Dexter 5.1-3 – My Bad, Hello, Bandit, & Practically Perfect

“Rita’s inside. It was me.”

In the front yard, Dexter holds a crying Harrison. Police lights flash red, and Dexter seems to have no idea what to do or say. He did just find his wife dead in the bathtub, after all. A police officer approaches the kneeling Dexter and asks him if he was the one who called in the crime. He asks what happened. Dexter remains silent. He’s watched 67 people die and each time, he and the dying both knew that they got what they deserved… but this isn’t what Rita deserves.

As the cop tries to take Harrison, Deb arrives and tells him to back off. Dexter hands Harrison to her and says: “Rita’s inside. It was me.” Uh definitely not something you want to say when the cops are investigating a potential homicide, bro. But even though Dexter wasn’t the one – would never be the one – to end Rita’s life, he fully believes that this happened because of what he is.

Inside, Masuka and Quinn check out the scene. Masuka explains that the method fits Trinity’s MO, but Quinn isn’t convinced because the bathtub women were young and single. Angel and Maria join them, but Maria takes one look at the bathroom and has to step outside. She’s seen plenty of dead bodies, but this is different. Maria informs the group that the FBI has taken over.

The coroner takes Rita out in a body bag and Dexter yearns for Harry, who is nowhere in sight. What does he do when it’s his wife in the body bag, and everybody’s looking, and Elliott is crying but Dexter’s eyes stay dry? An FBI agent approaches Dexter for questioning. He wants to know why Dexter said, “It was me.” Dex doesn’t remember saying that at all. Deb is waiting for Dexter with the forensics guys; she tells him to take off his bloody clothes so they can leave. Later, Deb asks Dexter the same question: what did he mean by that?

Masuka and Quinn listen to the recording of Dexter’s 911 call. He’s strangely calm and emotionless on the phone. Quinn thinks Dexter’s reaction to Rita’s death is weird. LaGuerta angrily reminds them that the case is with the FBI and they need to work on their own cases. Privately, Masuka informs Quinn that he told Dexter about Rita and Elliott’s Thanksgiving kiss when he should have just kept quiet. Quinn stores this interesting piece of information away for later.

Paul’s mother calls Dex. Shit. This kids want to talk to their mother but she’s not answering. Oh shit. Astor and Cody get on the phone and gush about how they’re having the best time. My heart is breaking for these kids. Dexter tells them Rita is in the shower. He doesn’t tell the grandmother about Rita but asks her to bring the kids to Deb’s when she drops them off that night.

Deb and Dexter meet with a funeral director who does a lot of funerals for cops. Dexter only sits in the meeting for a couple of minutes before he excuses himself, leaving Deb to handle everything. He observes a funeral in progress and wonders if this is how normal people mourn. Dexter remembers his first date with Rita at a restaurant outside of town. Unfortunately for her, he only chose the place because a potential kill was there at the same time. Deb finds Dexter and lets him know everything is set for the funeral and the FBI released the house, so she’s going over there to do some stuff. Also, he’s worrying her.

Quinn meets Deb at the Morgans’ house. They go to work scrubbing the bloodstained bathroom and they do a pretty great job. As Deb is taking care of the cleaning supplies, she finally gets a chance to break down a little. She’s had to be the strong one for Dexter, something she’s not used to. As the tears come faster, Quinn holds her. And then they’re making out. And then they’re naked. Oh. After they’re finished, Deb grabs all of Rita’s dresses for the funeral and leaves, not wanting to talk about what just happened. Quinn sees Neighbor Elliott outside and decides to ask a few questions about his relationship with Rita. Elliott recounts the events, including Dexter’s punch. Oh, like you wouldn’t do the same thing, Quinn. Your temper is ridiculous.

The kids are pounding on Deb’s apartment door, excited to be home. Okay, deep breaths. Dexter explains that a man came to the house, Rita returned home, and the man killed her. Everyone is in denial, shock, feebly trying to say he’s kidding but they don’t believe that. Astor runs out of the apartment and Dexter finds her sitting on the curb outside. She is convinced Dexter doesn’t even care that Rita’s dead and it’s his fault that she’s gone because he should have protected her. Astor wishes that Dexter had never come into their lives – he should be the one that’s dead.

