Well, well, well, looks like someone learned how not to go Full Andrea. Just when it’s too late. Also, I would like to give her props for one of the best uses of a door in zombie apocalypse history. Warning: this episode was dark and there were several overtures made regarding sexual abuse towards women, for those of you who need to know that going in. Like, dark.
Holy Moley, we have a flashback to Andrea and Michonne when they only had each other to keep themselves warm on those lonely winter nights. Well, and the two armless, jawless pets. Speaking of, Andrea never did hear their story.
That’s because Michonne doesn’t want to talk about it, officially breaking Girls Night Rule #2: always share deep and intimate stories. (Rule #1: murder a clown to gain entrance. It used to be #3, but we all decided to switch “pillow fights in our panties” with the clown thing. Girl time!)
We deduce the following from Michonne’s sad, morose staring: she knew the two dudes in life, and they were animals long before the plague hit. Yeah, they did unspeakable things to her previously. It’s good that they didn’t come out and say what, because our imaginations will fill in the blanks. Ick.
Points to Andrea for not demanding answers – Michonne is clearly grateful, even though she walks off to gather herself.
There’s a great camera shot of the chains holding her pets that fades into a room where the Governor is stringing up two similar chains to fit around Michonne’s neck. He wraps his arms around the ends and almost comes in his pants, he’s so excited. Fifty Shades of Hey-Now, am I right, ladies?
In Woodbury’s town square, Martinez organizes a weapons cache loading, which makes Milton suspicious. (Nice work, Einstein.) “I thought there was a deal on the table?” Uh huh. Andrea shows up, blandly smiling in her confusion, too. She asks the same thing, and Milton explains that it’s probably just a show of force. Trying to convince yourself there, buddy?
The Gov, still in his little chamber, sets out some toys, and HOLY SHIT IS THAT A SPECULUM AND HOW FREAKING AWFUL IS THAT GOOD GOD. Dudes? That’s the cold duck bill of Pap Smear horror, in case you didn’t know. That is not a lady’s friend. That is creepy and awful and holy shit enema stuff, too?! This dude be cray. (I learned that it wasn’t for enemas, it was for delivering fluids down the throat. UH HUH. STILL CREEPY.)
Milton stares like a goob outside the door, watching, then turns away to sneak off after the Gov has already spotted him. Hey, go on into Papa’s workshop, friend! Milton just doesn’t understand how bone saws help actualize their five-year plan for Woodbury. Is that weird syringe adding value? Will that scalpel enrich the town’s petunias? (Probably, blood meal is- Not important, sorry.)
Even though Milton isn’t sure if zombies still carry something of themselves inside (which is a ball the show dropped starting back with Morgan’s wife in Episode 1, harumph), it was still Penny inside that biter. And for the Gov, that’s all that matters.
Well, this is certainly derailing Milton’s timeline for hitting their goal milestones, so he engages in some Knowledge Processing Output by explaining the current SNAFU to Andrea. So now she knows about Michonne being on the table (figuratively, soon to be literally) and is taken into a high alcove over the torture chamber.
She’s ready to kill the Gov now. (NOW? Christ, woman. At least she’s finally seeing the picture.) Before she can leave to handle her mission critical task (i.e.: Kill the Gov), guess who walks in with more toys to torture with, whistling a happy tune? (I wish I knew what the song was!)
She and Milton can’t move to escape because the floor is creaky. All the guy has to do it turn his head 20 degrees, and he’ll see her. She pulls out her gun and prepares to take aim. FINALLY. Just as she gets him in her sights, Milton pulls the gun away and I literally jumped up and shouted at my tv like a crazy person.
MOZAMBIQUE THAT MUH FUH, WOMAN! DOUBLE-TAP! Oh my goodness, I am running out of hair, guys.
Why the hell is Milton trying to protect this douchcanoe? Well, it’s because Milton and Phillip were BFFs (probably only nodding neighbors, but Milton is lonely) before the plague, and he remembers how good and kind Phillip was when he edged their shared strip of grass on Saturday mornings. Also, he thinks it’s a moot point, because Martinez will just rise up to lead. The Gov is a hydra, basically.
