The Bachelorette; Season Emily: The Final Three

We arrive in Curacao where we see Emily looking ever so perfect being the king of the world on her own private boat ride. She’s very excited about being in Curacao and can’t believe three of the greatest guys she’s ever met are on their way just to date her.

We get a recap of each of their dates throughout this “journey.” She feels very “strongly” about all the guys she’s brought to Curacao. As someone who’s watched this show more often than I’d like to admit, I will go on record saying, this is the first time the bachelorette has ever brought three guys to the end whom I wouldn’t kick out of bed—with or without crackers.

And since this is the overnight portion of the journey, maybe she won’t kick them out of bed either.

First date is with Ken Doll, Sean. And again, we hear how so perfect he is. Except for the fact that he’s the only one who hasn’t told her he loves her yet. Sean admits in his private interview that he is in love with Emily and doesn’t want to hold back. Y’all, Sean is beautiful. He really is. And he’s a nice guy. But I am not convinced he’s in love with Emily. I think he wants to be…but I just don’t think he is.

They fly to a private island where they are going to just hang out. This date is supposed to be romantic, but it winds up being a big interview. They recap the family visit and delve deeper into his past relationships. The talks turn awkward, and Emily is disappointed that Sean didn’t confess his love on the beach. He suggests they go snorkeling instead.

Dinner is a very romantic set up. Pillows and candles and dinner right on the beach. Emily calls him perfect and says they are so perfect together but she wants to know how he feels.

So he pulls out a beautifully written letter that he wrote to Ricki. And this is the moment I realize that Sean is in love with Emily and it makes me sad for him. Because even though Emily wants to love Sean, there is no way they are at the same point in their relationship as she is with Speedracer and Jef-with-one-F.

Sean awkwardly tells Emily he’s in love with her. It was hard to watch. He couldn’t say it, wasn’t comfortable saying it, but he wanted to say it so badly. Then they kiss and it was just weird because he should have pulled her to him, but instead his arm was weirdly placed kinda out on her hip while he still held his wine. Throw the wine down and pull her on top of you dude!

Emily gives Sean the Fantasy Suite card and key. They go to the suite and get in the hot tub and spend lots of time together, but don’t spend the entire night. Emily sends him away for the night. She’s a mom and doesn’t want to set a bad example for her daughter.

It is now Jef-with-one-F’s date. They take a sailboat along the coastline and recap their family time. Emily is concerned because they’ve rejected some of Jef’s previous girlfriends and she wanted badly to make a good impression. Because if the fam says no, then she’s a no.

I am seriously on Team One F now. I know Speedracer melts my panties off, but damn, Jef is just so loving and kind and he adores her. And she adores him. She lights up like a torch when he is near her.

Dinner time and Jef wants to know about life with Ricki and where Emily would want to live. She says she loves the idea of starting over. She doesn’t expect him to move to Charlotte, but isn’t opposed to moving to Salt Lake City if that’s where he wants to be.

The last question Jef asks is, will I be a good fit for Ricki as a dad? Emily answers that when she was home with Ricki between Prague and hometown dates and she was making breakfast and was thinking what it would be like with one of the guys and the person who popped into her mind was Jef. She could see him there and that made her very happy.

Emily presents the Fantasy Suite card to Jef and he reads it, then tells her that he would love nothing more than to spend the night with her, but he values who she is as a person and a mother and says he knows Ricki and his family will be watching and there’s a time and a place for these things. He says, “I am planning on spending every night from now on with you in our own little fantasy suites.”

In her private interview, Emily admits that she can’t believe he turned her down because she wanted to turn him down!

And now we get to Arie’s date…where all they do is kiss. And I’m not complaining, because seriously, that man can kiss. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to actually lock lips in real life with him because just watching him does it for me.

Emily goes on and on about how she can’t help herself around him.

They swim with the dolphins and she’s a little freaked out. He protects her; then kisses her.

They get back on the boat and make out.

Finally it’s dinner time and Emily decides she needs to find out if there’s more than just chemistry between them. So they talk about things like what time he gets up in the morning. “9:00.”

Emily: 9:00? Oh honey.

Arie: I know. It’s probably more like 6:30.

Emily: 6:30? I wish!

Arie: *Blank stare*

The conversation between them isn’t ever forced or uncomfortable. Emily truly digs Arie and I think it’s more than chemistry, but I still think the chemistry is the driving (har har) force between them.

And so does Emily because she doesn’t even offer Arie the Fantasy Suite option because she doesn’t trust herself being alone with him all night.

Okay, we’re down to the final rose ceremony. Or as my boyfriend calls it, the cockpunch ceremony. “You don’t get a rose! You get a cockpunch!”

He only wishes there would be an actual cockpunch down a trap door.

Okay, so I’ve been watching this show for a real damn long time. Usually, the Bachelorette takes 3 types to the finals. The Friend; The Guy you wanna fuck; and The Guy you wanna marry. Emily has screwed up here because she wants to fuck and marry all these guys. Or at least parts of all of them. Sean is boring but his body is rockin’ awesome. And his dad was the best dad of them all. Jef doesn’t need another F because he has everything—money, looks, personality, a nice family. His only downfall is the Mormonism that nobody wants to talk about. And then there’s Arie. He’s the panty-melter.

Since she didn’t sleep with any of them (Which I admire. However, this is your one chance…c’mon! Drop your morals and your britches!) she’s now stuck with making a decision from the heart.

Heart decisions are much easier with a little help from your friend vagina. I’m just sayin’…

The guys all recorded beautiful messages to her and Emily is physically in pain. We all know at this point who’s going home, but the problem is, he doesn’t. And she hurts thinking about blindsiding him that way, because she’s not really ready to let him out of her life, but she knows she has to be cruel to be kind because he’s not the one.

And when Sean gets his cockpunch, it is harsh. But let me tell you right now, that dude is one helluva man. He didn’t go all pussified like Chris and the others before him. He wore his pain on his face, but he didn’t act like a fool. Sean is a true gentleman. A class act. And he may make for boring TV, but he’s gonna be a helluva hubby to someone one day.

I’ll admit, it was hard to watch because both Emily and Sean were hurting. That’s why this show is so wrong if you don’t approach it like a game. Emily is the first Bachelorette I’ve ever seen handle this for real—or as real as you can for TV Love. So the fact she’s taking 2 guys she’s really into to the finals means her next cockpunch will include a little stabby stabby action to the heart as well.

I love the panty-melter, but I’m on Team One F all the way now.

Next week, The Men Tell All—let’s hope Chris wears his creepy manties to go with his creepy face. And yay! We get more of Condescending Kalon!