Teen Wolf – 1.10 – Co-Captain

Let’s get real for a minute now, shall we? I think we all know that the most unrealistic thing about this show isn’t the werewolves or other various marauding creatures of the night. It’s not the ridiculous ignorance of the rest of the town in face of an ever-changing variety of freaky goings-on. It’s not the blindness of local law enforcement to the presence of crazily armed-to-the-teeth murderous hunters in town. It’s not even the fact that an adorable hotass like Stiles Stilinski is still single. No, it’s the fact that we’re meant to believe that an entire town full of people could ever be this wildly excited about winning a high school lacrosse game. COME ON.

no one on earth has ever been this excited about lacrosse before

Scott’s not quite as pumped as the rest of his teammates – actually, he doesn’t look even remotely interested in the win at all. Instead, he’s wandering through the crush of people shouting for Stiles, who he hasn’t spotted anywhere. Scott’s starting to look pretty worried.

Someone crashes into him in the middle of the crowd, and he turns to see that it’s Allison. She’s a bit hesitant at first but soon breaks into one of her huge, glorious smiles, and tells Scott that he was really awesome on the field that night. Scott derps out “thanks, you too!” and immediately realizes the hilarrible inanity of his statement. Allison is probably quite used to this sort of thing by now, Scott. Don’t worry.

And yes, she looks pretty charmed by his silliness. One of Scott’s more obnoxious teammates shoves himself between them to bellow “STATE! STATE! STATE!” in Scott’s face, and by the time Scott is able to extricate from the situation, Allison is already leaving with her dad.

As Scott watches her leave, Jackson swaggers over to mock-sympathize with Scott’s sad state of “Allison’s dad is a hunter who will want to kill me if he ever finds out I’m a werewolf” affairs. He promises that if Scott helps him get what he wants – wolfitude – then he, Jackson, will help Scott get what HE wants: Allison. Jackson reminds him that the winter formal is coming up in a few days, and if Scott plays his cards right, he can take Allison instead of Jackson. Scott glares at Jackson and very obviously thinks horrible murderous thoughts as he walks away.


Later on in the locker room, Danny tells Scott that he accepts his apology. Scott’s not sure what Danny’s talking about, so Danny explains: every time Scott had the ball that night, he passed it to Danny. Scott replies that this is because every time he passed Danny the ball, he scored. So yes, all is good between Danny and Scott once again.

Everyone else has already finished up in the locker room, and after Danny leaves, Scott is the only one left. As he’s getting dressed, the lights switch off in a predictably ominous fashion. Scott’s had enough experience with weirdness in the Beacon Hills High School locker room to know that something unpleasant is up, and he walks cautiously over to the side of the room to try the lights. Nope, not gonna happen.

Scott peers up at the ductwork on the ceiling and doesn’t seem to notice a shadow shrinking backwards. Possibly he’s distracted by the lacrosse ball that rolls across the floor instead. Scott walks over to pick it up and that’s when he notices something so wildly hilarious I actually have to pause the playback and cackle madly to myself for a good 5 minutes.

Yes, it’s Sexy Creeper Derek Hale, lurking in the boys locker room in the dark, standing in the shower waiting for Scott, who is still half-naked in his towel.


why hello there

Scott is a combination of thrilled, relieved, and pissed off to see Derek standing there like nothing’s wrong. He storms up to Derek, ranting about how worried he’s been with Derek and Stiles out of contact all evening. Well, Scott, sorry but your evening is about to get a whole lot more worrisome.

Peter Hale steps out from behind Scott, holding a lacrosse stick and engaging in some casual musings about lacrosse in general, and how in his time, they played basketball in high school instead. Scott meebles gormlessly.

Peter explains that he’s pretty sure that lacrosse has Native American origins (correct) and that they played it to resolve conflicts (less correct), and as luck would have it, Peter has some conflicts of his own that need to be resolved (correct yet crazypants). And Peter’s going to need Scott’s help.

Scott: I’m not helping you kill people!
Peter: Well I don’t want to kill ALL of them.

Oh okay, what a relief.