I disagree. I think Martinez is a guy that needs to be told what to do, and does it. And I think he’d eventually talk with Daryl again (because I bet the prison team would come and make peace with Woodbury) and they’d just go about business. Nah, Martinez needs to kill on the regular, now. He gots hisself a taste for the High Meat.
Milton won’t leave, he’s staying. She’s not, and tells him that he can’t pretend he doesn’t know what’s really going on anymore. She kisses him on the cheek (why? He’s always been creepy with her!) and bids him farewell.
She walks right into where Martinez is collecting everyone’s weapons. Even hers. She balks, but eventually turns it over. She smarts off to prevent him from getting her secret knife, though. Raise your hand if you thought she had a hidden piece in her jacket? (Now put your hand down, because I can’t see you, come on.)
She then bumps into the Gov who smiles and pretends to care about her, is all “I don’t want you to get your hands dirty, m’lady!” She blandly smiles at him. He does want her to go with him to the “big meeting” in case Rick tries anything, however. HEY, RED FLAG. (Oh, right. She’s already on board the Kill Gov Train. I’m just so used to yelling at her, I don’t know how to turn it off.) She smarms her way out of there.
Tyreese and Sasha are practicing shooting on one end of the wall, and can I just say that no one (except for Daryl) knows how to hold a gun on this show? You don’t jam a rifle into your armpit and fire. They just don’t hold them high enough. And hey, lookee there, it take five tries for Tyreese to get one.
Andrea runs up on them with a lie to distract them. They don’t fall for it. Eh, fuck it, she says and climbs up, ready to jump over. They stop her, and she explains how this place is bad. It’s poison. They’re all gonna die in there. Well not, her, nosirree! Once she pulls her knife (at least she has a weapon) they decide it’s smarter to let her go. She hops over the fence and pulls a Forrest Gump, planning on running all the way to the prison, apparently.
(“I musta killed 15 of them bitin’ Walkers.”)
Tyreese and Sasha then rat her out to the Governor, because they don’t know who to trust. Oooh, the Gov is so slick. He’s all “thank goodness you weren’t hurt!” and then spins some yarn about Andrea having been all alone all winter with nothing but biters to keep her company. That’ll be a great lie to disprove if they ever get to talk to Michonne or Andrea.
Gov tries to find out if Andrea mentioned anything like where she was going, what she planned on doing, but there’s nada. Tyreese is worried they’ll be kicked out for this insurrection; shucks, no! They just need to go on a special project with Martinez to make up for things.
The Gov finds Milton who all but admits that he knew Andrea was leaving, that she would be going to the prison, and that she knows about the trap for Michonne and everyone else. The Gov is furious. Milton is terrified, as he should be. The Gov isn’t going to be your boyfriend, Milton, as if.
Alan – the two dimensional dickwad – picks a fight with Tyreese because he’s an idiot. Backstory: his wife was saved by Tyreese and she had a hero worship thing going, which made Alan feel emasculated. And that’s Tyreese’s fault, how? Basically, Alan has drunk the Woodbury Koolaid, and is a puling, whiny idiot.
Andrea “I jus’ like rud-ing…” is tearing it up down the highway. Two things: the woman is fit as hale, and those are mighty tight and clean jeans for the apocalypse. She hears a truck coming up behind her, so she cuts into the woods to hide.
Bad choice. (It was the only choice, though). A Walker grabs her through some trees, pinning her, as two hippie chick Walkers come at her from the front. Guess who’s no longer Vegan, Andrea? (No one stays Vegan.) Because Andrea has finally gotten with the program (and she was trained by Daryl and Shane), she takes all three out. Way to go! She then takes off running again.
Tyreese and his group are now at the
Sarlaac zombie pits, and the type of people they’re dealing with is becoming clear. Tyreese is not having no feeding babies and ladies to Biters, thanks, which pisses Alan off because of course he thinks it’s awesome. Because he is dreadful. They get into a tussle which is stupid because Tyreese has about 70 pounds on him.
And yep, Tyreese dangles Alan over the pits and is finally brought back to his senses. Martinez sends them back home because he has a job to do, and it ain’t babysitting those fools.
And now we get to some seriously intense and menacing chasing, guys. Andrea walks across a field, trying to catch her breath, when she hears the truck coming. She drops to her belly, but it’s too late. (Story of her life.) The truck comes tearing down the hill, she takes off running and hits an old factory. There are about a million hiding places in here, I would like to mention.
