PREVIOUSLY: Does the previously part even matter anymore? Did it ever matter? This show is so bugnuts.
We begin in the hospital, just after Sam stops one of the anti-supernatural guys from killing Luna. Andy is leading him away in cuffs, but there’s time for he and Sam to snap at each other about how there’s a hundred more of him that are just waiting to kill the shit out of some shifters. Which I don’t get! I actually understand the anti-vampire stuff, and after this episode I can understand anti-werewolf stuff, but the shifters seem harmless and cuddly, and they could turn into any animal. Think about the possibilities for if you need to pet something fuzzy after a long day, or if someone is breaking into your house, or like if you want to make an entrance at your douchebag neighbor’s barbeque. “OH, YOU HAVE A BMW? I HAVE AN ELEPHANT. WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT THE POTATO SALAD?”
Anyway, Andy continues his journey into my heart by dragging the dude off and calling him a buttplug. I never thought I would love Andy like this, but he’s been a breath of fresh air in a season stuffed to the gills with crazy. Sam goes in to see an irate Luna, who’s determined to go fuck some shit up for some evil rednecks. Her gunshot wound is like “Hey, chillax,” and Sam lays her back down gently and promises to take care of things (HAHA). He leaves, and Luna does a lot of scowling and growling to herself before getting up, ripping out her IV lines, and collapsing in front of the mirror. When she stands back up, she’s Sam. ruh roh. However, I love plot devices where actors have to pretend to be other actors pretending to be themselves. Cracks my shit up every time, and Sam Trammell does not disappoint.
Ugh, vampire party returns to the Authority headquarters, still tripping. I’ve gone back and forth on the Authority plotline so many times this season that it’s exhausting, but I think it’s safe to say that I completely hate everything about it now. Even Sookie’s stuff is more interesting and awesome than the vampire stuff at this point. I will cling to Eric Northman: Rebel Princess as a lifeline here so I don’t go crazy. The vampires all tilty-camera-slowmo-dance back into the Authority HQ, touching each other and laughing obnoxiously. Except for Eric Northman: Rebel Princess, because he still feels bad about Godric popping up and Dad-ing him, all “These people are enormous fucking dorks and you know better than this shit.” Seriously, Steve Newlin is bouncing on Russell’s lap, Peter Mensah is touching lightbulbs, and Salome and Nora are putting Mardi Gras beads on each other.
Eric grabs Bill, and I seriously think they’re going to make out for a second before Eric rains all over Bill’s parade about how uncomfortable this whole thing is. Bill almost looks like he’s listening, but it’s like when you’re talking to a drunk person and they overcompensate for their lack of attention by staring really hard at you so you don’t get suspicious. Eric’s like WE DIDN’T SEE LILITH, WE WERE HIGH and Bill’s like CAN’T IT BE BOTH? No. It cannot.
Sookie is running around her yard, still fairy-fisting the air. Jason shows up and gets fairy-fisted too, and when Sookie asks if he’s okay, he’s all “Yeah, you just got my head.” Oh, Jason. He asks what she’s doing, and she explains that she’s trying to deplete her magical stores. Jason tries to convince her that being normal sucks, and uses Bill as an example of what normal people wouldn’t get. Um, that’s a feature and not a bug, Jason. Sookie sort of comes around when he says that talking to Gran after she died was cool, too. He convinces her that they should try and find out who killed their parents.
Luna-as-Sam commences with the freaking out, and leaves the hospital to go find Sam. Sam Trammell-as-Janina Gavankar-as-Sam-Trammell is beautiful, right down to the shrieky way he yells at Deputy Kevin.
Fangtasia!, apparently the only vampire bar in all of Louisiana, is once again where Jessica is hanging out alone, dancing at a stripper. She has been there for the past, like, four episodes. Get it together, girl. Some dude comes up and tells her that his blood’s like a milkshake, and instead of laughing at how gross that is, she seems into it and walks off with him.