Peter just wants to kill whoever was responsible for the deaths of his family members, naturally. This doesn’t necessarily have to include Allison, of course. Oh Peter, you demented dreamboat, you make sociopathy seem so reasonable! Please be my vampire bride for all eternity.

Scott turns to Derek with his usual face of utterly baffled puppy confusion, with a whole lot of added outrage. Why the hell is Derek taking Peter’s side? Has Derek forgotten that Peter’s the one who killed Laura? Derek tells Scott, quietly and more than a little bitterly, that it was all just a mistake. Shit happens, apparently. Scott’s not buying this any more than I am, and it looks like he’s starting to realize that Derek doesn’t have a whole lot of options right now.

Peter crazyfaces gently at Scott, telling him that they don’t want to put him under any kind of undue pressure, oh heavens no. They just want to help him reach his full potential! Yeah right, by making Scott kill all his friends. Peter has an answer for this as well, and it’s as predictably wacko as you’d expect – sometimes the people closest to you are the ones holding you back the most. So OBVIOUSLY you should kill them.

Peter Hale is so goddamn ridiculously hot that this is all starting to sound really reasonable to me. I am such a pushover for hot fictional maniacs. Sigh.

Luckily Scott has a bit more self-control than I do, which is pretty sad when I think about it. If his friends and family are holding him back from being a psychotic nutjob like Peter Hale, well then Scott feels damn good about the whole situation, yes sir.

Peter strolls crazily up to Scott to help him see things from Peter’s perspective instead. This apparently involves clawing out his hand like whoa and then stabbing Scott in the back of the neck. Scott collapses to the ground, gasping in pain, and the hardest working towel in show business somehow manages to remain in place around his waist. I assume it’s glued on. CURSES!

Derek looks way more constipated than usual throughout this entire scene, and every time Scott stares at him incredulously, begging him with his giant puppy eyes to make the crazy man go away, Derek grits his teeth noticeably and maintains his bitchface of icy rage. MY POOR PRECIOUS GRUMPY HATEASAURUS.

Peter swans crazily out of the locker room, and after a few moments of staring frustratedly at Scott, Derek follows.


Scott’s standing under the spray of the shower, painfully hallucinating a series of flashback memories from Peter: the men trapping the Hale family in their basement and burning the house down around them; Peter killing the two alcohol-thieving bullies at the campsite – who just so happen to be those same arsonists; Peter attacking the bus driver in the back of the bus; Peter escaping alone from the burning house; Peter sitting alone, horribly burned and insane, in his wheelchair; endless fire and endless screaming; Laura finding Peter standing alone in the forest as he turns to kill her. It’s everything, all at once, over and over and over and Scott cannot. Stop. Screaming.

He wakes up very suddenly on the floor of the shower.

Stiles comes barreling into the locker room, all flailing arms and legs, to tell Scott that they’ve got one hell of a huge problem. Newsflash, Stiles, Scott already knows.


Allison’s sleeping very restlessly, tossing and turning and thrashing around. She’s dreaming that Scott’s there kissing her, but wakes up to find herself alone. Allison clutches at her throat, realizing that her necklace is gone, and she immediately gets out of bed to start looking for it. Not finding it anywhere in her room, Allison goes downstairs to to the garage to check the car.

As she’s rooting impatiently through the glove box, she hears the creak of the garage door opening, and closes the car door, shutting herself inside. She leans the seat back to hide just as Kate and Chris walk in, discussing weapons and hunting, and how Chris needs to be teaching these special skills to Allison. Chris refuses to get her involved just yet, despite Kate’s insistence.

Allison is peeking really obviously the entire time, and it almost seems like Kate’s noticed her, since she leaves the object that she and Chris had been arguing about openly on the counter before walking away.

Naturally, as soon as they’re gone, Allison gets out of the car and immediately goes over to inspect what Kate left for her. It’s an arrowhead for a crossbow bolt, and the mangled one Chris dropped in the trash shows obvious signs of having exploded. Allison inspects them both, thoughtfully.

