As expected, Pam comes to Tara’s rescue while Tara tries to crispy-fry herself in the tanning bed. Pam looks like she’d rather just let her do it, but I guess vampire bonds are pretty tough. She orders Tara as her maker to never try and kill herself again, and Tara’s just like “God damn it.” BAD FOR YOU, AWESOME FOR US.
Sookie and Lafayette have a fight as Alcide leaves with a heart full of confession. Lafayette—correctly—calls Sookie on how her insistence on doing what she feels is the right thing manages to fuck over literally everyone in her life most of the time, and while I appreciate a desire to do what you feel is right…I mean, there’s right, and then there’s good. Fundamentalists think they’re right, and the only people that their concept of “doing the right thing” helps is themselves. DON’T BE THAT WAY, SOOKIE. Lafayette’s pissed because if she goes down for this, he most certainly will, and he’s pretty harsh about telling her so. She’s the Angel of Death. He storms off as she cries.
The Authority drops Bill and Eric off in the middle of the woods. They try to figure out who of the four who knew his location could have busted Russell out, and in their brainstorming, they seem to land on the one person least likely to have done it. IT’S NOT PAM, ASSHOLES.
Authority HQ. Salome and Roman lounge around in bed while a video feed of Nora’s torture plays romantically in the background. Roman says he wants Salome to talk to her, and Salome agrees but looks sketchy. Everyone is a Sanguinista, dude! TRUST NO ONE. If Salome can’t get Nora to give up any other names, he’s fine with killing her.
Sookie busts into Jason’s house in the middle of the night, demanding that he arrest her for the crime that didn’t really become a crime until she hid the body. He’s like NO but she’s like YES and I’m like HEY THESE TWO DO KIND OF LOOK LIKE SIBLINGS THAT’S CUTE and then Sookie’s all I TURNED TARA INTO A VAMPIRE ALSO and Jason lies facedown under the kitchen table and emits a high whining noise until Sookie stops being fucking crazy. GOTCHA: SHE’S NEVER GONNA STOP. Jessica appears and is impressed that Sookie has managed to blow someone’s brains out and turn her best friend into what she hates the most. I mean, that’s some impressive up-fuckin’.
Fangtasia! It’s closed, but it’s not supposed to be, and Pam yells for Ginger as she leads Tara inside. Eric, sitting on his cute little throne, says that he told Ginger to send everyone home. He looks totally sinister, but Pam’s just heartbreakingly happy to see him and doesn’t pick up on his obvious menace. She tells him that no apology is necessary and she’s willing to let bygones/bygirls be bygones/bygirls. She notices Bill and is like “Oh. Hi.” Eric notices Tara and asks WTF, and Pam cutely congratulates him for becoming a grandfather. Bill takes Tara into the office so Eric and Pam are alone.
Bill tells Tara that he wanted to kill himself when he was first turned, too, but that It Gets Better. When did they become civil with each other? Not that I hate it, it’s just the last interaction I clearly remember them having was when he was like “I OWNED SLAVES” and she had a mild conniption fit. Oh, no, wait, the last interaction I clearly remember them having was when he fucked her over at Russell Edgington’s mansion during the Franklin situation. Tara, wearing one of the oversized dorky Fangtasia! Shirts, takes a TruBlood from him. She explains the nature of her turning to him, and they’re both kind of bitter about Sookie.
Eric slams Pam onto a bar and calls her a liar when she says she had nothing to do with Russell. NO, ERIC. BAD ERIC. She’s rightfully horrified and offended that he’d even suggest such a thing, because she’s the only character on this show who’s more loyal than Tara. Eric doesn’t fucking get it, and gets angsty as shit about how he can’t trust anyone, wah. I don’t say this a lot, but OMG SHUT UP, ERIC. PAM IS CRYING BLOODTEARS. LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID. Pam challenges him to release her if she’s so untrustworthy. He looks vaguely ill at the thought, and we cut to him walking into the office (Tara skedaddles with a quickness). He says Pam didn’t know anything, and Bill says that Tara didn’t let anything on, either. They decide that they’ll cast a wider net.
Authority HQ, where the fucking annoying and terrible child is being fucking annoying and terrible. THERE ARE CHILDREN WHO CAN ACT. WHY DIDN’T THEY FIND ONE OF THEM? Anyway, they’re creeping on Bill and Eric and wondering why they’re not actively searching for Russell. Like with magnifying glasses? Like you’re looking for your car keys? Oh my god I hate the Authority. Salome and Roman and Peter Mensah are cool, but everyone else is horrific. The not-stupid idea is put forward that Eric and Bill killed Russell already, and this is all just a ruse.