Dexter goes to work getting rid of every trace of evidence of his murdering ways, starting with files on his computer. While Deb reminds him of what needs to be done before the funeral tomorrow, Dexter makes his own to do list: get his tools, torch his shipping container, and fill up his boat with gas. Going somewhere?

Quinn tells LaGuerta about his chat with Elliott. LaGuerta almost shuts him down, but Quinn reminds her that if it was anyone else but Dexter, they’d actually be thinking like cops. She always says if the wife is dead, 90% of the time the husband did it. Their conversation is interrupted by a phone call and she tells Quinn they’ll talk later. The call is the FBI, informing LaGuerta that Dexter didn’t show up for his interview. They want his personnel files. Deb promises to find Dexter and get him to the interview.

Dexter isn’t home when Deb arrives. He asked a neighbor to watch Harrison. Deb calls Dexter and leaves him an angry voicemail. Dex is standing next to Rita’s body at the funeral home. Only now can he tell Rita the truth about what he is: a serial killer. After his good byes, he torches the contents of the shipping container, boards his boat, and plans to disappear.

Dex stops somewhere on the coastline to fill up his gas tank. He goes inside to pay, where he meets an asshole customer who insults him. Dex knows he should keep moving, but he follows the jerk to the bathroom instead. Dexter explains he’s had a bad week and his wife is dead, and the douchebag says that Dexter’s “dead wife” can go do something not very nice. So Dexter kills him with a grappling hook and continues to beat him with it after he’s dead. Harry finally shows up, telling Dexter that’s the first human thing he’s seen Dexter do since Rita died. He tells Dexter it’s okay to show what he’s feeling and Dexter finally breaks. Harry convinces Dexter to return to the kids and Deb and go to the funeral.

Everyone is waiting for Dexter to show up to the funeral. Maria feels guilty; she’s worried that Dexter was being a witness at her wedding while Rita was murdered, which is why she didn’t fight for the case. Quinn is growing more suspicious of Dexter with each passing minute. Two FBI agents are watching from across the street. Just as Quinn begins to tell Deb about his conversation with Elliott, Dexter shows up. As Dexter gives a heart-breaking eulogy, he realizes how much he truly loved Rita.

Dexter struggles with the fact that he is now a single father of three children. They cram into Deb’s apartment with her, just until they find a new place. Astor doesn’t understand why they just can’t go back to their house. Dexter thinks starting over will be good for them. Deb reminds Dexter his FBI interview is tomorrow morning.

Apparently, the FBI isn’t after Dex for Rita’s murder. They know he was at Arthur Mitchell’s house during the time of Rita’s death, raiding it with the rest of the team (phew). They’re trying to figure out why Trinity targeted Rita. Dexter gives them an obvious answer: because he’s a serial killer.  The agents assure LaGuerta that Dexter is good; the only lead they have on Trinity is Kyle Butler. LaGuerta remembers the Kyle Butler that was murdered a few weeks back. The Mitchell family is going to meet with a sketch artist. While Maria is busy, Angel opens her mail for her. She’s got $268,000 in a secret bank account. Hey Maria, can you hook a girl up? I got college loans to pay. History isn’t really a lucrative career.

Dexter rents a moving van. He selects one that has a bloodstain on the floor that he will look into later. Dex is busy packing with Neighbor Elliott swings by. I’ll be glad when we don’t have to see his giant forehead anymore. He drops off the mail and tries to give some single-parenting advice in a very condescending way. Just shut up and go away. Dexter is getting random urges to kill, but he can’t act on that right now. He needs to take care of the kids.

While everyone is sleeping, Dexter and Harrison check out the blood from the moving van. Someone cleaned up well but forgot the door: a huge splotch glows in the beam of Dex’s black light. Harry reminds Dexter that the kids are his number one priority, his responsibility and his salvation. But Dexter has to take care of his own needs, too, or else it will be bad for everyone. Back inside, Dexter researches the last person to rent the truck. One Boyd Fowler, employee of the Department of Sanitation, road kill division. Fowler is played by the awesome and talented Shawn Hatosy, who you probably know from SouthLAnd (and if you don’t watch SouthLAnd, you should). The blood in the truck is human, not animal.

The next day, Dexter calls Boyd’s department to come pick up a dead raccoon. Dexter makes small talk about moving and how it’s a hassle; Fowler says he wouldn’t know. He’s lived in the same house for twenty years. Then why would he rent a moving truck? Fowler unceremoniously dumps the raccoon in the back of his truck and is on his way.

