True Blood 5.03: Whatever I Am, You Made Me

True Blood airs Sundays at 9PM on HBO
PREVIOUSLY: Sookie and Lafayette broke Tara and got real sad about it, Terry’s going on a roadtrip with Patrick, Alcide isn’t going to be the new packmaster, Sam and Luna broke up before Luna’s weird kid turns into a wolf puppy in pajamas, Pam flashbacked, VAMPYRE BYBLE, Tara ran away, CHRIS MELONI, and Chris Meloni agreed to let Eric and Bill hunt down Russell Edgington in exchange for their lives.

We begin with Tara escaping Sookie’s house and running through the woods. Apparently, vampire senses will let you look at opossums and also appreciate the true beauty of the Milky Way galaxy, which are two extremely useful things for them to do. It’s a little dorky in the way that all MY NEW SENSES ARE SO MAJESTIC scenes are, but Rutina Wesley is so stunning that it’s less dorky than it would have been if, say, Sookie had been made vampahr. Tara is being pursued through the woods by Sookie and Lafayette, who keep yelling for her and scarring away all the opossums probably. Tara zooms off once again, getting out of their range for good, and comes across a woman trying to change her tire. She cuts her finger open right before she notices Tara lurking, and asks if Tara can help her out. Tara drops fang, and the woman immediately looks terrified, but also blurts out that she’s pro-vampire rights etc. AS TARA IS CLEARLY APPROACHING HER TO ATTACK. IF THERE IS EVER A TIME TO NOT BE ACCOMMODATING TO EVERYONE, THIS IS IT.

And to digress, this is one of the several things I never really get about vampire media as an allegory for social issues. On the surface, yes, vampires as oppressed people looking for equal rights seems almost legitimate, but that falls completely the fuck apart as soon as you think about it. Humans are a food source for vampires. Straight people are not a food source for LGBT people. Willing donors and TruBlood don’t even matter, considering we’ve seen nearly every single vampire on this show attack or kill somebody at some point, mainstreaming or not. Vampires are basically magical zombies, and I feel like humans would react the same way to both of them. And rightfully so.

I think what I’m saying is, in the event of vampires being real, I’m going to be the angry vampire-hating ponytail from last episode. Fair warning. VAMPIRES ARE WACK.

Tara slams the lady down on the hood of her car, but manages to stop herself from biting the lady after catching her own reflection in the window. Tara apologizes, then disappears into the night once again.

Authority HQ. Rehash of last week, wherein the council members argue back and forth some more about killing Bill and Eric for putting Russell in concrete EVEN THOUGH THEY BASICALLY MADE THE DECISION TO LET THEM GO IN THE LAST EPISODE. Jesus Christ, writers, WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. WE WERE THERE. TAKE SOMEBODY’S SHIRT OFF, THERE ARE LIKE FIVE SEPARATE CANDIDATES FOR GOOD SHIRTLESSNESS IN THAT ROOM. Everyone argues, that little kidpire’s vehement acting is fucking embarrassing, and they decide, again, to let Bill and Eric Elmer Fudd it up on Russell’s Bugs Bunny. I’m going to call it now that like every single member of the Authority except for Peter Mensah and Roman is a Sanguinista.

The council is dismissed, and Roman orders “the new Nan Flanagan” to be sent in. It’s Steve! Hi, Steve!

Fangtasia! Sookie barges in, demanding that Pam help her find Tara. Pam, being reasonable, is all “No,” while doing the speedy Franklin texting thing. Pam informs Sookie that Eric’s been missing for four days, and furthermore, Sookie hasn’t done shit in the way of keeping up her end of the bargain. Sookie’s like “I don’t care! Eric isn’t currently my problem, so he in fact does not exist. Logic.” Pam says it’s always Sookie’s fault when bad shit happens, which is both true only a little bit unfair. Like 20% of the bad shit is stuff she had no control over, Pam!

Pam, frustrated, shoves Sookie across the room. Sookie, in turn, fairy-fists her into a wall and stomps off. Pam gets up and yells at everyone who’s staring to keep dry humping and buying her overpriced drinks.

Bon Temps. Sam, moping around outside Merlotte’s, finds Tara hiding in the bushes, covered in blood. He’s all “????????” and she’s all “:|=” (that’s a vampire face) and he’s all “:( :( :( :( :(” She tells him she’s hungry.

Authority HQ. Roman fills Steve in on all the Russell deets, namely that Russell is going to start chomping humans in earnest and it’s going to be very bad vampire PR. (VamPR. That’s the name of the PR firm I would create for vampires if I ever was turned into a vampire before they realized I hate them.) Steve is smooth and political and really bitter about his former life and the people he was surrounded by, and Roman picks up on that bitterness. He asks if Steve really thinks humans are so far beneath him, considering he was only turned into a vampire four months ago. THANK YOU, ROMAN. I knew I liked you. Vampires always seem to forget that they were human first.

