Tonight’s show opens with Emily meeting a group of friends at the park; they talk about how excited they all are about her dates this week. Then we see Mr. Overpaid explaining the show to the Douchetestants, because you know, otherwise how can he justify his paycheck?
He drops off the first date card and one of the Douchetestants says, “It just got real.”
Yes, because this show is nothing if not real…
First date card goes to Ryan. His response? “I wasn’t really surprised to hear my name called.” Um, ego much? Also, do you carry a miniature Vidal Sassoon in your pocket to do your hair? That shit is never out of place.
We are in the Den of Douchebaggery where the guys are all bitching about Ryan getting the date card and comparing their granny panties. Emily picks Ryan up and she’s nervous because he’s “so good-looking.”
They pull up to her house…and he helps her unload groceries (not a euphemism). “Ricki has soccer today, and I’m the snack mom. You’re going to help me make cookies today.” (Again not a euphemism. This show would be so much more fun if they would let me do voice overs during the dates.) Okay, let’s stop here for a second. Someone needs to slap some sense into this woman. First off, “snack mom,” you don’t make cookies for the soccer team. You buy a couple of boxes of fruit gushers or cheese and crackers. If you want to be healthy, you cut up oranges and apples. But you don’t MAKE cookies. Stop making the rest of us look bad with your perfect hair, perfect rack, sticky-sweet disposition, and your damn homemade cookies.
The Douches are back at Dickhead Ranch discussing the odds of Ryan meeting Ricki. I have to say, I was wondering this myself because I personally take issue with parents who introduce their kids to everyone they text or test drive. Especially early on. Emily tells Ryan that she’s not ready to introduce him to Ricki yet, so he needs to wait in the car. Um, yeah, I would say “good girl” except she’s parading 25 dudes and her kid on camera…so I’m not really sure having Ryan wait in the car matters much. Also, you’ve already done this show once before, I’m pretty sure Ricki gets that you like to taste the samples from every aisle in Costco.
Emily makes a big deal out of Ryan helping her out with her everyday stuff. Now that the mundane mommy date is over, they’re gonna go to dinner. Ryan is hoping for a jet somewhere. He says, “I’m okay with this date. I mean, yeah, I’d love to be jetted off or whatever, but I feel really special that Emily was real with me.” Interpretation: Fuck this shit. I mean, I get it, she’s a MILF and dude, I know that means I’d have to put up with the ankle biter, but c’mon! This is the Bachelor! Where’s my helicopter ride? Also? My hair looks awesome.
Well, he gets a sports car ride instead of a chopper ride. Emily hands him the keys and he drives them to dinner, where a group of people are standing with cameras at the ready. It’s like Charlotte, North Carolina, thinks that Branjelina are in town with their half-dozen kids.
The best part of the dinner, besides the awkward conversation, is when Emily says she doesn’t want to be a “prize” to be competed for and won. Sweetie, this is The Bachelorette. It’s basically a reality game show where 25 Douchetestants compete to win your heart. I think that might even be the tagline.
Back in Man-gina Manor, the next date card arrives: Group date time! Alejandro, Nick, Alessandro, Tony, Michael, Jon, Jef-with-one-F, Kyle, Charlie, Chris, Aaron, Stevie, Kalon. This will be awesome because Stevie aka “Emcee Bitchy Pants” and Kalon aka “Chopper Boy” will be spectacular to watch as they piss on Emily like she’s a fence post and compare the size of their man-ginas.
Let’s go back to the date…where Emily hands Ryan the rose and they walk outside into the crowd, where her favorite band Glorianna serenades them with “I Should Have Kissed You” and they dance on a small stage in front of the crowd. There is no kissing, even though the song is telling them they should totally make out. I think Ryan whispered in Emily’s ear, “Don’t touch my hair.” But I’m not sure.
Group date time, the 13 guys show up at a theater where Emily informs the group they will be performing today and raising money for her favorite charity. Charlie starts to freak out. He apparently has stage fright.
Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy are there to help. Tony (sans his glass slipper) is very excited and starts talking in a very bad Kermit voice. The Muppets crack the whip and the guys start rehearsing. Fozzy Bear shows up and tells the group that Charlie is in that they are going to do comedy. Charlie starts to have a panic attack. He’s sweating, pinching his forehead. We find out that he actually fell from a balcony, crushed his head, and was in a coma for a while. He had to relearn everything and is very insecure about his speaking. This is his biggest fear.
Charlie goes to see Emily privately and tells her that because of his disability he’s not sure that he can do the speaking, but he would be happy to sing and dance. She’s happy he talked to her, and switched him over to the dance squad.
Okay, so now comes the moment where Charlie is put on the spot by Miss Piggy during the show. They do a segment called Miss Piggy Live where 3 Douches are picked to answer Miss Piggy questions. Charlie is one of the chosen…and he’s asked, “What do you tell a woman when you want to impress her?” He was nervous but he answered well…and Emily’s response? “I was like a proud mama.” Uh, honey? Word of advice… I’ve always maintained that nobody wants to fuck their mama, so probably you shouldn’t treat the dude you may eventually lay nekkid with like a kid. You know, nag him, baby-talk him, tell him you’re a proud mama when he performs with the muppets…
It’s cocktail party time, so the douches will be douching it out for the date rose. Chris is first with the one-on-one time…Emily tells him that he’s so good-looking and she loves the fact that he’s so down to earth. I do a double take because I’m trying to see what she sees. I don’t think he’s that hot, but I’m not wearing my beer goggles.