Those boots are stylin’.

Quinn and Angel meet up at a crime scene. A female head is in the middle of some weird display with bones and a candle. She’s missing her eyes and tongue and her mouth has been Heath-Ledger-Joker-slashed. A short female cop named Officer Cira Manzon tells Deb it looks like the work of Santa Muerte, a cult. If it is Santa Muerte, they used a machete.

Dexter tries to research ways to help kids cope with grief. Finding nothing helpful, he turns his attention to Mr. Fowler, who has a prison record – assault with a deadly weapon. Deb returns home and interrupts his research. After they say good night, she breaks down and calls Quinn, who offered to let her crash at his place. Five people is too many for that tiny apartment. The next morning Quinn tries to talk to Deb about what happened when they cleaned the bathroom, but Deb says nothing happened and she would never sleep with him. Guess that’s still awkward.

At another crime scene, Quinn finds a photo of the victim, Francisco Alfaro, and the woman who was recently found beheaded. Quinn thinks it’s a murder suicide, but Deb isn’t so sure. Meanwhile, Dexter is snooping around Boyd Fowler’s house. He needs to kill to keep himself sharp. Boyd returns home for lunch while Dexter is rifling through his stuff. Dex tries to slip out the front door, but it’s barred and locked from the inside. Creepy. Dexter finds a hiding spot while Boyd listens to some self-help CD. The message is: if you want something, take it. Boyd repeats the mantra with the speaker. Before Dexter makes it out the back door, he finds a lock of female hair, labeled with the number 8. He pockets it and leaves.

Dexter follows Fowler to the middle of nowhere, even though all he has to go on is some old blood and a lock of hair. He watches as Boyd kicks a metal oil drum off of his truck and into some swampy water. The place is a dumping spot, filled with other people’s junk. Deb calls to inform Dexter that the kids never went to class after seeing the grief councilor. Dexter knows where they are and makes his way to the house. He finds them staring at the bathtub. Dex apologizes for not bringing them back there sooner and that they can move back if they want. Astor refuses because it won’t be the same, and Dexter made them think that things were going to be great forever. Cody defends Dexter. It’s not his fault. Astor wants to move in with her grandparents. Dexter agrees.

LaGuerta returns to the station with the Kyle Butler sketches, which are no help at all: the mother and kids gave three very different versions of what Kyle looked like (and thankfully none of them look like Dexter). Quinn asks if he can keep a copy of the sketches. Maria returns to her office and Angel confronts her about her secret money. Maria assures him it’s her retirement fund. Apparently Maria is the more financially responsible one in the marriage, so she wanted to make sure they were secure. She just ends up hurting Angel’s feelings.

Angel drowns his hurt feelings in Cuervo Silver with Masuka. Some other cop at the bar congratulates him for marrying a “sugar mama” and says something in Spanish that is apparently very rude. Angel starts a brawl. Meanwhile, Dexter says goodbye to Astor and Cody. Cody wants to stay with Dexter, but Dex tells they need to go for now. After they leave, Dexter returns to the dump that Fowler visited earlier. Dexter opens the oil drum and is greeted by a dead girl. There are several more oil drums just like it. Fowler is busy, too, adding more numbered locks of hair to a scrap book and dumping another body into an oil drum filled with formaldehyde, which he then runs an electric current through.

Deb is grilling a young girl about her drug habits. Could it be a break in the Santa Muerte case? Nope, she’s just interviewing potential nannies for Harrison. The prospects are pretty entertaining. They finally have a break when they interview Sonya, a sweet Irish woman with Mary Poppins qualifications. Harrison seems to like her, too.

Dex and Harrison have a meeting with the crisis councilor. She assures Dexter that Harrison is developing normally and his cognitive development is really just starting. Dex tells her that he saw something traumatic when he was three. Harrison is only ten months old, though, and there’s a slim to none chance that it will have a negative affect on his development. The councilor tells Dex the most important thing he can do right now is to do something for himself.

Deb, Quinn, and Angel are recanvasing the neighborhood of the Santa Muerte case, but no one is talking. They all seem to be afraid of something. Angel doesn’t think his Hispanic background is helping; he’s Cuban and it’s a Venezuelan neighborhood. He suggests bringing in Cira Manzon, since she lives in the area. Deb shares Cira’s theory that the murders are connected to the “Saint Mierda” cult – Quinn, Angel, and I lol and they correct her that it’s Saint Death, not Saint Shit.

