The Bachelorette: Season Emily; Episode 1

Would you be my new baby-daddy?

Welcome back to The Bachelorette, where single-mom Emily Maynard gets to choose her (2nd) True TV Love from 25 brand new Douchetestants.

Now for those of you who don’t know Emily, she was Boring Bachelor Brad Womack’s choice…and even though their show ended in an engagement, apparently Emily wised up enough to put an end to that engagement very quickly.

I give her points for realizing what a shmuck Brad was before marrying him…but I’m pretty sure all those points are wiped out because she’s back for a second helping. But this time she’s the one choosing.

Emily is the first single-mom Bachelorette. Her fiance and baby-daddy died in a plane crash before Emily found out she was even pregnant. Her tragic circumstances and her sticky-sweet disposition make her a fan favorite.

The producers decide to try and make this a family-centric episode. (I wonder how this is going to work in the future when Emily is making out with 25 Douchetestants?) (Oh, and PLEASE let there be another skinny-dipping episode! Please!? Single-moms have needs, too…) Instead of the high-dollar Hollywood mansion, we begin this season in Emily’s hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina.

We see Emily and her daughter Ricki swinging at a park. Emily is dressed perfectly, her big boobies fitted snuggly in a tight cable-knit sweater; not a blonde hair out of place. Her sugary-sweet voice-over tells the tragic story of how her fiance died while her daughter brushes her teeth. Emily says she really hopes she can find someone on the show to marry and have kids with. Very nice. We get it. She’s pretty, perfect, and a great mommy…and she wants to be the perfect 50s-era housewife/broodmare. Nicely done producers.

“I’m 26, been engaged twice, and both times I thought it was going to last forever. I can’t get engaged and not have it work out again.” (And yet, here you are, doing The Bachelorette. You have seen the show before, right? OH right. You were a “winner” one season and that engagement didn’t work out, but surely it will this time.)

Mr. Overpaid spreads the Emily butter thick by talking about “southern single mom with heartbreak in her past and how she deserves to find true love.” This won’t be like any other Bachelorette because Emily needs to find not only her soulmate, but a caring father figure for her daughter Ricki.” (AM I THE ONLY ONE THINKING THE BACHELORETTE IS NOT THE BEST FORUM FOR FINDING A FATHER FOR YOUR KID?)

Emily awaits her twenty-five douchetestants in a beautiful gold gown. I give this chick credit, she’s got taste. She doesn’t wear too much makeup, wears clothing that fits and looks good on her and she isn’t ugly. But she can’t be that smart because let’s face it, she’s doing this show again! I know, I’m beating a dead horse, but seriously…

Mr. Overpaid asks Emily what she sees as her perfect future and she answers “A minivan full of babies.”

Oh and while I’m thinking about it…Mr. Overpaid is recently single. I have to wonder if she’s throwing his hat into the ring as Douchetestant #26. He does seem to be crushing on her. Hard.

Limo #1:

Sean, an insurance agent from Dallas, Texas. He introduces himself and hugs her twice.

David, a singer-songwriter from New York, New York who swaggers up with a sexy “Hey.” Like he’s cool-‘n’-shit. He’s sexy and he knows it. He hugs her and asks her who chose Charlotte and then said with a smarmy look “I’m glad you’re the Bachelorette.”

Doug, a charity director/realtor from Seattle, Washington. “I’m a hugger, if that’s okay.” He tells her he left a little boy at home and tugged at her apron strings…

Jackson, a fitness model from Lockport, Illinois. He approaches her, gets down on his knee, commands she give him her hand and then spews the dumbest cliche ever: “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away…this is one of those moments.” Hang on, I just threw up in my mouth…

Joe, a field energy advisor from Los Angeles, California, jumps from the limo screaming “EMILY! Look at you! You look incredible! I’m so excited!” He gives her a hug and looks her over and says “Man you are gorgeous.” But the way he says it, I’m a little worried he might be batting for the other team. If he’s the first to form a Bro-mance, we will know for sure…

Limo #2:

Arie, is a race car driver form Scottsdale, Arizona. He steps from the limo and there is a little spark shooting from Emily’s eyes… She likes the way he looks. They hug, have a little small talk, and she watches him leave.