That asshole judge who made Andy feel like a whore pops into the sheriff’s department, razzes Andy about his noodz, and thanks him for taking care of his kid’s ticket: “I wish I could bring him to you for all his problems, but you’re not a gynecologist.” Andy doesn’t dignify that bullshit with a response, but he agrees to accompany the judge to a party of some kind. Jason agrees to go along, too. Kevin’s like “I can party some!” and the judge awkwardly ignores that. Kevin’s probably a blast in a glass, so it’s your fucking loss, Boss Hogg.
Two of the shifters in Sam’s shifter knitting circle pop into Merlotte’s and are like WE SHOULD HANG OUT and Sam’s like uuuugggghhhh but agrees to go anyway. Sookie makes her way through the restaurant, hearing everyone’s gross thoughts about her, and upon realizing that she’s once again a weirdo pariah, she settles down in Sam’s office for a good cry. Outside, Lafayette’s demon mask pops on and he does some serious fucking with Sookie’s car.
Alcide pops in to the Pelts’ motel room to feed them some Sookie-protecting lines about how Marcus Boseman killed Debbie. The Pelts are angry, and Debbie’s werewolf father briefly looks like he’s going to eat Alcide, but he stops attacking him. The Pelts have Alcide leave. Is it over? NO OF COURSE THIS SILLY STORYLINE ISN’T OVER. We’re four episodes in and Joe Manganiello hasn’t taken his shirt off once. I had to go see Magic Mike, people, this shit is getting DIRE.
SOOKIE’S MURDERCAR wherein Sookie’s car is trying to murder her. Her brakes fail and it starts speeding up without her touching the pedal, and she jumps out of the car before it kisses a pole pretty hard. She’s like ???????????????? but her self-worth is so low at this point that she just decides to leave it and go home to drown her sorrows in every kind of liquor she can find.
U.S. ROUTE 85 SOUTH DAKOTA. Patrick and Terry’s roadtrip triggers a flashback for Terry, and we learn that when Terry was in Iraq, he and his squadmates drank and did a bunch of drugs in a prayer tower, giving Eller one pill and an airplane bottle of booze and making him keep watch. When a local took offense to a bunch of drunk, high guys singing “Born on the Fourth of July” at the top of their lungs in the middle of the night in one of their sacred spaces, Eller shot him to death. Then there was fire and snipers and fighting, and when morning rolled around, the village was basically dead. In the present, Terry starts spasming in the passenger’s seat.
Andy gets off the phone with the Pelts, who have decided to go back home. Andy’s not buying that they have the closure they need, and wants to call in his favor with the judge and get a search warrant. Jason’s like D: but Jessica shows up and glamours the hell out of Andy. Even though all of the loose ends are tied up, I know the show is going to draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag this out some more.
In the Fangtasia sex dungeon, Eric flat-out tells Pam that he’s on a suicide mission, and that what she said earlier was true—he’s going to have to release her. She’s resistant, telling him that they beat Russell before and she’d be more than willing to help him take on the Authority. He tells her that she has to live after he’s gone, and he still loves her and she’s still his child like he was Godric‘s, and now she’s got Tara, so their bloodline will thrive. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. As her maker, he releases her, then kisses her on the forehead and hugs her for a long time. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. So, when Eric totally survives all this shit, can he undo this disaster? Also, if a vampire dies without releasing their progeny, does the progeny die or something?
Andy, Jason, and the judge get into a limousine with a bunch of ladies, who put bags on their heads and head off to a party. Fundamental difference between men and women: if someone puts a bag over your head and you’re a dude, it’s going to be a sexy fun time OR a kidnapping. If someone puts a bag over your head and you’re a lady, you’re definitely getting fucking kidnapped. Laws of the universe.
Jessica and Bill search around their house for bugs. Jessica asks whether Bill’s still the king, and he tells her he is, “Until the true death. Or until they change their minds.” He finds a roach underneath some furniture and holds it up, making a face, and Jessica rushes to explain that she had some friends over. Bill’s totally cool with the fact that there’s weed there, but says it’s low-quality shit. SERIOUSLY, BILL AND JESSICA! AWESOME TOGETHER! Jessica asks if Bill is going to see Sookie, since she’s kind of a mess. Bill’s like “ABSOLUTELY NOT, ALSO DO NOT FALL FOR HER TRICKSY WAYS.” He hugs Jessica and tells her to take care of herself.
