Well, somehow, we made it through last week and Sean never removed his shirt. Sadly, there was goat milking as well. Good riddance, Montana. Hello, St. Croix and more Shirtlessness….
Tierrable starts drama immediately upon arriving in St. Croix. She refuses to share a room with girls who are trying to date her boyfriend! (good grief. I wish I weren’t being serious here.) She is given a fold out cot and told her hatred can keep her warm at night.
Low and behold, the first 1-on-1 date is with Tierra’s nemesis: AshLee! Tierrable is very angry because AshLee is too old…at the ripe old age of 32. She practically requires a walker! I even read, she’s already applied for Medicare assistance for a Hoveround.
During their date, Sean asks AshLee if the drama in the house has cooled off any and Ash is like, AS IF! She tells Sean that Tierra isolates herself from the group and then she made me laugh out loud when she called Tierra Pouty Pants.
They stroll on the beach hand in hand and make out. Sean seems to like AshLee and so he sticks his tongue down her throat as much as possible.
Back at the cave of drama, Tierrable receives the next date card! It was bound to happen, sooner or later folks…go ahead, close your eyes and dream of better days, because anything is better than this boring-ass date.
Tierra is already pissed off about the “walking around town” date because she LIKES THE WATER AND WANTS TO BE ON A BOAT. WAH!! Lesley is all “I hate that bitch.” and I held up my vodka bottle and drank to that.
AshLee and Sean are enjoying a lovely dinner. They are all gooey with love looks and shy smiles, when suddenly, the music changes…and AshLee has to tell Sean a DEEP. DARK. SEKRIT.
The way she’s building the story up…This could make or break us–and she’s really sorry for this—fifteen years ago, she was going through a really tough time in life, and she had a boyfriend and things weren’t easy for her and her mom…
And I finished the story with: And mom and I both married my boyfriend. I was first wife, which I know is weird, but mom just couldn’t handle the responsiblity. We both had 2 children, so I am both mother and sister and she’s Grandmother and Sister Mom…and…
But sadly, all the build up was over nothing. She got married at 17. It was a mistake. She doesn’t want her past to influence her future. She “doesn’t want to be this broken girl who comes to you.”
I liked my story better. Just sayin.
Of course, he likes her just the way she is. And he sticks his tongue down her throat yet again.
Okay, it’s time to walk around St. Croix with 50 Shades of Cray. Sean is determined to have a good time with Tierra It’s obvious Sean just isn’t that into her, even though he’s trying very hard to pretend to be. There has been so much drama surrounding Tierrable, I think he’s realizing that she may, in fact, be the one causing it…Methinks she has overplayed her victim card…And why is it that guys have such a hard time saying no to the crazy girls? I mean, if nobody likes her, there is a problem with her!
They go shopping for cheap jewelry and walk hand-in-hand in the village…I fall asleep then wake back up when Tierrable says, “Shopping’s one of my favorite things to do! And it’s even better with Sean!”
Finally, after some weird crazy impromptu parade, Sean addresses the drama issues in the house by asking about the other girls. OMG sean! They are so jealous of me. Nobody will accept me! It’s been like this since I got the first rose on the first night. I’ve tried SOOOOO HAAAAAARD! and then my favorite part.
“But I don’t have to worry about the other girls much longer, will I?”
RIGHT? RIGHT SEAN? YOUR AREN’T GOING TO GIVE THEM A COCK-A-DOODIE ROSE, RIGHT?
Sean looks a little frightened and tip toes on eggshells while she regains control of her crazy-eyes. He tells her that the drama maybe have put them a little bit behind. Tierra’s crazy flashes again as she begins to plan her next attack…and this time, she’ll slip down the stairs with a knife and accidently kill AshLee.
By the end of the date, after Tierra has professed her love for him, Sean seems to be falling in line. He is very well aware that she’s a mean girl and not well liked, but hey, she kisses him and says nice things to him and isn’t that what counts? Oh Sean… No. The crazy will come out at home. Trust me. And then what are you gonna do? Be just like Ben and Jake. DON’T PICK THE CRAZY GIRL!
The group date is with Catherine, Desiree, and Lindsay–which means Lesley M. gets the final 1-on-1 date.