Authority. The vampires lounge around and talk about Lilith’s awesome tits. They apparently made Russell a believer, too. Steve and Steve’s hilarious 80s dating video montage sweater seem to be all up on Russell’s jock. Salome has the guards ordered to round up some humans for eating, including a baby for that one burny freak who makes everyone uncomfortable with his weird child-eating lust. Eric’s had about enough of being the only sober person at this party full of drug stoners and tries to get Bill to peace with him, but Bill’s like “I’ve finally found the herd of doofuses with which I belong. These are my people.” Eric is even giving him serious sex face, but no dice. Eric leaves alone, sad. BILL, HOW COULD YOU.
There is a chair and some hair and some music and I thinOH HOLY SHIT FINALLY, ALCIDE IS GETTING SOME.
It only took us 3 seasons. It is super intense and very naked and both Alcide and Rikki are sick hot. There is a lot of growling (fsdfjsdfjk and that’s all Manganiello) and nipples and back muscles, and Alcide tosses her across the room and onto the bed at one point. The grandma in me was like “GASP NO SHE COULD HAVE HIT HER HEAD!” but the werewolf hobag in me was like “Damn, son. Righteous.” (I let the werewolf hobag make most of my terrible decisions.) They stop having sex for a brief second to discuss whether Rikki is Alcide’s girlfriend. I could hear Liz’s horrified scream of anguish at the discussion of feelings, but luckily, they continue with the sexing quickly.
Authority, where Alcide is not having sex and therefore everything is even worse than it would have been otherwise. Salome emotionally manipulates a reluctant Bill into eating and killing a young mother who is tied to Salome’s bed and in her underwear. I’m super fucking over this whole storyline, but I’m extra over it in the context of how the vampires keep terrorizing women, except for Steve and Russell because LOL they’re gay. Seriously, if you go watch the bar scene again, I think every one of the vampires is chewing on a lady, except for Steve and Russell (who are sharing a man). Tie a hot young dude to a bed in his underwear and have a bisexual bite-fuck-murder sesh with him for once, jeez. Anyway, Salome prompts Bill into a flashback of how he went to visit his dying daughter with a bad wig on, and even though she begged him to turn her, he didn’t. That is apparently sufficient enough motivation to kill this girl in the present. Vampires are bullshit!
Hoyt and the Obamettes arrive at some kind of safehouse, where they have Jessica silvered and stuck in a room. OH FUCK NO YOU DIDN’T. But they did. Hoyt looks kind of conflicted, but not conflicted enough, and the dudes tell him that he’s not leaving the room until he shoots her with silver-cored wooden bullets. They lock them in together, Jessica crying and curled in on herself, and I think it’s a credit to the acting and the utter unpredictability of this show that I have no idea if I’m going to see one of them die by the end of the episode.
Bar Fayereie, back room. Jason and Sookie try to convince Claude and his 100000 sisters to help them figure out who killed their parents. Claude agrees to after not much resistance.
Lafayette drives home from Mexico (did Bartolo’s wife just let him go? What the hell?), probably with some PTSD percolating in his system. He pulls over after finding Jesus’s first-aid kit and name badge, then finds a small vial of V in the kit. That’s something I’d like to see explored in the show, because the properties of vampire blood would absolutely have revolutionized medicine, particularly since every other vampire seems willing to donate, or be convinced to sell. If the blood can heal basically anything that isn’t immediately fatal, whether taken orally or topically, why wouldn’t hospitals stock it? Why wouldn’t cops carry it? Dang. That’s what I want next season–forget all the characters we have now, just do different TRAUMA: LIFE IN THE E.R. stories every week about doctors and nurses saving chainsaw accident victims and stuff with vampire blood.
Lafayette uses the V on his mouth, and his sewing wounds disappear. Jesus, however, appears in the passenger’s seat. Their sad song starts playing, and Lafayette asks him if he’s real. Jesus asks if it matters, and Lafayette takes his hand before pulling back out on the road.