Behind her, unseen, Kate cracks the garage door open and watches with smug approval.

we should totally do it, i am just saying


Jackson is zooming around in an empty parking lot in his Porsche, because apparently there’s nothing else to do in Beacon Hills all day long. Suddenly, his engine redlines and cuts out in the middle of a donut and he skids to a stop, his engine smoking unpleasantly. Way to go, Jax. Jackson’s grumpy face of outraged betrayal is utterly delightful to me.

Jackson gets out of his car and sulks for a while, trying to decide what to do. Chris Argent mysteriously pulls up behind him, blocking the only way out of the car park, and approaches Scott with a creepy/friendly smile.


Allison’s walking through the woods carrying a large duffel bag, with Lydia scampering along behind her, struggling to keep up. Lydia looks like she’d rather be anywhere else on earth, but nevertheless trots gamely on. Without breaking her stride or even looking nervous, Allison asks Lydia if she’s okay with Allison and Jackson going to the winter formal together – just as friends, of course. Lydia makes a tiny little grumpy face but tells Allison it’s no problem, as long as it’s just as friends. Allison smiles a tight little smile and tells Lydia that it’s not like she’s going to take Jackson into the coach’s office during lacrosse practice and make out with him or anything.

Oh Lydia, would you like some soothing ointment for that burn?


Jackson’s doing his best to get rid of Chris Argent, but Chris is equally determined to be creepily helpful and fix Jackson’s car. Jackson rambles on about voiding the warranty or something ridiculous like that, and Chris just steamrolls over his protests effortlessly.

In the most hilariously (probably not unintentionally either) homoerotic scene ever, Chris calls Jackson over to take a look at the engine with him. He literally grabs Jackson by the back of the neck and bends him over and I cannot even deal with this show oh my god halp. Chris does this presumably to check out the scratches on the back of Jackson’s neck, but probably also because COME ON who can resist bending Jackson Whittemore over the back of an expensive car? No one, that’s who. No one on earth.

i totally saw a porno like this once

So, uh. Anyway.

Chris scarycasually asks Jackson about the marks on his neck, and Jackson, clearly suffering from the Beacon Hills Disease of Being Totally Unable to Lie in a Convincing Fashion, stammers a random bunch of crap that Chris totally brushes off. In fact, Chris thinks they look a lot like claw marks. Jackson jerks wildly when Chris’ hand gently brushes the scratches, because apparently this show thinks that latent homoeroticism is much less fun than blatant homoeroticism.

Jackson knows he’s not going to be able to handle any more of Porn God Chris Argent’s sexy interrogation techniques, and gets out his phone to call for a tow truck, as though that’s going to help anything. Chris asks Jackson directly why he’s so unwilling to talk about where the scratches came from, and just as it looks like the entire scene is about to descend into a wild steamy dub-con makeout, Stiles and Scott screech up in Stiles’ jeep.

Chris manages not to look incredibly cockblocked by their arrival; Jackson’s not sure if he should be relieved or not. Upon hearing that Jackson’s having some car trouble, Scott points out that there’s an auto body shop just down the road, and Stiles offers Jackson a ride there. Jackson all but runs to climb into the jeep and flee.

As they’re getting ready to leave, Chris leans over and undoes whatever nefarious thing he’d done to Jackson’s engine to make it crap out, and calls over to the guys as he starts up Jackson’s car without a hitch. All three of them stare at him, totally creeped out, as Chris smiles and drives away.

Scott is completely furious with Jackson, since Jackson is clearly a total creampuff under the slightest bit of pressure. Since Chris thinks that Jackson is the other werewolf, now Scott will have to keep an eye on him all the time to make sure that Chris doesn’t actually kill him. Jackson doesn’t seem to have the slightest bit of understanding on how stupid he’s been so far, which enrages Scott even more. Instead of punching Jackson in the face as he so certainly longs to do, Scott punches Stiles’ poor innocent jeep. Not cool, Scott. Not cool.

Jackson can’t stand to feel like he’s done something stupid, and immediately blames Scott instead for almost getting him killed. Okay, Jackson, whatever you say. They’re about to brawl wildly right in the middle of the parking lot until Stiles hauls them apart.