Dexter is trailing Mr. Fowler. At a café, Fowler spots and recognizes Dexter. Took him long enough. Boyd brings his food over and has a seat. They exchange pleasantries (Dex is now Darryl Tucker). Even though Fowler is a creepy murderer, I can’t help but have a crush on him because SHAWN HATOSY. <3 Dexter pretends he’s looking for work and Boyd offers to let him ride around with him to see if he likes dead animal pick up. Dexter does some recon and drives along the patrol route, looking for a good place to do the job the next day. He sets up in an old tourist welcome center. Harry thinks it’s a bad idea to kill during the day.

Cira and Deb meet with the owner of a store that sells religious items. He knows everything that goes on in the neighborhood. The front of the store sells statues of saints and the like, but the back end of the store sells things related to the Santa Muerte cult. Cira acts as a translator as Deb asks questions about the Alfaros’ murders. He answers just like everyone else: “Yo no se nada.” Cira thinks he’s holding back and thinks she should have spoken to him alone. She’ll go back tomorrow.

LaGuerta wants to know exactly what went down before the bar fight; Angel and Vince are sporting some battle wounds. We finally get to learn what the other cop said in Spanish: Maria takes first place in BJ skills. Yeah, I’d punch the guy too. Maria reminds Angel that men don’t like a woman in power, so they spread rumors. Angel understands and he’ll try not to pummel anyone.

While Dexter is waiting for Boyd to pick him up, he calls in a fake dead animal near the abandoned visitors’ center to ensure they’ll head out that way. Boyd is listening to his motivational speaker CDs – “Take It Now” by Jordan Chase – in the truck. They changed his life.

At the station, Quinn has taken pieces of each of the Mitchells’ witness drawings and put them together to create a face resembling Dexter’s. Uh-oh. Vince, on the other hand, thinks it looks like Justin Beiber. Cira comes in with new info for Deb after her second interview with the shop owner. No names, but he described two brothers with heavy accents who are probably recent Venezuelan immigrants. They head out to see if the shop owner could dig up anything else. Instead, Deb and Cira find his headless body on the floor and the head in a creeptastic display, same empty eye sockets, same slit mouth as the first crime scene.

It’s been two hours since Dexter called in the fake kill and Boyd finally gets sent out there by dispatch (or whatever you call the HQ for dead animal pick up). Dex sticks Boyd in the neck with the needle, but before Boyd falls he shoots Dexter in the stomach with his own tranq gun. They both fall unconscious. Dexter wakes up later in an ambulance. Boyd is there with him. They glare at each other from their respective stretchers as they’re wheeled through the hospital. When the doc goes to get stuff to draw blood for a tox screen, Boyd finds a huge knife on a table and sneaks to where Dexter is being examined – but Dexter already left. Boyd makes his own escape.

While the group investigates the latest beheading, Quinn finally gets a call back from the FBI. He wants to share his lead on Kyle Butler. Oh hell. He wants to show the Mitchell family a photo, and the agent, who seems to be an old friend, will try to see what he can do. Sorry Quinn, he probably couldn’t hear you over that gaudy gold pinky ring you’re sporting.

A guy from Internal Affairs asks to speak with Maria in her office. They’re going to launch a formal investigation into the altercation that occurred between Angel and the other cop, Lopez. Lopez has been hospitalized with internal bleeding and is now pressing charges. It’s worse than Maria thought: two witnesses claim Angel kicked Lopez while he was down. If it’s true, it’s assault with a deadly weapon and he could go to jail.

Boyd returns home. He’s barely in the back door when he hears a noise. Grabbing his gun from the kitchen drawer, he makes his way through the house. Suddenly his Jordan Chase tape starts playing in the kitchen. Dexter sticks a needle into Boyd’s neck. He gets Boyd on the table, improvising a kill room with newspaper and duct tape. Boyd says he was helping those women – they were suffering and he put them out of their misery. I’m sad we only got two episodes of Shawn. Killing Boyd didn’t change anything; Dexter feels the same about Rita’s death. He hears a noise from behind a locked door. Someone was watching him through a grate. He opens the door to find a very badly injured and weak woman wearing rags. She tries to escape but passes out. She saw everything.

Dexter kill count: 2