True Blood 5.10 – Turn Turn Turn

True Blood airs Sundays at 9PM on HBO

PREVIOUSLY: We were finally introduced to the only way to make it through this show: Oxycontin ground up and put in ginger ale. Also, two or three of the storylines were wrapped up via firearm, and ideally two or three others will be, too.

(Since we’re winding down and there’s some padding to keep all the explosive finale stuff hanging until the finale, we’ll just hit each plot point/group of characters on its own instead of chronologically.)

BASICALLY: All five TruBlood factories have been bombed, and the Authority are still playing it off like it’s human terrorists. Here’s the thing I don’t get: if vampires are so sure of their strength and victory in the upcoming VAMPIRE/HUMAN BATTLEFEST 2012 EXPLODAGANZA NOW ON PAY-PER-VIEW, why are they not just coming out and saying “Look, motherfuckers, we’re about to take over.” It’s not going to make a difference to any of the humans, who are now on the offensive anyway, and any of the vampires who are willing to eat humans are already eating humans. The checkerboard’s already set up, for crying out loud, just make a fucking move.

STEVE NEWLIN is Russell Edgington’s new boyfriend, and being Russell Edgington’s boyfriend means you get taken out to the finest fraternities to eat the most delicious college students, and then slow dance among their corpses to Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream.“ Then he will bite you. Tres romantique! Steve’s also the new Nan Flanagan, so he’s making the rounds for the AVL, assuring humans that vampires are not trying to eat them, and that every vampire has a lifetime supply of TruBlood stashed away apparently. He has an on-air debate with the representative that Lafayette was sleeping with/supplying V to in the first season. The debate ends gracefully with Steve waggling his eyebrows and nearly outing Finch on national television. Not quite ripping out a news anchor’s spine, but Russell’s probably a little proud. Also, I’m going to use this tactic in my next debate. “Really, you’re suggesting I’m a lying a-hole bent on world domination? NO, YOU’RE GAY.”

Meanwhile, in Steve’s dressing room, the Great Mouse Detectives (Sam and Luna, not so great at detectiving, actually rats), are scurrying around and looking for little Emma. We see lots of boob and aaaaallllmost some dick as they turn back into humans and freak out, only to shift into rats once more as Steve comes into the room. He inadvertently takes them back to the Authority HQ in his satchel, where the front desk has some terrible news for Steve: Emma is no longer a cute wolf puppy, but a weird little child again. In a scene of comedy I was not sure True Blood was capable of (but was absolutely sure Michael MacMillan was), Steve admonishes Emma like she’s a real puppy who pooped on the floor. “You know I don’t like it when you’re human!” says Steve and also everyone watching. I was laughing. But then I was crying, because of

JESSICA AND HOYT AND JASON. Real actual tears were coursing down my fat little cheeks this episode, folks. Hoyt comes home from the hospital, piggy toothmarks(? I’ve been bitten by a pig and that is not what that looks like) still on his face. Maxine drives him home, telling him she’s cleared out his room and bought him a California king bed for his giant self, but he’s decided he’s going to work on an oil rig in Alaska instead of staying in Bon Temps. Maxine disagrees, but Hoyt’s definitely leaving. Except wait, he has some hearts to break, first.

Jessica arrives at Merlotte‘s, and the reception is chilly. Everyone leaves except for two guys with guns, who are disarmed and humiliated by a similarly gun-wielding Sam and Lafayette. The guys skedaddle after Jessica declines to eat them, and Jason shows up. Jason and Jessica establish that they’re both meeting someone, and that someone is Hoyt.

Hoyt tells them he’s leaving, and also that he wants Jessica to take away all his memories of both her and Jason, because he doesn’t want to go to Alaska with them inside his head. Jessica eventually glamours him until he forgets, both her and Jason halfway to tears the whole time. Oh my god, this scene is really painful, and not in the normal True Blood way, and gets extra sad when you think back to the first few seasons, when Jason and Hoyt were living together happily and Hoyt and Jessica were so in love (and, eventually, also living together happily). Everything got bad and it wasn’t technically anyone’s fault, and now everything is over, unceremoniously, in an empty bar.

Later, Jason and Sookie pull Hoyt over as he’s leaving town, so Jason can see if there’s anything about him left in Hoyt. Hoyt is happy and hopeful and doesn’t remember Jason at all. Jason gets all Stackhouse-weird on him, even, but Hoyt is just politely distant. Jason lets him go, gets back into his cruiser, and cries on Sookie’s shoulder like his heart has actually been torn out. Aw, baby.

(FUCK) AUTHORITY: Molly is iStaked after refusing to accept Lilith Christ into her life, but Eric is not so lucky. Bill and Nora roofie him with Lilith’s blood, and Bill watches as Eric and Nora, high as balls, hallucinate Godric getting ripped apart by Lilith. Both of them are horrified and cry at the vision.