Stupid Jackson thinks that this means that Scott definitely has to get the Alpha to bite him, because then Jackson won’t be in any more danger and can take care of himself. ARGH JACKSON STOP IT YOU ARE SO DUMB TODAY. Scott agrees with my brilliant assessment, and tells Jackson that really all the bite does is make everything worse. But all Jackson sees is that Scott can run faster and play lacrosse better, so he assumes it’s all hugs and puppies and success. No, you goddamn idiot. Sure Scott can run faster, but half the time he’s running from people who are trying to kill him!

Jackson just rolls his eyes obnoxiously and really really tests the almost limitless boundaries of my adoration for his bitchy little ass.


Back in the woods, Allison screws the arrowhead Kate left her onto a bolt and takes aim. Lydia wants to know what it’s going to do, and Allison is delighted to show her. She shoots it at a nearby tree and is only slightly surprised to see it explode.

As they turn to leave, they hear a noise off in the foggy bit of the forest, just out of their eyesight. Allison then makes the highly questionable decision to hand her bow over to Lydia while she goes to check out the noise. How stupid are you, Allison? Oh my god, Kate would slap the taste right out of your mouth, young lady! Walking off into presumed danger without your only weapon is bad enough, but leaving it in the hands of your weaponishly incompetent friend? WHY.

Allison walks off into the woods leaving Lydia alone and confused and more than a bit scared. Something or someone is watching her from inside the trees, and she turns towards the noise. Instead of panicking, she whips Kate’s taser out of her inside jacket pocket and shoots.

Unfortunately, and hilariously, it’s Scott. Allison leaps towards him wildly, totally horrified that she’s shot him. Alas, she fails to remove her finger from the trigger and Scott spasms all over the forest floor.

I lol’d.

Allison apologizes a dozen or so times, but Scott insists that it was his own fault for sneaking up on her. Allison asks if he was following them, and yeah, Scott, you totally were. You creeper.

Scott tells Allison that he found her necklace at school, and nope, it totally wasn’t stolen, just missing! So convincing, Scott.

They moon at one another for a moment or two and then Allison suddenly kind of lunges at him and gives him a hug. Scott’s really startled at first but hugs her back tightly until Allison gets somewhat nervous and/or upset and flees the scene awkwardly.


Stiles gallops into his kitchen and grabs a half gallon of milk from the fridge, drinking straight from the carton, shame on you Stiles Stilinski. He notices his dad seated at the dining room table, surrounded by paperwork, and decides to be nosy. Sheriff Stilinski doesn’t need any actual help, thanks, just an ounce or two of whiskey. Stiles is happy to hand that over right away, while leaning over to root through his dad’s papers. The Sheriff’s not willing to discuss any details of the case with Stiles, so Stiles is forced to undertake a cunning subterfuge. While his dad is busy with his papers, Stiles pours him an immense glass of whiskey, which the Sheriff distractedly downs completely.

Now suitably intoxicated, the Sheriff is a bit more forthcoming with the details of the case. It seems that no matter how many times they tried, the police have been unable to successfully take a mugshot of Derek. His wolfy eyes make the flash blur and smear all over the picture, which, lol irl. Derek “Lasereyes” Hale, presumably.

Has no one on this show ever taken a photo of their dog? I just.


Sheriff Stilinski abruptly realizes he’s a little drunky, and reminds Stiles not to say anything about the details of the case that he unwisely shared. He then proceeds to ramble on a bit more anyway, musing about how all the deaths are somehow connected: the bus driver was the insurance claims adjuster for the Hale house fire, and was dismissed for malfeasance; the video store clerk was a convicted felon with a history of arson; and the two bottle-stealing bullies in the woods also had plenty of prior arrests, including ones for arson.

Even though the Sheriff somehow can’t put all these thing together, Stiles certainly can. Stiles offers his dad another shot, insisting that the Sheriff deserves it for all his hard work. Who could possibly resist? Certainly not the Sheriff.