Kyle is a financial advisor from Long Beach, California. He calls her stunning and tells her he’s in awe.

Chris is a Corporate Sales Director from Chicago, Illinois. He does a Tebow number on her and tells her he’s truly blessed to be here. He then mentions praying to God that she will give him a chance. I looked, but there was no John 3:16 on his cheeks. Sadly, he didn’t complete the Tebowing moment by actually Tebowing…but it was totally implied. As he walks away, Emily says, “Aw so sweet.” Congratulations, Chris! You just made it to the Friend Zone in record time.

Aaron is a hipster biology teacher from Long Beach, California. He kisses her hand and says, “I’m a high school biology teacher,” (dramatically removes his Hipster Glasses) “but I’m here to have chemistry with you.” Clean up, Aisle Emily!

Alessandro is a grain merchant from St. Paul, Minnesota. In a deep Brawny Man voice he says, “Emily, you’re real.” And frankly, I don’t care if this boy is as dumb as a box of hammers, he’s adorable. He’s from Brazil originally. And he’s hot. I hope he’s not a tool.

Limo #3:

As the limo drives up, we have a dude in a suit on a skateboard hitching a ride…

Jef (yes 1 ‘f’) is an entrepreneur (these first impressions are not good ones, Jef-with-one-F) from Salt Lake City, Utah. He has Elvis hair and tries to have swagger as he walks away.

Lerone is a real estate consultant from Los Angeles, California. He’s smooth as he walks up with his slick-bald head and silk suit. He tells her the fact she’s a single mom is one of the things he likes most about her because that means she’s a strong woman.

Stevie is a party MC from Staten Island, New York. He looks good in his kelly green shirt and dark suit. He walks up carrying a tiny boom box (is that what the kids call it these days?) and he busts a move for her… He’s kinda funny.

Charlie is a recruiter from Nashville, Tennessee, and is wearing a white linen suit like a good Southern boy should. He’s pretty cute and nervous.

Tony is a lumber trader from Beaverton, Oregon, and he approaches Emily carrying…are you ready for this? a pillow and a glass slipper. Oh goody! “The name’s Charming, Prince Charming…and I’m looking for my princess. I believe in fairy tales, I believe in love, and I believe if the shoe fits that me and my pricess will live happily ever after.” He gets on his knee and slips the shoe on her foot. It’s a stripper shoe, btw. Tony wants you wrapped around a pole…

Limo #4:

The door opens and we see a shaky cane, blue satin dress and a gray wig. Randy a marketing manager from Hermosa Beach, California, makes his way toward Emily and in the worse granny voice ever tells Emily “I’ve seen all your episodes. I have someone I would really like you to meet. I think he would be perfect for you.” (Hmmmm, really? Are you the wolf in Grandma’s Clothing, Randy?) Then he throws off the wig and costume and introduces himself. He’s not ugly,but why on earth did he do that?

Nate is an accountant from Los Angeles. He tells her she’s gorgeous, she tells him he smells good then as he walks away she whispers, “So cute.”

Brent is a technology salesman from Fresno, California. He puts a nametag on and says once she knows who he is, she can come take his nametag off of him.

John “Wolf” is a data destruction specialist (niche market much?) from St. Louis, Missouri. He tells her his good friends call him Wolf and she ignores it.

Travis is an advertising sales rep from Madison, Mississippi, and he steps out of the limo holding an egg. You know when the quirky music starts to play that this is probably going to be an awkward moment. The egg is a symbol for beautiful people like Emily and Ricki and he will take care of the egg like he will take care of them. Okay, we just found our second member of the first Bro-mance couple.

Limo #5:

Michael is a rehab counselor from Austin, Texas. Michael? Hanson called, they want their hair back. Also, they want to know why you died their hair brown. They liked it blond. “I brought something for you,” he says putting his hair behind his ears for the 4th time since he stepped out of the limo. “I’m a music lover. I brought you a guitar pick so you can remember who I am.” Dude, I think you playing with your hair is probably a little more memorable than the guitar pick.

Jean-Paul is a marine biologist from Seattle. They hug, he introduces himself and tells her he’s excited because he actually doesn’t know that much about her. Dude. Never tell a girl who’s been on TV that you don’t know her.

