In this episode of
Will You Be My Baby Daddy The Bachelorette, we travel to Croatia, land of stray cats and pussies. Seriously, because just about every douche cries on this episode. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t think all dudes who cry are douches. I actually dig an appropriate shedding of a dude tear every once in a while. But c’mon douches! You’re crying on National TV because you’re getting rejected for Step-Daddy Douche and you’ve barely even spoken to the chick…This…I just don’t get.
Anyhoo, here we are in Croatia where we will see a lot of gratuitous pictures of stray cats, but we will not see anymore gratuitous shots of Little Ricki, for she has been sent back to North Carolina with her nanny. I’m guessing that now that Emily is openly sticking her tongue down every guy’s throat, she probably doesn’t need her little reminder around to make her feel guilty for being a little loose with her lips. Is there such a thing as a kissing slut? Tongue whore?
Emily hand delivers the first one-on-one date card to the Eggman, Travis. (Am I the only one who misses Shelley the Egg?) “Let’s explore beyond the walls.”
“There’s no one I’d rather be with than Emily right now.” Um, dude. You’re on a TV show and she’s the star. This is where I say, Duh-huh. And then I roll my eyes.
They walk through the city to the “Balancing Stone” where legend has it that if you can balance on the stone and remove a shirt or jacket, you’ll be lucky in love.
After several failed attempts, Travis finally balances on the stone, but to Emily’s disappointment, he does not remove his shirt. “I gave him the perfect set up for it. I’ve been wondering what he has under that shirt.”
Travis says he’s ready to bust out of the friend zone. I say he better start looking for real estate, because he’s gonna be located there, permanently.
Back in the Den of Douchebaggery, we see Ryan and his Ego wearing a wifebeater. He tells the guys he doesn’t think Travis is gonna get the date rose because he isn’t edgy enough for Emily. Ryan then brags about how she likes a bit of the bad boys, and he defintely fills that requirement. He’s edgy, and has a dark side that she likes.
It’s dinner time on the date, and they are talking about how much fun they have together, how silly they can be together. Emily admits she’s looking for that romantic connection and she’s hoping tonight it will come to that. This is their first one-on-one date in the 6 weeks of the show, so if he doesn’t mack on her, she’s gonna send him packing.
He tells her he hasn’t dated since his engagement two years ago. She’s surprised by this and is digging deep during the interview for some more info.
Emily picks up the rose and tells Travis that she appreciates how he’s always bringing light to the situation, and that she is so grateful for their friendship, but she doesn’t think they have the romance. She wanted it so badly to happen but the connection just isn’t there. She tells him she’s sorry, but she just can’t give him the rose.
Travis cries over being sent home. He walks away in the rain, and dramatically throws his umbrella down in frustration, allowing the water from the sky to drown the tears falling from his eyes. Very dramatic.
It’s group date time! John, Dough, Sean, Jef-with-one-F, Chris, and Speedracer will be going on the next group date, which means that Ryan and his Ego will go on the final one-on-one date. Ryan, of course, considers himself the front runner and he’s gonna bring it home on this date.
The group date: “Lasting love requires bravery.” Emily says sometimes a girl just wants to see a movie…so they head to a beautiful old theater where they get to see the movie BRAVE (which I’m dying to see) before it comes out in the theater. Of course we get to hear every guy talk about the similarities between the movie and The Bachelorette. (Several guys are competing for the princess’s hand and the princess decides to choose for herself.) Sorry guys, not the same.
After the movie, Emily informs the fellas they will be competing for her, wearing kilts. Yes, it’s the Highland Games…in Croatia. Because that makes so much sense, right? Now look, I love a guy in a kilt. They are HOT…if they are worn correctly. These guys, not so much. The best looking in the kilts are Sean and Dough. (I don’t like Dough, but I do like his body!)
First, they choose an ass to ride to the competition. And in this context, I actually mean donkey. This doesn’t help boost their image any as they all look completely assinine atop the asses.
When they arrive at the Highland Games, they are instructed on each event. Chris (who has now moved from weird to creepy to me) is all about how he is gonna OWN this competition. (You do know a good case of foreshadowing when you see one, right?)
He’s the only douche who doesn’t hit the target when shooting the bow and arrow. Also, if you can find a clip of that scene, I highly recommend you watch it. See his stance while he’s aiming to shoot? See the guys laughing their asses off in the background? Yeah, this pic doesn’t do that moment justice. He has this weird stance where he pokes his butt way out and his arms look like spider monkey arms.
Sean, Dough, and Arie do the best at all the events. Sean actually breaks the log he throws it so hard. Chris? Um…yeah. He doesn’t even throw it. He flops it.
Jef-with-one-F also struggles with the log toss which isn’t a surprise because he’s slightly small. He does do better than Chris though because he was at least able to give the log some air time.
The next event, Chris loses again. It’s kinda like a tug-of-war over a stick. Chris chose Doug to tug with. Which cracked me up, because Dough is so much stronger than Chris. Hell, my 73-year-old mom is stronger than Chris. Anyway, Dough pulled Chris over to his side in about 2 seconds.