Salome and Roman go to Nora’s torture chamber and try to convince her to give up a name. Nora is willing to die before giving anyone up, but she’s not willing to let Bill and Eric die, a fact Roman exploits. Salome promises Nora that she’s not going to let anything happen to them, and Nora gives them a name.
YE OLDE FAEIRYE LANDE except it looks like a club in Gossip Girl? This shit is so embarrassing. The main thrust of the scene is that faireyse are supposed to be sexy and fun-loving etc. BUT WE KNOW WHAT THEY’RE LIKE ALREADY. The fairey that Andy hooked up with last year, Morella, recognizes him and then makes out with him immediately. But oh my god there’s like this whole fucking ten-minute dance sequence.
DRUNK SOOKIE FUCK YES. Drunk Sookie is a delight, making up new words to songs and flopping around on her couch like a terrible goldfish. Ahahahaha I love it so much. “If you like makin’ love at midnight! And are in a cemetery!” Her phone rings from the floor and she’s like “Oh fuck” before doing that move where you get as much of your body off of your furniture without actually falling off in order to grab your phone. It’s Lafayette, who has found her car and is freaking out. She essentially tells him to chill, because she’s chocolate wasted and if he really wants to help, he can have it towed. She hangs up on him while he continues to freak out, and Alcide shows up. FOR SEX? Maybe, but first we have to talk some more about the Pelt storyline. He tells her what he lied to them about, and she apologizes for involving him in her whole deal. NOW SEX??? No, gross horrible hilarious drinktimes.
Terry and Patrick end up at Eller’s creepy-ass barn/basement hideaway. They go into the basement, violating all the rules of hotties in horror movies, and find a whole shitload of fucked-up psychopath wall art and weaponry. Then Eller pops up and pulls a gun on them.
Sam shows up to his dinner date with the other shifters. WHO ARE BOTH DEAD BY GUNSHOT. But why. But who.
Fangtasia! time. Pam wakes Tara up with a cute fangbanger and says she has to drink. Tara is adorably flabbergasted and violently reluctant to feed off of a human being, but Pam orders her to, then sweetly (for Pam) guides her through the steps, mainly being “don’t kill her.” It’s nice and I really like how the show is setting these two characters up. It’s like they don’t even hate each other now!
Authority HQ. Roman, elaborate stake in hand, does some heavy-handed vamping about Judas, then tells the other council members that he’s having their quarters searched because he doesn’t trust any of them. Two guards come in with a laptop and a sheet of paper, and Roman confirms that there’s a traitor in their midst. PLEASE BE THE KID PLEASE BE THE KID YES IT’S THE FUCKING KID! The kid had a video of himself menacing a human and eating them I guess, who fucking cares because NOW THE KIDPIRE HAS BEEN STAKED YAY! All my dreams came true. Roman’s like “And that’s what’s going to happen to any other bitch who gets on my balls, okay?” He doesn’t quite do a mic drop with the stake, but I’ll pretend he does.
Back at Sookie’s house, Sookie and Alcide get good and drunk/horny, and they start making out in earnest. Little do they know, Eric and Bill are standing sadly outside (probably wishing they could join in. I mean, god, Joe Manganiello). They decide to put their bitterness about their ex-girlfriend to good use, and decide that Sookie will make awesome bait for Russell. You motherfuckers had better ask her first.
Ugh embarrassing faieryr bullshit again. Jason runs into his cousin Hadley, who is still alive, and Hadley says that the farrereyrs have taken her and her son in for protection, since vampires are going to drain every human with ferrier blood. She says that Jason’s parents didn’t die in a flood and that it was probably vampires, then is rushed away by another fafararragaghfhfery. Jason tries to follow, but is blocked, and Andy tries to help a bro out, but they both get tossed back into the real world and Men in Blacked with fairy fists. THIS WON’T HAVE ANY REPERCUSSIONS, I’M SURE.
Man, Sookie had the right idea. EVERYTHING CAN GO TO HELL. LET’S ALL GO PUT VODKA IN OUR BOURBON AND FIND GIANT HOTTIES TO KISS ON THE MOUTH!