So we needed a mop in my house to clean up on aisle ME after this episode aired. And now even your aged dorky-sweater-wearing aunt will finally know what “Let’s Have a KiKi” means, so quick! Find a new word! (I will forever and always love the Scissor Sisters, though.) But first, my eyes were assaulted by…
Quinn Fabray’s freakin’ stupid-ass wedge heeled Oxfords. You know what? If she hadn’t worn those same damn shoes with every single outfit in Season Three I wouldn’t care. But girlfriend, if you can afford Yale University, you can afford to dump those ratchet brogues and pick up a new pair, something that actually goes with any of your outfits. Because those do not.
She comes out on the stage at McKinley and starts to sing one of my all-time favorite songs, “Homeward Bound,” by Simon and Garfunkel, a song from an album that defined an entire generation of college-aged kids finding their own way. This…is not that same song. I get that they need to make songs their own here, I do, but there are some things you don’t mess with, and Simon and Garfunkel are on that short list. Also, they mashed it up with “Home” by last year’s American Idol winner Phillip Phillips, and Fox Executives, if I may? Camera Three.
Sirs and Madams (I have no idea what your demographics are. You might have an actual monkey on skates running things, I don’t know.) But I do know this: synergy is sooo 2000 and late. The contracts and cross promotion and jamming in people from here over there is leading to some serious over-saturation. [cough]Britney 2.0[cough] Let the writers work songs in naturally, hmm? Y’all quit promising your whiny grandchildren, or whoever, that you’ll make sure Blah Blah is on the show just for them so they’ll get the other kids to like them at Spoiled Brat Academy and Finishing School For Future Mugshots, or whatever Hollywood School for the Privileged they’re attending.
Back to the Gleecap. Mike and Santana join in, then Mercedes enters out of the dark because…who knows why. She’s been back, so why the big reveal? Then Finn joins and you know, wonky mashup aside, it’s awesome to see the gang back together. Well, they’re not all back.
Before we address that, we have a check in with Marley, and yep, her storyline is still upsetting with the whole eating disorders and the pressure she feels to be perfect and how her mom says, “Don’t Blow It,” and oy, it comes to a head eventually, but for now: ugh.
The group goes to Breadstix because there are only two places in all of Lima, Ohio to eat, and the Lima Bean only has cookies. They lament that the whole group that promised to return didn’t. Ahem, Rachel and Kurt! Well they were just there, and it’s actually expensive to get from one state to another when you don’t have a paying job (Kurt Hummel? How are you eating? Where is your money coming from? I worry.) We hear as a fanservice that Quinn and Rachel still keep in contact, somewhat. Rachel basically gripes Quinn out for not using that train ticket to come see her, but Yale is hard, okay? The lady version of Skull & Bones is calling, and Quinn has a lot on her plate.
The next day, Finn brings the old guard back to pair up with a new kid to help them get prepared for Sectionals. Kitty about wets herself to be paired with Quinn, Santana’s with Marley, and Mercedes gets Wade. Brittany sees it as a confirmation that Mercedes was cloned.
The main problem: who can be a dancer with Brit? Sam is all, “Yo, White Chocolate here, untiss, untiss, untiss!” as Mercedes ohhoneybabyNO’s him. It’s down to Jake and Ryder, because apparently every one has forgotten that Blaine can freaking dance? Now they won’t give him all the leads? I cry, guys, I cry. I miss Blee. :[
Jake tells Ryder that he and Marley “hung out” on Friday, and evidently that’s the kiss of death for Ryder/Marley? So, because Jake “won” the girl, he’s going to give the dance lead to Ryder. Bros before…toes?
In NYC, we learn that Rachel lost the audition for The Glass Menagerie, a musical idea that still cracks me up, because Tennessee Williams is awesome and snarky and dark. There should be more musicals that are dark. So Hummelberry is staying in New York City for Thanksgiving because they’re broke college students (and because it hurts to go home). Oh, we also learn that Kurt reapplied to NYADA (on Vogue stationary, lol) and we have that to look forward to, yay!
