True Blood 5.6 – Hopeless

Cockblocked by a freakin’ quilt. COME ON, TRUE BLOOD.

Our normal TB recapper Sam is out leg-wrassling gators in the Everglades this week, so I’m stepping in for this week’s episode. PREVIOUSLY ON TB: Creepy psych ward of horrors! (Any Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace fans out there?) Crap no one cared about! (I’m looking at you, Sam!) Tara got her bite on! And the most glorious and proper vampire ever, Russell Edgington made an appearance. And now for the weather.  Tiffany? [Greatest vampire moment in TB history, that was.]

The ep picks up midway through the Sanitarium Battle (which sounds like a Megadeth song) and we see that Alcide is being dragged off by a wolf. Right, Russell had a werewolf pack that was hooked on vampire blood (jfc) and they’ve been lying in wait in the morgue shoots. Or whatever you call those refrigerated drawers for dead bodies. (Why do they have that at a psych hospital? Are there a lot of deaths at these joints? Yikes.)

Russell grabs Sookie by the throat (guess he’s not as weak as he led us to believe) and just as he goes in for the bite, she fairy-fists him with her Righteous and Holy Handlights away. He’s knocked back several feet and says, “Oh, right. I forgot that while you’re tasty, you still suck.”

Eric and Beeeeeel knock their attackers away, and Eric gets Russell by the throat. IF I MAY. Vampires do not breathe, or at least they do not need to breathe to live. It is so aggravating to see vampires held by their throats as if it can control them. ANYWAY…. Eric is about to kill him when Beeeeel puts a stake to Eric. Mother trucker, you better step off my Viking. Blah blah, don’t kill Russell or we’ll have no collateral against the Authority. Let’s—once again—not make sure we follow through.

Sounds like a great plan! In the way that isn’t. Eric doesn’t get a say in the matter because the SVAT Team from ze Authority arrives and red-dots Russell with their laser scopes. They’ll take it from here, fellas. Why don’t you get on glamoring Sookie and Alcide, and the team will take care of everyone else?

Before that happens, we have the awesome theme song (It’s like the theme song for Game of Thrones—I always want to listen to it) and a quick reminder that Tara and Jessica are fighting each other at Fangtasia. Tara’s all, “Not up in mah house, bitch!” which makes Pam mad because NUH UH. This is her house, bitch. Even though she’s proud of Tara for fighting an older vampire. Like a nicely trained dog, she is!

Speaking of, let’s get back to the werewolves and vampires at the Sanitarium.

Beeeeel tells Sookie with an intense eyebrow raise to shut up and let him do this: glamour her. Keep in mind that he can’t because of her faerieieiey powers of mind reading. So he tells her this long schpiel about her not remembering any of this and going to live her “lahf in thuh sun” where she done belong. Oh, her little heart, she is breaking.

Meanwhile, Eric knows how to have fun with his glamour and tells Alcide that his dick is going to shrivel up every time he sees Sookie. But he’ll still protect her, just not want to bone her. Ever. And right before he glamours Alcide, I would have sworn on a stack of Vampire-Church Bibles that he was going to kiss him, and I would like to put my vote in for that to happen eventually. Then again, my eyeballs would burn up, but it would be worth it.

Sam and Luna are being wheeled into the ER, are alive, and Sam explains how the bratty child (seriously, every child on this show has been dreadful) morphed into an adorable puppy and ran off. Luna isn’t okay with any of this. Tough stuff, Cream Puff, because your puppy-daughter just ran all the way to Grandma’s house. Grandma Martha picks up the ADORABLE PUPPY (with lantern eyes) and takes her inside for a bowl of kibble and a Greenie before bed.

At Fangtasia, Hoyt—wearing a Hall and Oates cosplay get up—finds Jessica, who is having a sad over the lack of Tara-friendship. Hoyt is all smiles, and I’m guessing it’s because he doesn’t have a mirror. He knows now that Jessica still loves him. Um, no, she doesn’t, bro. Hoyt’s pretty sure she does, what with her fighting for his virtue, or whatever. So if she wants to do anything depraved to him, have at it. He doesn’t care what she calls him, just call him! Good lord, Hoyt, your desperation stinks like the Axe body spray on a 15-year-old boy.

Alcide comes to while driving, and no, that doesn’t seem dangerous, and finds Sookie crying over Beeeeel. He doesn’t remember anything, and she’s too busy having a sad over no one wanting to be with her to explain.

The dude from the Authority handles up on the clean up with all of the humans at the Psych Hopsital by smiling a lot and gaining their trust, and then eating them. Now that is how a proper vampire should behave. Well done, sir. Beeeeel and Eric are loaded up in a work van and taken back to the Authority, and this is officially the longest night ever, right?

Jason, at his house, is napping and wakes up to see his daddy again. Aw, he misses his daddy and having a catch and gigging frogs, and did he really die because of vampires? His dad smiles back serenely and says, “The only thing you have to fear is—”

And Jason wakes up before he hears, because he can’t do a goddamn thing right. (Except be gorgeous.)

The next morning, Alcide comes downstairs, is pretty sure that he and Sookie had sex, and is about to puke from the realization when Sookie realizes what Eric did. She rolls her eyes, forces the truth through memory (or…however they’re explaining her “powers”) back onto Alcide, who is reasonably upset. But it’s because of the wolves on drugs. Drugs are bad, m’kay?