Emily hands out a “Bravery Cup” to Chris, saying that even though Sean kicked everyone’s ass, to her bravery was about trying even though you’re failing. I love it. She basically told everyone that Sean is hot and sexy (which is its own reward) and that Chris gets the consolation prize for failing. Of course, every time she called it a Bravery Cup, I kept thinking of it as a jock strap.
At the group date cocktail party, Emily spends one-on-one time with everyone and part of that includes making out with everyone.
But…and I’m not gonna lie here…the best, sexiest kiss of any Bachelorette ever was on tonight’s show. Arie and Emily are walking and talking, taking their time getting back to the group. They look into a store window and Arie gently pushes Emily against the wall, and kisses her until I melt.
It was sexy.
The group date rose ends up going to Chris because she really feels strongly about that Bravery Cup. I think he just got the Awkward Award.
He really creeps me out. Ugh.
Okay, it’s two-on-one date time with Ryan and his Ego. “The world is our Oyster.” or as Ryan says, “The world is our pearl.” And immediately I think “Flick the pearl” and I realize wow, it’s gonna go downhill from here.
Ryan is bragging to the guys about getting the first 2nd date with Emily. Arie is rolling his eyes. Jef-with-one-F says Ryan is just full of shit.
Emily is on to Ryan…she’s questioning Ryan’s motives, she doesn’t like that he says he’s looking for a Trophy Wife, but she does love his playful side. She’s gonna use today’s date to figure him out.
The entire date is spent with Ryan shmoozing the living shit out of Emily. He thinks it’s charming…and probably in person, it’s a lot more charming than it comes across on screen. I’m not gonna lie, I can fall for a line when delivered by a hot piece of man meat. But damn, this man meat has so many lines, it makes me wonder how much BS he’s got in his system.
At dinner, Ryan pulls out a list of 12 things he wants in his woman. And of course, they’re all ridiculously self-serving and shallow. My favorite was: #8 somebody that’s a servent. A person who puts her family before herself.
Emily: Can I be honest with you? When I’m around you, I feel like I need to be perfect all the time. I don’t want to fit into somebody’s mold.
She picks up the rose and says, “You were the first guy I asked on a first date and the first I asked on a 2nd date. You’re funny, good looking, and a good kisser. But, your list…to be honest, on the top of my list would be a loving family, not a perfect one. That wasn’t on your list. While I have so much fun with you and see so much in you that I adore, I don’t know what we want is the same, that is why I can’t give you the rose tonight.”
Ryan: That is very shocking. I would not have seen that coming. I can’t help but think that maybe you’re making the wrong choice. I think I’m maybe just right for you. But you won’t get to see that.
Emily: This is the first time I don’t know if I’m making the right choice. I have formed a relationship with you.
Ryan: Why won’t you give me the chance to show you the man I am at this point?
Em: One thing that I said is that I want to trust my heart. It’s hard for me to put into words what I feel because a lot of it doesn’t make sense. I don’t know if I would be the woman to make you happy and that’s not something anyone wants to feel going into a relationship. I’m sorry. I can’t give you the rose.
Bye Ryan. When you leave, don’t forget your ego. Oh, he didn’t! His ego shed some real tears from that bruising blow it just got.
The dudes are excited to see Ryan’s suitcase being taken from the house. Ryan is sure the guys are shocked and sad that he’s not coming back. The guys are high-fiving and hugging.
Arie sneaks out, goes to Emily’s apartment, and tells her he’s very glad she was able to see through Ryan’s BS. Then they make out. And it is SEXY.
I don’t know who she’s choosing, but if sexy make-out sessions count, Arie is #1 in my book.
It’s COCKtail party time and Emily is determined to spend some quality time with Dough and John because they are on the chopping block. I don’t see how John is even still on the show, since he hasn’t even had a one-on-one date yet. Anyway, during their alone time, he pulls out his grandparents’ memorial cards and tells her that nobody (now everybody) knows he carries them around with him. Then he cries. But this time, the crying doesn’t bother me because it is a tender moment.
Still there’s a lot of estrogen in this episode.
Emily takes her alone time with Dough to the next level by forcing him to put his arm around her. She tells him she wants to be pursued a little. Dough is the only person who hasn’t kissed her yet.
Dough cries in his private interview. These tears are not endearing. These tears make me want to punch him in the face.
Rose Ceremony time, and one douche is going to be sent home. We are down to Dough and John and Emily doesn’t know what to do. Dramatically, she leaves to find Mr. Overpaid and we’re led to believe she’s just gonna send both home.
She comes back and says she’s not giving out the last rose and both John’s and Dough’s faces fall. But then Mr. Overpaid comes in with two roses and instead of sending both dudes packing as she probably should, she keeps them for one more week of trials, tribulations, and interviews.
Next week we head to Prague. Where we get lots more sexy make-out scenes with Arie…oh, and with all the other guys, too.
It also looks like Awkward Chris loses his Bravery Cup and cries.
This show just isn’t the same without the tears of a douche.