I want to point out two things. 1, these two humans are unbelievably gorgeous walking through the city just being flawless, and 2, I covet Kurt Hummel’s utterly perfect black wool coat in this scene. Utterly perfect. His little roll up jeans are adorable, too, and I wonder if they’re dressing him like that as a nod to Blaine not being in his life excusemethereissomethinginmyeye….
In McKinley, Mike leads a dance class with the guys (not Blaine, harumph) and they’re all “why do your feet move so fast?” and I’m supposed to believe that Ryder is a good dancer. Oh, bless. He is a cutie patootie to be sure, and has shoulders and arms from the gods, but… Well. Jake looks on and oho! He’s a great dancer, I bet. (Jacob Artist actually turned down Julliard to pursue an acting career.)
Brittany, Santana and Quinn are with the girls, trying to say how they need to be a team, but to also stand out. There is no “I” in team but there is a “me.” The Unholy Trinity then performs a lackluster version of “Come See About Me” and I’m sorry, but I’ve never enjoyed Dianna Agron on lead vocals. She just doesn’t have the chops. Is she stunning? Yes. Does she play the Bitch Queen well? Of course. Do I want Santana on backup vocals? No. Is she better on lead? Hell to the yes. Can I stop asking you questions that you can’t actually answer to my face? I have no idea.
The take away from this scene is that Kitty wants to Single White Female Quinn Fabray and errbody is skeeved by it. Kitty takes it upon herself to plant some seeds about Marley: she’s dating a Puckerman who is pressuring her for ess ee ex. Uh oh!
Speaking of those two, Marley and Jake are being cute all over each other with the smiles and the wanting to touch and date and be adorbs, when Jake explains that he gave dance leads to Ryder. Because he got her! Aww. No, she says, that’s stupid, because they actually want to win, okay? Now hold her hand and be cute walking down the hall. DONE.
Rachel hits dance class, which Brody is leading as Cassandra is literally the worst and doesn’t care about fulfilling her job’s contract. Rachel is all “talk to the hand!” to Brody, who laughs and says, “Grow up.” Girlfriend, you back burnered him and he is not a mind reader. Yeah, he had sex with someone, but that’s because he didn’t know Berry-sex was on the table. Now that it is…. Let’s be adults. You be a woman, and I’ll be a man, and let’s just – for one night – be co-people.
Rachel foxtrots in his arms and is all, “Um…yeah. So, how about you come over for Thanksgiving with me and Kurt?” Oh, sure. That sounds fine, too. And also he promises to stop tapping Cassandra because she smells like menthol and rage.
Quinn gets to be old school Q with the bossing around of boys, namely Jake. Blah blah, he’s pressuring Marley for sex, no he’s not, Puck reads her like a book, no one resolves anything, blah.
More important is that in NYC, Kurt shuts down the Vogue office with Isabelle, finds out that she has no holiday plans, and then invites her to Bushwick for Orphan Thanksgiving. Bring friends! Sounds great, but how is his heart doing? A.k.a., are you missing the Klaine? [YES.]
“I’m closing the book to that sad saga. I’m just done. I’m done thinking about it, wondering if we’re going to get back together, if we should get back together… No, it’s over. I sent him a text that said, ‘Please stop calling me to say you’re sorry. What’s done is done.’”
UM, BUT. THEY. I.
Kurt’s all, “Cheater is a cheater is a cheat, so.” And that sound you hear is my heart fracturing in my chest because nooo! Isabelle gives him excellent parting advice: get closure. “Sometimes it’s the not forgiving that holds us back.” I need someone to hold my hand, please.
Kitty is racist and awful to Santana, who is over her baby-bitchness. Been there, done that. Also, Santana found out about Marley’s laxatives and put two and two together. This leads Quinn to be an idiot who knows everything because she’s at Yale (boning her pathetic 35 year old professor whose wife isn’t touching him, probably because he’s a jerk that bones teenagers who are too stupid to know that his novel sucks. Oh, his wife knows it’s terrible. What, another novel about a white man in his thirties just figuring out his zest for life? Please. She went to Vanderbilt, after all. But she thought they had something lasting, you know? But he got bored. He needs the chase. …I like making things up about inconsequential characters.) Ahem. Quinn. New guy.