He storms off, I presume because he remembered that he has a construction company to run and probably should keep that running, while Sookie feels sorry for herself.

Sam has ripped his IV out to get to Luna’s room, which is when Martha shows up with Luna’s daughter, Emma. Blah blah, bad blood between them, no one cares, Luna will let Martha take care of Emma since there seems to be a vigilante group out gunning for shifters.

Terry and Patrick leave the scene of the ifreet when Terry throws himself out of the car. He tries to run off, Patrick catches him, and we’re shown that Patrick called the order and Terry pulled the trigger on the Iraqi woman. (Didn’t we already know this?) Blah blah, they’re gonna kill us. Less talk, more burning, am I right?

Lafayette goes to see his mama Ruby Jean in the old lady hospital where Jesus used to work. Oooh, Lala, yo mama got the shine, too, and she seen him with he lips all sewn up. (Man, do they hit the cornpone talk hard on this show. It’s breathtakingly racist, right?) He need to go save he Jesus from dat bad man what done made he drank the goat blood. Dat be he granpappy, Don Bortolo. Lafayette gets out of there when his mama starts in on the gay bashing. WOW, ALAN BALL.

The gals of Merlotte’s bitch about stupid men and all of their troubles when the King of the Troublemakers, Jason Stackhouse (keep in mind that I looooove Jason) shows up. He’s there to tell Sookie about seeing Hadley and the faeririieiiesyses in their Hillbilly Cirque du Soleil dimension and how vampires done kilt they parents. They leave to check it out.

I really am not interested in the shifter stuff, just like I didn’t care about it in the books. I signed up for sexy vampires. So to sum up, Sam tells Andy he’s helping with the shifter attacks, and Alcide finds the pack and says he’s challenging Martha’s husband for the leadership position.

At the Authority’s basement grotto/boardroom, Eric and Beeeeel are toasted as heroes. They pop the cork on a bottle of 18th Century Austrian Hemophilliac

(1789 was a banner year for Austrian Hemophiliacs)

and they pass the bottle around. Beeeeel continues to say whatever he thinks they want to hear, while Eric just doesn’t give a shit, because he’s awesome. Eh, he’s a pacifist, he’s not religious.

Salome tells them Nora confessed to being a Sanguinsta, and I still have no fucking clue what that religion is all about. I just hear “Lilith” and tune it out, I suppose. Salome then tries to excuse herself to interrogate Russell, and god, could the show telegraph any harder that she’s trying to get Russell out? Roman pooh poohs that, because Russell is going to be exucuted shortly. Put more silver in him and bring him out with an iStake, thanks.

Salome rushes off to do…well, not that. Not the silvering, at least. Eric asks to see Nora, confesses she’s his sister, and Roman allows it, as long as Eric is back to see Russell die.

Terry shows up at Merlotte’s, tells Arlene that there’s a smoke-and-fire monster that’s going to kill him, and no, it’s not about him being off his meds. The Sarge saw it, too. Well… okay then, Terry. Adios.

Sam and Andy go to the Army-Navy supply store run by The Ponytail Guy with a hard on for hating supes. He’s about to pull a gun on Andy when Sam—because of his shifter senses—knocks an arrow in Ponytail’s chest, killing him. Whew, that was a close one! You almost got information!

Information about the dudes in the van shooting shifters, who show up at Fangtasia just as Hoyt’s about to be drained to death by some dude vampire. They kill the vampire and drag Hoyt into the van, recognizing him.

Jason takes Sookie to the Faeririieiiisyers Hillbilly Cirque du Soleil club and they run into Claude. Something happened to Claudine, his sister, and I can’t remember. I just remember that she was something cool in the books, but of course we can’t have that. Blah blah, he has a million other sisters, everyone is in stripes and garters dancing and it’s supposed to be sexy.

It isn’t.

There’s a flashback of Sookie’s parents on a bridge, a vampire smells a drop of blood on a bandaid (no, really) in the back seat of the station wagon, and…they’re killed? Okay! (In the book it was a flood caused by evil water fairies, and I realize this isn’t a better story.) Sookie’s mad as hale, and she ain’t gone take it no more and tries to fairy-fist everybody, but they all fairy-fist HER (damn, that’s naughty sounding!) and you don’t bring a flicker to a light-fight, Sook.

At the Authority HQ, Eric stands outside of Nora’s cell, watching her pray. This is all news to him, I’m guessing. Russell is dragged past, harnessed, and that snaps Nora out of it. She’s excited that “It’s happening, it’s finally happening!” and goes into the whole Lilith religious BS. WHAT IS HAPPEN.

Russell is brought before Roman and the crew and talks about killing and drinking blood giving him a hard on, trying to remind them that they are Vampyre! That’s what they do! Fuck Lilith, gimmie some B Neg!

Roman bellows about chaos and balance and hits the app on his phone to activate the iStake. Ruh roh, it doesn’t work! And our resident geek squad is just as shocked! Russell grabs Roman and then STAKES HIM AND CHRISTOPHER MELONI DIDN’T EVEN GET TO TAKE HIS PANTS OFF, WHAT?!

God damn it, True Blood. No Meloni bubble? No Alcide tush? Roman dies, Nora does a back bend of religious fervor, and at least Russell is going to be on my screen for another few episodes. I better get some Eric Northman chesticles soon, or I’m going to go into withdrawal.