Scott gets home and listens to his voicemail messages – he’s missed a test and his teacher tells him he’ll need to make it up ASAP. There’s a knock on his bedroom door, but he’s not interested in having a conversation with his mom. Of course, it’s not his mom at all – it’s Allison. Scott peers at her suspiciously as though she’s a wonderful but confusing hallucination.


The Sheriff is now super drunky and revealing way too much about the Derek Hale situation. He’s completely stumped about the details – why would he kill his own sister, and why would he make it look like an animal did it? Stiles looks shifty-eyed but says nothing. Also, the Sheriff complains that he’d checked with Animal Control after Chris Argent shot the mountain lion in the school parking lot, and he found out that animal attacks were up 70% over the last few months.

I guess Peter Hale really didn’t care for the hospital food.

Stiles ponders all this new information miserably; meanwhile, the Sheriff is staring at him with a happy little drunky smile on his face, and says that he misses having the time to talk to Stiles. Stiles completely misses this family bonding moment because he has to run off and make a phone call.

As he gets up to leave and make his call, Stiles hears the very last, almost whispered bit of his dad’s drunken mumblings, “I miss your mom.” This stops him dead in his tracks, because if there’s one thing they never, ever talk about, it’s Stiles’ mom.


Stiles turns back to the table and asks his dad to repeat himself. Sheriff Stilinski (he better have a first name next season or so help me I will shank someone) doesn’t answer, and picks up the bottle for another shot instead. Stiles gently but firmly stops him from pouring it, but it looks like Family Sharing Time is over anyway.


Allison’s come over to talk to Scott about something. They’re both pretty nervous, and finally Scott points out that they’ve been sitting in awkward, uncomfortable silence for the last 10 minutes. Allison apologizes; she doesn’t really know where to start, and feels ridiculous. Scott promises not to laugh at her, ever, so she proceeds to tell him that she’s worried that her family is into some kind of weird shit. She says that she caught Kate and Chris in a lie, and ever since then, she’s been vaguely suspicious about everything. She’s also been overhearing some weird conversations, and she thinks that it was all about Derek.

Before Scott can react to this bevy of information that he’s already in possession of, Melissa McCall bursts into the room, absolutely gorgeously dressed to kill. Melissa tells Scott that she’ll be home late that night, and stops abruptly when she sees that Scott and Allison are staring at her in surprise. She’s worried about her hair, her makeup, her everything, but Scott and Allison assure her that she looks fanfuckingtastic.

Wait a minute. Scott asks, with deep and grumpy suspicion, why she’s so dressed up. Obviously it’s because she has a DATE, Scott. He’s a medical rep that came into the hospital that afternoon and swept her off her feet. Alas, Scott will have no chance to interrogate his mom any further, because the doorbell’s ringing and she’s not quite ready to get it just yet. Scott is left having to answer the door and “be nice” to his mom’s gentleman caller. Endless eyerolling abounds.

Scott answers the door and of course, OF COURSE, he gets a very creepy feeling from whoever it is on the opposite side of the door. The doorbell rings again and again, insistently, and Melissa shouts at Scott from upstairs to answer the door already. Scott backs away from the door, his heart rate increasing rapidly.

Eventually the ringing stops as the doorknob turns slowly; Scott grabs it and yanks the door open, but there’s no one there. From upstairs, Melissa tells Scott to invite her date inside, and when Scott turn back to the door, Peter Hale is standing there with a mocking smile on his hotass crazy face.


Oh snap.

Scott freaks out like whoa and tries to slam the door in Peter’s face, so Peter moves in for the block and throws it back open. Scott threatens to tell his mom on Peter, hilariously, and Peter’s all GO AHEAD DUDE THAT’LL BE A LAUGH AND A HALF. Because what, he’s going to tell his mom that Peter was in a crazyface coma for the past 6 years and covered head to toe in horrible burns? Yeah, that’s totally believable. Flustered, Scott stammers out an endless litany of increasingly unlikely threats.