Roman gets kind of feely with Steve, which is beautiful because Steve makes all the same faces that any of us would make when faced with Christopher Meloni getting really butch and foxy in your personal space. He tells Steve that, if Bill and Eric fail, Steve needs to be there to convince humans that not all vampires are Russell Edgington. Steve furiously hides his boner and agrees to the job, saying he won’t let Roman down. Roman’s like, “You’d better not,” and Steve looks very close to requesting a spanking before Roman lets go of his face and sends him on his way. Roman tells Salome to make sure Bill and Eric are “harnessed and scanned” because he doesn’t want a repeat of the necromancy bullshit from last season. Us fucking either, Roman. Salome also looks very close to requesting a spanking. SPANKINGS FOR EVERYBODY.

Harnessing and scanning with Tina Majorino! She makes them take their shirts off because she’s a good lady, and fixes them with silly little apparatuses in the shape of crosses. Apparently the harnesses are called iStakes (kill me) and they’ll stake Bill and Eric if they step out of line at all, because there’s an app for that (no seriously, I need to be dead).

Tina Majorino: [deadpan] Just think of it as a training bra.
Eric: [deadpan-er] It’s been a long time since I wore one.
Bill: ???????????????????????????????


She also tells them not to fuck around with the harnesses because they’ll die. “You guys are too cute to be goo.” It’s true, though! I think she’s a human, but I’m not sure.

Sookie’s house. Sookie and Lafayette clean up the damage from Tara’s vampnado and discuss how they can’t find her and they hope she finds a place to sleep by sunrise.

Over at Merlotte’s, Sam gives Tara all the TruBlood he has, watching warily as she drinks like 30 bottles of it. He tries to convince her to let him call Lafayette or Sookie (“She’s your best friend!” Love it when we need to be reminded of this!), but she refuses so hard she passes the fuck out.

Bon Temps PD. Andy strolls in, energy drink in hand, as Kevin and the dispatcher giggle over a computer screen. They ask him if he’s been working out, then reveal that they’ve been looking at his shockingly decent (dude’s built like a cuddly tree) n00dz online. One of Holly’s kids uploaded it to Facebook. Andy is upset, but way less upset than he probably should be. He starts to stomp off, but a shitstorm blows into the PD in the form of Debbie’s weirdly normal parents.

Jason grocery-shops and has an awkward (on her end) meeting with his former teacher, who totally went all Debra LaFave on him. For her part, she seems ashamed that it happened, but Jason charms her into friendliness.

Merlotte’s. Arlene might break up with Terry if he doesn’t start talking blah blah blah. I hate that nobody on television trusts the people they’re married to enough to tell them shit. It’s a really lame way to create drama. ANYWAY I just want to know what the hell is going on with this storyline, because it’s got the potential to be totally awesome or totally stupid, depending on the endgame and how long the writers drag it out. Meanwhile, Sookie goes to Sam to see if he’s seen Tara, and he can’t help but think of her exact location, so she reads his mind and gets it.

San Francisco, 1905. Eric visits the biggest little whorehouse in SF, and is uninterested in all of the girls who are not Pam. Pam’s like “A merchant doesn’t compete with her merchandise!” but Eric and we all know that there’s no real competition. It turns out that the prostitute murderers—well, two of what we can assume are many—are Bill and Lorena. I don’t know how they fixed Lorena’s makeup, but she looks way better now than she has in any previous seasons. They’re totally gross with this one prostitute, but Eric and Pam appear to…probably not save the day, but Eric intimidates Lorena into skedaddling with Bill. It’s hilarious, because Bill tries to be super intimidating back, but he’s a full three-and-a-half feet from being at eye-level with Eric. Pam, hilariously, demands five hundred dollars for every dead prostitute from Lorena. After Bill and Lorena leave, Eric and Pam make out in earnest.

Over in the most realistically set-designed Southern teacher lady house I have ever seen, Jason rekindles the passion with his old teacher. THIS IS NOT HOW YOU FILL THE CHASM OF ANGST INSIDE YOURSELF JASON.

The Pelts confront Alcide at his construction site. He tells them about how fucked up she was, which is what I’d want to hear if my daughter was missing. Look, if Alcide isn’t naked in the next episode to counteract how boring this storyline is, I’m gonna write a letter.

Similarly boring: Andy, at Merlotte’s, questioning Sookie about Debbie. SOOKIE’S WORKING FOR ONCE. When Andy fails to get any information out of her, he runs into Holly in the parking lot. She apologizes for her sons being horrible, and they cute at each other for a little while. Relationship back on, I guess!

Letorneau Place. Jason and the teacher fuck, but it doesn’t fix what’s broken in Jason and everyone is sad again as he leaves.

Authority. SALOME TELLS US ALL THE BIBLICAL TALE OF SALOME FOR LIKE 15 MINUTES. She gets sympathy from Bill, and then also gets dick from Bill. This actress is really ridiculously attractive, but they are putting her in the fucking worst clothes, damn.