She creeps through, passing loads of potential weapons and hiding places, with the Gov hot on her heels. (Why not climb onto those boxes?) He goes the creepy “I still love you, baby” Ike Turner route and says how the town needs her, she can’t go, blah blah. It’s very “Wendy? Darling? Light of my life? I’m not going to hurt you. I’m going to bash your fucking brains in.”
Fortunately she isn’t swayed and continues to creep through the building as the Gov takes a shovel and starts smashing all the glass. Well, that just draws out some Walkers, and we get an awesome shot of the Gov smacking one in the face then using said transfer shovel to redistribute the Walker’s brains all over the floor. Gross! (Awesome) There’s also some Freddy Krueger stuff with him dragging the shovel along the fences to freak her out.
Andrea runs for a door, a Walker comes for her, and she shoves him onto a waiting meat hook. (Can I just say that the meat hook scene in the original – and only one to ever watch – Texas Chainsaw Massacre is one of the most frightening visuals of all time to me? It’s right after the guy getting conked on the head by a ball peen hammer and jerking to death in that pile of feathers. That’s a great movie. I digress.)
She finally makes it to the door, opens it, and is confronted with all of those former factory workers lined up on the stairs. There are loads. Shit. She slams the door, turns around, and there’s the Gov with a smile. “Time to go home, Andrea.”
And she opens the door, hiding herself behind it as all of those Walkers pour out, ready to attack the Gov. I stood up and cheered, it was awesome. Seriously, how clever in the clutch was that? She slams the door shut and watches him fight for a moment before taking off.
She races off; we hear gunshots, the Gov screaming, and then…no more gun shots. The yelling stops. Holy shitballs, if she just managed to put him down, that would be awesome. Right? Hold that thought.
A darkly cloaked someone arrives at the pits, pours gasoline over the trailer and the remaining zombies bumping around, and sets them all on fire. Freaking. Awesome.
Protip Reminder: fire doesn’t kill zombies, unless it melts their brains. Most of the time you’ll just make flaming zombies that can kill you in even more painful ways.
Andrea evidently walked all night long and arrives at the outskirts of the prison, exhausted. Rick is on the tower on watch (really? The guy that sees dead people?) and just as he starts to notice her as she waves to him, the Gov pops out and grabs her, pinning her to the ground with his hand over her mouth. “Gotcha.” AHH. Andrea! You were right there! :(
Martinez’s crew find the burned pits. The Gov drives back into Woodbury and barely lowers his window to tell Martinez that nope, he didn’t find Andrea (pff, she’s trussed up next to him, I bet). He also finds out about the burned pits and that there was an altercation with the new group the day before. Huh. Is that right…
He goes to where Tyreese’s group has been sequestered. Tyreese says that it’s cool to have a beef with Rick, but he can’t be feeding no babies to no biters, uh uh. No, no, they have it all wrong, the Gov soothes. Why, they only use them as a scare tactic. Jesus please us, people, open your eyes.
Tyreese apologizes for smarting off the day before, because they all really want to stay. They’ll be good, promise. The Gov agrees and then asks, “Where did you get the gasoline?” When Tyreese looks totally confused, the Gov puts the pieces together. Milton! [Say that like “Newman!”]
Milton shuffles by just then and asks in a sweet, “Why don’t you love me?” voice if the Gov is okay. He also says what a shame it is about the pits. Oho, so you know about the pits, eh? Milton finally shows a little spine and says, “I hope you find out who did it.”
“I already have,” the Gov replies in his best evil villain voice. They stare at each other until Milton walks off. Oooh, it is going to be on like Red Dawn.
The camera then pans to a red door (for danger! for blood!) and through the winding halls of one of the abandoned warehouses. The final turn through a locked door reveals Andrea, cuffed to the torture chair, a gag duct-taped over her mouth, her eyes frantic.
Okay. I want Michonne to save her and the two of them kill the Gov. I hope I get my wish. (And for Daryl to kill Martinez and be sad about it, because they coulda been friends in another time…) Also, I want to applaud the show for having the best damn music for several episodes now. It has been absolutely on point with ratcheting up the tension. [kisses fingers]
Only two more to go!!