True Blood Episode 5.07: In The Beginning

True Blood airs Sundays at 9PM on HBO
PREVIOUSLY: Laura took over while I was in South Florida fulfilling my contractual obligations as a swamp thing, and from what I gather, the world was deprived of Meloni’s insane booty in a cruel and capricious act of violence perpetrated by Russell Edgington. Nothing else matters. I am despondent. Let us begin.

Everything goes crazy in the wake of Roman’s enstakening. Dieter yells about protocols, and all the vampires drop to the floor as it goes dark. Except for Eric, who is pinned down by Russell. They pop fang at each other, and Bill frantically yells for Eric as soon as the lights go out (seriously, when did they become friends). An assault team comes in to secure the area by throwing a tiny silver net over a laughing Russell, and when the lights go back up, Bill finds Eric hanging from a pillar, metal looped around his neck. He’s like “Ugh” and Bill’s like “No kidding” and we’re like “How did tiny Russell even get Eric’s nine-foot Viking ass up there?”

In farerryland, Claude and another faeriarey test Sookie’s “luminescence,” (gag gag sob) or how much faier is in her. They explain to her and Jason that the answer is “not a lot,” and Sookie gets really excited by the prospect of running out of magic and being normal/human. Claude and the other lady twig to her self-hate and desperately tell her that there’s a whole new wolf of farerryer bullshit for her to explore, but she seems to have made up her mind.

Andy and that cute lispy deputy go over what happened to the ponytail, Andy saying that Sam got to him before Andy even knew he had a gun. The coroner shows up and grosses everyone out, and the interrogation continues, Andy having to kind of lead Kevin through it. Andy declares “Jesus tits on Christ, this is the worst night of my life.” BUT DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOUR NOODS WERE ON FACEBOOK?

Sam sniffs around in Ponytail’s back room with Deputy Kenya–KENYA! I MISSED YOU!–searches with him. He asks her to get a box from a top shelf, because he thinks it’s full of Obama masks. And lo, it is! Sam lays down and starts wiggling around on the floor, rolling over and sniper-crawling and giving Kenya details about the things he’s picking up, scentwise, while Kenya stares blankly and asks if there’s something she should know. Oh my god, these two should team up to solve crimes! Nothing would ever get done, but it would be hilarious.

Hoyt and the Obamettes hang around, shooting the shit, and Hoyt suddenly loves them all for saving him from his gaypire experience. True story, though, all of these jerks are kind of hot, in scumbaggy ways. Hoyt says he feels more love from this hate group than he ever did anywhere else, and one of the guys is like “Hate groups are about more than just hate!” It SOUNDS like a writer just making shit up, but you know that white supremacists sit around in their little sheets and dunce caps and say stuff like this all the time. One of the guys takes a call from someone named Dragon (if you don’t know a guy named Dragon, get acquainted with one immediately), and discussion turns to Hoyt’s broken heart. Hoyt tells them about Jessica, and threatening music starts playing very quietly over the soundtrack. They all whip each other into a frenzy of “It was date rape” and “DO YOU HATE JESSICA HAMBY?“ “I DO.“ “THEN WE’RE HERE TO HATE HER WITH YOU.“ I don’t like this at all. Dragon has called to give the news that ponytail is dead. Apparently, his name was Junior.

Bill and Eric end up in a holding cell again, and rub all their brain cells together to try and figure out how they‘re being manipulated, because verily they are being manipulated. Eric decides it was Nora, but they realize she couldn’t have done it alone. Adorable Molly draws Bill‘s attention as she scowls at her laptop. He demands to know if she‘s a Sanguinista, and Molly is grossed out by the very thought. She‘s trying to figure out why the iStake didn‘t work. Bill believes her, and so do I, so I hope she doesn‘t betray my trust. Bill and Eric are summoned to Salome‘s quarters, where Salome and Nora stand around awkwardly until Russell breaks the ice by emerging theatrically from behind the gauzy bed curtains, looking adorable in an awesome suit. He says he‘s been reborn into Lilith‘s loving embrace, but I don‘t quite buy that, on account of he‘s way too awesome for all that dorkiness.