Bill’s next act as a giant douchebag is to drag Jessica into the mix. I don’t know if you’ve ever been the child of religious converts, but somebody on the writing staff has, because they get Bill’s shiny-eyed threat and Jessica’s what-is-this-bullshit horror down perfectly. Bill gives Jessica some bible studying to do and essentially imprisons her at the compound.

Post-Godric’s second death, Eric fakes some religious conversion, kneeling in front of Russell and apologizing/forgiving him. He even kisses his hand. Russell’s like “You’re getting the better end of this deal,” and is rightly suspicious of the way Eric is totally unconvincing as a new acolyte. He doesn’t kill him right there, though it looks like he wants to; instead, he asks what the hell is up with them acting like nerds at Jesus camp instead of the bloodthirsty inheritors of the earth that they claim to be, and tells them all about how they could walk in the sun if they really wanted to.

Salome is against the idea, insisting that Lilith made them as creatures of the night, and also fairieeeees are abominations. She’s also fed up with Russell, and the tension culminates in him knocking her across the room and jumping onto the table, giving an impassioned, spittle-laced speech in a noisy ye olde German accent (Denis O’Hare is perfect at all times, obviously, but there is a lot of spit here). He tells them he’s 3000 and stronger than everyone in the room, basically calls them all pussies, and disappears. Which is true and also a good decision on his part.

FANGTASIA, LAST BASTION OF VAMPIRE SANITY: Sheriff Elijah is a dick 24/7. I just remembered where I recognize him from–he played one of the gangsters in the sequel to The Punisher that nobody except me saw (I had been drinking and wanted to watch some guys get killed. Still a really bad decision). Titus Pullo beat his face in with a bottle. And that concludes this week’s Humiliating Movie Confessions.

Elijah tells Pam and Tara (looking way better in the wardrobe, hair, and makeup departments this week) that if there aren’t 30 new baby vampires in Area 5 by the end of the month, he’s allowed to take Fangtasia!, all Pam’s assets, and also Tara. Tara looks terrified, and Pam looks angry. Later, Pam tells Tara that he can have the bar, but she and Tara are going to live in the wind, like she and Eric did. Then Tara looks angry.

She finds Elijah and freaks out, begging for him to come help her save Ginger, who she tried to turn but messed up somehow. He rolls his eyes and goes with her, checking Ginger’s vitals until GINGER SITS UP AND FUCKING SHANKS HIM WITH A GIANT DAGGER, AFTER WHICH TARA BEHEADS HIM WITH A GODDAMN BROADSWORD. Teamwork! Pam comes in, all “You cannot be serious,” and Tara tells her resolutely that nobody fucks with them in their house. There is nothing but love in Pam’s eyebrow twitch. I’m actually really glad that this potentially horrendous character development of Tara’s turning into a vampire became something so awesome. I’ll give you this one, writers.

SOOKIE AND JASON AND FAIRIES: Sookie settles in for a night of reading Bud Dearborne’s old files and eating Chinese food, but Mike the coroner appears and tries to eat her via femoral artery. She stakes him with her chopsticks in the slowest and least high-stakes vampire attack this show has ever seen. I can’t even get chopsticks through my beef and broccoli! Vampires must be made of mashed potato. Andy shows up, and gossips adorably with Sookie about how gross Mike was. I cannot say this enough: Andy Bellefleur, you are my favorite. Later, he has dinner at the empty Merlotte’s with Holly. Lafayette has cooked them something delicious and super fancy, and it’s basically a three-way cutefest between them.

Sookie and Jason go over the files and through Gran’s box some more, but can’t find anything of use. Sookie admits that Gran didn’t tell her anything was in the box, per se, and Jason uses his brilliant detective mind to find the hollow floorboard and take out the box contained within. Inside the box is a scroll, written entirely in squiggle. They have the brilliant idea to take it to the linguistics department head at a university, and he assures them that it’s both 200 years old and totally fake, not in a language he or his colleagues have ever seen. Sookie and Jason both decide that it’s fairies at the same time, and pay a visit to Claude and his sisters.

None of them can translate it, but they call in the oldest fairy, Morella. IT’S THE FAIRY WHO HAD SEX WITH ANDY BELLEFLEUR IN THE WOODS THAT ONE TIME. And she has a ginormous fake belly. HAHA. She manages to translate it through the magic of fairy fisting, and ascertains that it’s a contract from 1702, written in the signee’s blood, promising the firstborn lady fairy in the Stackhouse line to the vampire Warlo. Sookie is the firstborn lady fairy in the Stackhouse line. Of course she is.