Twitter update! Q is all excited about another guy defining her life! OMG, I love Santana here, and she asks Quinn if he gets all turned on by teen moms who hardly visit their kid? SLAP! Oooh, Santana slaps back, Brittany walks in and Q huffs out. “Q always was a genius slapper,” a line that is funny but makes absolutely no sense.
Ryder tries to get the Gangnam Style dance moves down, but let’s face it: he’s a cute dork and Jake should have the lead. No, Jake will [snooooooooooze.] We get it, 11th hour step in, okay, Glee. Awesome canon fact: Jake was evidently trained in ballet. Okay, then!
Brody is prepping a turkey for a vegetarian and Kurt, but after Brody and Rachel get all sexy with the smearing of butter on its skin, Kurt says there’s no way in hell he’s touching their new sex toy. Awesome moments: saying that they’re having their own Big Chill, Brody saying “but no one breaks out in song,” and Rachel gives the best, “Mufuh you say HUH?” face with a piece of limp celery in her hand. Um, Brody? Do you know who you are with?
They don’t put the turkey in the oven until 5 o’clock because I guess they want to eat at two in the morning? Whatever, Kurt and Rachel are my favorites and they are worried about Sectionals, and it’s Thanksgiving. Sectionals on a holiday? Who scheduled that, Satan? I’m looking at you, Sue Sylvester.
Marley is psyching herself out, does not take a laxative – good god – and beams at Unique, who is defying her parents about the whole “dressing like a boy at school” thing. Good for you, gorl. You be true to you. Finn is hilariously clueless when he tells everyone to make a show circle and that it’s something Mr. Schue made up. Bless. Joe says some scripture, uh, and they all put hands in. Goooooo Gleeks!
Time for the Warblers, and oh, is it lovely to see them on my screen again. And let’s talk about a few things. One, they all – except Jeff – seem to have Blaine hair. Two, they sound nice and they’re fun to watch, but they don’t have amazing vocals and it is a vocal competition. They’re not bad by any means, but there are no new Blaines coming to take over. (Which is the point, I know.) And three, they have some awesome dance moments and it’s delightful to watch Grant Gustin bust some pretty-pretty moves on my screen. Hunter’s back flip = awesome.
Marley sits in her seat, freaked. This is because she didn’t watch earlier performances of the Warblers to see that they’re missing a key ingredient: Blee. Jake takes her hand in comfort, though, because they are too adorable for words and very, very pretty to look at.
Hummelberry are sad (Brody is checking the turkey); Rachel misses her dads, misses their random-yet-totally-prepared-holiday medley performances. Kurt says, “Sweetie, as long as we’re in each other’s lives, holiday medleys will never be over.”
CAN I HAVE THE HUMMELBERRY SPIN OFF, PLEASE AND THANK YOU.
Just as the turkey comes out, there is a knock at the door. Hello, fabulous people at the door? Isabelle calls Kurt on the phone and they do a great version of the Scissor Sister’s “Let’s Have A Kiki.” I love that group, the song is fun, SJP is great as the tired party girl bitching at the beginning, that fabulous Shangela (Shante, you stay!) is there, and it looks like that was a lot of fun to film. Kurt has his wee scissors brooch on, too! (I could have done without the holiday “Turkey Lurkey” they put in for thematic purposes, but eh. I love them all too much to really care.) I love this moment, I love everything about my Hummelberry, and Isabelle needs to be in that spinoff show as well.
Will shows up for Sectionals just as the Rosedale Mennonites perform, and that made me laugh pretty hard. New Directions is lined up in the wings when – HOLD MY HAND – Kurt calls Blaine. Blaine runs off to somewhere quiet backstage and Darren Criss emotes the hell out of this call. Chris Colfer is no slouch, either. Deep breath, guys. Here we go.
Kurt: Have you performed yet?
