Mr. Overpaid tells the douches that this is a special date week. There will be 3 romantic 1-on-1 dates and 1 group date. The only date rose that will be handed out this week will be on the group date, so the guys can concentrate on just spending quality time with Emily.
All the guys talk about how they are definitely falling for Emily, how they definitely need more time with Emily, how they all want the first 1-on-1 date.
Arie: Let’s Czech out Prague together, Emily.
As soon as the date card is read, Chris turns into the biggest bitch on earth. He must have a yeast infection from his 2-week period.
We watch Arie and Emily walking arm-in-arm through the city, checking out the beautiful architecture and doing lots of kissing. Every time Arie kisses her, my panties melt off. I’m not even kidding. That boy knows how to kiss. And then he tells her “You are so beautiful.” and kisses her again, and suddenly my bra melts off.
Dude is sex-on-a-stick.
“I like to kiss Arie,” Emily says. “I feel like I let him know that a lot—by kissing him a lot.” Dramatic pause. “But, at the same time, I know something about Arie that he hasn’t told me. He doesn’t know I know and it’s been weighing on my mind a lot.”
We interrupt The Bachelorette for Mr. Overpaid to earn his bonus:
Mr. Overpaid Chris Harrison. I wanted to take this time to talk to you about something you may have heard or even read about. Some time ago, in fact, several years ago, Arie had a brief relationship with Bachelorette producer Cassie Lambert. Emily had no idea about this relationship but Cassie took it upon herself (gee, nice slam, Mr. O.) to tell Emily about the relationship when it became apparent that Emily was developing some serious feelings for Arie. In the interest of full disclosure, we taped a sequence with Cassie interviewing Emily about this touchy subject.”
Cassie: It’s obvious there’s something on your mind.
Emily: If he’s okay with hiding that he even knows you, much less dated you, WTF else is he hiding. He’s a good actor.
Cassie: But I don’t think he’s hiding that he knows me. We don’t even think about it anymore, it’s been so long, we don’t know each other that well. It’s been 10 years.
Emily: I feel stupid.
Cassie: I thought y’all would be good together, and I wanted you to get to know him and not associate me with it.
Emily: I’m so glad you told me, I just wish it would have happened first date. “This is my producer Cassie.” “Yeah, I know Cassie.”
Cassie: That’s my fault.
Emily: I wouldn’t care. I wouldn’t have cared, but now I feel like an idiot. I know something about Arie that he’s not telling me.
So now we go back to the date where Emily interviews Arie. “Do you feel like you’re being really open with me?”
Emily: Do you think you’re trustworthy?
Arie: Very trustworthy. It’s better to be up front and honest, almost too honest.
Emily: I agree. I want totally openness, no secrets.
Arie: You want me to be honest with you? I had a girl’s name tattooed on me that I had covered up.
We take another break from the date for Mr. Overpaid to really earn his paycheck.
“In the interest of full disclosure, Arie, Cassie, and Emily had a long talk about the issue. Unfortunately this conversation took place off camera. Emily decided that this was a non-issue…and it didn’t matter…as you’re about to see. (Are you freaking kidding me? You’ll film Courtney giving Ben a handjob in the ocean but you won’t film the only real important conversation this show has ever had?)
Arie and Emily look lovingly into each other’s eyes and make out. Ooops. There goes my skirt.
Arie: For me, this is getting serious, you know? I love it. I’m trying to sort through my emotions.
Emily: I hope I get to meet your family.
Arie: They’re gonna love you.
Arie: Can I tell you something? I think I like Croatia so much because I realized that I love you there. (Crap. Now I’m naked. He has melted all my clothes off. I need to redress).
Emily: (eyes teary) This makes me happy.
Then they kiss again, and my new panties melt off completely again. I should just watch the Arie portion of this show nekkid.
Back at the boycave, Chris is bitching about how he wants his time with Emily, wah, wah, wah. His bitching turns to moaning when John gets the next 1-on-1 date card. Someone needs to change his pad.
I put my clothes on to watch Emily and John. I like John, but damn, they are trying too hard to make these two a couple. This is their first date. He’s a sweet guy, but there is no way this boy stands a chance. Even bitchy little Chris has a better shot because at least he’s had more than one conversation with Emily.
They visit the John Lenon Wall, then they go to the lock fence where lovers write on a lock and then lock it onto the fence…which of course, John can’t lock. Emily: “This is not a good sign.”
I’m not gonna lie, this date is boring. There is no chemistry, no spark, no panty melting. They go to dinner in a dungeon and she interviews him, and he opens up, but honestly, she’s so much further in her other relationships that this really feels like a first date. I mean, Arie is already telling her he loves her, and John is on his first date. There is no way he can compete at this stage. Which is too bad, because I do think he’s a nice guy…despite his nickname of Wolf that nobody uses.
He kisses her, and my panties do not melt.
John returns to the wolfpack and is totally stoked about how wonderful his date was. Chris is all pouty and disheartened. He wants to see Emily! Wah! And he’s pissed because he’s on the group date and didn’t get the final 1-on-1 date that he deserved.