Peter snarks right back at him to stop with his Top 5 List of the Most Impotent Threats Ever Heard, and I shriek with delighted glee. Oh my god Peter Hale you sassy glorious monster, let me love you. Peter innocently explains that he just wants to have dinner with a beautiful woman after 6 years in a crazyface coma, and Scott looks like he really wants to believe it but is wholly unable to.

Good thing, too, because Peter’s real reason is that he thinks it’ll be a lot easier to get Scott to join his pack if his mother does too. OSHIT.

Scott backs away in absolute horror as Peter walks slowly into the house. Peter quietly explains that they’ll be infinitely more powerful together as a pack than they’d ever be alone. Melissa arrives finally and interrupts the rest of Peter’s gentle – and bizarrely nazi-collaborating – threats. As they turn to leave, Scott stops his mom at the very last minute with a crazed expression of puppy confusion, but chickens out at the last minute and just tells her to have a nice time.


In the high school locker room, Jackson is inexplicably lifting weights alone on a weeknight. What, like his parents can’t afford a weight room in the house? COME ON, SHOW. Again, this is just one more thing that is less believable than actual werewolves.

Suddenly, Jackson’s terrible weightlifting montage music cuts off, and he storms out into the middle of the locker room, full of entitled, whiny rage. Of course, it’s Derek, lurking in the boy’s locker room as per usual. Jackson goes from outraged to terrified in less than 5 seconds, and grabs a nearby lacrosse stick, as though that could possibly help anything at all, ever.

Jackson attempts to stand his ground, insisting that he’s not afraid, even though it is so tragically obvious that he is about to wet his pants. Derek gets right up in his face and all but laughs in it, telling him that he’s probably the most terrified little wannabe puppy on earth. Actually, Jackson probably hasn’t had a single day in his entire life when he wasn’t afraid of something. But he won’t have to be afraid anymore once he’s one of the pack.

Inexplicably they do not make out wildly in this next scene. I am confuse.

ugh just make out already wtf


Allison’s sitting on Scott’s bed, somewhat judgmentally watching him run around the room like a hyperactive puppy. Scott begs her to wait right there for him, swearing he’ll be right back, he swears! He just has something really important he has to take care of, immediately. Allison seems to believe him, maybe. Scott charges out of the house at a dead run.


Back at the school, Derek walks out of the weight room with Jackson right behind him. At the opposite end of the hall, Kate Argent peeks around the corner like a creepily hot psychotic ninja. MY PRECIOUSSSS.

plz be my crazy maniac girlfriend kthxbie


Peter and Melissa are in the car, supposedly on their way to dinner. Melissa’s looking around in confusion, wondering if maybe they missed the turn for the restaurant. Peter, ever-helpful, pulls over so she can map it on her phone. Melissa fiddles with her phone for a second and notices that Peter is staring at her kind of weirdly, and asks him what’s up.

Oh Peter, you magnificently insane creepy bastard. When you make that crazyass goddamn face and tell someone that they have really nice skin, it sounds like to want to keep them in your basement well before flaying them and making a people suit. I AM JUST SAYING.

Melissa is a little skeeved by his weirdness but plays it off with a laugh. She’s definitely feeling a little cornered and a lot more nervous when Peter reaches out slowly to stroke the side of her face. Instead of leaping out of the car and fleeing for her life, she drops her phone on the floor accidentally. As she leans over to pick it up, Peter starts wolfing out – fangs, red Alpha eyes, the works.

Before he can chow down on Melissa, they’re rear-ended by another car. STILES SAVES THE DAY.

Melissa is not at all surprised to see that the ruiner of her first date in god knows how many years is her son’s ridiculous best friend. Within seconds of her exiting the car to rant at him, there’s a small crowd of blocked motorists wandering over to see the commotion.

Peter’s actually somewhat impressed by Scott’s quick thinking and ingenuity. Scott, peeking ridiculously out from behind a nearby car, does not appear to be thrilled by Peter’s commendation.