Eric is angry and dismissive when Nora tries to approach him and apologize for using him, which is fair. Salome says she was the one who dug Russell up, because he was the only vampire she knew of who was strong enough to kill Roman. She wants to share Lilith’s blood with everybody, but Eric and Bill decline vehemently (Eric, to Nora: “Never, you bible-banging cunt.”) Salome extends an offer to them, that they can come to the initiation ceremony the next night. They agree.

MANFLESH! Alcide sexy-fights Rikki the lady werewolf hottie in a training session, wearing basketball shorts and a hilarious bandana. They talk about how JD is on V, and how Alcide is prepared to lose a fight with him before he’s’ willing to take V. NOT EVEN ONCE. Alcide and Rikki start making out, and Martha walks in. She tells Alcide that JD swore on Marcus’s grave that he isn’t on V, and Alcide’s like “Your son doesn’t have a grave BECAUSE Y’ALL ATE HIM.”

Martha, hilariously: “Don’t get literal on me, Rambo!”

Martha throws her support unequivocally behind JD, and Emma the wolf puppy runs in and elevates the whole scene. It’s actually not a bad scene, because Martha has grown on me, but this whole storyline is pretty blah.

Arlene watches her wedding video with Holly, and starts crying when she sees Terry kiss her pregnant belly–she’s scared that they’re never going to be happy like that again. Holly talks her down, saying that Terry’s got PTSD, not the crazy, and there’s a possibility that he’s right about the ifreet, and basically she needs to not give up on Terry. Arlene hugs her, still worried.

Jason brings Sookie food (“I don‘t know how to make lunch, so I made breakfast.”) He asks her if she‘s okay about totally getting their parents murdered with her blood, and says he doesn’t blame her because she never blamed him. She lets him have her bacon. I always really like the sibling scenes with these two.

Andy visits Bud Dearborn for advice/encouragement, but Bud is like, super uncooperative, and also an adulterer. Andy’s like ?????????????? because his life is awkward as shit all the time.

Lafayette goes to Mexico. THIS’LL END WELL. He goes into Don Bartolo’s house, and finds Jesus’s head on Lafayette’s hand chair, then finds a shotgun pointed at his face. Bartolo says that Jesus spit on their family when he gave the demon face to Lafayette, and now Bartolo’s going to spit back and take it from him. Lafayette literally spits in his face, saying “I spit first, you sick fuckin’ fuck.” Bartolo just laughs.

Sookie visits Luna in the hospital, bringing her magazines and Sonic. Sookie buys Sam a cup of coffee, and he tells her about the supernatural murderers. Sookie asks if he’d trade his shifter status for a normal life, and he answers in the negative. He says it’s worth it for every mind he changes, but it’s getting harder to deal with. The only thing he really laments is his being a shifter getting people he loves killed.

Fangtasia!, where Tara is up on a stripper pole in a weird leather bikini that nevertheless looks rad on her. I would like to reiterate from a few recaps ago that Rutina Wesley is a Juilliard-trained dancer. This…does not showcase that. Lettie Mae walks in, full of judgement and Jesus, and disowns Tara in the middle of the bar, Pam listening carefully. Tara plays it off and sends Lettie Mae on her way, but her eyes are damp when she gets back up to dance again.

Dorky Lilith blood ceremony is dorkier than we ever could have imagined. When the third-coolest person in a room of like ten people is Bill Compton (Russell and Eric are Cool 1 and Cool 2, obviously), you‘ve got a problem. Russell says he is now down with Lilith, though I still don’t believe him, and kills the shit out of Dieter when Dieter starts bitching. Everyone drinks Lilith’s blood, Bill and Eric included. STEVE NEWLIN TOO (“I’m just happy to be included,” he actually says) Now we start the drug-fuelled party time portion of the evening, with the group of tripping vampires wandering around the crowded streets of–New Orleans? I don’t know. They get all up in the face of someone who honks at them, and, most adorably, Bill jumps on Eric for the world’s cutest piggyback ride.

