PREVIOUSLY: Penultimate episode! Shit is getting realer by the minute!
THE AUTHORITY: They’re splintering apart and they don’t even know it yet–Lilith has been appearing to each of them and saying that they’re the chosen one, which is appropriate, since they’re all basically the main character of Kung Pow: Enter the Fist at this point, in terms of relative idiocy. Bill actually ends up killing Peter Mensah over it.
Meanwhile, Eric and Nora are both once again having frantic and inappropriate sex, because Nora’s come around to Eric’s side after hallucinating Godric’s death. They run a semi-long con that begins with Nora totally giving Salome a Judas-kiss on the mouth, then continues with Eric killing a human general who threatens the Authority (with leaking footage of Russell chowing down on the fraternity), and ends with he and Nora escaping their security detail after Eric subtly tricks them by asking to change the radio. From the backseat of the SUV they’re in. He’s seriously like “Can I change the station?” and instead of one of them doing it, they let him lean his giant sketchy self into the front seat. The Authority has the worst security team ever.
Bill, still holding Jessica prisoner, refuses to let her warn Jason and Sookie that Russell and Steve are coming for Sookie, citing his newfound disdain for humans as reasoning. Jessica sneakily asks if she can turn Jason then, and Bill douchily forces her to do it, sending her along with two other useless security guys. Jason just wants to talk about his feelings, and there’s some hilarious wide-eyed nonverbal noncommunication from Jessica before she just bites him and hopes for the best. As the security guys are burying them, she tells Jason to take them out, and he kills them both with his gun. She wants to talk about feelings, too, but instead does the mature thing and passes along her warning.
JESSICA AND PAM AND TARA: Jessica then flees to Fangtasia!, where Pam is less than enthused about having to clean up the mess that is Elijah, having to explain the Authority to Tara, and having Jessica ask for a place to hide without coughing up Eric‘s exact coordinates like she says she can. Pam jacks Jessica up against a wall and demands to know where Eric is, but Jessica asks her one more time for help. Pam, because she is an enormous creampuff inside that shell of fangs and hairspray and complicated corsetry, tells Tara to drag out a coffin for Jessica. She grumbles that they’re going to braid each other’s hair and talk about boys, but what happens is SO MUCH BETTER. Jessica and Tara have some cute girl talk about whether Tara’s a big giant gay for Pam, and going by Tara’s reaction (terror, confusion, denial), Tara is a big giant gay for Pam. I mean, who isn’t? Jessica’s cute about it, and admits that she has no friends and also she really likes talking to Tara. Even when Tara snaps and beats her up, it’s okay, because she can heal.
None of our joy lasts. The redheaded Authority lady, Roslyn, shows up, sniffing around for Elijah. We learn that makers can feel their babies die, and she demands to know who did it. Pam steps up (CREAMPUFF. Or maybe Jessica told her Eric‘s at the Authority? BOTH. SHE IS A CLEVER CREAMPUFF) and says it was her doing, and Roslyn has a vampire SWAT team arrest her. She sniffs Jessica out, too, and drags her back to the compound by her ear.
We’ve reached the portion of the season where basically everyone in the cast who has an impact on the finale ends up in the same building, so SAM AND LUNA are there, also, running around as adorable little rats until they find Emma in a cell. Guards come by before they can get her out (and do what? Walk away?), and Sam and Luna are captured and shoved, naked, into the cells to be used as food. Sam volunteers to be Bill’s naked meal. THIS IS NOT HOW THAT ONE SEX DREAM HE HAD WENT, NOT AT ALL. As Sam is being taken to Bill’s room, he passes Pam. They’re both like “What the fuck are you doing here?” at each other, and Sam says “Help Luna!” Pam’s like “WHO THE FUCK IS LUNA YOU MANIAC?” But now that we know Pam will protect your dumb ass in the rudest, most sarcastic way possible, I bet Pam actually will end up helping Luna. The fact that Luna is gorgeous and naked will only help her case.
After Bill kills Peter Mensah, he admonishes Jessica. She argues, calling bullshit on all this Lilith stuff, and Bill fucking backhands her across the room. Nope. Nope. Nope. The one good thing about Bill was always how much he grew to love Jessica, and how hard he tried to turn her into a decent vamperson. This is shocking (legitimately, I’ll give the writers the benefit of the doubt and assume that they did that on purpose), and I don’t know if protracted and painful death is the only way for him to redeem himself, but I am extremely angry/hungry (hangry) at the moment, and I am calling for his blood/a snack.
ANDY BELLEFLEUR, THE MOST BEAUTIFUL FLOWER OF ALL: Andy’s life is pretty okay now! He has Holly and he‘s on a handshake basis with her two dickhead sons, who apologize for putting his ass on Facebook. Terry and Arlene are happy together, surely for mere moments before something PTSDelightful happens and everything goes to shit again. He then runs into Morella, who’s like “Yo, you put a baby in me like a week ago, and now I am 45 months pregnant. WE SHARED LIGHT.” Andy is rightfully appalled by this and rebuffs her, but not in a dickish way, and she warns him that he’s about to have a fairy war on his hands for the insult of denying their light-sharing. Don’t even worry, Andy, we are about to see exactly what a fairy war entails (spoiler alert: fairies are bad at war).
JASON AND SOOKIE AND THE FAIRIES: Jason and Sookie spend precisely very few minutes discussing Warlow, and how super freaky their whole lives are, before they recruit the fairies into their new survival plan, but first Jason has to leave Sookie to go get murdered almost by Jessica. While he‘s gone, the fairies decide to take a NONE OF US IS AS STUPID AS ALL OF US tack, and introduce the Stackhouses to the elder, a gorgeous but insane and terrible lady who is somehow prancier than all of the other fairies combined and makes a reference to Ke$ha like it‘s 2010 or something. She gives them no information whatsoever before Steve and Russell show up with a glamoured, probably felt-up Jason in tow. They zoom around the empty clearing, freaking out at the fairy smell, and the fairies prepare to pop out and group-fist both vampires, but the elder fairy is like “Nah, I got this.” She goes out to meet Steve and Russell, fairy-fists Steve, and then accidentally fairy-fists Jason while trying to get Russell. Russell then drains her. Did we expect anything except utter failure from any kind of plan the fairies were a part of? At least Sookie can think on her feet if she has to. The fairies are like “LOL HOW CAN WE MAKE THIS WORSE FOR OURSELVES AND THE PEOPLE WHO TRUST US LOL.”
Anyway, due to drinking the elder’s blood, Russell can now see the rest of the fairies. He soaks up their fairy fisting like the sunshine he can totally walk in now, and advances on their goofy asses.