Carry On My Wayward Son plays, the season finale is upon us.
Last we left everyone, Dick had summoned Crowley to SucroCorp. Now, don’t get it wrong, Dick Roman is a gracious host. He may summon you and entrap you, he’ll most likely threaten you, but the man will also offer you a tumbler of some top shelf booze and that ain’t bad.
Crowley isn’t a cheap date though and he doesn’t forgive easily. He remembers Dick Roman’s harsh words from the last time they met and figures Dick wouldn’t be friending him up if he wasn’t in a bit of a spot himself. Crowley knows that Dick has the prophet and knows the score, just as Dick knows that if Crowley goes up in smoke his will clearly bequeaths a vile of his blood to Messrs. Winchester and Winchester.
So here’s the deal, Crowley, you give Dick Roman your full backing by handing Sam and Dean a vile of generic Tri-State demon blood and in return he’ll give you entirety of Canada to wheel, deal and string up by wires. Crowley accepts. Dick Roman is a fancy lady, a working gal, a pretty woman, and as such doesn’t let intimacies like kissing get in the way, so Crowley pulls out an elder scroll about as long as Sam Winchester and they get down to weeding through the legalese. Party of the first party shall not screw over the second party or else the first party will end all existence above and below, blah, blah, blah.
As for the brothers, well, it seems Dean Winchester’s penitent for tasteless asides turned out to be a spark of brilliance in Sam’s opinion. Dean isn’t so sure, but the alternative a nude angel car modeling for Entomology Weekly and he’s not okay with that. So Sam and Dean make their way to a nunnery crypt, and with the burial ledger sort of the most righteous of the righteous. Once they agree on a deceased nun that was in it solely for the lord and not for the fame and glory the uncork her and steal her femur.
While everyone takes care of business, Bobby is still driving the maid’s bones. He’s watching Dick Roman on the news and you can practically see the vengeful steam coming out of his ears. Her ears. Whatever.
Sam and Dean are ready to bake their cake, they just need Crowley to pony up the last ingredient or else it won’t rise in the oven. They chant their chant, but Crowley doesn’t magically appear. Dean feels like the unpopular girl that bought a pretty dress for the prom before she knew the jock was just screwing with her. Before he has time to burn down the high school gymnasium, there’s a knock at the door with Meg on the other side of it. Maybe Sam and Dean got their Latin twisted? No, turns out that Meg’s plan of making like a tree was thwarted by a babble angel with a crush, but she’s not having it, emotional and mental breakdowns are not her thing. They are Dean’s though, it’s old hat at this point.
Dean finds Castiel in the car listening to “Vincent” and contemplating whether the song is really about Van Gogh or if it’s a hidden message about Bob Ross, whether cosmetic animal testing is animal cruelty or a cruel joke on animals. Dean rallies him up and gets him inside where Castiel rambles on about shoes and ships and sealing wax and recognizes Sister Mary Constant from the scent of her decaying leg bone. Just another day a Winchester, Winchester and Co.
The good news is that Castiel followed his gut and went to check on the prophet and his angelic keepers, the bad news is they were dead and Kevin Tran was gone. Castiel’s garrison is gone and he’s alone and he’s completely passive on the fighting crime front. He’s not down to wield, slice, dice or throw blows.
Meg has a bigger concern; the summoning ritual remains scattered about and Crowley suddenly swagging into the room. Crowley is confused because Castiel is supposed to be dead and he’s fairly certain that the Winchester’s neglected to mention that he’s alive and well. Okay, “well” is debatable, because Castiel is far more interested in the butterfly effect and honeycombs than angels.
Bored with the circus, Crowley gets into how Dick had him trapped and offered him a deal, but that he’s no Alpha Vamp and he’s not going to toe that line. The brothers are distrustful and Crowley tells them they’d do well to stay that way, being Fox Mulder is the way to live. Trust only leads to heartache, ya know.
Crowley is willing to give the boys his blood, but not before letting it know that Castiel is vital to the mission and that’s the only reason he’s not deep-frying Meg in transfats as they speak. This gets the first physical reaction of Castiel we’ve seen in a long time.
Dick Roman and his assistant, Susan, are strolling down the hallway checking their Twitter accounts when Dick tells her to go fetch him something from the freezer. Turns out Dick Roman has a bit of Mulder in him as well and doesn’t think signed contracts will stop Crowley from screwing him blind on their deal. The freezer pop turns out to be this whole weird thing with an arm in a box. It’s not the Judge’s arm though; it’s the real Richard Roman’s appendage.
Remember Kevin Tran? He’s in advance placement and, oh yeah, he’s the prophet. He’s still captive in SucroCorp, locked in a room with a Dazed and Confused extra named Polly who’s busy munching on a Twizzler. Not promising at all. An employ comes in with some dry cleaning and tells her to get dressed and she passively does. Kevin is less passive and uses a bobby pin to blow that popsicle stand. Well, he tries at least, but Susan one hell of an assistant.