For some reason, ABC thought it would be a fun idea to have Sean wake all the girls up pre-sunrise. Sean explodes into the room taking all sorts of pictures of them as they wake up. The best line of the entire show…”I just have to pee and then I’m good to go!” That’s right, Catherine. I love low maintenance. However, Lindsay and Desiree go a little wacko. I CAN’T GET IT ALL DONE AND PEE IN FIVE MINUTES! I NEED TO SHAVE MY PITS! UGH!
Then we’re driving. And driving. The purpose of this date is to arrive at the Eastern-Most part of the island so they can be the first people in America? (or American Territory sorta?) to see the sunrise. How about just “first Americans.” Okay.
More driving and sight seeing. Then they wind up in a treehouse. There’s one on one time with everyone.
He mostly makes out with Lindsay.
Catherine shares a shocking story about her father trying to commit suicide in front of her and her sister when they were kids and he was taken away to a real crazy house.
Desiree wants the date rose. She talks about her family. she cries. She wants what her parents have. You know, that Stepford marriage that is so happy? (and not because of the booze, pills, and brain control either…)
Who gets the date rose? Who’s the girl that deserves the spot for the first hometown date? Lindsay! Desiree didn’t do a very good job of hiding her shock and awe. Lindsay patted herself on the back for a great recovery from Drunk Wedding Dress girl!
It’s time for Lesley’s date. Sean takes her to a plantation so they can spend some quality time talking. He needs to know how Lesley feels about him. Sean is afraid their relationship hasn’t progressed much. Lesley is a fan of the show and has watched for years. She’s even called some of the past Ho-testants out for being stupid and saying the “L” word too quickly.
Sadly, Sean is a needy little boy and he needs to hear those words. No matter what Lesley does from now on, her fate is sealed.
After the date with Lesley is over, Sean’s sister, Shay pays him a visit and offers him advice. “Don’t end up with that one. What is the one piece of advice I gave you before you left for the show?”
“Don’t end up with the girl that everyone hates.”
And I pick up my vodka bottle and toast Sister Shay.
Speaking of…. While Sean is away, Tierra comes out to play…with her mouth-claws. Tierra tells AshLee she’s ancient as a Chinese secret at the age of 32. “Girls are jealous. Men love me! I’ve had no Botox!”
AshLee reminded Tierrable that even her parents said she doesn’t do well with other women. TIERRA AIN’T GOT TIME FOR DAT! “They said, Tierra you have sparkle. Don’t let those girls take your sparkle away! I can’t control my eyebrow! I can’t control what’s on my face 24/7!”
And that’s when Tierrable’s LOCOMotive officially jumped the tracks.
Meanwhile, back in Shay’s world…Sean tells Shay he’s gonna grab Tierra so she can meet her and judge for herself. Sean never seems to see Tierra mid-fight, only afterward, when she’s curled up on her cot, crying. Like the fake victim she is.
“I have a big heart! I’m sensitive. THEY’RE SO MEAN TO ME. I’m so scared…” And then she breaks out the truth. “AshLee is out to get me. Everything I do, she’s made it an issue. I hate being like this with you, it’s just so hard.”
I raise my vodka bottle and drink her away.
Sean leaves for a few moments. When he returns, I’m all worried he’s gonna be holding the rose, a ring, and be followed by a St. Croix minister. The show’s over, 50 Shades of Cray wins… but no. Sean tells her, “I know how emotionally taxing this has been on you and how it’s a struggle for you every day. I’m crazy about you and I have been since the first night. And because I care about you, I think it’s best if you go home now.”
He hugs her. She stops crying. He tells her he thinks the world of her and she growls “Obviously not enough.” and when she gets into the van, I swear I hear: YOU! YOU DIRTY BIRDY, HOW COULD YOU!
It’s finally rose ceremony time and I’m not gonna waste your time by dragging it out anymore. Lesley M. goes home. Sean does not get to come to my home state and scream Wooooo Piiiiig Sooooie! with her family around the campfire. I’m disappointed, because I like Lesley, however, I think she’s better off. Sean is a little boring…and obviously slow, if it took him this long to see the crazy behind Tierra’s sparkle.
Next week is hometown dates… We’re just a few episodes away from Sean choosing his True TV Love. Let’s hope he let’s Shay pick for him…