Stiles gets right up in Peter’s face and says that they should totally call the police immediately and make an accident report. Peter rolls his eyes at Stiles and declines to do so. As Melissa and Stiles argue about whose fault the accident was, Peter steps away to talk quietly to Scott, knowing that Scott will be able to hear him with his magical wolfy ears.

Peter tells him that he’s impressed by his intelligence, and that Scott is much smarter than Jackson, who sadly thinks that he’s got the upper hand in the “WOLF ME NOW” situation. Scott realizes that something bad is probably happening to Jackson at that very moment, and runs off on foot to investigate.


Jackson is with Derek at Derek’s creepy burned-out house, and he doesn’t look quite as confident as he did earlier. Jackson protests that it doesn’t look safe, and he doesn’t want anything falling on his head, and Derek just gestures impatiently for Jackson to go inside. Jackson’s still awfully reluctant, and finally asks Derek what’s inside. Apparently it’s everything Jackson wants. Yeah, I doubt that.

Jackson mans up and opens the door slowly, and Derek slips up behind him to herd him inside. As soon as Jackson’s inside, he realizes that this is the same house he’s seen recently. Derek finds this to be distressing information, since he doesn’t think Jackson’s ever actually been there before, which is entirely correct – this is the house Jackson’s been seeing in his dreams, on fire.

Jackson also realizes that they’re alone in the house, and that no one else is coming to meet them. And it’s then that he comes to the inevitable conclusion that Derek brought him there to kill him. Jackson sobs like a child and begs for his life – it’s really very embarrassing to watch – wailing that he doesn’t deserve to die like this.

As Jackson whimpers tragically, Derek verbally tears him to tiny, bloody pieces. You see, Jackson, there’ a reason that there’s no one here to save you; it’s because no one cares about you. No one cares that you drive an expensive car, no one cares that you have perfect hair, and no one cares that you’re captain of the lacrosse team.

It is, of course, at this perfect shining moment that Scott pipes up from the top of the stairs to remind everyone that Jackson is really only the CO-CAPTAIN of the lacrosse team.

No time to laugh wildly at these glorious witticisms, because Scott and Derek must now have a wild wolfy brawl. Jackson cringes up against the staircase like a terrified kitten as they snarl at one another.

Before they can get down to the messy business of eviscerating one another, the entire house is suddenly riddled with automatic weapons fire. I guess Kate followed them after all. Scott’s hit multiple times all over his torso, and Derek, despite having been about to kill them just moments before, helps him to his feet and tells him and Jackson to run.

Derek waits for them to run out of the back of the house, and then throws himself out the front door directly into the path of the bullets.


Allison’s still sitting up in Scott’s room, feeling a little stupid for waiting all this time. She gets up and starts pacing, and stares unhappily at the message she’s just received from Kate, saying that they need to talk. Eventually she sits down on the floor and just stares at her hands, entirely miserable.


Scott staggers through the woods, barely able to run. He’s bleeding badly from his chest and stomach, and is spitting up a whole lot of nasty black goo. His wounds are leaking that same creepy blue smoke that Derek’s were when Kate shot him – looks like they’re still using those wolfsbane bullets. Scott clutches his wounds and whispers Allison’s name as he passes out.


Allison’s finally had enough of waiting for Scott, and grabs her phone to leave the house.


Back in the woods, someone’s found Scott and carries him off to safety, telling him it’s going to be okay. As Scott wakes up on a surgical table, his bullets pried out of his chest, we see that his savior is none other than Dr Deaton. Deaton’s also given him a little something to speed up his healing process. Scott’s only gormless commentary on this entire situation is “but…. you’re a vet”. Yes, Scott, how observant. Deaton admits that really, only about 90% of his patients are cats and dogs.


Down in the cellar of the Hale house, Kate leads Allison up to a heavy metal door. Allison has no idea what’s going on, and Kate’s only explanation is that all families have their own special secrets. She opens the door to show Allison the Secret Crazy Life of the Argent Family, which is apparently Derek Hale shirtless and chained to the wall.

Kate turns on a floodlight which clearly illuminates Derek in all his shirtless glory, complete with wolfed-out face, all hooked up to a car battery and ready for some torture.