Dick Roman has gathered a conference room full of Leviathan wearing some seriously powerful corporate faces. He’s discovered a glitch in their food Matrix, if you want to eat well you need fat, happy cows, but what happens when you have hyperglycemics overeating the crop and not gaining the girth? Cattle with a defined waist is a total waste. So Dick and his crack lab have devised and additive to creamer that instantly kills anyone with who’s short or smart or has a speedy metabolism. He’s breeding his own form of superior race here. He knows that his fellow teeth-heads want to see results so he gives them a live demo with the waifish Polly. Good-bye Polly, we hardly knew ye.
Back at the cabin, Sam and Dean are ready to bathe their sacred bone. There’s no ritual, no fireworks and they just have to assume they did it right. Castiel shows up with a sandwich prepared by fine Christian angels and no sweet tea to drink, a 100% corn syrup free meal for his growing boys. He’s still adamant about not going into battle though. On that note, Sam and Dean head to SucroCorp.
They’re minding their own business, just staking out and hacking feeds, when a truck pulls up. Sam recognizes the maid and knows Bobby’s riding her coattails. If that weren’t enough, their eye in SucroCorp’s sky is showing them not one, not two, but way too many Dick Romans to contend with. Dick Roman definitely knows the secret to mass production cloning. Sam goes after Bobby, leaving Dean to watch Doppeldickland.
Sam runs up to Bobby and scolds him for being in the maid. Wait… oh, you know what I mean. He warns Bobby that there are cameras all over and all this is going to accomplish is getting the maid eaten. Bobby replies by forcefully pushing Sam away. Sam tries an approach full of logic and reason: Bobby has no way of killing Dick. Bobby counters by drawing a blade with one hand and choking Sam out with the other. In the nick of time, Bobby finds his inner Jiminy Cricket and bolts out of the maid’s body, vanishing from existence. Which of course means Sam has to take care of her. And by “take care of her”, we mean drop her off at the nearest E.R.
She’s gonna be fine, Sam relays to them during their cabin reconvene. Meg is pissed the boys chose to same one human instead of storming the gates. Dean fills her in on the Dick gangbang going on a SucroCorp. Castiel is still unwilling to help. After all, he’s pretty much curses with the suck, everything he touch turns to apocalyptic dust. Dean tells Castiel that no one cares about his feelings, internal or regarding this situation, and to man up and glue himself and his mess back together.
Way harsh, Ty.
Castiel agrees and vanishes. Meg cannot believe she has to once again spell out the wonders of the universe for these humans. Castiel and the Leviathan share a bond, much like that of a mother and baby. Castiel can visually distinguish which Leviathan is Dick and which are poorly polyjuiced carbon copies. Castiel reappears with a game of Twister that really should have been played.
While they continue to try to figure this all out, Bobby comes back full of insults and blame gaming. See, never mind that he chose to remain on this plane knowing the consequences, the real problem is that the alone and mourning brothers should have burned the flask the minute they had it. Bobby says he still wants to hit the possession crack pipe. The only rehab that Bobby wants is peace. He lays down some words of wisdom and the brothers solemnly meltdown his flask. The flame of Bobby’s final demise lights up Dean’s face.
Dean’s had enough of all this, it’s time to get serious. He commandeers Castiel to flutter him back to the Impala so he can start taking care of business. Castiel reminds Dean that the are all harbingers of epic bad luck and that tiny bit of forgiveness pulls Castiel out of his pacifist funk.
Speaking of the Impala. She’s back, prettier, shiner and more horsepowery than ever. She’s speeding down the road straight into SucroCorp, gates and marquees be damned. When the glass settles it isn’t Sam and Dean meet the bullets of SucroCorp’s security, it’s Meg climbing out of the driver’s seat, walking head on into the hail of gunfire. Her distraction allows everyone else to make their way inside.
Dean and Castiel are off to find real Dick, while Sam’s is rescuing Princess Advanced Placement. They’ve spotted Dick, but so far not the real deal. They finally find him down in the lab, sipping on creamer cups and waiting. Dean pulls out his righteous bone and stabs Dick right thrown the chest. Dick promptly removes Dean’s bone from inside himself and snaps it in half. Good thing that was the decoy and in a moment of hesitation and over-gloating on Dick Roman’s part Dean stabs him through the throat with the real bone.
Right about this time the Sam and Kevin also find themselves in the library, because the prophet insisted on them blowing up the lab. However, the only thing to do right now is watch Dick blow his load. It’s survival of the fittest, bro, and right now Dick ain’t looking too fit.
Dick’s head explodes and when the goo clears Sam finds himself alone with Kevin.
And Crowley. Tricky thing about God weapons is there’s always a catch. This catch sent Dean and Castiel straight to purgatory. And Crowley, greedy demon lord that he is, leaves Sam to figure it all out while whisking off Kevin Tran.
Now Sam is left alone to figure out how to get everyone back.
Down in purgatory, the lost souls of rage and death are stalking Castiel and Dean through the blackened woods.
Nothing like a cliffhanger to end a season.
What did you guys think of the finale? Of the season? Any deep thoughts or bones to pick?