folks. Every gay man isn’t the same, every gay woman isn’t the same. Not all transgendered people think of themselves as gay. Love it. Many colors in the homo-rainbow, never forget!
Jesse St. James shows up with insults—“If it isn’t the laziest person alive and the pasty-faced ghost boy”—and ushers them out. Cue performance: Unique is in a short black tasseled number, a short bob, and those high heel platforms and she is ROCKING. THIS. NUMBER. Alex Newell? Fan for life. I am a fan for life. She is dancing, she is shimmying, and she can sing.
Jesse freaks out and shoves past everyone, orders Wade off stage, but see: that’s Unique out there, honey. Mercedes and Kurt are rocking out in the wings, happily wrong, and even more important: the audience loves it. Why wouldn’t they? Unique is fabulous and fierce, and I have to applaud you, Glee, for such a great surprise.
Finn and the band wait for Rachel in the choir room, and he tells her that he needs her to make his life work, he has a new forever dream (huh?) to be an actor, and he’s going to James Lipton’s school of Over-Emoting and Overly-Dramatic Pauses, aka Inside the Actor’s Studio. (Um, it’s just called The Actor’s Studio.) So yay, they can be in NYC together! Way to ret-conn, writers.
Time to sing about it! “More Than A Woman,” and it’s a bit nasal in the beginning, but the more Finn sings in falsetto, I buy it. (I mean, the Brothers Gibb own that song, but you feel me.) It moves to a montage of them and the class performing the number with all of the couples being adorably in love. Mike and Tina! Brittany and Santana! Kurt and Blaine! Aww. Please note that Kurt is leading and there’s a fingertip kiss on one of those dance moves, and it’s all just super sweet I can ignore the fact that Rachel was going to change who she was for a boy and now Finn is going to be an actor.
Kurt and Mercedes talk at the lockers about the egg on their faces from the whole, “Don’t be who you are!” advice they gave Wade, the hammer falls on how wonderful dreams are, and then Sam pulls Mercedes aside to show her a little something. He posted that video of her singing to YouTube and there are already 500 views and 500 people ready to believe she’s the next big thing.
I mean…come on. That is so sweet. I can’t even. I have lost the ability to even. He is super cute and supportive and calls her baby, and I like that a lot and then they kiss and I like that even more. Samcedes! It is couple love all up in here and nothing hurts.
Sue has Boobs McGoo and TinyBrain Sugarbutt in her office to read Santana the riot act for being nearsighted. Oh, not for the sex tape, Sue has like, five of them most notably with her, Oliver North, and a sweaty Newt Gingrich. She’s mad because Santana needed to plan out her life, not just expect it to happen to her. Santana agrees, but Sue needs to stop her right there for a second.
Because Santana has miraculously been awarded a full ride scholarship to Kentucky where the best cheerleading program in the US is. Now, it’s not expected for Santana to be a cheerleader forever, but it’s a way to get a business degree, maybe? And don’t thank Sue. Thank Brittany—it was her idea. (Wow, that was fast?) Santana is touched, she loves Brittany, and all of the Brittana in this episode is glorious!
The three finalists turn out to be the three winners, and Santana, Mercedes, and Finn saunter into the choir room in their Tony Manero suits. Santana looks good, but Mercedes looks amazing. And the most important line in the movie is delivered by baby-faced Finn: “You know what I want to do? STRUT.” He starts singing “Stayin’ Alive” with the rest of the group coming in, and they’re all in the suits and damn, Becky can sew fast!
They all rock it, and I am happy the guys all have tight, tiny butts, because polyester is only kind to that shape of ass, let it be said.
GRADUATION IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER. I’m all a’feared of losing my favorite characters, guys. (Oh, but no spoilers, okay?)