At the sheriff’s office, Andy gets all up in the one guy’s (I don’t think he has a name, so let’s call him Buttplug) face about being a giant murdering douche. Andy Bellefleur: Supernatural Bro is basically the best thing ever, and a good example of character development. Imagine season-1 Andy doing any of this shit to help Sam/the supernatural community. Andy is unsuccessful in getting any information about Buttplug’s buttpluggy compatriots, even after saying “my Taser’s gonna ask your nuts to the big dance”, so Sam asks for some alone time with the prisoner. Andy’s totally cool with it, and leaves Sam with Buttplug. Sam starts taking his clothes off, prompting Buttplug to be like “I ain’t a homo.” Sam doesn’t respond with “Not yet, Cupcake,” which is the only appropriate way to respond to that shit, but instead turns into a motherfucking cobra. Okay, I guess if there’s a second-best way, COBRA TRANSMOGRIFICATION is it.
Out in the lobby, Andy chokes on his coffee as Luna walks in, still wearing Sam’s face. She demands to see Sam, who is startled to see her-as-him. She freaks out at him, and he tries to calm her down, and Andy rolls his eyes and says “I hate this goddamn town.” Hee!
Sookie, Jason, Claude, and a bunch of faerereryrs go to the bridge where the Stackhouses were killed. Claude explains a bunch of fake quantum physics stuff, we learn that Einstein was half-faierey, and they all hold hands in a circle to like direct some energy through the space-time continuum or whatever. I don’t know. Claude is wearing the most hilarrible outfit ever.
Sookie experiences the flashback mostly through her mother, but then through the vampire that kills her parents. He is kind of creepy and lame, and we don’t see his face, and also he gets his ass kicked by Claudine. Sookie flies backwards onto the ground.
Hoyt and Jessica have a relatively civil conversation about Hoyt’s grievances. He asks her why she doesn’t love him, and instead of her being like “NVM I WAS KIDDING I TOTES DO LOVE YOU HAHA” so that the dude with the gun doesn’t shoot her, she is honest and tells him that she even prayed for her love to come back, but it never did. It’s sad, like every Hoyt-and-Jessica thing is now (do you remember when they were perfect? ;_; bloodtears ;_;), and Hoyt pulls the gun on her.
The honeypot guy from Fangtasia! hears the gun go off and rushes in to check shit out, and Hoyt clarifies that the other guys are gone before Jessica snaps his neck and says “Here’s your fuckin’ milkshake.” She tells Hoyt she can’t leave in the daylight, and he has no cell phone. What about Milkshake’s phone? Hoyt promises that he’s going to send help for her. Jessica thanks him. He answers with a “Fuck you, Jess.” and leaves. Unpredictable and fucked-up as the show is and would like us to believe Hoyt is, I have no doubt that he’s actually going to send help for her. Hoyt, you crazy bitch.
Lafayette arrives at his house, where Arlene and Holly are waiting. He’s wearing Jesus’s namebadge, aw. They’re there to convince him to perform a seance, fake or otherwise, to convince Terry (who trusts Lafayette’s status as a medium) that the Iraqi lady has uncursed him. Lafayette’s back to his saucy self, and tells them that he’s sick of doing shit for free, and if they want his medium services, it’s gonna be three hundred dollars.
Andy, Sam, and Luna arrive at the safehouse where Jessica is, and there’s a moment to establish that Hoyt didn’t send them before Luna’s gunshot wound apparently comes back with a vengeance, and she doubles over, screaming.
Sookie explains what happens during the flashback, and Claude freaks out about how Sookie made a connection with the vampire accidentally. Claude says that the elders aren’t going to be happy about this, and Jason’s like “I don’t give a twirly fuck what the elder thinks!” which is the best line ever. Sookie remembers that Claudine called the vampire Warlo. The name doesn’t mean anything to Claude, but he knows it means something to Claudine.
Over at the Fangtasia!, Tara (WHAT ARE THE MAKEUP AND WARDROBE PEOPLE DOING TO HER, AND HOW IS SHE SORT OF PULLING IT OFF) ends up face-to-face with that trashy Tracy woman that Jessica was buying dresses from that one time. In addition to being trashy, she is totally a giant racist bitch, apparently since high school. She’s all on Tara’s ass until Tara snaps at her and Pam is forced to intervene, comping the drink and getting racist with Tara, too. PAM. NO.