Alejandro is a MUSHROOM FARMER from San Francsico, California, and speaks to her in Spanish. He’s from Colombia and he keeps talking to her in Spanish and I’m a little in love.

Ryan is a pro sports trainer from Augusta, Georgia, who is fighting for his right to tan. He wrote “Everything down so he could remember.” He pulls out a piece of paper and on one side it says YOU’RE SO BEAUTIFUL. and on the other side it says I’M SO NERVOUS. I give him points for cuteness.

Next off the limo…OOPS, NOPE not the limo, it’s a helicopter! One of the douchetestants is being dropped off by his own personal chopper. Kalon is a luxury brand consultant from Houston, Texas. “Hi, Emily. Sorry I’m late.”

The other douchetestants are watching from the window. “Whoever this is, we aren’t going to like him.”

Kalon walks into a room of silence. OMG I love it when the boys act like bitchy little girls. Dudes. This guy has his own chopper. You have a 1-in-25 chance at Emily, but your chances of being Kalon’s new BFF are much greater! Let the Bro-mances begin!

Oh wait, this is Emily’s journey for love and a new daddy for her baby. I keep forgetting.

Emily walks into the party and she gives a proper Southern belle speech, thanking them for being here. She admits to being a hopeless romantic and asks the guys to just be open to the experience.

She’s getting recruited by different guys…pulled from dude to dude. We see Brent tell her he has 6 kids and would she like to see pictures? (Well, she did say she wanted a minivan full of kids…)

Chris gives her a bobblehead of himself and one of her. They do a bobblehead scene.

Mr. Ostrich Egg is very excited about his egg.

Jef-with-one-F says he hopes the guys are really good guys because of what she’s been through. I think his hair has its own zip code.

I'm using the 2nd "F" to pump up my Pompadour. You can reach it at Postal Code 902FU.


Doug is still playing to her apron strings and he pulls out a note written by his 11-year-old son.

Mr. Overpaid steps out with the 1st Impression rose and tells Emily, “No hurry, but you know what to do.”

The dudes are all bitching about the helicopter guy. So we get to see Kalon with Emily and he tells her he would have walked there for her if he’d had to. He was raised by a single mom and is a hopeless romantic. He gets interrupted by Sean who asks if he minds if he gets some time with Emily. Kalon says, “Well of course I mind, but I don’t think it’s up to me.” Then there is an awkward silence where even the crickets aren’t sure if they should chirp and Emily finally dismisses Kalon and goes with Sean.

Meanwhile, back in Manty-ville the Party DJ is Emceeing his disdain over “helicopter guy” being such a tool. (As opposed to showing the world your wadded-up panties like a bitchy little girl?) Kalon walks in and says, “Are you talking about me again?” and Emcee boy says “Absolutely.” “Why aren’t you talking about Emily?”

Arie admits to Emily that he’s a race car driver and he knows that Ricki’s father died on his way to a NASCAR race. He asks her if she’s okay with that given her tragic past. She appreciated him telling her and says racing is actually the only sport she understands and she’s completely okay with it.

Doug pulling on her mommy-strings really worked because Emily presented him with the 1st Impression Rose.

The Emcee Bitchy Pants is just happy Helicopter Boy didn’t get it.

Chris thinks he deserved the rose. Dude, bobbleheads are cute, but they are not the kind of 1st impression you really wanna be making.

It’s time for our first rose ceremony. I’m not gonna lie, I hope Emcee Bitchy Pants gets at least one more shot, just because he’s gonna make for some awesome Man-gina TV.

First Douchetestants to be sent packing:

Brent and his 6 kids.
Lerone and his smooth head.
Mr. I-don’t-know-that-much-about-you Jean-Paul
Grandma Randy
Take your breath away Jackson
David the smarmy singer/song-writer from New York. He was sexy and he knew it. She just didn’t get the memo.

Well at least Little Emcee Bitchy-pants will return next week! And let’s face it, Travis and his Egg got very lucky. Honestly, she should have sent him packing over Lerone… I wonder, will the Egg go on dates with them? Is it like that bag of flour the public schools use to teach abstinence with?