Next is Jef-with-one-F… Emily confronts him on why he hasn’t been around much on this date. She’s all school girl with him and wants to know why he hasn’t noticed her looking at him. She’s been begging him with her eyes for attention all day and since he hasn’t been giving it to her, she feels like his awkward, pesky little sister. Jef-with-one-F says he thought he caught that look a couple of times, but he’s not the only one getting that look. Um, yeah dude. You’re on a group date. That’s how it works.
Emily really likes Jef-with-one-F.
Emcee Bitchy Pants is talking to Emily about how to dance…Charlie walks in on them and runs to get the boys to watch Emcee Bitchy Pants dancing with Emily and no music. Kalon (Chopper boy) busted in on them, and Emcee Bitchy Pants gets pissed. Chopper Boy just sat down to talk when Aaron the Hipster busts in on them. Kalon asks him for two minutes with Emily and then he’d be glad to walk away. Hipster says he can’t wait two minutes. Kalon says he isn’t going to put Emily in the awkward position of having to choose, so he hopes they enjoy their time together and he excuses himself.
He rejoins the Circle Jerk and tells his story when Emcee Bitchy Pants says, “You did the same thing to me. I would have loved 5 more minutes with Emily. I chose not to stand there and have a conversation about it with you. I chose to walk away.”
Chopper Boy says, “I appreciate it. Was that your charity of the day?”
MCBP: No. You wanna be a douche, be a douche. That’s why I don’t like you.
Chopper Boy: I wouldn’t like me either if I were you, bro.
Emily joins the Circle Jerk to give the date rose to Jef-with-one-F. Chris is very upset, because he didn’t see anything special with her and Jef-with-one-F. “There’s no way he had a better conversation with her than I did.”
Now it’s McJoe’s date. Emily says “I think Joe’s really hot. I think he looks like Matthew McConaughey.” See? It’s not just me!
They take a private jet to Emily’s homestate of West Virginia. She takes him to Greenbrier which is an old resort, spa, fancy-shmancy place that Emily’s been going to since she was a little girl.
Meanwhile, back at PenIsland…the guys are lying around the pool getting a tan. One of them asks, “Is anybody nervous about taking on the role of father?” Kalon says it’s a weird idea of embracing someone else’s child as his own. He always imagined his first kid would be his own. “It’s a big step and I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.”
One of the daddies on the show says, be sure you’re ready for that responsibility because Ricki is the most important thing in Emily’s life, just like his son is the most important person in his life.
Kalon says, “Yet you’re here, so you decided to put being a father on hold.”
Daddy: Did you say I chose to put being a father on hold? I’m going to let you back up, then apologize. I’m here because my kid told me to do more for myself. Here’s a question, do you think Emily is putting being a mom on hold?
Kalon: No, that’s why we’re here in Charlotte.
It’s dinner time with Emily and McJoe. I’m actually very sad that Emily has fantastic taste in clothing. She makes me miss Bachelorette Ashley so much. She looks amazing. Damn her and her class.
Emily goes in for the kill questions pretty quickly. “Ideally, where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
McJoe: I hope I see myself happy?
Emily: And what does that mean?
McJoe: Happy as in no regrets. Happy with the decisions I’ve made. At the end of this, if it’s you and I standing, I’ll pack my bags and go wherever you want to go and start a new life.
Emily: And what does that mean? To you?
McJoe: Tell me what it means to you? What do you think?
Emily: I have a daughter. And I want a lot more kids.
McJoe: I don’t want to say that I want to get married and kids like a textbook. A lot of these things can’t be planned out.
In Emily’s private interview, she admits she’s not feeling butterflies. She sends McJoe packing.
Emily: I’ve had such a great night with you. I take all of this really seriously and I appreciate you putting yourself out there. I want to see where I fit into their life, and I don’t see where I do or my daughter fits into yours.
McJoe: I get it. We can part ways now. Thank you, it was a great opportunity. Thank you so much.
Emily: He’s a great guy, but I’m not the right fit for him.
Now here’s the question…they’re in West Virginia? He lives in Florida? Are they just going to ship his suitcase to him from North Carolina? That awkward moment when you have to do a three-state walk of shame.
Cocktail party time…
Emcee Bitchy Pants and Glass Slipper Tony are all pissy because Ryan is talking to Emily and he’s safe. So Tony goes to interrupt and walks in while Ryan presents a letter to her. A SEVEN PAGE LETTER… Why didn’t he leave? Why didn’t he say, “Emily, I’ll give y’all this moment, but I’d love to see you when you’re done.”
Finally, the letter ends and Glass Slipper boy gets his turn. Tony admits to her that he has a 5-year-old son named Taylor and leaving him was hard but he’s in this to find love.
Poor lonely Kalon, he sits lonely and alone and pouts about being the outcast of the group. He gets his one-on-one time with Emily and she asks, “What makes you think a girl is worthy of a shot with Kalon?”
“It’s intangible. That feeling in your chest when you’re sitting in a swing with a girl.”
“And we’re in a swing right now!” *smile* *flirt* GAG
Emcee Bitchy Pants: He’s a rich kid and stuck up. I don’t care what he says, he’s not the right guy for Emily.
Rose Ceremony time…Emily says she’s having a hard time figuring out who to send home. That seems funny to me, because I would send home about half of them. Emcee Bitchy Pants being #1. (I’ll admit, I kinda like Kalon and his fat wallet and giant vocabulary and his air of superiority.)
The two roseless Douchetestants are Hipster Aaron and Kyle. Both leave with tears in their eyes… Kyle says his heart is broken. Remind me? Did Kyle spend any time with Emily at all? No? So he should be able to get over his broken heart pretty easily. I can suggest a Craigslist ad if he has a hard time thinking of ways on his own.