Werewolf barn of ugh. The officiator of the pack fight is this one trashy-hot character actor that pops up in stuff from time to time, and he fairly talks up both JD and Alcide. The fight apparently necessitates a hunt from both sides, and apparently they are hunting THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME OF ALL–MAN. Or a college student on the track team. And they’re going to hunt him down and murder him as humans, not wolves, so like fuck JD extra hard. Alcide decides to drop out of the fight to save the kid’s life, but JD is like “Great, I’mma kill him anyway.” Alcide calls him out for being a V-addled piece of shit who’s unfit to rule the corner booth of a Burger King, much less a pack of werewolves, and they start throwing each other around the barn.
At the Authority, Nora prays to the vial of Lilith’s blood until she notices Eric lurking. They hug, and Eric tries to tell her that this Lilith bullshit is stupid and Godric would be ashamed–and, in fact, is ashamed. Nora, wide-eyed with fervent belief, is just sad that Eric isn’t a true believer like her. She makes the mistake of insulting Godric, and Eric jacks her up on Lilith’s blood-display with his hand around her throat. Eric gets all sad and dewy-eyed as he lets her up, and Nora tells him that Lilith will show him the way. Yeah, the way to staking you in the face for talking shit about Godric.
Sam cradles a crying Luna-as-Sam on the couch. I’m glad that they didn’t try to go fully serious with this scene, because even though it’s sad and she might be dying, Sam is still like “I love you…and you’re really handsome.” to his own face. Luna, wracked with the barfs, turns back into herself and pukes into a bucket.
Fangtasia! Pam tells Tara that they need to talk about her attitude, and glamours a customer into drinking some gross flat beer from a little ways down the bar. Pam takes Tara down into the rapey basement of despair and/or sex, where Tracy is tied to that carousel thing. Pam tells Tara (and glamours Tracy into believing) that Tracy is now Tara’s “foodwhore” and exists only for Tara to snack on. Pam is a good vampire mom. A terrifying vampire mom, yes, but awesome for Tara’s self-esteem. As Pam leaves (Kristin Bauer van Straten! Your legs are amazing!), Tara chows down enthusiastically. Tracy, for her part, also seems delighted.
In the woods, JD catches up to the track kid and starts taunting him about being in college I guess? Anyway, Alcide flies in to save the kid, growling at him to run. I don’t know how the kid manages to escape with the boner that a growling Alcide causes, but he disappears, and Alcide and JD kick the shit out of each other. JD edges Alcide out, and is about to bash his head in with a rock when Martha, Rikki, and the rest of the pack show up. Martha tells him to stop, lying that he’s a better man than this, and JD tells Alcide to find a new pack before leading the others away. Wait, are they going to kill the kid? OMG I’m worried and I don’t know why.
Terry and Patrick run into Arlene’s house in a panic, Terry demanding to know where the fire is. Holly and Arlene calm them down sufficiently enough that they’ll sit down at the candle-laden seance table with Lafayette, who is dressed like Liza Minelli and Miss Cleo had a baby (…HOW FUCKING AWESOME WOULD THAT BE). Lafayette fucks around a little bit, setting a mood, and then the Iraqi woman actually shows up and possesses the hell out of Lafayette. She says something in Arabic and vacates his body, leaving Lafayette to tell them that she’ll end the curse if one of them kills the other. Patrick just fucking bolts out of the house while Terry looks despondent.
Hoyt, walking down a lonely backroad in the dark, finally runs into a truck that stops for him. He goes to the passenger’s side window, smiling, and says “Finally, a friendly face.” So it’s someone he knows, not one of the hate group, and yet they STILL POINT A GUN AT HIM OH MY GOD. Who is it? The cross-reference of people Hoyt knows who would also pull a gun on him is really short. Like, zero people.
Sookie dries her hair in the mirror, which gets all wavy before she is menaced by a bad CGI representation of the be-hatted vampire that ate her parents.
Authority. The vampires discuss ways to destroy mainstreaming worldwide (Russell and Hoyt flirt gently with each other until Salome, exasperated, tells them to pay attention). All of the ideas are kind of bad, until Bill’s like “Boom. We blow up the TruBlood factories and force every vampire to go into withdrawal at the same time.” Bill gets a gold star and the saddest look from Eric.
Okay does anyone have ANY IDEA who the guy in the truck is? I’M DYING.