SHITTY BOUTIQUE. Jessica, similarly wardrobe-afflicted, tries on more ugly and stupid dresses. I don’t know why they’re doing this to her, but everything is short, tight, hideous, and cheap-looking, like her entire closet is from Forever 21. She snipes politely with the owner of the shop, who also knows Jason carnally. The shop owner goes to help another customer, a young dude who claims to have 16 sisters, but probably is just shopping for stuff to make him feel pretty. We know he’s a fairy (the credits list him as Claude) because Jessica immediately turns into a giant vampire puppy, sniffing over the saloon doors and beaming at him with her dress half-off. The dude bolts when he sees her fangs, and she chases him even after he’s driven away. She finds his car abandoned in a field, and dances around it like a lunatic, yelling about how she can smell him everywhere.

Fangtasia! Hoyt appears in eyeliner and fishnet. I immediately began to laugh, and still have not stopped. Pam recognizes him and says he’s Jessica’s, but he corrects her. She sort of rolls her eyes and tells him that he’s gonna get eaten alive with his eyeliner and desperation slathered on so thick like that, which is actually really caring and concerned for Pam. Hoyt ignores her warning. He’s gonna get fangbanged if he wants to.

This triggers a flashback for Pam. She remembers lying in bed with Eric after sex, telling him about her fears of dying alone. Eric’s sort of sympathetic, but also sort of “Tough shit” about the whole thing, and he puts his clothes on to leave her. She one-ups him by slitting her own wrists, forcing him to either watch her die or turn her. SPOILER ALERT he turns her.

Authority HQ. Eric and Salome talk in Salome’s room—she tells him she knows about his connection with Nora, and about how he was Godric’s best beloved. He knows she’s trying to get under his skin, so he tries to get under hers, telling her that Nora’s betrayal must make her look really bad, considering she’s Nora’s sponsor. Salome’s response is basically to get naked. It’s like the vampire version of FUCK YOU I’M TAKING MY PANTS OFF AND TURNING INTO AN OWL, except better because you get to maybe sleep with Eric Northman.

Torture chamber with pumpy thing full of stuff. Nora gets tortured by the Southern lady council member.

Southern lady council member: Like we say in Texas, if you find yourself in a hole, stop diggin’!
Nora: Like we say in Surrey, sod the fuck off, you cunting twat!

The Southern lady council member intimates that she’d totally be up for a threeway with Eric and Bill if the opportunity arose (“That’s a sandwich I’d take a bite out of”), and convinces Nora to confess by threatening to kill Eric and Bill with their training bras. Nora yells a bunch of crap about blasphemy and Lilith rising again, but it’s possible she’s just saying what the lady wants to hear. The lady congratulates her, then puts more silver in her.

Jason’s house. Jessica tries to get on Jason’s dick because she’s all hopped up on fairy dust, and Jason just wants to sadly become one with his couch forever because he doesn’t know how to correlate his boner for everyone with the rest of his personality. He asks Jessica to leave, but Jessica says fuck that, borrows a pair of his sweatpants, and offers to let him talk it out. Like friends. I love you, Jessica. Love you forever.

Merlotte’s. EVERYTHING EXPLODES, EMOTIONALLY SPEAKING. Tara wakes up in the freezer at Merlotte’s, attacking and killing Arlene, except it is just a dream from how Lafayette is holding a TruBlood under her nose. She shoves Lafayette through the freezer door as Alcide asks Sookie what the hell is going on RE: her nonchalance RE: Debbie being on the loose. Everyone goes into the kitchen to see Lafayette on the floor and Tara emerging, staring daggers at all of them. She fucks with Sookie about Debbie’s death, but never actually comes out and says it before storming off. Arlene spends most of the scene hiding behind Alcide, because sometimes she’s not so bright, but other times she’s a fucking genius.

Back at Authority HQ, Salome gives the details of her factfinding dick mission to Roman while lounging around nakedly. He also pops his shirt off. Yay, 2/5 of the potential shirtless people are now shirtless! Salome thinks that they can trust Bill and Eric, and also thinks that Roman should maybe back off on the hardline mainstreaming thing. He says that they can’t, because it’s the only way to successfully integrate with humans. They hug on each other and are both very sexy.

Merlotte’s. Arlene pisses Lafayette off by muttering about how he broke Tara, and in retaliation, he dumps a bottle of bleach into some gumbo when she runs away from his spice-flinging irritation. Hey, I thought my family were the only people to solve problems that way! Lafayette catches sight of his face in the mirror—he’s got Jesus’s demon mask on in his reflection, and it freaks him out of his murderous haze. He freaks out, dumping the gumbo into the sink and having a series of mild panic attacks.

Sookie confesses to Debbie’s murder at Alcide. Alcide leaves, angry as shit. Ruh roh.

Tara trespasses into a tanning salon, climbs into one of the beds, and tries in earnest to fry herself. At Fangtasia!, Pam feels a disturbance in the Force, rolls her eyes, and mutters “You stupid bitch.” into the ether.

LET’S HAVE A PRAYER CIRCLE THAT PAM GETS THERE IN TIME. Because you know she’s totally going.