Ken Doll Sean takes matters into his own hands…even though he’s on the group date with Chris and Dough, he needs some alone time with Barbie, so he takes off…calling through the streets of Prague STELLA EMILY! Finally, his efforts pay off as he finds a girl in an alley with a camera following her. He tells her he just needed to see her and her face lights up. She’s thrilled he took the chance to come find her…they make out and I get a little tingle in my special place. Yes, they too have chemistry. Sean may not be a rocket scientist, but damnnation he’s easy on the eyes. They have a beer, they kiss more, and methinks that John’s date is all but forgotten.
Group date time with Sean, Chris, and Dough. Chris is wound so tight, he’s gonna bust out of his skin at any moment. Sean is all too-cool-for-school because he carved out some illegal alone time with Emily last night and Dough is just Dough. Talking about his kid, still being forced to wrap his arm around the girl he’s supposed to be dating. Seriously, it’s painful to watch.
Whoever gets the rose on this date is locked into the final four and Emily will meet their family.
A horse-drawn buggy pulls up and they cram into it. They go to a castle that was built in the 13th century and play hide-n-seek. It’s pretty funny to watch.
Dough: My son would be in 7th Heaven today.
Emily: Today is going to be a true test if Dough is open enough to be my guy.
Dough’s body language is horrid. He’s sitting there with his arms crossed. He doesn’t sit next to her, he apologizes when he touches her. There is nothing physical between them at all.
Emily says she knows what she must do, because it’s obvious that even though Dough is a good guy, he’s got to go.
Emily: From the very first day, I feel like I’ve been fighting for you. I’ve been wanting you to be into me. I’ve forced you to put your arm around me. I don’t feel like you’re fighting for me, like I’ve been fighting for you.
Dough leans over and sloppily kisses her.
Emily: Thank you for that. I want you to know that I was okay with you moving slowly. I fought for you because I wasn’t ready to let you go yet. I want a good guy, but I want a guy who wants to fight for me. We’re not opening up in a way at this point and I have too much respect for you to keep you from your boy any longer.
Dough: I really feel stupid for giving you that kiss.
Emily: Don’t feel that way.
Dough: Awkward hug. “Have a good one. See you later.”
In the car: “I think my girl radar is definitely broken. I didn’t expect this at all.” And then he cries real tears.
Back on the now 2-on-1 date, Chris continues his bitchy ways. He tells Emily how it kills him that he hasn’t gotten a date since NC and that he hates seeing other guys come home happy from having spent time with her.
Sean makes out with her.
Sean gets the date rose. Chris turns beet red and huffs and puffs in front of Emily. Very mature. Then he storms off and changes his tampon. “It’s insulting to hear her say she wants to meet Sean’s family more than mine. If I don’t get a hometown date, I’ll be scared for anyone around me.”
Chris is creepy.
Jef-with-one-F gets the final date. They are really cute together. Sometimes they remind me of siblings and then I get all FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC when they kiss. They do dig each other, she’s giddy and childlike around him. The more I see Jef-with-one-F, the more I like him. He tells Emily he’s 1000% in love with her and he would really like to get a dog with her. It was way cute. She said, “I was thinking we’d get another cat.” Jef-with-one-F can work with that.
Okay, let’s fast forward to the COCKtail party that doesn’t exist. Emily has made up her mind, and knows who she’s gonna send packing. Chris get’s his manties all knotted up because he really needed to talk to EMILY RIGHT NOW! OH MY GOD WHAT IF SHE THINKS I’M ALWAYS ON THE RAG!? WHAT IF SHE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND TAHT I’M NOT A BITCHY GIRLY-MAN! AND OMG I’M OUT OF MANPONS!
So here we are at the rose ceremony. First rose goes to Arie. Just watching him accept the rose makes my panties melt. Second rose goes to Jef-with-one-F. Chris starts fidgeting. John suddenly looks worried. Long pause thanks to editing…
“Emily, I’m sorry but uh, I really need to talk to you.”
Record scratch. Oh no he di’nt just interrupt the rose ceremony after a long dramatic pause!
Chris: I’m really dying inside today. I feel like yesterday, I acted like a boy. I feel like I should have been more respectful after I didn’t get the rose. I apologize for that. I’m ready to be the man that you and Ricki deserve. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was falling in love with you and if I wasn’t able to say that it would kill me.
Emily: I’m so grateful for you putting yourself out there.
And we’re back. And Emily picks up the final rose. And there is another long dramatic pause. And then she finally gives Chris the rose. Ugh.
Big ups to John for taking it like a man. She walked him out, they talked, he got into the car, and he expressed his disappointment without tears.
What’s really sad is that Chris let his insecurities take over. She was sending John home regardless. They just hadn’t progressed to the point of the other relationships. Chis is a creepazoid and I bet his family is creepy, too.
Guess we’ll find out next week on the hometown dates!