Pam finds Tara brooding in her office, and gives some sincere, legitimately awesome Pam-style comfort, telling Tara that Lettie Mae is a bitch and not worth Tara’s time or her tears. Tara jumps up and hugs her tightly, and Pam lets it happen for a surprising amount of time before awkwardly pulling away and telling Tara to get back up on the pole. This is as good as the relationship between Eric and Godric for me, I swear to god.

AND BARTOLO SEWED LAFAYETTE’S MOUTH SHUT. THANKS, FUCKING BARTOLO. Bartolo talks about taking Jesus’s power back from Lafayette and putting it into his unborn son. OH AND THEN THERE ARE BABY PARTS PUSHING AGAINST A PREGNANT BELLY. THIS IS A WHOLE SCENE FULL OF SHIT I HATE AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH. Bartolo carves Lafayette’s head up, only to have his own head bashed in by his wife! Who then stabs him a thousand times! FUCK YES. She hears Lafayette whimper and stares at him creepily, then cuts the strings on his lips. Oh my god I am utterly unable to come up with any way this storyline can end well.

JD’S RECRUITING WEREWOLVES USING RUSSELL’S BLOOD. I knew he didn’t believe any of this Lilith bullshit! JD tells an assembled group of werewolves that the end times are coming and V will make them awesome. Also, this show casts the sexiest people for bit parts, I swear. The two werewolves who interact with JD in this scene are gorgeous. JD tries to give Emma some V, but Martha storms in and takes her away. Unfortunately, she doesn’t do that werewolf disowning thing that Alcide did to Debbie, which would have been awesome. JD sucks.

Sam gets kicked out of Luna’s room by a nurse (“Visiting hours ended two hours ago,”) and as he’s leaving, he catches the scent of one of the hate-group guys, posing as an orderly and heading in to finish Luna off. Sam tackles him.

KARAOKE MURDER PARTY STARRING ALL THE VAMPIRES. They literally go into a karaoke bar and kill everyone, and it’s fucking amazing. Not quite at “And now for the weather. Tiffany?” levels, but almost. Things are better when Russell is involved–he gets onstage as a girl sings to her fiancee, and forces a duet with her while she’s like “What the hell?” Her mother jumps up when she recognizes Russell, and the killin’ starts in earnest.

The ifreet appears to Terry and Patrick, but it doesn’t kill them. They yell at it hilariously as it disappears. Terry takes this to mean that it’s decided to let him live with the knowledge that he can never have the things that make him happy, and he decides to get revenge by taking Patrick’s gun and trying to kill himself. Patrick manages to talk him out of it (“Suicide is for Muslims” oh my GOD, writers, calm the fuck down). WHEW. Patrick apologizes to him for making him shoot the Iraqi woman, and they cry manfully alone in the middle of a field.

Jason goes to visit Jessica, who’s hooking up with a guy. He lets out all his feelings re: his parents’ deaths and how many new facets there are to his world, and he decides he’s going to hunt down the vampire responsible for orphaning him. They end up making out, and Jason tastes the blood in her mouth and gets pissy. Things escalate, she tries to bite him, and he shoots her in the head and gets super kicked out. Aw.

Sookie steps outside and starts fairy-fisting the sky, trying to deplete her fairy reserves. DUDE, RUSSELL IS GOING TO SHOW UP, STOP IT NOW.

The whole karaoke bar is in various states of dead and dying. We see a drop of blood splatter, then a weird light, and then a gorgeous naked lady appears to stalk sexily around the carnage. Lilith! I am unimpressed, but she really is gorgeous. Eric watches her, but his attention is grabbed by glowy Godric, who expresses disappointment in what Eric is doing. Eric makes a kicked-puppy face, and Godric tells him he has to help both himself and Nora. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.