Blaine: No, not yet. I want to–
Kurt: Let me talk for a second. You’ve said you’re sorry a million times. And I believe you. And I’m trying to forgive you but… I’m just not there yet. (His voice breaks and the fractures in my heart grow deeper) But…it’s Thanksgiving and it’s Sectionals, and I miss you like crazy. (Actual crying on my part.)
Blaine: [choked up and yep, deeper cracks in my soul spider web along…]
Kurt: And I can’t stand not talking to you even though I’m mad at you. Because you’re still my best friend.
Blaine: You’re mine, too. [He is trying so hard not to cry, you guys. HE LOST EVERYTHING.]
Kurt: [takes a moment] At Christmas we need to have a mature heart to heart. And maybe if it’s cold enough we can go ice skating on the Algauize [idk] River, get a hot chocolate… Anywhere but at the Lima Bean because when I worked there I saw a mouse.
Blaine: [laugh-crying and if you didn’t want to cuddle the both of them, you are possibly dead inside and should seek immediate morgue attention] So…we’re really going to see each other at Christmas?
The hope in his voice. The sheer need. Guys. This is a romance for the ages, and I freaking love it. This is Ross and Rachel, “You were going to drink the fat!” and “He’s your lobster!” This is Ron Weasley being responsible and coming up with a plan in the 11th hour and Hermione not being able to hold back with the kissing and wanting. This is Dr. Zhivago! Okay, I’m getting carried away, but you know what I’m saying here.
Kurt: Well, don’t let any of those hideous Warblers win. (I love that he is still angry with them for hurting Blaine.) All right? Break a leg. Happy Thanksgiving.
Blaine: [with tears in his eyes] Happy thanksgiving. Kurt, I love you so much. [STOP MAKING ME CRY, SHOW]
Kurt: [nods, considers his words] I love you, too.
Kurt says it like, “Duh. I never stopped.” There’s also some, “Exactly, which is why this hurts.” So, I know everyone thinks they’re going to get back together over Christmas, but I am not holding my breath because it’s early, there is a lot for the two of them to work through, and Ryan Murphy likes to pretend he’s Joss Whedon. (Aka: oh, do you love the puppy? KILLS IT.) But I hope. I hope.
Blaine is emotional, but in the best way as he hangs up and prepares to perform, and Kurt has to pull himself together because that was really hard for him. Fortunately Isabelle is there to hug him as he wipes away his tears and tries to smile and I just really love these boys, okay? They are modern day Gilbert Blythe and Anne Shirley.
Time for the Sectionals performance, but before they go out there, Jake notices that Marley isn’t looking too good. She’s weak, sweaty and shaking, but insists she’s fine. She’s not sleeping and if they lose it’s going to be her fault, she thinks, but she’s totally fine!
Ryder is all, “Jake?” and Jake goes, “Not now, bro,” and Ryder’s like “JAKE DUDEBRO JAKE JAKE JAKE,” because he wants to tell Jake to take lead on dance because he’s no dummy; he wants them to win. Okay, gosh. Ryder is all sad because he likes Marley and was always nice to her but he still lost the girl because nice guys finish last.
The New Directions lead off with “Gangnam Style,” something they pulled together to film in something ridiculous like three days. It’s a huge number, it’s in Korean, and Tina sings lead. Yay, Tina! Yay, Jenna! It’s a lot of fun, and will you think less of me if I confess that I have never seen the video? Am I the only person? I also refused to watch one minute of the OJ Simpson trial, because I have standards. Pretend those are related.
Jake lets loose on the dancing and it’s awesome. He’s no Mike Chang (is anyone? Oh, Harry Shum, Jr. I would watch you read the newspaper, you handsome, talented beast. ) but he’s good. Better than Ryder would have been, and that’s what is important! Marley is losing it in the background – she still has the duet with Blaine coming up, but she passes out as the song ends and pandemonium is to be expected next episode, because they left us with a cliffhanger!
Ooooh. My guess: they’re going to lose, they’ll spend the rest of the year working on how to be a team to come back Bigger and Stronger next year, which will suck because it’s Blaine, Tina, and Artie’s last year, and they’re awesome. Way to go, Marley. Pfft. (I adore Melissa, and want to cuddle her and feed her noms.)